please tell me I will be ok. I am scared

apple_trees

I have found out that I am pregnant and I have never been more petrified. I am in a stable relationship with my fiancee but we are unmarried. I know it is so wrong but I am overridden with Catholic guilt (that I think only Irish people understand) that we are unmarried.
I feel so ashamed which is causing me to completely beat myself up and feel sad :-( I know I shouldn't feel this. We had talked about getting pregnant and we decided to let nature take its course. I honestly believed it would take a lot longer than the 3 weeks it did. Before this I really couldn't wait to be pregnant but now the reality is here I am petrified. I hadn't planned on feeling this. Please please help me feel better if you can. I am literally shaking like a leaf.

Windorah

Hi,
You poor thing. Honestly I think everything is just so very new for you and the reality of a new little addition is huge. Your hormones are probably all over the place too.

If you were my friend who had come to me I would give you a big hug and say Congratulations!!

It's your life and you live it how you see fit. You said you were always excited at the prospect of having kids so enjoy this time:) x

Karmella

Ok so maybe it's all happened sooner than you expected but the important points to note are that you said you are in a stable relationship, engaged to be married, and you and your fiancé discussed getting pregnant .... So you're not married yet - it makes no difference at the end of the day!

Your hormones are going to be all over the place and it is big news to process but try not to worry - it will all work out fine. You can have your baby and get married after whenever suits, lots of couples do this!! Nobody is going to judge you, and if they do, feck them.

If it really worries you so much you've always got some time to get married before baby is born.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is not the end of the world, please try not to worry and enjoy the happy times you've got ahead of you

(If it's any consolation I was 10 weeks at my own wedding and we announced to everyone on the day, and everyone was happy for us and it made the day even more special)

morebabies

Hi there, yes as above poster said, expect your hormones to run riot for the next 9 months, and when you feel weepy and tired know that a lot of it will be your runaway emotions. But as you said, you have a stable relationship waiting for this baby and a future as a family.

When I fell pregnant first time, I was married only a few weeks, had house, job, etc, and was terrified. Myself and my husband could not believe how fast it had all happened. And when motherhood finally came along, despite having all this supposed security it was a massive shock to the system- but these feelings are totally normal. And 3 kids later I can tell you that motherhood, once I got over the initial shocks, motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me, it gave me purpose and direction and... I'd bore you if I carried on.

So all I'm saying is no matter what state in life you are, married/unmarried, these overwhelming feelings you have now are normal, but the end result is transforming and wonderful.

As for the Catholic side of things, priests are well used to modern families now - if you want to get the marriage side of things arranged before the baby, good and well, but many marriages happen the other way around and it's no big deal. Sit down and discuss how you want to move forward with your fiance, your family, and if it will help you overcome the guilt aspect, discuss with a priest you know well. Many of them will surprise you as to how welcoming and understanding they will be.

orchidsrpretty

Aww hugs op, you will be fine! I went through 5 years of fertility treatments and when I got a positive test, I was petrified too! I think it's a natural reaction to something so huge that is going to change your life for ever. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing. You had already decided you wanted a family with your partner so after that everything will fall into place.
Telling my very catholic father was so scary I burst into tears(we are not married) but we got through it. And I know when the babies arrive my father will love them just as much. Apart from him, we haven't had any negative responses from people. I'm sure they are thinking things but a good thing about irish people is we mostly prefer to gossip behind peoples backs so we are spare the comments:)

Congratulations. The months are going to fly by!

apple_trees

Thank you so much for all these reassuring posts, I can't tell you how much they make me feel better.
I know my thoughts are irrational at the moment and I am in the situation I want to be in, bar a piece of paper. It really is just the enormity of it all, the "what have we done" and the "what will people say". I know I shouldnt care about the last but I find it is engrained in me having.grown up in a traditional family with no one ever changing the traditional parameters.

But I am taking great reassurance from these posts and can feel my confidence coming back a little bit. Thank you.

comongethappy

Hi OP, what you are feeling is completely normal. Hubby and I have been married 10 yrs and we were actively trying for months, and I was still shaking when I showed him the result of our pregnancy test!

I wouldn't worry about not being married. A piece of paper makes what you two (soon to be three!) share no more special. Congrats and best of luck!

bp

I was married before falling pregnant and at 30 we were both terrified of telling our parents.....it was admitting to them that we had sex!!!

Congrats and don't worry about the catholic side....I assume that you already "live in sin" for lack of a better term so they must know you are having sex

Neyite

Honestly, it does all work out in the end. We didnt get the best reaction from my 'inlaws' they got quite upset initially, moreso when the realised that we planned an unmarried pregnancy. But by the following morning, I was being given pregnancy advice and fussed over and they brought us out to lunch to celebrate.

Now they absolutely dote on our child. We got engaged a year later but to us now, being parents, a wedding is more of a formality for our relationship - something nice we will plan and celebrate when it suits us. When pregnant I did feel odd about me and baby having different surnames, but now it barely gets noticed by me, a name does not change my bond with our son. You both planned and wanted this baby. I can honestly say that while marriage from a legal standpoint might become more important to you once the baby is born, a wedding really pales into significance in terms of a commitment when you hold that little one.

And that freak out thing? I think we've all had that 'Oh Sh!t! What have we done?' Moment when you see the pregnancy test turn positive. I had it and thats after 2 years of trying, and the previous six months attending a fertility clinic. You still get that jolt, but thats just because you know there is no turning back now, but it passes.

apple_trees

Neyite wrote: »

Honestly, it does all work out in the end. We didnt get the best reaction from my 'inlaws' they got quite upset initially, moreso when the realised that wjne planned an unmarried pregnancy. But by the following morning, I was being given pregnancy advice and fussed over and they brought us out to lunch to celebrate.

Now they absolutely dote on our child. We got engaged a year later but to us now, being parents, a wedding is more of a formality for our relationship - something nice we will plan and celebrate when it suits us. When pregnant I did feel odd about me and baby having different surnames, but now it barely gets noticed by me, a name does not change my bond with our son. You both planned and wanted this baby. I can honestly say that while marriage from a legal standpoint might become more important to you once the baby is born, a wedding really pales into significance in terms of a commitment when you hold that little one.

And that freak out thing? I think we've all had that 'Oh Sh!t! What have we done?' Moment when you see the pregnancy test turn positive. I had it and thats after 2 years of trying, and the previous six months attending a fertility clinic. You still get that jolt, but thats just because you know there is no turning back now, but it passes.

Thank yoi Neyite, this post struck a chord with me.

I know deep down it's a modern world and its ok. I just hate disappointing people like my parents who have their traditional views. I suppose my initial happy plans to have a baby meant I didn't fully think out how I would deal with it. But now it is a reality, I am just wishing it was the perfect news in the perfect setting.


I hate feeling like this and I feel it is sucking all the joy out of my news. I have been having panic attacks since I found out at the weekend (which I have never had) and have hardly slept or ate. My partner is worried about me. I am worried about me :-(

I'm so sorry to gate crash this lovely forum with what I know is an irrational fear. I really hope as the utter shock wears off then I can start to experience the euphoria that I had hoped for....am a tiny bit stronger today so I hope it's a start :-)

Please, if anyone can offer ant other reassurance that I can be strong enough to do this, I would love to hear it.
Many, many thanks for your help everyone

morebabies

apple_trees wrote: »

Thank yoi Neyite, this post struck a chord with me.

I know deep down it's a modern world and its ok. I just hate disappointing people like my parents who have their traditional views. I suppose my initial happy plans to have a baby meant I didn't fully think out how I would deal with it. But now it is a reality, I am just wishing it was the perfect news in the perfect setting.


I hate feeling like this and I feel it is sucking all the joy out of my news. I have been having panic attacks since I found out at the weekend (which I have never had) and have hardly slept or ate. My partner is worried about me. I am worried about me :-(

I'm so sorry to gate crash this lovely forum with what I know is an irrational fear. I really hope as the utter shock wears off then I can start to experience the euphoria that I had hoped for....am a tiny bit stronger today so I hope it's a start :-)

Please, if anyone can offer ant other reassurance that I can be strong enough to do this, I would love to hear it.
Many, many thanks for your help everyone

You're definitely not gatecrashing the forum- it's open to anyone to discuss pregnancy issues, good, bad and ugly. Plus if you read some of the posts (mine included) you'll see that fears and anxieties go with the territory- pregnancy whether planned or unplanned is a huge emotional and physical upheaval. I'm currently 2 weeks away from my due date for my 4th child and I am so scared to be honest with you. Excited too, but a total bag of nerves, and I had anxiety attacks in my first 3 months too. Not fun I know.

Maybe you should start planning breaking the news to your parents and get that hurdle out of the way first, if they are the ones you're most worried about telling. Several traditional Catholic families I know have grandchildren born "out of wedlock" and once the grandparents-to-be realised there were babies on the way, they were totally overjoyed and fell madly in love with the babies before they were even born, getting excited about buying new baby clothes and equipment, going to the ultrasound scans, etc. The days of young unmarried mothers being turned out of their homes by their parents are long gone and if you explain to your parents that your future with your fiance is secure and he has no intention of leaving you, they will get over the initial shock of the news and then you can get on with preparing your home and life for the beautiful new arrival.

apple_trees

morebabies wrote: »

You're definitely not gatecrashing the forum- it's open to anyone to discuss pregnancy issues, good, bad and ugly. Plus if you read some of the posts (mine included) you'll see that fears and anxieties go with the territory- pregnancy whether planned or unplanned is a huge emotional and physical upheaval. I'm currently 2 weeks away from my due date for my 4th child and I am so scared to be honest with you. Excited too, but a total bag of nerves, and I had anxiety attacks in my first 3 months too. Not fun I know.

Maybe you should start planning breaking the news to your parents and get that hurdle out of the way first, if they are the ones you're most worried about telling. Several traditional Catholic families I know have grandchildren born "out of wedlock" and once the grandparents-to-be realised there were babies on the way, they were totally overjoyed and fell madly in love with the babies before they were even born, getting excited about buying new baby clothes and equipment, going to the ultrasound scans, etc. The days of young unmarried mothers being turned out of their homes by their parents are long gone and if you explain to your parents that your future with your fiance is secure and he has no intention of leaving you, they will get over the initial shock of the news and then you can get on with preparing your home and life for the beautiful new arrival.

Thank you - I have told my parents and while I know they are disappointed they are veru very supportive of me.


I am.really struggling with the feelings that I have, I am completely beating myself up over not thinking this through. I had thought I would feel fine not being married and not care what people think, when the truth is it is causing me a huge amount of stress. I just want it all to go away to be honest.

The little baby I really wanted a few months ago is now the source of all this angst. I hate myself for feeling like it but I just want it to stop. :-(

I am devastated in myself and so afraid of sinking into depression which I can't see any joy in. I haven't smiled in days. So so terrible.

My partner is up the walls with concern for me.

I'm 31 why do I feel like such a little lost girl

pwurple

People really don't bat an eyelid. Honestly.

Especially as you are engaged already.

Pregnancy can be very scary, and there are loads of hormones racing around as well as some physical changes.

You sound like you have a lovely supportive fiance, and are close to your parents too. You're very lucky indeed.

If it actually is bothering you a lot to be married before the birth, why not just go ahead and get the wedding over with? It's one month notice in the north or 3 here.

apple_trees

pwurple wrote: »

People really don't bat an eyelid. Honestly.

Especially as you are engaged already.

Pregnancy can be very scary, and there are loads of hormones racing around as well as some physical changes.

You sound like you have a lovely supportive fiance, and are close to your parents too. You're very lucky indeed.

If it actually is bothering you a lot to be married before the birth, why not just go ahead and get the wedding over with? It's one month notice in the north or 3 here.

Thanks pwurple. I know I am very lucky to have support.

Maybe I am my own worst enemy - it is my own feelings of regret,shame and guilt that are killing me. I thought I could deal with this but I can't.

I work in a Catholic school and I am utterly petrified about my career. I have worked so hard and I know it will be a really awful thing in their eyes.

I am feeling completely overwhelmed. Yes we are going to have a little commitment ceremony between ourselves. I can't face a full blown wedding - I wouldnt feel happy. I want to do it when I feel right and not in a panic which is what I feel now.

Has anyone please got any suggestions on dealing with feelings of shame and regret? I know it sounds daft but they are so strong it's terrible. I don't know how to process these emotions.
Anyone any experiences? I'm terrified I'll feel like this for 9 months even tho people say I won't.

ameee

If you are really that bothered about a piece of paper why not get married in the meantime? Have a quick cheap small ceremony for now then if you want do a big reception and blessing afterwards. But tbh it is probably just the shock and hormones. My second two were both planned and I had as much fear, panic and doubts as a did with my first who was a suprise to say the least. Having a baby is a huge thing and takes a while to get your head and emotions around.

pwurple

I would be very surprised if the school bats an eyelid either. 40% of births in Ireland are to unmarried women. It's not going to be shocker of the century in there either.

And bonus of all bonuses, you are in an awesome child-friendly career! Summers, easters and christmas off every year! I am ridiculously jealous. You have everything lined up for this, all the ducks are in a row. Congratulations!

You can have your big style wedding party anytime in the future, but go get married with your family if it helps you feel better. I know three or four couples who did that, it was lovely. They combined the christening and wedding party together. Was a great celebration.

Cameoette

OP I'm about your age, unmarried and surprise pregnancy but a very supportive partner/family. Not one person has batted an eyelid that we are not married and when I think of my little one being at my wedding in a few years time it makes me so happy, even though we might be doing things in the 'reverse order' when compared to some others.

If the feelings of shame and regret are your biggest problem I would definitely suggest seeing a counsellor now that you could talk all this through with and who can give you tools to deal with this anxiety. Yes pregnancy is overwhelming even when all things go exactly to plan, and anxiety can be your own worst enemy when it gets hold of you, I know from my own experience. Take care. x

apple_trees

Cameoette wrote: »

OP I'm about your age, unmarried and surprise pregnancy but a very supportive partner/family. Not one person has batted an eyelid that we are not married and when I think of my little one being at my wedding in a few years time it makes me so happy, even though we might be doing things in the 'reverse order' when compared to some others.

If the feelings of shame and regret are your biggest problem I would definitely suggest seeing a counsellor now that you could talk all this through with and who can give you tools to deal with this anxiety. Yes pregnancy is overwhelming even when all things go exactly to plan, and anxiety can be your own worst enemy when it gets hold of you, I know from my own experience. Take care. x

Thank you for taking the time to reply. This post made me feel better. I have definitely improved a little bit today. Maybe the shock is wearing off, thank goodness. I have felt distraught all week but it lifted slightly today. Like you say, anxiety seemed to get a hold of me. Terrifying.

When I woke up feeling terrible today again I took your advice and contacted a CURA counsellor. I phoned them and the lady I was speaking to was an absolute angel. I felt so much better after 40 minutes on the phone with her. I really would recommend this to anyone else reading this who is going througj anything similar.

Fingers crossed I can continue to make little bits of progress as the shock wears off x