made a mistake

JillyQ

Hi I have got myself into a real mess. I have a male friend that I really care about we have only ever had a kiss & a cuddle nothing else has ever happened between us. Last weekend I made a stupid mistake & thought that honesty would be the best policy. Now he is being funny with me. I have know this guy for two years & he knows that there hasnt been anyone else. What should I do?

eric prydz

JillyQ wrote: »

Hi I have got myself into a real mess. I have a male friend that I really care about we have only ever had a kiss & a cuddle nothing else has ever happened between us. Last weekend I made a stupid mistake & thought that honesty would be the best policy. Now he is being funny with me. I have know this guy for two years & he knows that there hasnt been anyone else. What should I do?

Having never been in a relationship ever im no help to you,but why do you think that you made a mistake?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

JillyQ wrote: »

Hi I have got myself into a real mess. I have a male friend that I really care about we have only ever had a kiss & a cuddle nothing else has ever happened between us. Last weekend I made a stupid mistake & thought that honesty would be the best policy. Now he is being funny with me. I have know this guy for two years & he knows that there hasnt been anyone else. What should I do?

What was the mistake?

JillyQ

going near the other guy

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

JillyQ wrote: »

going near the other guy

Do I have this right....

Friend you were interested in, romantically.

You went off with some randomer, as a once-off.

Decided to be honest with 'friend'

Now friend is acting funny?

Neon_Lights

This friend of hers appears to be one hell of a chode haha

JillyQ

yep that's about it

Gremlinertia

If you two have only had a kiss and a cuddle in the two years then I doubt ye are exclusive so no mistake made.. If yer man is acting all snotty now he's actually acting like a child. Sit the lad down and ask him what he wants. Though with that behaviour I'd not be interested tbh.

Tokyo

JillyQ, I don't see how you made a mistake. You had no commitments to anybody else at the time wen you "went near" this other guy, and if your friend is acting funny, then that's his own hang-up regarding his feelings for you. However it does sound like the current arrangement between you both has reached an impasse. If you both do have feelings for each other (and it appears that you both do), then you both need to sit down and figure out where this relationship goes, if it goes anywhere at all. If not, then that needs to be clarified too, so that you can both pursue other people without anybody "feeling funny" about it afterwards.

JillyQ

Thanks Grem am actually going to do that the next time I speak to him.

JillyQ

mike you are right maybe this will actually push things forward.

Big Bag of Chips

You've bruised his ego. That's all. You are not going out together but he likes you and likes that you like him.

When you talk to him do not apologise for being with someone else. You didn't do anything wrong. If you start out by apologising then he can really lay on the wounded victim act, and make you feel worse. Be confident in your approach about what you hope comes of the relationship. But don't let him make you feel guilty. You've been 2 years hanging around and not getting anywhere. That is both your faults. Neither of you have made a move to further the relationship. You were perfectly within your right to go out and be with someone else. He is perfectly within his right to feel a bit jealous.. But he has no right to make you feel bad about it.

Tell him the time has come to piss or get off the pot!

mrty

JillyQ wrote: »

Hi I have got myself into a real mess. I have a male friend that I really care about we have only ever had a kiss & a cuddle nothing else has ever happened between us. Last weekend I made a stupid mistake & thought that honesty would be the best policy. Now he is being funny with me. I have know this guy for two years & he knows that there hasnt been anyone else. What should I do?

I wouldn't feel bad you haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like your friend wants more from your relationship, perhaps to step it up a notch. It may be the case that he is afraid to make a more serious advance on you maybe out of fear off losing your friendship or just plane old shyness. I realise you've been friends for a long time but some people are actually that shy and it can make them uncertain. Depending on what you want you should have a talk with him, believe me if you want the same as he does he'll soon forget any silly bad feelings he may have. If not he'll just have to deal with it. And you were right to be honest with him, fair play. Good luck.

JillyQ

mrty wrote: »

I wouldn't feel bad you haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like your friend wants more from your relationship, perhaps to step it up a notch. It may be the case that he is afraid to make a more serious advance on you maybe out of fear off losing your friendship or just plane old shyness. I realise you've been friends for a long time but some people are actually that shy and it can make them uncertain. Depending on what you want you should have a talk with him, believe me if you want the same as he does he'll soon forget any silly bad feelings he may have. If not he'll just have to deal with it. And you were right to be honest with him, fair play. Good luck.

thanks mrty for that I will have a talk with him this week & let you know how I get on.

JillyQ

Well my friend has just got back to me, after I left him a message to tell me he needs a few days to get his life in order, so I guess I have another few days to wait. I have a feeling something else is going come out.

mrty

JillyQ wrote: »

Well my friend has just got back to me, after I left him a message to tell me he needs a few days to get his life in order, so I guess I have another few days to wait. I have a feeling something else is going come out.

Well best of luck anyway, I hope everything works out for ya's. :-)

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

If you two are having this sort of drama before day 1 of the relationship even begins, I don't fancy your chances of lasting the distance.

JillyQ

mrty wrote: »

Well best of luck anyway, I hope everything works out for ya's. :-)

Im hoping it will to. Durcell bunnyI could do without the drama. I just wish he'd tell me what it is.

Big Bag of Chips

If he was a woman he'd be called a drama queen. He's wrecking your head. Having you hang on for him. Waiting around for him to sort out whatever he needs to sort out.

You do know you have a right to take control of your life and situation yourself, don't you? You can tell him what you want, and then you can ask him what he wants. If it's the same, great. If not, at least you know.

Would you like a relationship with him, actually? Maybe it's just this incident, but he sounds very childish and hard work!! Would you spend your entire relationship pandering to his moods?

If he drags this out for much longer I'd be walking away once and for all. This has been going nowhere for 2 years now. If it continues to go nowhere you are just wasting your time hanging around with him, and missing out on the possibility of a real relationship with some other great fella.

JillyQ

The drama of this incident is getting to me now . I will give him till the end of the weekend. If I dont hear from him by the end of the weekend I will be contacting him for a discussion about this.

Big Bag of Chips

But there is no incident. You are not going out with him. You kissed someone else. So far, nobody has done anything wrong. But now, because his ego is a bit bruised he needs to build it back up again and that means getting you hanging around, chasing after him etc.

Honestly? I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. He knows where you are if he wants you. For now, I'd be going out and getting on with my life.. And maybe meet a nice fella who you can have a nice grown up relationship with.

He's playing games. You don't have to join in though.

Lou.m

He is Mr unavailable some people some are very handsome or beautiful and they are convincing but they are only true to themselves.


He gets a high from 'bagging you'. Sometimes no matter what you do, say, try won't work and there truly is an explanation for that. If you find yourself struggling to understand what's going on in your relationship, the lack of communication, the disappearing acts, the hot and cold behavior just know there is an answer for this kind of behavior. Break the mystery then you break the spell he has over you so you can get on with your life.

A adult does what they say they will. The whole thinking that it’s unique to you, that there is a magic formula for fixing him, and that if you just love him and prove yourself that he will become available is rarely correct. He is either emotionally or physically or whatever unavailable to you. There are always 'obstacles' that get in the way of him being present and accountable and when he runs out of obstacles to blame, it turns to you. He has these 'life issues'. That is all fine once and a while but he has been unavailable for ages. There will be a litany of excuses of why he does not treat you in a straight forward manner and if these do not work he will turn it on you and berate you. There are excuses why he cannot be there but will always keep holding on.

I hope this does not sound too blunt. But you are in danger of being the fallback girl if you do not make the choice for yourself. You need to date other people.You do not owe him and explanation of why you chose to be with someone else for a while or whatever happened. Why does he have a hold on you when he has not committed anything?

You have been together but not BEEN together. That to me sounds like a fantasy relationship. I am not negating what you had. But when a relationship never really gets off the ground or is reciprocated some people have a tendency to join up the dots with lines that are not rally there. He has not said what he feels for you really has he? No. There is an ambiguity in his communication and I think it might be deliberate. When it is real. There will be no ambiguity.One of the things some men and women do though that’s very useful for those of you prone to overuse of your imagination, is remain distant, so while that does have its frustrations when you want them to make certain things a reality, truth be told, the distance works for you and leaves you free to imagine whatever you like. may not be aware of your dreamy tendencies at the outset, when it becomes clear you’re in LaLa Land and it doesn’t set off alarm bells and have them backing away, they rationalize that it’s not their fault that you’ve got “carried away” and that they’ll pass time with you.It is tough to say because you have given little info. But it can work two ways if someone is distant you can imagine them to be absolutely awful or mundane or terrible people and fear them or amazing and want them depending on your personality. Probably neither is true. I sometimes do the opposite and completely vilify people or out of sight and out of mind.

I think you are afraid to cut your loses. And I think deep down you might realize that in order to do that you would have to take him out of your life. As this friendship is blurred in his favor.It's easy to see how you can have an unrealistic picture of what a relationship looks like and how you can choose unavailable people to try to fill voids within you but only YOU can do that with a passion for life and self esteem :-) Let your own personality fill you with happiness.

He is just a guy.

He appears to be giving little and yet is constraining how you live. That is just my take. I know you are going to wait and see as you have said. I am possibly reading too much into it and I apologize if that is the case. I hope you find some value in my post.

He is not there in the relationship but he wants you to be.

Neon_Lights

Lou can I be your friend? I don't come with that sort of baggage

CaraMay

Maybe he liked you and hadn't got the courage up to tell you. Hope it goes your way

JillyQ

Hi lou thank you for your post. The thing thats in the bag of my mind is that he may not be physically available in other words I think there maybe someone else around. His reaction to this has put alot of questions into my mind. When I talk to him again they will be asked. As you say I maybe the fall back girl which is something I dont want.

Mary I hope it works out as well.

Lou.m

Neon_Lights wrote: »

Lou can I be your friend? I don't come with that sort of baggage

Honored :-)

Lou.m

JillyQ wrote: »

Hi lou thank you for your post. The thing thats in the bag of my mind is that he may not be physically available in other words I think there maybe someone else around.

People who are in relationships don't use them to barter for better. It's weird and possible off the point but some men and women do actually being in a relationship as making them MORE desirable and the relationship is the obstacle so you might take what he has left over without commitment.But just be watching for oh i can't be with you I have a girlfriend but lets keep our special friendship. Only it is not a normal friendship as in the rest of his mates etc.
I don't know this about him of course.

It is probably not to helpful of me to suppose things to much. Listen to what he has to say I guess but he should be genuine and know if he wants you etc and wants to give genuinely.

Best of luck Jilly and Mary too!

JillyQ

Lou.m wrote: »

People who are in relationships don't use them to barter for better. It's weird and possible off the point but some men and women do actually being in a relationship as making them MORE desirable and the relationship is the obstacle so you might take what he has left over without commitment.But just be watching for oh i can't be with you I have a girlfriend but lets keep our special friendship. Only it is not a normal friendship as in the rest of his mates etc.
I don't know this about him of course.

It is probably not to helpful of me to suppose things to much. Listen to what he has to say I guess but he should be genuine and know if he wants you etc and wants to give genuinely.

Best of luck Jilly and Mary too!

trust me lou if there is someone else around which I am starting to suspect there is it makes him a hell if alot less desireable to me. But I will listen to what he has to say. I could be wrong after all.

JillyQ

Well I eventually heard back from him. I had to go to hospital for a minor procedure during the week, he has been ill as well but on the road to recovery. Long story short his friend heard I was going to hospital. I got a couple of messsges from him on the day of my procedure, which I did reply to but nothing since. I guess I have my answer there.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Even though it wasn't the answer you'd hoped for, at least you've got closure.

JillyQ

The Cunning Linguist wrote: »

Even though it wasn't the answer you'd hoped for, at least you've got closure.

Yep I have. Just wish he had a set of balls & actually said it to me.

JillyQ

Heard back from my friend he has finally admitted to me that he was annoyed about the other guy. I have told him that it was a mistake & also that I will be working in his area next week if he wants to meet me. So hopefully we will get to see each other.

Big Bag of Chips

And if he doesn't meet you next week? What then? Actually, if you do meet each other next week, what then? I still have no idea why you told him going off with another fella was a mistake. Are you going to ask him to go out with you, properly, next week? Or are you going to sit there hoping he'll ask you, and be here this time next month still posting updates about him ignoring you/talking to you/sorting his life out etc.

This sounds like am awful lot of farting around for a non-relationship of two years. Surely if a proper bf/gf relationship was on the cards with you two, it would have happened by now.

Why are you not going out together?

JillyQ

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And if he doesn't meet you next week? What then? Actually, if you do meet each other next week, what then? I still have no idea why you told him going off with another fella was a mistake. Are you going to ask him to go out with you, properly, next week? Or are you going to sit there hoping he'll ask you, and be here this time next month still posting updates about him ignoring you/talking to you/sorting his life out etc.

This sounds like am awful lot of farting around for a non-relationship of two years. Surely if a proper bf/gf relationship was on the cards with you two, it would have happened by now.

Why are you not going out together?

The main reason why we are not together is when we met first I was just out of a 5 year relationship which ended in a pretty bruising sort of way. He was also out of a longterm relationship we were both enjoying our freedom. Im hoping face to face we can sort it out properly.

Big Bag of Chips

JillyQ wrote: »

The main reason why we are not together is when we met first I was just out of a 5 year relationship which ended in a pretty bruising sort of way. He was also out of a longterm relationship

Fair enough, but that was 2 years ago. Why are you not going out together NOW?

we were both enjoying our freedom.

What freedom? You went off with someone else a month ago. After 2 years of not much happening between you. And he's been sulking since. And has you apologising for the "mistake".

Doesn't sound like either of you have that much freedom, or are enjoying yourselves that much!

Im hoping face to face we can sort it out properly.

It will only be sorted out if you actually talk about whether you are going to start a proper relationship or not. Tiptoeing around whatever is/is not going on between you will sort nothing out..