She's married - I'm separated

LegacyUser

So, we're both in our early 40s.

I love her madly, and she says she loves me too!

Happy days!

No...

When I started seeing her 2 months ago she told me her marriage was 'dead'.

Then the husband started objecting to her seeing me - decided that he loves her now (from what she told me they'd not been intimate - in any way - for a number years)

Arranging time to meet can be a big problem - the husband won't 'let her' stay over at my place.

Oddly, we recently went away for a weekend together - husband objected but consented (if that makes sense)

I told her the other day - this has to stop - either make it clear to him that it's over or if it's not we have to finish.

She has 2 small kids with him and needs him for financial support so I would never ask her to move out nor do I want any role in her kids' lives - I just want her to stop sleeping in same bed as him, put her foot down and stay in my place a couple nights a week.

Haven't heard from her in 2/3 days now so I guess I have my answer?

I thought this silliness would stop in my forties - seems it's just getting worse!

marizpan

That sounds like a hell of a lot of drama!

Rationally, I would say walk away although your heart may not want to. Why choose drama?

LegacyUser

I guess I'm in love with her. But I suppose common sense tells me to run, run, run!

alibab

This seems very complicated and I suppose the reality is this women is not separated but very much married . The line about you saying she had young kids you want nothing to do with stood out. You want her to give up everything for you yet you are making it clear that there can be no long term relationship between the two of you . If there was to be a relationship kids come as part of the package.

I would advise both of you not to persue this any further as nothing good can come from it . Plenty of single women with no children or grown up children out there might be more suited

Meauldsegosha

older not wiser wrote: »

So, we're both in our early 40s.

I love her madly, and she says she loves me too!

Happy days!

No...

When I started seeing her 2 months ago she told me her marriage was 'dead'.

Then the husband started objecting to her seeing me - decided that he loves her now (from what she told me they'd not been intimate - in any way - for a number years)

Arranging time to meet can be a big problem - the husband won't 'let her' stay over at my place.

Oddly, we recently went away for a weekend together - husband objected but consented (if that makes sense)

I told her the other day - this has to stop - either make it clear to him that it's over or if it's not we have to finish.

She has 2 small kids with him and needs him for financial support so I would never ask her to move out nor do I want any role in her kids' lives - I just want her to stop sleeping in same bed as him, put her foot down and stay in my place a couple nights a week.

Haven't heard from her in 2/3 days now so I guess I have my answer?

I thought this silliness would stop in my forties - seems it's just getting worse!

So it is purely a sexual relationship you want with her. Is she aware of this?

Obliq

Jaysus, I feel awful sorry for the husband in this story.

Says he loves her.
She only wants him for his finances and childcare.
In the position of living with a wife who is using him that badly.

And you're contributing to the whole sorry mess OP - not a word about whether you think this behaviour is ethical towards your fellow man or not, just that you don't want anything to do with her kids. Well done you

Right now, I couldn't give a monkeys for your/her feelings about this, but I sincerely hope the husband boots her out.

RhubarbCrumble

older not wiser wrote: »

I told her the other day - this has to stop - either make it clear to him that it's over or if it's not we have to finish.

She has 2 small kids with him and needs him for financial support so I would never ask her to move out nor do I want any role in her kids' lives - I just want her to stop sleeping in same bed as him, put her foot down and stay in my place a couple nights a week.

Are you actually serious? You don't 'love her'. You just want her for convenient sex when it suits you.

This lady is already in one bad relationship and sadly seems to have fallen into a second one with you. For her sake you need to leave her alone. You say you're in your early forties. Try growing up!

LemonWorld

She has two young children with the man. While I would never suggest that anyone remain in an unhappy marriage for "the sake of the children", the woman in question needs to stop and sort out the issues with her existing relationship before she goes entering into another one you, OP.

If their marriage really is over, then she needs to bring that relationship to it's end. From there she can find her feet and work out an arrangement that's best for the kids and parents involved. Then she'll be in the right place to start a new, healthy and fulfilling relationship.

I don't buy the whole financial support thing. If she really wanted to go, she would. Otherwise it sounds like she's just trying to have her cake and eat it. Holding on to the old relationship for the financial security and easier life, while stringing you along to get the attention and affection that's lacking from her marriage.

IlmoNT4

She has two young kids that you want nothing to do with...

That should be enough for you to not involve yourself with her. If you do want a relationship with her then her children are part of the package and thats never going to change.

Stavro Mueller

Looks like you want to have your cake and eat it. Getting involved with anyone who's still living at home with their husband or wife is just asking for trouble. I just wonder how "dead" her marriage is anyway but that's beside the point. You're trying to dictate what happens under this woman's own roof yet you don't sound like you want anything more than a casual arrangement.

You can't pick and choose the bits you want here. It's not a single woman with no kids you're dealing with here. If you don't want things to become more serious or to be a stepdad down the line (to kids who'll probably hate you for splitting up their parents), it is for the best that this arrangement seems to have ended. Next time you get involved with a married woman, make sure she has moved out and sorted things first.

LegacyUser

When I say I want nothing to do with her kids what I mean is I don't want to take their father's place; I don't want to intrude on his relationship with them. I am very mindful of the limits of my responsibilities, duties and rights in this regard.

When I say I wouldn't ask her to move out what I mean is I don't expect this in the short term - obviously I would love her to be with me.

As for the father; well, sure I feel bad for the guy; and that's why I've told her to decide whether she is actually still in a relationship with him; she told me that her marriage was dead but as the weeks have passed I have begun to suspect that things are not that simple...

As for the ethics of this: well, sure, it's wrong to sleep with another man's wife but she had told me that her marriage was dead.

Now I want to get others' opinions as to how whether I am doing the right thing in forcing her to make a decision - him or me?

I don't expect sympathy here. I don't expect you to like me. However, I have a problem (I doubt that it is an unusual situation really) and thought some other perspectives might add to a solution.

catonthewire

Haven't heard from her in a few days...
Ever cross your mind that the hubby found out she was having and affair?????

LegacyUser

catonthewire wrote: »

Haven't heard from her in a few days...
Ever cross your mind that the hubby found out she was having and affair?????

He knows.

He has known since the beginning.

At first it seemed, yeah, she's right, her marriage is dead (although that didn't really make sense, but I MET him and he seemed ok with me being there!)

As the weeks have passed it's begun to seem like a different thing altogether.

I actually heard from her today - 'I love you' etc etc etc.....

Look, I don't know if anyone on here can tell me anything that I can't already see for myself but I really need to hear what it looks like from outside the thing.

catonthewire

Honestly, for your own sake, give these two a wide berth.....
I simply can't comprehend how he met you, and appears to be happy, is it an open marriage????
If so perhaps he isn't able to deal with his wife having sex with you and he is entitled to be honest...
He unlike yourself is supporting her and his children....

Walk away, let them sort their marriage out, if she comes back without him okay, if not at 40 you can deal with this...

Obliq

older not wiser wrote: »

When I say I want nothing to do with her kids what I mean is I don't want to take their father's place; I don't want to intrude on his relationship with them. I am very mindful of the limits of my responsibilities, duties and rights in this regard.

When I say I wouldn't ask her to move out what I mean is I don't expect this in the short term - obviously I would love her to be with me.

As for the father; well, sure I feel bad for the guy; and that's why I've told her to decide whether she is actually still in a relationship with him; she told me that her marriage was dead but as the weeks have passed I have begun to suspect that things are not that simple...

As for the ethics of this: well, sure, it's wrong to sleep with another man's wife but she had told me that her marriage was dead.

Now I want to get others' opinions as to how whether I am doing the right thing in forcing her to make a decision - him or me?

I don't expect sympathy here. I don't expect you to like me. However, I have a problem (I doubt that it is an unusual situation really) and thought some other perspectives might add to a solution.

Sorry for my assumptions so. As to your question - Yes, absolutely doing the right thing. Walk away if she doesn't decide, for sure.

Dellnum

You can't ask her to walk away from her children and if she stays with them she needs her husband's financial support. So if you put it to her "it is either him or me", how do you expect this to pan out. Would you like her to go and live with you without her children? I don't think this is going to happen. Do you want to date her but have her go back to her own house every night so she can look after her children ? Oh, you want her to stay over several nights a week and then go back to her own house to look after her children. This is nonsense, she can't do any of this. If you love her like you say you do then you have to accept her and her children. It doesn't mean that her children cannot see their father but I don't think you can separate the mother from the children. I also don't think you can have her over at yours a few times a week without her children. I don't think there is any point in putting a gun to her head over this because you can't offer her accommodation for herself and her children.

LegacyUser

Dellnum wrote: »

You can't ask her to walk away from her children and if she stays with them she needs her husband's financial support. So if you put it to her "it is either him or me", how do you expect this to pan out. Would you like her to go and live with you without her children? I don't think this is going to happen. Do you want to date her but have her go back to her own house every night so she can look after her children ? Oh, you want her to stay over several nights a week and then go back to her own house to look after her children. This is nonsense, she can't do any of this. If you love her like you say you do then you have to accept her and her children. It doesn't mean that her children cannot see their father but I don't think you can separate the mother from the children. I also don't think you can have her over at yours a few times a week without her children. I don't think there is any point in putting a gun to her head over this because you can't offer her accommodation for herself and her children.

Thanks for this:

The impossibility of each scenario you describe is obvious and is its own argument in support of the decision to walk away.

I have no problem with having her over with her children to my place - if she had ten kids I'd invite them all - but what about yer man?

Do I invite him, too?

Crazy, crazy, crazy...how did I get into this?

The only possible scenario is if she visits me a few times a week (with or without kids) and he accepts a situation where he sits at home either as babysitter or as housekeeper for his ex wife and some other bloke (me).

Surely if, as she says, she doesn't love him and their marriage is over, then he has to accept this - I don't expect him to like it but what choice does he have?

Oh but if I was him I wouldn't accept it. If I was him I'd be up at my door with a blowtorch and a wheelbrace. (Or maybe I wouldn't - if it's over it's over...all that's left is to act in as dignified a way as possible.)

In the face of these ludicrous scenarios my head says: walk, no, sprint like the clappers 180 degrees away.

You can guess what other parts of my anatomy are 'thinking'.

I wonder has anyone on here actually been in a situation resembling this?

Dellnum

Okay, so you are willing to have he and her kids over to stay at your place, so that's progress. If you want her permanently then in my opinion you have to offer her accommodation in your house for herself and her kids to start a new life with you. You cannot expect her to move in with you without her kids. If you can offer her this then you would be entitled to ask her to chose.

meeeeh

The problem is they have to find an arrangement that will work for them regardless of anybody else. Do you really think it's good for kids living with mum and dad in the same house and then every so often also with their parent's bit on the side. If she wants relationship with you the decent thing would be to get a place of her own and then take things slowly. Judging by their actions those two should never have kids, they are too preoccupied with themselves. Don't make yourself a handy accomodation provider when they finally decide that they can't live together because you could end up getting a family way before you are ready.