How to be more outgoing?

LegacyUser

I have always been a shy person but I have overcome it in work and am fine with small groups of people.

My problem is when I have to mix with a largish group of people, I just freeze and can't think of anything to say or how to mix with them. I just end up sitting in a corner and hoping that I find someone to talk to. I really just don't know what people talk about when they are mingling and chatting.

What makes it worse is that my partner is an outgoing person and he loves nothing better than to "work the room" on his own if we are out at any sort of gathering. He's always asking me to make more of an effort and doesn't understand how excruciating this can be for me. These nights out just drag on for ever and I feel so bad by the end of the night.

Can anybody give me any tips or advice on how to overcome this? Thanks...

Neyite

There is an old book but it was a runaway bestseller at the time and is still doing well in sales to this day. I read it years ago and found a lot of good communication tools in it, maybe you would too?

Its How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnagie

Basically the book explains that most people, given the chance, are only too happy to talk about things that interest them, and the key to being seen as a great conversationalist is to ask them about their interests and listen to them.

For example, if you asked someone what they do work-wise, and indicate an interest and ask a leading question or two, they can yabber on for ages about the industry, how the recession has affected it or not, and the more interesting anecdotes or aspects to the job. Or asking them about their weekend - if they mention a specific hobby, you can ask them about that, how they got into it, where in the world it takes them, discuss the skill levels etc.

Ultimately, you shouldnt have to be someone you are not, or work a room if it makes you feel deeply uncomfortable, but the book might give you a few tips that you can comfortably use and still be yourself.

iusedtoknow

Would you consider yourself an introvert? You have to work to that if you do. You can never change who you are (ie make yourself extroverted) but merely work within it. Neyite has some great tips about how to talk to people, however I think that is only part of the solution. If you are naturally introverted, there is only so much socializing that you will actually want to do.

I have to socialize a lot for my job, especially around this time of year where there is a lot of conferences etc. I get exhausted and can't wait for 10pm when I can go to my hotel room or back home and regroup and be by myself. Here in the US there is a high expectation for you always to be "on" and outgoing, especially in my work culture. However...my own manager is an introvert, spotted it in me and recommended this book

My problem is....my wife is extremely extroverted - she's been known to go into my work functions, and end up talking to pretty much everyone in the room, and getting to know them better than me.

metaoblivia

Neyite is on the money - the best way to make small talk is to ask people about themselves and listen to their answers, then ask more questions. If all goes well, they will probably start throwing you a few questions too, so it won't feel one-sided (although some people REALLY love talking about themselves. They're easy to deal with - just let them talk!). Not only do most people love talking about themselves, they'll usually also come away thinking that they just had a great conversation and that you're a great listener.

I'm an introvert as well, but my best friend describes me as an outgoing introvert, because I'm not afraid to go to parties, meet new people and start a conversation. It's just not how I want to spend every night, and after a big social event, I need some alone time beforehand to build up and some alone time afterwards to recharge. Truthfully, I prefer small gatherings of close friends to large parties with a lot of strangers, but because I ask a lot of questions and listen to people, I can handle the latter pretty well.

It will feel strange at first and you should prepare to have a few awkward moments. But like anything new, it takes some practice and any 'mistakes' or awkward moments you have early on you'll learn from, and other people will likely quickly forget or not even notice.

I think your partner could be a little more supportive. I don't mean to sound pious, but I wouldn't ever leave my wife sitting alone while I 'worked' a room.

Rubberchikken

Everyone's different.
If we were all able to 'work the room' who would listen to us;)

Start small. Ask someone a question about themselves. People love talking about themselves and good listeners are rare.

Tell your other half to lighten up. Not everyone needs to be so obviously 'outgoing'.