Helping my mum leave my dad

LegacyUser

My dad is a very controlling person and has reduced my mum's self esteem and confidence to nothing over the years. I've always known that but kind of put it to the back of my head as I was growing up. I'm in my mid 20's now, and my brother in his early 20's. My dad and I have had a huge argument during the week, after which I really do not want to speak to him again. I love my mum. This argument brought up a lot of things for her, and she got upset saying she'd been a bad mother, not able to protect my brother and I etc. She said she's scared we'll get so sick of my dad that we'll leave and she'll be stuck alone with him forever. I reassured her this won't happen, that she has always done her best for us.

My mum sees no way of leaving my dad. I know she's not happy, she knows that the way he treats her is abusive and wrong (she's said this to me). She hates that she has no friends, and feels so lonely. She doesn't work and hasn't since my brother came along (we're adopted, and the agency told my mum she shouldn't work as she made the commitment to have us) She's on the invalidity pension due to a medical issue.

Now, my brother and I have decided together that we need to help my mum get out. We're not going to force her, it has to be her decision but we've decided that we need to show her that she has options... the problem is that we're not entirely sure of her options.

What I'm thinking is first encouraging my mum to get out and meet people, find some groups for her to join. Maybe this would boost her confidence a bit and she'll see she doesn't deserve this treatment she gets at home.

But after this, what? What supports would be available to her? What would she be entitled to? How would she be able to live money-wise?

I know that right now she feels it would be impossible because of money, but I don't want her to be trapped forever.

jimmycrackcorm

So basically you've fallen out with your dad and its only now you decide your mother should leave. You should stay out of it. By all means, support her if she chooses to leave, otherwise don't interfere as it will come back to bite you.

LegacyUser

No, this has come up because my mum has opened up to me since this argument. When I was 15, my dad told us he didn't love my mum anymore and wanted to divorce her but was staying with her for the sake of us. When I was 18 my mum broke down in tears in front of me because she was so unhappy but at the time I was too immature to say what needed to be said. This is more than me falling out with my dad, he's a controlling man who will never change. My mum has been emotionally abused for years, I'm sure if it was full On physical abuse (which it has been on one or two occasions) your response would be different but this is just as serious. I'm looking for what advice I can give my mum, ideas or options of where to turn for help.

Magicmatilda

helpmymum wrote: »

She said she's scared we'll get so sick of my dad that we'll leave and she'll be stuck alone with him forever. I reassured her this won't happen, .

.

Surely this will happen though, I mean eventually you and your brother are going to move out, as you should. You have your own lives to live and should be allowed to live them.

Your mum made her choices, whether or not you wish to accept that.

If she wishes to change now and get a life for herself then I think the things you have suggested will help, yes. She should speak to a counsellor as this will build her self estemm, or at least help.

But you also should speak to someone as you need to accept that you are not responsible for your mum or her life. She is, you are only responsible for your life and you should be focusing on that.

She may never leave.

Stavro Mueller

helpmymum wrote: »

She said she's scared we'll get so sick of my dad that we'll leave and she'll be stuck alone with him forever. I reassured her this won't happen, that she has always done her best for us.

Selfish and all as this may sound, don't throw away your life by never moving out. You and your brother still have your own lives to live. Would you not like to meet someone and have a family, for example? How about hoping to have a home to call your own? The option to travel? Change jobs and move somewhere else? By tying yourself to home like this, you are indirectly allowing your father to control you as well. If things stay the way they are, you could find yourself with regrets at 40 or 50 years of age.

As everyone has rightly pointed out, the decision to leave the marriage is your mother's to make. I think your first step should be to point her in the direction of a counsellor. Someone who's not biased and who'll have more experience of dealing with situations like this than you are. Or you could call Women's Aid.

Maybe if you did move out it might spur your mother on to do something about her own situation. Just a thought..