How to fill a hole

LegacyUser

I'm a late 30s single girl. I've been single for a long time.
Most of my life is fulfilling - My job is in the creative sector and I adore it. Money isn't great but I love the work and am working hard to be more financially secure.
I have hobbies that I get great enjoyment from and love trying new things. I have a small circle of friends but they are real, true friends who would do anything for me.
People tell me that I'm attractive and the usual 'How don't you have a boyfriend?' etc, etc.
I have a lot to be grateful for in my life.

I've come to a stage in my life where I realise my self worth and know I have a lot to offer a partner. Thankfully I don't have the biological ticking so I'm not in a mad rush or desperate to find the father of my child!

The problem is, despite my life being mostly fulfilling I still feel a hole and one that can only be filled by a partner. I wish I could change this. I have three siblings, older and younger than me and all three are in settled relationships with children. Every time we meet up, there will be news of another baby, engagement/wedding news and I feel as if my life always stays the same in that regard - always single. I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a freak, to be honest and I do get upset afterwards.

It's not that I don't have men interested in me and believe me, I'm not looking for a unattainable Brad Pitt type - they're not even the types I go for. I like arty men (not alpha males), and mostly they are much younger than me - I have a very youthful outlook on life and sometimes find guys my age a bit too serious. I suppose the problem with younger men is that most aren't ready to settle down. I also find it hard to click with guys, but I do click with some.

Anyway I would just like to know, how do you fill this hole? Maybe I see this as a hole, because being single for many, many years I really miss the affection and support of a relationship. I know I get support from my friends and family but there is nothing like the feeling of being held and caressed by a boyfriend. I have an ache for that, to be honest.
I did have a pet but they died and I was heartbroken. I don't want to get another one as I don't have the time to give it right now (I do have time for a boyfriend, it's just a pet can be more demanding of time).

Thanks for reading

Obliq

OP, you seem really together to me, bar what you feel you're missing. I have a friend very like how you sound (although she is more in the outdoors/nature preservation sector and likes men of those interests) and she also has the ...em... squeeze shaped hole in her life - missing the cuddles and affection of a LTR, but is distinctly fussy and not one (unlike me in my single days) to go with the process of elimination!

I wonder have you ruled yourself out of a relationship with an older man? I hear what you're saying about younger men and your carefree attitude, but one of the things that attracts me so much to the fella I'm with is the timeless childishness that he has going on for him. Gets on great with small children in a silly kind of way, not above soaking people with a garden hose, that sort of thing. And he's 52, which is 10 years older than me. Of course there's always a trade-off....with younger men it's perhaps often the lack of intention in a LTR, in older perhaps it's the more jaundiced (serious?) not wanting to waste their time?

In your post, I'm trying to work out what your question really is. Is it "How can I feel more completely fulfilled (emotionally and physically) while being single?" or "How can I somewhat broaden my perspective to meet more men who I'd give a chance to be (emotional and physical) with?". Those questions aren't mutually exclusive of course, but which question do you prefer?

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks Obliq for your answer.

I think I might have ruled myself out with older men. I think it's a mental thing for me - this attraction to younger men. There's a part of me that doesn't want to grow up and I think this younger man thing is tied into that.
Actually your man sounds great! I am attracted to silliness and having fun and don't think I could go out with someone who wouldn't have a go on the swings, for instance!
I think physically I probably equate an older looking man to seriousness when I should be more open minded. A younger looking guy could be more serious than an older man.
I should try to be more open. Also with older guys there is more of a chance that they are taken or if not, have kids from another relationship. I think that's another reason I go younger.

In your post, I'm trying to work out what your question really is. Is it "How can I feel more completely fulfilled (emotionally and physically) while being single?" or "How can I somewhat broaden my perspective to meet more men who I'd give a chance to be (emotional and physical) with?". Those questions aren't mutually exclusive of course, but which question do you prefer?

Yes I do seem to be asking 2 questions! I definitely want to meet someone, sooner rather than later but in the meantime (as I have no idea if or when this may happen) I would like to fill this hole, as I don't want them to be my be-and-end-all, as that is a lot of pressure to put on someone else.

Obliq

fillingahole wrote: »

Also with older guys there is more of a chance that they are taken or if not, have kids from another relationship. I think that's another reason I go younger.

Well mine doesn't have kids, but I do. He likes them though, but they're less of a novelty than they once were What can I say except for me, younger men became less of a novelty than they once were too.

My rules for myself before I met my fella:

a)Have as few rules as possible
b)do not be looking for a relationship
c)know what you don't want or need

That's it.

Yes I do seem to be asking 2 questions! I definitely want to meet someone, sooner rather than later but in the meantime (as I have no idea if or when this may happen) I would like to fill this hole, as I don't want them to be my be-and-end-all, as that is a lot of pressure to put on someone else.

Being content with yourself is a clever trick alright. How and when are you most content? Do you have a trick to it? With me, it was a good (trashy) book and a night to myself (but I have kids, so the tranquillity was awesome!). I can safely tell you though, that what genuinely made me most attractive at that time was my independence and contentment in my own company. All else will follow.....or not. But I'm sure you'll have many opportunities OP

If you see this "hole" as an actual thing - a void that needs filling, then that's a need and a pressure on yourself never mind anyone else. Are you sure you're actually not just horny?! (not to be flippant, but you could scratch that itch, I'm sure. Why wait?)

LegacyUser

a)Have as few rules as possible
b)do not be looking for a relationship
c)know what you don't want or need

I think because I've been on my own for so long, even though I'm independent, I think I might get a bit needy if I meet a potential man - I suppose I'm afraid that this will be my only chance and I hold on for dear life - even though I try to act not needy and I would never call/text all the time, it's more what I think in my head.
I don't know if that makes sense? I think I just feel, from getting older, you aren't meeting as many potential men as say in your 20s, and there's more of an urgency that if you meet someone you connect with, to hold on, as you might not meet someone like that again.

I'm content with lots of things - my work, my hobbies, sometimes just simple things, like floating in the sea or meditating. But when those things are done, I still feel an empty feeling.
It's really annoying.

At my age I definitely am horny. I scratched that itch with a ONS which was great, but I ended up meeting up with him again and getting to know him and falling for him, so as much as I would love to scratch the itches, I get too involved and hurt.
But you're right it could be a horny feeling - my hormones are in overdrive at the moment. I wish I could have sex like a man - maybe that would solve my problem!

Obliq

fillingahole wrote: »

But you're right it could be a horny feeling - my hormones are in overdrive at the moment. I wish I could have sex like a man - maybe that would solve my problem!

Oh my god, what's stopping you?!

Seriously. Knowing what you know now....

I think because I've been on my own for so long, even though I'm independent, I think I might get a bit needy if I meet a potential man - I suppose I'm afraid that this will be my only chance and I hold on for dear life

Yes, there's always potential for that disaster unless you're ultra aware of it. Which you are. Therefore, you will be keeping your emotions at a premium and can safely meet any man in the same regard. Just be careful of their emotions and that you are honest and upfront if they're NOT the potential man that you'd make yourself more available for.

I don't know if that makes sense? I think I just feel, from getting older, you aren't meeting as many potential men as say in your 20s, and there's more of an urgency that if you meet someone you connect with, to hold on, as you might not meet someone like that again.

Of course it makes sense, but that whole urgency thing does nobody any favours. I'd say, if you have a need for some companionship, that's in the here and now and nobody can tell you/him if there'll be more. If it feels right when you have met somebody, all you can do is put out the feelers and only go as far as you feel able without investing. Once in your 30's and beyond, it could be a case of a sexual urge turning into a lasting friendship just as much as a potential relationship. Or turning into no repeat of the experience. I think you're putting undue pressure on yourself/any man you might meet casually. Try and just have a good time! That's ok too y'know?!

At my age I definitely am horny. I scratched that itch with a ONS which was great, but I ended up meeting up with him again and getting to know him and falling for him, so as much as I would love to scratch the itches, I get too involved and hurt.

Yes, ditto, but I have to admit I mostly just went for the ONS with a total ban on another chance if I wasn't convinced. Heard no complaints but I had been upfront about the ONS I fell for a few because I wasn't totally comfortable about being that independent woman and had some neediness that clearly () I needed to crucify myself about over some random fella in order to work it out, but I toughened up.

I tell ya though, I wouldn't necessarily recommend my path to a friend. You remind me of me though, so best of luck

LegacyUser

I really like the idea of just sleeping with attractive guys but I'm not sure if I'm built for it?

When I had the ONS, I was proud of myself, for just viewing it as sex - pure enjoyment and no strings attached. I was very willing to leave it like that. I never got that empty, used feeling afterwards, which is so unusual for me, because I'm a very emotional person.
Anyway when the ONS contacted me, I thought I would give it a chance, because when I thought about it, I didn't want to sleep with loads of guys and I liked being with him.

When that didn't work out, I had another ONS with someone else and just felt awful afterwards (was thinking of the other ONS' guy).
Maybe that was because there was emotional involvement?
I like the idea of sleeping with someone but I also like the cuddling afterwards.
Funnily enough the first ONS, I left straight after sex and there was no cuddling - I couldn't believe I did that, but of course, when I was with him again I stayed the night because I was more involved.
Maybe I should just leave straight away to stop any closeness and not be contacted again?

Also my town, while it is quite big, people know each other and I would be afraid of getting a reputation - I don't know how you would keep things discreet?

Lou.m

fillingahole wrote: »

OP here. Thanks Obliq for your answer.

I think I might have ruled myself out with older men. I think it's a mental thing for me - this attraction to younger men. There's a part of me that doesn't want to grow up and I think this younger man thing is tied into that.
Actually your man sounds great! I am attracted to silliness and having fun and don't think I could go out with someone who wouldn't have a go on the swings, for instance!
I think physically I probably equate an older looking man to seriousness when I should be more open minded. A younger looking guy could be more serious than an older man.
I should try to be more open. Also with older guys there is more of a chance that they are taken or if not, have kids from another relationship. I think that's another reason I go younger.



Yes I do seem to be asking 2 questions! I definitely want to meet someone, sooner rather than later but in the meantime (as I have no idea if or when this may happen) I would like to fill this hole, as I don't want them to be my be-and-end-all, as that is a lot of pressure to put on someone else.

Older guys can be immature too just to warn you.
I would look for single nice guys who are ready for a serious relationship rather than worry about age. It is really how ready they are for the type of relationship you want and whether or not they feel the same about you.


Why not go for someone your age? I have a general rule or not going five years younger or five years older.

I think because I've been on my own for so long, even though I'm independent, I think I might get a bit needy if I meet a potential man - I suppose I'm afraid that this will be my only chance and I hold on for dear life

We can all fall into that fake trap.

It sounds like you really need to get to know yourself. Are you looking for someone ? For a partner? Look for that person.