Accused of cheating...totally innocent

LegacyUser

Excuse the rant but I am going to burst a blood vessel if I can't get some opinions on this.

First of all, my OH and I have been together eight years, engaged for two years, ups and downs like many couples but lately things have been quite bad, arguments over stupid things etc

Today he rang me and asked me where I was on a certain day last week. To be honest I am out doing something or other most days so I had to actually stop and think about it for a minute. Before I had time to answer, he asked me who I was with. I said nobody as far as I could remember. Of course I asked why all the questions but he said he would talk to me when he got home.

When he got home he took out his phone and told me to listen to a voicemail that I had 'left' him on the particular day last week. To be honest, it is mostly static noise, then you hear a mans voice saying something and a woman's voice replying. He is convinced that it is my voice and that I had a man in the car with me somewhere.

I have never in my life cheated in a relationship. The only thing I can think of is that my phone redialled the last number I called (him), his phone went to voicemail and he caught part of a conversation on the radio as I was driving. I am actually looking at podcasts to see if I can actually get the exact words spoken and play it to him. He is asking me who the guy is and even though I am blue in the face from saying it, he doesn't believe me.

Would love an outsiders opinion on this.

Thanks

Tokyo

If what you say is true, then you are in a very difficult position as it's almost impossible to prove a negative in a situation such as this. I've been in a similar situation in the past, with an ex that accused me of cheating when I did no such thing. It eventually got to the point that no matter what I did I would always make sure there was some way to prove where I had been or who I was with, and in the end it became too much. This is something that you need to nip in the bud as soon as possible.

If you are certain that other actions by you haven't inadvertently given him reason to worry, then it sounds like your partner is extremely insecure in your relationship - which in my opinion is a far greater problem than the initial accusation, because no matter what you do, he will second guess you. As it stands it sounds like he is being consumed by his own fears for whatever reason, and doesn't feel safe in the relationship with you. Try to set some time apart so that you can both sit down, without interruption, and talk out why he feel that you have cheated on him, and why he is so insecure when you have done nothing to warrant such an accusation. However it's also worth bearing in mind that there is nothing you can do to change your partner’s mind if they don’t want it to change. If they can’t believe you when it is clear you aren’t cheating, then your relationship needs major work, and perhaps professional help.

There's also a second explanation that may be worth considering - only you know your OH so only you can decide whether it's a possibility or not. In my experience, a person who constantly accuses their partner of cheating is often projecting in order to quell their own guilt at cheating themselves. Do you have any reason to suspect that he might have cheated???

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time to reply mike_ie. I can honestly say that I have never given him any reason to think I was cheating on him. I do not go out or socialise as financially I cannot afford it so whenever I am out without him, I'm either with family or grocery shopping.

Your point regarding the possibility of him cheating is interesting. I did not mention it in my initial post but he has cheated twice that I know of in the past and as recently as February he told me that somebody at his work was spreading rumours that he had cheated with a work colleague.

I just don't know what to think to be honest. I am so annoyed that he would question my fidelity when I have never given him reason to ever. To be brutally honest I don't even know if I want to attempt to fix this at all.
Thanks again

Tokyo

somadrightnow wrote: »

He has cheated twice that I know of in the past and as recently as February he told me that somebody at his work was spreading rumours that he had cheated with a work colleague.

Your response seems to be reasonably thought out, so I'm going to pay you the courtesy of being just as frank. That would raise every red flag for me if I were in your position. It sounds like the actions of a person who is covering their tracks....

LegacyUser

I thought that too at first but then he said he was the honest one for telling me about the 'alleged' rumours before I heard it from somebody else.

Tokyo

somadrightnow wrote: »

I thought that too at first but then he said he was the honest one for telling me about the 'alleged' rumours before I heard it from somebody else.

I think that you and your partner need to sit down and have a very serious discussion about far more than just his accusation towards you. One other possibility is that he is doing damage control - feeding you his version of events before the truth leaks out to you through the grapevine....

somadrightnow

somadrightnow wrote: »

I thought that too at first but then he said he was the honest one for telling me about the 'alleged' rumours before I heard it from somebody else.

Of course he would, he's trying to set it up so that if you hear it from someone else- and it may well be true - he has already covered that base by claiming it's rumours and he's so honest.
I'm sorry op, it doesn't look great, it sounds like he's manipulating and trying to turn it on you

LegacyUser

Thanks again mike_ie and bluewolf. Its getting to a point where I am so fed up of his behaviour but yet can't find the strength to stand up to him. He always turns every situation around, for instance earlier, when I got mad because of the absurdity of his allegations, he replied with 'I only asked you a question, why the overreaction'? Even though what he has actually done is asked 'Who were you with last___? and then said 'You had a man in the car with you'? He accuses me of being 'too soft' and letting people walk all over me in my career but I'm starting to see that he is playing on this himself. I just don't know how to get out of this.

shalalala

There is only one thing I can think of to resolve this issue. Give him unlimited access to everything for say 6 months in exchange for the same from him. This should both tell him that he has nothing to worry about and also let you fond out if he has indeed been up to his old tricks

Can you get some space OP? Stay with friends or something?
At the end of the day you need to ask yourself is this someone who loves you, trusts you, has your best interests at heart... I mean "you had a man in the car with you" - really, what kind of question is that to ask your partner of 8 years

sydthebeat

He thinks you had a man in your car with you, and then you phoned him?? Is he serious?

My name behind with ad.. and the amont of mistaken calls I get is staggering, because I'm usually first in their address book. People taking in the back ground is usually fairly clear, tvs and radios are not so much.

But that's besides the point, if this is coming out of the blue with no pre issues, then he needs to apologies and have no moral high ground.

Tokyo

Do you have family or friends in the area? It's not often I say this, but I would give serious consideration to staying with them for a while, and using the time to regroup, to figure out your thoughts in all of this and to try and get to the heart of the matter. Because from what you have said so far, you have a partner who:

• has cheated on you repeatedly.
• has recently come up with a story of being falsely accused of cheating with a colleague.
• has accused you of cheating, with nothing to back it.
• plays on your emotions in order to control you, and who you no longer have the energy to deal with.

I'm sorry to say this but I think there is a lot more going on here than he is letting on, and the absolute least of your worries is his accusation. I would imagine that if you investigated further, a lot more unpleasant truths would surface....

LegacyUser

Thanks again guys, really appreciate your views on this.

shalalala: I would have absolutely no problem in the world giving him unlimited access to everything but I know there is no way he would do the same. His phone never leaves his side and he is constantly on it, even if we are out to dinner.

bluewolf and mike_ie: I really do understand what you are saying about getting some space but the only family nearby are my parents who are also elderly and I do not want them worrying about me which I know they will. Also, I am in a house, which I have personally financed 90% of and have no intention of leaving a place I have invested so much in and leave him sitting in it. Sorry to sound so harsh about it.

sydthebeat: There is no way he is going to apologise to me. I tried to distance myself from the situation as much but he came after me to pursue the argument. I asked for some space and he told me I was acting like a princess for 'shooing' him away.

The mad thing about all this is that I cannot even pinpoint when exactly this call occurred and why he has left it until now to bring it up. I don't even know if it is my own voice on the voicemail as the static is so bad. This is wrecking my head.

Lou.m

Crazy men and women make sane people act crazy.


Going to these lengths is insane to prove your innocence searching for a podcast thats mental??

He is manipulating you talking about 'rumors' THATS BS.

And if you DID have a guy in that car anyway would that mean you were cheating? NO!

You need to talk calmly with him about his controlling behavior so neither of you blow up.

Don't get dragged into dramatics.

Tigger99

Oh dear is this the same guy that protested hard that he wasn't sleeping with a work colleague that the whole workplace thought he was? That sacrificed time with you to spend it with her and gave you flimsy excuses?

I think you need to explore why you think so little of yourself that you accept such little respect. I say this as someone that had to do similar to understand why I attracted toxic relationships.

Big Bag of Chips

Ask him to move out then. He will cover his tracks forever. You will never get the full truth from him. He is actually hoping that you have cheated, so that he doesn't have to feel so bad then... Because he can ignore his cheating and lies, and focus on how terrible you are instead.

Tell him, don't ask, tell him that you want him to leave for a while, while you get your head around everything that has gone on. Expect more accusations, moving him out, to move someone else in etc.

But for once, stand up for yourself. Value yourself as deserving better than what he is offering you.

Neyite

I cant add anything to the excellent advice already given, but I'm another one who thinks its all projection from him.

He has cheated twice - that you know of.

And there are some sort of shenanagains going on again that he is trying to pre-empt. And he is projecting big-time. I dont think he is one bit grateful for those two chances you gave him at what is probably a massive cost to you. There are so many red flags here its like bunting.

Look at your future - down the line, when you are tied together by law, and its a big mess to get out of. Maybe when your finances change and you are working part-time with kids (assuming you may want children) and dont easily have the money or the resources to leave, and he wont. When kids are caught in the middle of accusations, rows, atmospheres in the house.

Or when you get a STI from him when pregnant that has serious risks for your health and the health of your baby. Or when he just gives you an STI and you are sitting at your GP's mortified discussing medications for it. Where he increasingly 'works late' leaving you with all the stuff that needs to be done in the evening alone. Where you know he is cheating but cant prove it - where you get used to that horrible gut-punch feeling so much that you have it constantly and dont remember what it was like to live without that feeling.

And then when you are at a rare night out, and your friends boyfriend buys you a drink and you get accused of all sorts and it ruins a night you were looking forward to and humiliates you in front of your friends.

Dont have a life like that. Dont throw away your life on a man like this.

Pippy1976

somadrightnow wrote: »

The mad thing about all this is that I cannot even pinpoint when exactly this call occurred and why he has left it until now to bring it up. I don't even know if it is my own voice on the voicemail as the static is so bad. This is wrecking my head.

I posted extensively about something similar: my ex accusing me of cheating with no proof but a flimsy FB message from an ex-boyfriend I had 20 years ago.

It will wreck your head trying to think logically about something so illogical. Anyway, as someone on here pointed out to me: I was the problem for my boyfriend. Whatever I did or said or proved it didn't matter... I was an issue and he wanted me gone.

Simple as. And also, damage control on his part. I never found out if my ex was cheating on me but I wouldn't be surprised if he was: deflect the issue away from themselves and make me look like a fool.

Leave. Now. The mind games will f**k you up.

Pippy1976

Lou.m wrote: »

Going to these lengths is insane to prove your innocence searching for a podcast thats mental??

OP I had to do similar things. While it seems mental you just are hell-bent on proving your innocence and will do anything to do so.

I printed out Yoga receipts, phone records, pictures, emails ANYTHING to prove I was where I said I was. I emailed a colleague asking her a seemingly random question but it had enough information in it to PROVE I was where i said I was. Then I sent it to my ex.

Never good enough. Just last night I cried myself to sleep because of all the stuff he said I did. Don't fall into the same trap. I sound MENTAL just writing all that stuff.

Ridiculous.

LegacyUser

hi OP

I have been in your situation.. spent years justifying myself.. and in the end it didnt matter.. leaving my phone open, allowing access to computer etc.. making him feel better because he had low self esteem.. in the end I was the one with low self esteem... years of emotional ABUSE takes it toll.... get out.. it is a controlling toxic relationship.. plain and simple.

I would have preferred a slap as the emotional pain dug deep.. still dealing with after effects..

wish you all the best.. remember its his stuff not yours..

I got to the point where in the end I wanted to cheat (although it is not in my nature) because I was accused so many times!

Looking back It was a catch 22.. he emotionally abused me so i felt worthless in which felt I couldnt meet anyone else.. so stayed..

Gongoozler

To me it sounds like he wants you to break up with him. Cheating, getting caught, cheating again, and now accusing you of cheating for no reason.

I'd be long gone before now, but yeah I wouldn't be concerning myself with trying to prove anything to him. Tell him you need space and the other way is if he moves out for a little while. First I think his reaction will be a bit of a shock to you, but even if he is fine with it, you'll get some space and time to think.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much to everyone for taking the time to reply. I’m sorry I haven’t replied in the past days but it’s been constant arguments and just chaos really. He has become so nasty and hurtful in what he is throwing at me rooting up extremely personal things I would have shared with him in the past. I have asked him to leave permanently but he is refusing to go anywhere until he is compensated financially; in that he wants whatever money he put into the house back. It seems like that is the only way I am going to get him out of my life for good.

ABajaninCork

Don't play into his hands and pay him. If you do that, it'll be something else and something else, and you'll end up in a vicious circle.

Is the house bought or rented? In whose name is it?? How long have you lived together??? I ask these questions because it might have a legal bearing as to whether you can either move out or throw his backside out on the street...

LegacyUser

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Don't play into his hands and pay him. If you do that, it'll be something else and something else, and you'll end up in a vicious circle.

Is the house bought or rented? In whose name is it?? How long have you lived together??? I ask these questions because it might have a legal bearing as to whether you can either move out or throw his backside out on the street...

I'm afraid that its the only way to get rid AbajaninCork. In total we have been living together for 5 and a half years. We were renting in the city for most of it and the current house we are in was bought a year and a half ago in my name. To be fair it was just walls and a roof and he has invested some money in it but I have paid for the majority of the costs.

Sunny Dayz

somadrightnow wrote: »

s I would have shared with him in the past. I have asked him to leave permanently but he is refusing to go anywhere until he is compensated financially; in that he wants whatever money he put into the house back. .

What strikes me here is that he's more interested in saving his finances than saving the relationship...

Well done Op for standing up to him, maintain your strength and resolve for a bit longer. Have you any friends nearby for support?

Big Bag of Chips

If you are living together in that house for only a year and a half then he is not entitled to a share of the house. Tell him whatever he has put/paid into it is less than what would have been the market rent, so he has gotten a sweet deal from you.

And tell someone. He is depending on you keeping this quiet so that he can bully you into doing what he wants. You don't want to tell your parents, fair enough, but what about a friend, or 2. Male friends, or friends with brothers? I'm not suggesting the brothers actually DO anything, but he might be less brave in his refusal to leave if there is another man in the house.

I also think it speaks volumes that rather than attempt to right the wrongs of the relationship he is just looking for cash.

You don't have to pay him anything. Hand him back his engagement ring and tell him to pawn it.

ABajaninCork

I agree with BBOC. Tell him to sod off. I guarantee the money he paid into the house, doesn't equal market rent!

If you insist on paying him? Total up what he's paid so far. Deduct the rent and bills he would've paid over the 18 months at market rate, and give the loser the remainder.

Put his arse out.

NamelessPhil

He may have some rights as you have been in a cohabiting committed relationship for the last five years. Please read the advice on the Citizen's Information website about cohabiting couples and you may need to consult a solicitor. There are FLAC clinics all around the country.

Cohabiting couples and property rights on the breakdown of a relationship.

Good luck, it's going to be a tough few months until this is sorted out.

Big Bag of Chips

I do agree that you need to get legal advice - obviously none of us here can tell you definitely. But my interpretation of the cohabiting rule is that you have to be living together in the family home for 5 years, *3 if children are involved, in order for a partner to lay a claim to part of it.

But again - I'm slipping into legal territory there and not qualified to advise you, so arm yourself with as much knowledge as you need. But do not back down on this. The man is a bully. He has bullied you and cheated on you your entire relationship. You had the means, gumption and get up and go to buy yourself a house... You are stronger and more capable than you think you are. Don't let him drag you down further by demanding money from you.

Does he think he should get away with living expenses free for the past year and a half - just because you own a house? Does that entitle him to a refund on any living expenses he might have had? Of course not. Get some support into your house by way of friends. Get him out, and let him go and try claim his expenses back if he so wishes. Tell him you are not giving him a penny.

*Edit: It is 2 if children are involved.

Pippy1976

This exact thing happened to me: Show me your phone records and I'll believe you... I showed him the phone bill. Show me your emails then I'll believe you... I showed him my emails. Show me your this, your that, if you tell me this, or tell me that then everything'll be fine.

Nothing was fine. Every time I did as he asked it was something else he wanted. Don't give him a penny. You move out. Go stay with family or friends or find an apartment and leave him with the house.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Don't play into his hands and pay him. If you do that, it'll be something else and something else, and you'll end up in a vicious circle.

Is the house bought or rented? In whose name is it?? How long have you lived together??? I ask these questions because it might have a legal bearing as to whether you can either move out or throw his backside out on the street...

Virgil°

Pippy1976 wrote: »

This exact thing happened to me: Show me your phone records and I'll believe you... I showed him the phone bill. Show me your emails then I'll believe you... I showed him my emails. Show me your this, your that, if you tell me this, or tell me that then everything'll be fine.

Nothing was fine. Every time I did as he asked it was something else he wanted. Don't give him a penny. You move out. Go stay with family or friends or find an apartment and leave him with the house.

Although most of this post rings true i would abso -****ing -lutely not do the underlined , it's your house. You owe this man nothing. Literally nothing.

Obliq

somadrightnow wrote: »

I'm afraid that its the only way to get rid AbajaninCork. In total we have been living together for 5 and a half years. We were renting in the city for most of it and the current house we are in was bought a year and a half ago in my name. To be fair it was just walls and a roof and he has invested some money in it but I have paid for the majority of the costs.

OP, like others, I suggest seeing a solicitor. A strongly worded solicitor's letter in their most impersonal language laying out exactly what you don't owe him, and making a formal request for a reply through his solicitor could do wonders (ie. put the frighteners on him that a) you're serious and b) it'll cost him more money than he thinks he's owed to go down that route).

This is not legal advice btw, just what in my experience could be put in a letter.

Ps. Might be worth the money to you to find and hire a good family law solicitor for this purpose rather than wait?

Pippy1976

Apologies, I missed the part where the OP said the house was registered in her name.

Sorry for confusion.

Virgil° wrote: »

Although most of this post rings true i would abso -****ing -lutely not do the underlined , it's your house. You owe this man nothing. Literally nothing.

logic

Like the others have said, he is not entitled to anything, no money back. (http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/redress_scheme_for_cohabiting_couples.html)

I would go to a solicitor right away to get him removed from the house.