Don't want to be friends anymore- unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I guess I'm just looking for a bit of advice.

I've been friends with a girl since the beginning of college (4 years in total). We are all finished college now. She was a good friend throughout college (had a few arguements). She kissed a guy I had been with previously and had really liked (we were texting, meeting up etc) and she knew I used to really like him. She lied about it when I first confronted her but later admitted it. I found out later, she brought him back to a shared house (where I also lived) on numerous occasions when I happened to be staying elsewhere and kept it from me. This took a lot for me to forgive her but I did.

Anyway, since last September, I just can't stand her anymore, it's little things she does, she's very immature and seems to be stuck in teenage stage (even though she's a year older than me). She's also completely self-obsessed, doesn't really care when you're speaking about your life, never expressed interest in my current boyfriend (didn't ever initiate conversation or acknowledge his existence when he came over), is incredibly mean at times too. I just feel like I don't want to be friends with her anymore (I haven't contacted her all Summer). I haven't been rude about it, I reply when she texts me but keep it short but I think I am just done with her. Is this completely unreasonable?

I feel like we've gone our separate ways and I don't care about putting the effort in anymore. Should I feel bad about this?
Thank you.

thefeatheredcat

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about not wanting to stay friends with someone because you feel like you've drifted apart, gone your separate ways and that you don't like the person they are, or have become, or that you perceive them differently or feel you have moved on from them.

It's natural to move on, have different ideas, values, meet new people, and develop into the person you are going to be. It's even natural too imo to be a bit more honest with yourself about how you feel about that friend and realise the sort of person that they are, which maybe you might have previously excused or not noticed before. If you don't like people who are self centered, inconsiderate and mean, then you are probably doing yourself a favour in acknowledging what you feel to yourself and go on your separate way from this friend.

cloudatlas

I will never understand the whole attitude where if a friend goes out with your ex that it is somehow 'cheating', it's awkward yes but a betrayal and something to be forgiven for I don't think so. This is the crux of the matter here as it is the thing that you have spent the majority of your post documenting. Honestly I think you should leave it and move on your jealousy has already ruined the friendship.

metaoblivia

No, you're not being unreasonable. I think for a lot of people, as we get older our circle of friends becomes smaller and that's usually not a bad thing. For most, it just means that they hang on to the people they really click with and let the others go. There's no point in keeping someone in your life if they bring more negative than positive, and you shouldn't feel bad about letting them go as a friend. Just wish them the best and move on.

Rubberchikken

Mo, not unreadonable.
People change as they grow, everyone at a different rate.
You were friends, now you're mot. Just let it go gently and it'll just die out.

If you don't like her anymore and don't want to be friends with her, that's not at all unreasonable, no. You shouldn't have to be friends with someone you don't want to, and friendships often can't last forever.

However, the thing with the guy you both liked should have nothing to do with it. She didn't do anything that bad, and using it now to make yourself feel self-righteous about cutting her from your life is unreasonable. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, just that if you are looking for a way to blame her for the breakdown of your relationship with her, stop. Friendships end, but there's no one person at fault here, it's just that you two aren't compatible as friends anymore.

cazzer22

cloudatlas wrote: »

I will never understand the whole attitude where if a friend goes out with your ex that it is somehow 'cheating', it's awkward yes but a betrayal and something to be forgiven for I don't think so. This is the crux of the matter here as it is the thing that you have spent the majority of your post documenting. Honestly I think you should leave it and move on your jealousy has already ruined the friendship.

The betrayal of a friend doing that isn't the actual thing itself, it's the fact that your 'friend' knows that you like/have liked the person previously and would still willingly go there. And I don't think the OP's jealousy has ruined the relationship either, that's a bit harsh. Clearly, there are other issues that have contributed to that.

cloudatlas

cazzer22 wrote: »

The betrayal of a friend doing that isn't the actual thing itself, it's the fact that your 'friend' knows that you like/have liked the person previously and would still willingly go there. And I don't think the OP's jealousy has ruined the relationship either, that's a bit harsh. Clearly, there are other issues that have contributed to that.

I understand that it's awkward but I don't believe it is a betrayal as it is not cheating. The way the op acted put her friends actions in line with that of a grosse betrayal.
I rationally believe that just because someone has gone out with another person in the past does not mean that they can stake an exclusive claim on that person even after the relationship has long fizzled out. I think it's irrational. The OP spent most of her post speaking about this so it is the main issue. Perhaps her friend is a little self obsessed that's probably grounds for scaling the relationship back a bit but I don't think anything really bad has been done here. Quite frankly if something awful had been done the o.p wouldn't be here asking us this question so that she can feel fully justified in telling her friend to get lost.

cazzer22

cloudatlas wrote: »

I understand that it's awkward but I don't believe it is a betrayal as it is not cheating. The way the op acted put her friends actions in line with that of a grosse betrayal.
I rationally believe that just because someone has gone out with another person in the past does not mean that they can stake an exclusive claim on that person even after the relationship has long fizzled out. I think it's irrational. The OP spent most of her post speaking about this so it is the main issue. Perhaps her friend is a little self obsessed that's probably grounds for scaling the relationship back a bit but I don't think anything really bad has been done here. Quite frankly if something awful had been done the o.p wouldn't be here asking us this question so that she can feel fully justified in telling her friend to get lost.

I agree it's not a gross betrayal but the OP said that the girl initially lied about it, if the girl thought she had done nothing wrong, I doubt she would've lied about it.
If you started to like someone your friend had gone out with before, the logical thing would be to approach it with the person and say ''I like this person and I'm going to see where it goes'' rather than being a little shady about the situation which is what the OP has outlined (bringing the person back to the shared house behind her back etc).
The way you said the op's jealously was the main reason behind the friendship ending was a little harsh, I have to say.

cloudatlas

cazzer22 wrote: »

I agree it's not a gross betrayal but the OP said that the girl initially lied about it, if the girl thought she had done nothing wrong, I doubt she would've lied about it.
If you started to like someone your friend had gone out with before, the logical thing would be to approach it with the person and say ''I like this person and I'm going to see where it goes'' rather than being a little shady about the situation which is what the OP has outlined (bringing the person back to the shared house behind her back etc).
The way you said the op's jealously was the main reason behind the friendship ending was a little harsh, I have to say.

I don't think she thought she was doing something wrong I think she was afraid of her friend overreacting to it. I think she didn't tell her because she knows the o.p too well and knew that she would be mad about it and she was ultimately proved right, this thread is evidence of that. Can you imagine falling for a guy and then going to your friend/ his ex girlfriend to ask permission, do consenting adults actually do that? The statement about bringing him back to the shared house behind her back has been echoed numerous times before on this forum in the context of people who are hurt by someone cheating on them. That statement alone made me presume that the o.p was jealous as she clearly isn't over him.

Est28

Op, I don't think there's anything to feel bad about.

I had a similar situation lately. Circumstances were different but someone I spent a lot of time with just became too much to handle and I had to cut things off.
I didn't say anything or be mean about it, I just started phasing things out with him.

Of course, he sent a little guilt trip my way when it appeared I wasn't around but it's kinda to be expected. If they were such a great friend in the first place, they'd never have been like this in the first place and wouldn't be reminding you of the "good times".

Cut her loose and don't feel bad. People grow at different rates.

As for the "exes" thing. In fairness, there's just some un-written rules where some things are just bad form. So there's no arguing it. There's nothing stopping someone doing it but if they cared about their friend they wouldn't do it.

MagicMarker

cloudatlas wrote: »

Can you imagine falling for a guy and then going to your friend/ his ex girlfriend to ask permission, do consenting adults actually do that?

I would certainly hope that a good friend who falls for your ex (a friend who you are also living with) would at least be open and honest about it like a good friend should rather than being all secretive. That shows a distinct lack of respect and I couldn't consider anyone who does that to be a decent person at all.

OP, you're not being unreasonable. The friendship has run it's course, time to move on. I honestly wouldn't worry about it too much.

Grandpa Hassan

Est28 wrote: »

As for the "exes" thing. In fairness, there's just some un-written rules where some things are just bad form. So there's no arguing it. There's nothing stopping someone doing it but if they cared about their friend they wouldn't do it.

I'm not aware of any unwritten rule. Asking your friends permission to go out with their ex is nonsense. Maybe when you were 10. Not as grown ups!

PinkLemonade

Grandpa Hassan wrote: »

I'm not aware of any unwritten rule. Asking your friends permission to go out with their ex is nonsense. Maybe when you were 10. Not as grown ups!

Maybe not ask permission, but sneaking around with a friends ex is not on in my books.

OP I find the part about her not introducing herself to your new boyfriend strange, surely you should have done that? Maybe she didn't want to look to eager to get to know him because of the other guy.

Either way you two seem through, I'd let it naturally drift, no need to confront her though, burning bridges is very final.

cloudatlas

MagicMarker wrote: »

I would certainly hope that a good friend who falls for your ex (a friend who you are also living with) would at least be open and honest about it like a good friend should rather than being all secretive. That shows a distinct lack of respect and I couldn't consider anyone who does that to be a decent person at all.

OP, you're not being unreasonable. The friendship has run it's course, time to move on. I honestly wouldn't worry about it too much.

Just read over the O.P.'s post and at no point did she say that this guy was her ex boyfriend just some guy she really liked and was texting, seeing a bit. Besides that she said she 'forgave' her friend but she obviously hasn't if she's bringing it up at all.

To the charge of being a bit self obsessed I think everyone is guilty of that on occasion. As for not wanting to talk to her about her boyfriend, she probably has a residual memory of the way the O.P overreacted to her seeing her ...('ex'???) and doesn't want to discuss relationships as it's a sore subject.

None of the reasons the o.p. gave are particularly heinous or solid reasons to lose a friend but it sounds like the o.p. is determined and will find any petty reason to justify ending the relationship, she's just looking for people to back her up.

cazzer22

Cloud atlas. You really are offering absolutely no constructive advice to anyone here so why don't you just post elsewhere? You seem to be wanting to pick at people's posts and are coming across very harsh. The OP is looking for advice, you clearly aren't willing to offer it so leave it!

Tokyo

cloudatlas - you're entitled to your opinion, as is everyone else here. When a thread degenerates into nitpicking the minutae of other posters responses, it doesn't help the OP. Part of what makes PI successful is a broad spectrum of opinions and personal experiences.

cazzer22 - if you have an issue with a poster, report the post. Don't call them out on it in-thread, as per the forum charter.

Regards,
Mike