play it by ear - whats that mean confused

caddylamb

i have been seeing a man friend as a friend with benefits for the past 4 years we get together may be once or twice a year. but we text now and then as well.

he text me and asked me to spend weekend with him (which is unusual as we only usualy meet for a few hours)

we get on very well we chat and laugh and enjoy each others company. He did say he wanted to get back with his ex because he wanted to see his child every day. His ex is much younger then him and they didn't have a very good relationship very volatile and lots of shouting etc. we talk about this and i did say his daughter is getting the best of him and the best of her now they are apart he also keeps saying his ex is to young for him. me and him are the same age.

when we spent the weekend together we had a great time and he took me out which he had never done before. a day after i went home he text to ask me to come over one day that week which i did again we got on great as always.

he then said he had his daughter for the next 2 weeks which i know he has. when he was driving me home i said casually so when we seeing each other again he said lets play it by ear and see how it goes

so now i am confused i really really like him is this a brush off or what i ust don't know

PLEASE HELP me understand thank you

Corkgirl210

sounds to me like he is the one controlling everything in the relationship.. his terms, his conditions, his say so.. looking at it objectively.. it seems his intentions are elsewhere but at least he was honest enough to admit it to you. he is emotionally unavailable and he chooses when it is right for him to meet you.. so you have to accept that.. as playing by ear seems to be when he next wants to meet up.. simple as.. its his stuff not yours.. you seem to want more though - sounds like you got to know him more and got more emotionally involved.. this is where the danger lies with friends with benefits.. I have done it before but we were both emotionally unavailable and conditions were right for both of us.. when I was more emotionally stable, I got out cas I didn't want to give any other hope other than what it was.. before that when he asked could we meet up.. I would be like yes play by ear.. cas that's what it was... casual..

wish you all the best..

caddylamb

i think you are right if i am honest to myself.
on of my friends who knows him and his ex said she thinks he is getting to like me in the relationship way but his life style and family are in the way and she thinks i am growing on him lol

another friend who doesn't know him said she thinks it sounds like a brush off

i told this to my friend who knows him but she said no i think it is just everything else getting in the way and that he maybe wanting to have something more with me.

it is all so confusing we are in our late 40's so not kids lol i am not a needy person so i don't text him constantly and have made the decision not to text him but wait for him to text me.

i know friends with benefits is so hard because of emotions the damn things get in the way lol

Obliq

OP, when did he say he might want to get back with his ex? Was it recently, ie. on your weekend away? If so, that's really problematic and he would seem to be in the business of weighing up the odds on that while stringing you along in case the getting back with ex doesn't work out.

If not, and he's been testing the waters of a relationship with you (without still considering the ex as an option) you are now in the position of not knowing whether it's just on a friends with benefits basis or whether you could have some expectations of seeing him more regularly, with a view to perhaps being regularly in his life and at the same time as his daughter.

When your relationship (FWB is a relationship, albeit casual) was once or twice a year, there was clearly no room for becoming attached to his companionship and intimacy. Now, even though you don't know what he feels, you must start protecting yourself and your emotions but at the same time, allowing them. I don't think you'd be going too far to ask him if he realises this and to understand that there will be emotions involved if you see him more regularly - also make it clear that you actually want that, but need him to be upfront with you if you are to take the risk on getting hurt (if he decides he only wanted FWB after all). If you think he's worth the risk, tell him that too, and find out if he's going to respect the risk you're taking.

It's not particularly fair at all if you are to hang on waiting for his answer, so I suggest you tell him there's a time frame on you investing more emotions/time on him as you can't be hanging on indefinitely.

Well, that's what I'd do anyway. It's a tricky one though OP, and I know the feeling - am in my 40's also, with a man in his 50's who took some getting I can tell you. Cautious doesn't begin to describe his route to the LTR we're now in!! Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Crazy idea...!! But the next time you see him, why not have a chat about what's going on.

Do you want something more from him now, or do you want to continue with the no strings thing?

If he has a daughter he is not going to be available to you every weekend anyway, as there will be weekends that he spends with her. If things are so casual with you, he's not going to want to bring you along and turn it into a family day out. He might be busy with stuff for the next while and not be sure when he's available. He might be developing feelings for you himself, and is pulling back because he's not sure how you feel... He might.. He might...! Nobody knows.

Just ask him. Tell him how you are feeling/starting to feel, and see what happens. Worst thing that can possibly come of it is a small bit of embarrassment if he says he's not interested in a relationship. Or, you may start a proper relationship.

Obliq

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Just ask him. Tell him how you are feeling/starting to feel, and see what happens. Worst thing that can possibly come of it is a small bit of embarrassment if he says he's not interested in a relationship. Or, you may start a proper relationship.

Yes, this. Now is the time to be upfront with him yourself, while it's still only going to be embarrassing if he's not interested in a relationship rather than a bit more heart breaking.

....and btw, there's a BIG difference between a woman in her 40's who can speak rationally and honestly about the emotional risks she's prepared to take, and someone less experienced who might still believe in the "guarantee" of "happily ever after".

Dellnum

caddylamb wrote: »

i have been seeing a man friend as a friend with benefits for the past 4 years we get together may be once or twice a year. but we text now and then as well.

he text me and asked me to spend weekend with him (which is unusual as we only usualy meet for a few hours)

we get on very well we chat and laugh and enjoy each others company. He did say he wanted to get back with his ex because he wanted to see his child every day. His ex is much younger then him and they didn't have a very good relationship very volatile and lots of shouting etc. we talk about this and i did say his daughter is getting the best of him and the best of her now they are apart he also keeps saying his ex is to young for him. me and him are the same age.

when we spent the weekend together we had a great time and he took me out which he had never done before. a day after i went home he text to ask me to come over one day that week which i did again we got on great as always.

he then said he had his daughter for the next 2 weeks which i know he has. when he was driving me home i said casually so when we seeing each other again he said lets play it by ear and see how it goes

so now i am confused i really really like him is this a brush off or what i ust don't know

PLEASE HELP me understand thank you

To me it just looks like this man was lonely and wanted company for the weekend. If he has known you for 4 years and has not fallen in love with you then I don't think it is going to happen now. Playing it by ear just means that if he feels lonely again he will contact you but he doesn't know when that might be. Personally, I don't think you should continue with this man if you have feelings for him as that was never part of the arrangement when you started out. You could tell him now that you do not want to see him again as you feel you are getting emotionally involved and as this was not part of the deal you feel you have to call it a day and just see what he says. If he wants more he will tell you and if he doesn't he will just let you go.

Tasden

Honestly op i think you're going to end up hurt so should walk away before you develop stronger feelings.

amdublin

Do you really want someone who "you are growing on"?

What I mean is don't you deserve more than that?

Personally I think it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it.

My advice:
Walk away now - with dignity.
Ask him where you're going. It'll either be a relationship (yay! ) or nowhere - and you can walk away then.
But at least you'll know.

caddylamb

next time i see him i think i will bite the bullet and ask how he feels as this is confusing me i won't be seeing him for 2 weeks as he has his daughter (who is only 5) so i will see if he contacts me in this time in the mean time i will go out and meet people to get a prospectus on things

caddylamb

there is another man who wants to be with me but he is no good for me he drinks a lot and get verbally nasty i walked away from him even tho i had strong feelings for him i am not a naive person so i think i can take the other mans reply i he says we have no future as a relationship

caddylamb

thank you for all your help it is good to get others help and hear what you all have to say

amdublin

caddylamb wrote: »

there is another man who wants to be with me but he is no good for me he drinks a lot and get verbally nasty i walked away from him even tho i had strong feelings for him i am not a naive person so i think i can take the other mans reply i he says we have no future as a relationship

Good woman! Good for you