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abusive ex-partner

  • 31-07-2014 2:33pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    As the title says, my ex partner is abusive towards me. As we're separated, it's mostly emotional abuse and it's really getting me down. We have a child together and give him all the oportunities he wants to see her, yet he doesn't show up to most of these. He then turns things around and says it's my fault his child doesn't know who he is. I'm trying to do my best for my child by letting her have contact with her father, but his emotional manipulating and insulting is really starting to bug me. I've mentioned it to him before, but he denies it and plays the victim. We have a court order in place that i'm firmly sticking to, but he is always saying we should forget about it. I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. He rings me constantly, I can't block his number because we have a child together, and all i can think of is if it was a girl ringing a guy constantly, she would be seen as a psycho.


Comments

  • #2
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    What an unpleasant person.

    If he doesnt show? Not your problem. Just continue to make your child available on the correct days. Get a new phone and keep the old number just for contact. Only switch it on the days contact is to take place, stick to your court-ordered agreeement and keep a diary detailing any day he tries to change or does not show up.

    He is using the fact you have to keep in contact as a way to further abuse you. Its not about seeing his child, its about keeping you on your toes and controlling you.Its up to him to build a relationship with his child. If his priority is abusing you over seeing his child, that's his loss.


  • #3
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Hi op, I'm in pretty much the same position, not much advice i can give you other than be the bigger person and the person your little one can always rely on. No bad mouthing him, no rising to his pettiness, no getting in heated arguments, just keep your head up.

    You're in a better position in that you have a court order already in place so maybe speak to a solicitor (FLAC) and ask what options are available in that regard.

    Sorry i cant help more, just look after yourself and your little girl.


  • #4
    maria34
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    Hi OP,

    Been there done that all. We didnt have court order, id say he didnt want to pay a penny towards his child, so no court in my case. But...
    I figured out that i have to ignore him. Didnt answer his messages and calls when it wasnt his day to visit (he wanted to see his child once a week) when he got too creepy and stalked us, i told him i talked with the guard and they know his bs. He got so afraid (well he knew i saved all his messages) that i havent seen him since few years. Looks like he wasnt interested in child, just harassed me and bullied. Havent seen a penny from him no presents or cards for my little one.

    You even have it easier. Pick the phone only on visitation days, if he doesnt turn up then he doesnt. Id say its all about controlling and manipulating.


  • #5
    Obliq
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,371 ✭✭✭Obliq


    maria34 wrote: »
    Hi OP,
    (well he knew i saved all his messages)

    This is good advice. I had to do this too, and inform him in a rational and reasonable way that the way we were communicating was unhelpful (to our parenting) so I was taking a full record of all texts between us, and typing them out so I could see where the communication started to go astray. I played it like that because I knew I was in the habit of rising to his accusations so I made it sound more about me changing that than inviting another row with him about his behaviour.

    After that, I stopped answering the phone to him unless our son was with him, or unless he had said he was going to phone our son, in which case I got him to answer the phone to his dad. There were no more crappy texts after I told him there was a record of them.

    If he turns "stalker" in a more threatening way, like maria above go straight to the gardaí. Good luck hon

    Ps. I'd also suggest you tell him (again) that the visitation dates still stand, but you'll be expecting a text on the evening before to let you know if he's turning up, so that if you don't get the text you can arrange something else for that day. Tell him that if he has a problem with this he can take it back to the court, where you'll present them with all the dates he let down your child.


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