Not Happy with Housemates

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

so run of the mill type of complaining here... but a few different bits thrown into the mix. I'll start from the start with this one to give context.

In January I decided I was moving out of my last house - broke up with the gf and decided to move in with mates. After chatting to the lads I'm friends with it was decided that three of us would get together in a house share and started looking about. I'm gonna call them Conor and Paul. I was very good mates with both of them but they wouldn't have known each other that well before moving in together.

Coming up to the search I found I was doin most of the searching, was the one organising all the viewings and was the one asking the questions etc. After trouble finding a place at the beginning we ended up going with a house that suited all of us. I was the agent's main contact and had to organise the usual ****e for the move - PPS numbers, passport photos, bills etc. I was working full time along with that and both the lads were unemployed and not doing a whole lot in the organisation side of things.

When we moved in together I began to notice that both the lads were messy. They would leave empty cans around the house, sink full of dishes, cigarettes bet into the carpet etc. It was fairly mank and I lost it with both of them and said that they needed to cop on. They did and the cleaning is much better now... It ended up with one of them saying I didn't need to be their dad... I felt/ feel like a parent for them at times and it's beginning to drive me nuts.

Anyway, Conor has a mild disability and dropped out of college because of it. I don't think that the disability he has would have caused anyone to drop out of college and was questioning his actions but none of my buisness so i ignored. Anyway he works in a pub right next door to us and all he does is complain about work - bad hours, bad manager, rude customers etc. I'm getting a bit sick of listening to him knowing that he has chosen this. I tried getting him back in college as I work for a bank and was sorting out loans to get him back into it - got him an appt with the loans advisor and all the rest and still he didn't show up to them.

The thing is is that Conor is becoming ridiculously condescending with me. We would both have been thick as theives for years but recently he's just being so patronising with me and I don't get it. I have a good job and finished my degree and all the rest but I know I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Recently he's been challening me on every single thing i say nearly... and smirks at me after saying/ correcting it/ me. An example would be us watching football and I'd just make a passing comment about a player and I'd get the ACTUALLY THAT'S NOT ACCURATE FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS.

I think that Conor is basically just belittling me because he's jealous of my situation. I worked really hard to get to where I am (overcame psychiatric illnesses, learning disabilities etc.) and I know maybe through my actions and certain things I've said that he thinks that I think I'm somehow better than he is... and in some ways I think I am (I know...). I don't mind not liking your job, not liking your situation etc but i think a lot of people choose to be in ruts and don't use the help they're offered. I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without the help of others and it's just bothering me. He's also very set in his ways, eats the same food everyday, goes to the same pub every Saturday etc. He won't go on walks with me and my other friends (and hikes we do too) or go for coffee or anything else. Its such a shaem as we were very much best mates

He and Paul are getting on like a house on fire these days and I'm feeling increasingly isolated and alone in the house. I would move out and all the rest but I'm the main contact for the agent and the place is really nice.

I don't know how to figure this out. I think if I confronted him it would be a massive row to be honest.

Thoughts?

judgefudge

I think you need to cut him some slack. Maybe he dropped out because the course wasn't right for him or he doesn't want to be in college. It happens all the time. Fair enough he complains about his job, most people do... But at least he has one.

I think you're getting too involved to be honest and being a bit condescending yourself, thinking you're better than him... I'd be ticked off if someone I lived with was acting like that. Stay out of his business when it comes to his career/education and just try to lighten up and have a laugh with him as a mate. Maybe you're seen as the uptight housemate?

Anyway you said the cleaning has improved so that's something.

SaoirseRose

As long as he's keeping the place clean then it's not really a housemate issue, more of a friendship issue and one that's past it's sell by date by the sounds of it. You can live together without being best friends, he's under no obligation. Maybe he just realised he has more in common with the other guy. If he's being a dick to you then call him out on it, and if you want an easy life then just let it go and get on with your own.

Rubberchikken

you have to step back. sounds to me like he's more than capable of looking after himself.
you did a llot of good things. organising the house etc, but you can't organise his life for him, and while you probably don't mean to, it might be coming through a little bit and he's picked it up.

go on with your life. treat him as a friendly room mate and see if that will help things.

hope things get better.

Flippyfloppy

In fairness you're supposed to be friends, you're not his parent. You wanted the best for him but he probably saw this as you being a bit OTT and controlling. It probably came as a shock to him moving in with you and finding out you're like that! Are you like that in all close relationships? It may be something you need to watch.

No wonder he fought fire with fire and became condescending back. Writing's pretty clear on the wall to me.

Matteroffact

You did a great job in getting where you are and you are the one in this house who has all the "go" in them to get things done and because you feel good about what you have achieved you would like the same for your 2 house mates, so you try to steer them in the right direction to make the most of themselves. The thing is they resent your advice. So instead of them being grateful for the help they try to get at you for being better than they are. The best thing to do would be don't offer any advice unless they ask for it. Continue keeping your room tidy and cleaning up after yourself.

"If you want to know me, come and live with me" springs to mind here. Living with others can be a pain in the neck so you will have to do some adjusting yourself to make it work, you cannot have it all the way you would like it. They have a say too.

louisenf2014

Hey OP,

I actually can relate to some elements of your situation. I was in a share before where there was a bit of a clash and I think the other posters are overlooking the fact that living with this is incredibly draining. When you come home to tension, even if it's just your own irritations and the other people have no idea it's going on, it's exhausting and frustrating.

I think that no party is really to blame here. You like things to be exact, they seem less bothered. Maybe Conor is just the type of person who lets off steam by ranting about how much he dislikes his job. Maybe he genuinely doesn't want to go for walks and hikes and is just a routine kinda guy. You have to respect him for who he is, respect your own ideals and taking his snide remarks into account work out whether or not it's something you can sustainably put up with for the rest of your lease (I don't think you mentioned how long your lease is). If you feel it's at breaking point then maybe next time the 3 of you are all together point out how grateful you are that they are pulling their weight around the place now and that it's great. Let them know that if they have issues with you as a roomate then you're happy to work with them to fix these things (and be willing to accept that they may have feedback!) A clearing of the air may help.

Worst case scenario contact the landlord and say that you are moving on and stick an ad up online to find a new roomate, give the landlord the option of vetting your replacement and everyone will be happy.

Life is too short to allow stuff like this get the better of you.