One last try? Advice please

LegacyUser

Hi, just a little bit of background info firstly. I work in a school and brought a colleague out on a date about 6 months ago. It went really well and subsequently we went on two more. However after the third one despite all going well she seemed to have a change of heart and said she didn't want anything to happen right now. I just presumed this was a nice way in saying I'm not interested. I've heard since she was really taken aback by the nice things I did for her and thought quite highly of me whicjph made the change of heart confusing.

At the time in question, she was a bit all over the place with her career, she was thinking of taking a job in Galway and moving or even going abroad to teach. She seems to be more settled now and we're getting on like before. I know she felt awkward at first after it happened but the situation was kept private so I've shown I can be trusted to keep a secret. I've never really mentioned it since as I didn't want to annoy her about it.

I do still really like her and people that know us seem to think something could happen. Anyway it's her 25th birthday in two weeks and I'm thinking of sending flowers to her house and approaching her a couple of days later to see if she'd like to hang out again. It's a bit of a final play, she could love them or she might not want to talk about the subject again.

Would it be too much?
Thanks.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

to be honest the flowers seem to be a bit much if you want it to be an icebreaker into the possibility of dating her again - from your description of your first dates, it sounds like her thoughts were quite up in the air as to what she wanted in her life at the time, and going all out with flowers and such just when things are going well again may push her in the opposite direction to what you want.

It sounds like she's in a better place in her life now than she was when you first met her, so why not just build on the friendship that you now have? See if she wants to grab a drink or a coffee after work, or meet for a chat sometime? That way, if she truly isn't interested, she can say no without it turning into a big deal - but if she is interested, then you can take it from there?

LegacyUser

Yes maybe it would be better to leave it. I've just the idea in my head that the flowers would go down well and might get me at least one more chance to show her I can be the right person for her. Maybe it's a false notion that she would thrilled with them.

I know a friend of mine is trying to get a night out at the races and he's going to invite us two and his own wife. Think he's trying to ease us back into each other's company. I'd probably be best off to wait for that night and bring it back up then. I'm not the type to keep bringing things up with someone, I had convinced myself that she's no interest but recently I've heard stuff that makes me think there maybe hope.

Lou.m

Teacher0123 wrote: »

Yes maybe it would be better to leave it. I've just the idea in my head that the flowers would go down well and might get me at least one more chance to show her I can be the right person for her. Maybe it's a false notion that she would thrilled with them.

I know a friend of mine is trying to get a night out at the races and he's going to invite us two and his own wife. Think he's trying to ease us back into each other's company. I'd probably be best off to wait for that night and bring it back up then. I'm not the type to keep bringing things up with someone, I had convinced myself that she's no interest but recently I've heard stuff that makes me think there maybe hope.

I think you should definitely to make contact. The night out at the races with your mate is a good idea.

Only you know about the flowers though.

LegacyUser

Lou.m wrote: »

I think you should definitely to make contact. The night out at the races with your mate is a good idea.

Only you know about the flowers though.

Thanks for that, maybe I'm just being impatient about the flowers thing. I just didn't want the opportunity of her birthday going by and me doing nothing incase me doing something would be received well. I could be looked at as a hero or a joke that can't taje a hint. Ha, maybe this stuff only works in the movies

Dellnum

I would not make another move if I were you. She knows you like her and she is the one who put a stop to your dates. If she wanted to rekindle this she would suggest something to you. I definitely would not send flowers to her house, that is way ott for someone in your position. It would be different if you were still dating her, but you are not. If she fancies you, sending or not sending flowers would make no difference, but at least you don't have to save face by sending them if she is not interested. I would just cultivate the friendship but I really think that the next move should come from her.

kylith

Be aware, OP, that she may just be wary of getting into a relationship with someone she works with. If ye were to start dating and subsequently split up then it could make work very awkward for both of you.

Meauldsegosha

Teacher0123 wrote: »

I know a friend of mine is trying to get a night out at the races and he's going to invite us two and his own wife. Think he's trying to ease us back into each other's company. I'd probably be best off to wait for that night and bring it back up then. I'm not the type to keep bringing things up with someone, I had convinced myself that she's no interest but recently I've heard stuff that makes me think there maybe hope.

So would it be like a double date just the four of you? She could feel very uncomfortable in that situation, like she was being forced into being your date. Arranged dates like that might work in the movies but rarely do in real life.

Asbury Park

Hi OP, the flowers would definitely be far too much in my opinion and when I read your post what stands out for me is that you've heard from other people that she thought highly of the things you did for her and other people seem to think something could happen. By all means a more modest icebreaker than flowers might help - simply ask if she'd like to meet up for coffee, be a friend for her and if something happens from there so be it.. your colleagues sound like nice people with great intentions OP but what counts is what happens between you and this girl and if she wanted to be with you I think she would have made her feelings known.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the feedback, I tried to reply earlier but it never submitted. I do in my head agree with all that has been said. I think I'm letting the heart rule over the head. The woman in question is a shy type and would be very unlikely to instigate anything. It's like she has to have the decision made for her. I've a little confidence that she would give me a second chance. From bits I heard she has shown the interest to do the meet up with my friend and his wife.

I was going to send the flowers anonymously and gauge a reaction from her. We're due in the school for two days before the kids go back over the next few weeks. It would be a couple of days after the birthday. I've a feeling she might guess they were from me but at the same time if I think she's being weird, I could just deny sending them

However going from the advice here. It sounds best to leave alone on that front. I was thinking what girl doesn't like flowers.

Dellnum

DO NOT SEND THE FLOWERS.

Tilly

Teacher0123 wrote: »

Thanks for all the feedback, I tried to reply earlier but it never submitted. I do in my head agree with all that has been said. I think I'm letting the heart rule over the head. The woman in question is a shy type and would be very unlikely to instigate anything. It's like she has to have the decision made for her. I've a little confidence that she would give me a second chance. From bits I heard she has shown the interest to do the meet up with my friend and his wife.

I was going to send the flowers anonymously and gauge a reaction from her. We're due in the school for two days before the kids go back over the next few weeks. It would be a couple of days after the birthday. I've a feeling she might guess they were from me but at the same time if I think she's being weird, I could just deny sending them

However going from the advice here. It sounds best to leave alone on that front. I was thinking what girl doesn't like flowers.

I don't like flowers. In fact I hate them. Total waste of money. If a guy I went on a few dates with and I finished it gave me flowers I'd be very pissed off.

She pulled away, she made it clear she didn't want to start something with you and now you want to send her a gift. It's too much and I've a feeling she'll totally back away from you.

Respect her decision not to be with you.

kylith

Teacher0123 wrote: »

Thanks for all the feedback, I tried to reply earlier but it never submitted. I do in my head agree with all that has been said. I think I'm letting the heart rule over the head. The woman in question is a shy type and would be very unlikely to instigate anything. It's like she has to have the decision made for her. I've a little confidence that she would give me a second chance. From bits I heard she has shown the interest to do the meet up with my friend and his wife.

She is not some child that needs you to make decisions for her, she said she didn't want anything to happen so you need to accept her decision. She may have expressed interest in meeting with your friend and his wife, but if she doesn't know you'll be there she could feel awkward and set-up. She knows you're interested, let her decide whether she wants to go out with you again.

Lou.m

Teacher0123 wrote: »

Thanks for all the feedback, I tried to reply earlier but it never submitted. I do in my head agree with all that has been said. I think I'm letting the heart rule over the head. The woman in question is a shy type and would be very unlikely to instigate anything. It's like she has to have the decision made for her. I've a little confidence that she would give me a second chance. From bits I heard she has shown the interest to do the meet up with my friend and his wife.

I was going to send the flowers anonymously and gauge a reaction from her. We're due in the school for two days before the kids go back over the next few weeks. It would be a couple of days after the birthday. I've a feeling she might guess they were from me but at the same time if I think she's being weird, I could just deny sending them

However going from the advice here. It sounds best to leave alone on that front. I was thinking what girl doesn't like flowers.

I'm kind of like this.

Go with your gut.

Maybe make the flowers a nice gesture thing.

But if you feel it's too much then go out with you and the mate and ask her for coffee.