Brother's girlfriend is pregnent I need big brother advice tips

mooneyd

Hi all,

I'm 27 and the eldest of two brothers.
Today my 23 year old brother (his girlfriend is 19) told me that she is 3 weeks pregnent. I understand that its his life and just nodded and said "congratulations are in order I suppose" it was a little awkward as his girlfriend was there and I have only really met her 4-5 times so were not all that close.

He has never had a full time/part time job, no drivers licence and is putting himself under insane pressure to get this all sorted well before the baby is due.
He has only met her partents twice and wants to get a job before they tell her parents. I have suggested they tell our dad(they arent that cose) and her parents ASAP as I cannot give advice on a situation I have never been in.

I can tell that hes just a young lad trying to do the right thing but doesnt have a clue who to talk or what to do his head is clearly melted. He wants to do right by her and says he loves her to bits and they are now looking to move in together.

I dont think he thought about the idea of an abortion and I have told him that if its something they want to do I would cover the costs. I dont want to seem pushey on this matter but im devistated for him to be honest and I want to offer him a way out.


So my question to you all.
What questions should I ask him, advice and options to suggest. I want to be there for him hes a great lad.

Thanks in advance

mrsbyrne

If you want to do the best for your brother and his partner, you could drive them to the nearest CURA office. They really are fantastic for couples in this situation. They will give your brother and this girl support advice and info . Everything can be sorted out. You just be there for him. This is not the end of the world at all.

Big Bag of Chips

If he or she hasn't mentioned abortion, then you don't. And you certainly don't "give him a way out". That is the kind of "advice" that might stop him talking to you, as he might feel you are talking at him, rather than to him. I know you see him as your "baby" brother, but the fact is he is an adult. And you have to allow him to be an adult. They have obviously decided abortion is not an option as they are planning ahead for when the baby comes, so you go with that.

By the way, they can't know she is 3 weeks pregnant. Pregnancy is counted from the first day of the last period. As there is usually 4 weeks between periods, when a woman misses her period and finds out she is pregnant she is usually at least 4, but possibly 5 or 6 weeks pregnant. So maybe your first bit of brotherly advice should be to get themselves to her GP to confirm the pregnancy and how many weeks she is.

The next bit of advice you can give him is to find a job. Moving in together is a romantic idea, but unless they can support themselves it is going to be a miserable struggle for them which could put a lot of strain on their relationship ever before the baby arrives.

They are a young couple dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. It is not the end of the world. You are obviously the first person they told, so they trust you. Offer support, help etc but do not try to take over. They will make their decisions. You support those decisions.

There are some links in the charter, stickied at the top of the forum, which they might find helpful.

mooneyd

Thanks for the comments you two.

As far as I know she has taken pregnancy tests and they have come back positive.
But ill suggest a visit ti the GP and a trip to cura.

Rubberchikken

you sound like a good brother, so getting them to chat with the gp is the first step.
it is overwhelming but as time goes on, things will settle and with support and advice they'll be fine.

be there for them, because while it's the way it is now, they'll need even more support when the baby arrives:)

Big Bag of Chips

She's probably 5 weeks pregnant, though. They are probably counting the weeks from the time they had sex and the baby was conceived, but they are not counting the 2 weeks before, which doctors do.

Point them in the direction of positiveoptions.ie. But these are probably things they have looked up themselves. A quick google of "unplanned pregnancy" would point them in the right direction. Again, don't assume you are telling them things they don't know, and don't treat them like kids. When I was your brother's age, my mother would have thought I was clueless, and she panicked when I told her I was getting a mortgage and buying a house with my bf of 3 months, that she'd only found out about! 14 years later we're still proving the doubters wrong.

They might be clueless when it comes to the pregnancy and 'what next'. But older people who have planned pregnancies can be equally as clueless! Respect that they are adults who will deal with this.

Probably better than you think.

Rossin

My brother reacted really positively to it, talked about all the good things that will come from it, saying how exciting it was that they'd have a niece/nephew, how much fun Christmas would be now. I'm not sure if it's an angle you should go with straight away, but maybe in a few weeks after they've been to the GP etc. It really helped me and it is true after all!

mooneyd

Okay. .. one thing they mentioned has me wondering. So apparently bis girlfriend has been using the morning after pill on a Monday after their weekends together. Now I don't know much but im pretty sure its pretty bad for a woman. But could that cause a false positive? As I thought those contraceptives fooled the body into thinking it was pregnant already?

Tasden

mooneyd wrote: »

Okay. .. one thing they mentioned has me wondering. So apparently bis girlfriend has been using the morning after pill on a Monday after their weekends together. Now I don't know much but im pretty sure its pretty bad for a woman. But could that cause a false positive? As I thought those contraceptives fooled the body into thinking it was pregnant already?

What like every weekend they have sex she just gets the MAP on the monday morning?

Big Bag of Chips

Now you are getting into medical advice, which isn't allowed.

Get them to a GP. And strongly advise them to sort out better and more permanent contraception for the future.

shanieboy01

I have heard u should never phone cura. Positive options will give more than 1 option. Cura I believe is religious. Not an expert here

mooneyd

Rossin wrote: »

My brother reacted really positively to it, talked about all the good things that will come from it, saying how exciting it was that they'd have a niece/nephew, how much fun Christmas would be now. I'm not sure if it's an angle you should go with straight away, but maybe in a few weeks after they've been to the GP etc. It really helped me and it is true after all!

Yea we come from a family where our parents split up when we were quite young and our parents hated each other. He said something to me last night and I just couldn't not side with him. He said he just wanted to make sure that 2 parents were going to be there for his baby as a family. And that for the first time ever he knew what he wanted to do in life and that's be a good father. He's already asked me to be the god father.

maria34

Well congratulations uncle!!!

As far as i know theres no false positive pregnancy test. But going to gp would approve her pregnancy for sure.

Sometimes after morning pill doesnt work. Depends how long they waited. If it happened friday then monday wasnt good enough i guess.

Morag

mooneyd wrote: »

Yea we come from a family where our parents split up when we were quite young and our parents hated each other. He said something to me last night and I just couldn't not side with him. He said he just wanted to make sure that 2 parents were going to be there for his baby as a family. And that for the first time ever he knew what he wanted to do in life and that's be a good father. He's already asked me to be the god father.

It sounds like becoming a Dad is bringing you brother a lot of focus.

Crises pregnancy counselling will go through all the supports when a couple find themselves pregnant. They have support and information which will be helpful.

Cura is very religious, they only offer help along those lines and they can be judgemental.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/about-parenting/

23 is often seen as very young to become a parent but it's not.

Merkin

Not being funny but you give your town, surname and initial away in your user information. To protect your brother and his girlfriend's privacy and anonymity you really should look at editing your profile information. They may not want all in sundry to know she is pregnant just yet.

cazzer22

Merkin wrote: »

Not being funny but you give your town, surname and initial away in your user information. To protect your brother and his girlfriend's privacy and anonymity you really should look at editing your profile information. They may not want all in sundry to know she is pregnant just yet.

True. It's an issue you're probably better off going anonymous for.

eviltwin

OP just be there for them, mention positive options if you haven't already, it's very early days so they are probably just coming to terms with it themselves, give them space to absorb it and then let them take it from there. The best thing you can give a young parent is your unbiased, non judgemental support.

livinsane

One of my biggest regrets is crying when my younger sister told me she was pregnant aged 20. Seven years later, she's married to the father and they have two beautiful children who I adore. I have apologised for my selfish reaction many times! Just be supportive and don't judge. Give advice only when it's asked for.

LegacyUser

Pregnancy is pretty overwhelming for anyone, tbh. I'm pregnant, its planned and we've been married for years.....its still the most headwrecking thing thats ever happened to us both.

What helped us was positivity from family. I have a brother who snickered when we told him and said "Ye are f***ed so! No more fun times!" Not helpful. And quite alarming really. You don't want to be told that your fun times are over! There's a tiny voice in the back of your mind that's thought that already!

So please focus on the positives - on all the fun your brother is going to have. We've been really grateful for the family members who talk about how brilliant Christmases are going to be etc. etc.

Another thing that really really helped my husband was a book my friend recommended called "Pregnancy for Men". It had brilliant reviews on Amazon so i ordered it thinking what the hell, and I'm not joking its become my husbands BIBLE. And has made him incredibly sensitive and understanding of what I'm going through both physically and emotionally.

helimachoptor

Hopefully you handle it better than I did !

Op, my bro was with a girl about 7 months when she got pregnant.
He had been going out with a previous girl and she had cheated on him while in Turkey and got pregnant (With a local) and he was saying how it was a lucky escape etc.

So when he said his new girlfriend was pregnant both 22 and in final year of college I was pretty shocked.
I'm 6 years older and the father figure so we had some tough conversations, he was working in a super market, her parents hated him ( didn't think he was good enough for their princess), i also told him id pay for an abortion, his gf is a mid wife so that's not a road she was willing to do down.

However it has turned out ok, both are now working and my bro had a fantastic job with a leading company in Ireland, their daughter is ray of light and I and they couldn't imagine the last 3.5 years without her. It has been tough at times especially with her parents but luckily my wife and I have been able to support them when needed.

Just be there for him, he will have to learn and make his own mistakes

NipNip

It sounds like a lad who is trying to live up to his responsibilities. I would support him in job-hunting and house-hunting. Can't do him any harm to get a job!

The_Conductor

mooneyd wrote: »

But could that cause a false positive?

The way the pregnancy test works- you can get false negatives, but false positives are highly unusual. The definitive test- is if a GP does a blood test- and is what normally happens.....