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Being a carer has ruined my life.

  • 30-07-2014 5:33pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Five years ago I was at university when my grandmother was widowed. Living in the countryside and unable to drive, she sold her house and moved into my mother's home. My mother suggested that I become her full-time carer (as my mother works full-time and the rest of the family live hundreds of miles away.) So I quit university in my final year and became a full-time carer. It was the worst decision I've ever made.

    I didn't know my grandmother that well beforehand as I hadn't spent much time with her. I knew she had no friends and never socialised. Now I know why. She is an evil, selfish, horrible old woman. She doesn't care how much effort and trouble she causes for anyone as long as she gets her own way, and she won't help with anything. There's way too much to go into but here are a few examples:

    She expects me to go to the supermarket for her every two days. Each time she wants a big shop. I don't drive so I have to get the bus and carry the shopping home half a mile from the bus stop. Despite having a fortune from the sale of her house, while I am struggling on income support, she expects me to pay for the bus out of my own money. Often she wants so much shopping that I have to get a taxi back and she doesn't give me the money back for that either. If I refuse to go, she wails that she has nothing in and is starving. I check her fridge and it is full of food. On top of this she wants her newspaper first thing in the morning, not after the shopping's been done, so that's an extra journey to the local shop each day for me. Sometimes after I've returned from the supermarket she remembers extra things she wants, sometimes she's sent me out shopping four times in one day and tried to make me go a fifth time but I've refused. She is such a guilt-tripper and even screams when she doesn't get her own way. If I refuse to do multiple shops she just doesn't stop until I go. The first bit of advice I need is - how can I get her to accept a once-weekly shop like a normal person? When my grandfather was alive she only had a once-weekly shop. She has become a spoilt brat now that she has a carer. Bear in mind that I have lots of other work - her washing, cleaning, taking her to appointments, organising stuff, etc so it really is too much.

    Another problem is that she is sh%t-stirrer. She makes up lies about people in the family and tells the lies to other people to cause arguments. For example when my aunt was visiting I could hear her and my grandmother talking and she was telling my aunt that my mother and sister had said that she intrudes into their house, tried to steal my mum's car and that my mum locked a door to keep my aunt out because she hates her and that my sister had said terrible things about her. My grandmother had made all of this up but my aunt believed it and it causes family rows and problems. That's just one example, she does stuff like that all the time and then says, "This is such a horrible family, I don't know why you're always fighting, when I was a child my family was nothing like this."

    She refuses to make an effort to have a life of her own. My whole family tried to get her a hobby. We found an OAP lunch club where the elderly can meet each other and make friends. After much persuasion she allowed me to take her. I dropped her off and when I went to collect her all of the other OAPs had made friends and were chatting. My grandmother was sitting far away from them, her nose literally stuck in the air, refusing to talk to them. By the way they were looking at her it was obvious they'd made an effort to befriend her and had been rebuffed. Because she refuses to have a life of her own she is too needy and demanding with the family and sulks like a spoilt brat until she gets her own way in everything.

    She is so selfish with her money. I've already described how she expects me to pay her shopping journey expenses. But she won't share anything with anyone. She won't even contribute to the upkeep of the house she's now living in. When the roof started leaking my mother didn't have the money to get it fixed. My grandmother refused to help so my mum had to get a loan to pay for it. She is always saying to the family "Because you are all so horrible and do nothing for me, when I die I am leaving all of my money to a cat's home." No matter what we do for her all we ever hear is "You are all so horrible to me."

    There's too much more to go into, but basically I've lost my chance at a degree and gotten so into debt being her carer. I've being hounded by my debtors for repayments. I've had to kiss goodbye to fun as it's impossible to have a social life when you are someone's slave. I've become depressed and started comfort-eating and put on loads of weight. I tried to get help from the doctor but they said the waiting list for help with depression is nearly a year long. I feel trapped - I want to quit but I'm in so much debt now I can't see a way out of it. The bank refuse to help, telling me that being a carer is no better than being unemployed since I'm on income support. I really, genuinely hate my grandmother. She makes demands and complains about everything all day and drains my small amount of money. I just don't know what to do.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I forgot to say - and although there are many worse things she does I want to mention this as an example of how petty and unhelpful she is - that my grandmother always refuses to do me any favours no matter how much I do for her. For example today someone came round to fix something in the house. He is scared of dogs and we have two small dogs. My grandmother has her own granny flat (originally mine but I was booted out to make way for her) so I explained what was happening and asked her if she would keep the dogs in her flat for just one minute while the workman walked through the house. She refused saying, "Ugh yuck I don't want those disgusting things near me." Another time I was held up somewhere helping my mum out with some chores and phoned and asked my grandmother to record my favourite TV programme which she could easily have done but she just refused, although I begged. When I had to go out doing her shopping when I was expecting a delivery I asked her if she would sign for it and she said no. She always refuses every request I make and really seems to enjoy doing so, yet expects me to be at her beck and call permanently.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 385 ✭✭Dutchess


    Sorry to read about your situation! To be honest I understand you feel stuck at it but...quit! Just leave home and regain some self respect! She can obviously afford to hire a carer.
    I know it puts the people around you in a tough spot but you're wasting your best years essentially hoping for someone to die and that is no way to live.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    So you quit college in your final year to become your Granny's carer. I presume that you also weren't happy with the course/didn't see a future in it? It just seems to be an odd decision to ditch a future career, particularly given your Grandmother is not ill (that I can tell) and doesn't seem to need full time care, and you're not particularly close.

    Realistically it doesn't really matter if your Granny is an ungrateful old bag or not. You are not going to change her. Old people don't switch horses mid stream. She's not going to suddenly becoming all appreciative and generous. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her, as the saying goes. If you intend to stay in the role you need clearer terms of employment. From what you say you are doing far more than you intended. Either you decide to stay, or you get out. If you stay you should start with contacting a carer's support group. If you get out then you need to decide what you want to do with your future i.e. if you're going to go back to college etc and what kind of new job you need to get you into a place where you've enough money to get there.

    If you are going to stick with it, you will have to start treating it like any other job - i.e. walking out the door when your hours are done and putting any attempts at guilt trips etc behind you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    For the record my grandmother has numerous illnesses that entitle her to a carer paid for by the government - ie me getting carers allowance and income support. She also sometimes falls and can't get up again, and has broken her hip several times this way and needs help with a lot of things. However she takes advantage of this by being lazy and refusing to do anything for herself. My course wasn't brilliant I admit - it was philosophy so not very useful.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,663 ✭✭✭MouseTail


    It doesn't really sound as if your grandmother needs a full time carer, a few hours home help would suffice.
    its time for you to bow out OP and take charge of your own life.
    I too am perplexed at why you sacrificed ao much for this. Time to rectify it.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    OP, why on earth did you quit college? Your mother also has a lot to answer for - I can't believe she told her child to quit college in final year to become a carer, that is just madness. Why do you put up with this? Just quit. You are completely wasting your life away by being a carer when you are so young and it's making your life miserable. You've already given up five years of your life, that's enough. You've done your bit. It's fine for everyone else in your family to criticise you when you do quit, but they are not the ones that have to put up with that crap day in day out and not earning anything for it, while they are all in their paid employment. If your grandmother sold the house, then she has the money to pay for a professional carer.

    Regarding college, you can hopefully just go back and do the final year, contact the college and see what your options are. But for goodness sake,stop putting the rest of your life on hold. It'll be a lot harder in ten / fifteen years to pick yourself back up if you stay where you are.

    In the meantime, be assertive. Tell her you will do the shopping once a week and that is it. She'll get the newspapers when she gets them. If she screams, just walk away. It sounds like she's just gotten like a spoiled brat.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,192 ✭✭✭yellowlabrador


    I would suggest to resign as a carer and take a break. Is there any friend you could stay with for a few weeks. You don't have to work like this. Take a break and reappraise your life. Your mother and the rest of the family can step in.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    For the record my grandmother has numerous illnesses that entitle her to a carer paid for by the government - ie me getting carers allowance and income support. She also sometimes falls and can't get up again, and has broken her hip several times this way and needs help with a lot of things. However she takes advantage of this by being lazy and refusing to do anything for herself. My course wasn't brilliant I admit - it was philosophy so not very useful.

    My primary degree is in philosophy. I did a post grad after and have had a great career in IT since. A degree is a degree and you can make something out of it. You've given up 5 years of your life already. Let someone else mind your grandmother and get on with your own life. The longer this goes on the longer you'll end up being a carer forever because you simply won't have any other skills. It's time to think about your own future.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I can't help but think someone pulled a fast one when it came to you becoming your grandmother's carer. It's mind-boggling that a parent would allow, let alone encourage, their child to quit university as you did. It suited your mother down to the ground I reckon. In one fell swoop she got rid of having to pay college fees for you and solved the issue of what to do with her own mother.

    At this stage you're going to have to stand up for yourself and say enough is enough. I think getting yourself back into education should be your number one priority. I'm sure if you pleaded your case with the college (use the being a carer to your advantage) you could get back to finish that degree. So what if it's "only" a philosophy degree. It's still a stepping stone into other careers. Or seeing as you're over 23 at this stage, you could go back to college as a mature student and do something else. Funding your way through it will be an issue but it's possible. I'm just not the best person to advise you specifically on that.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    So if your mother had told you to jump off a cliff would you have asked how high? Seriously why did you quit a university degree in order to look after somebody you barely knew? It's done you more harm than good and turned you into a bitter depressed person. You will just become more and more unhappy if you keep on doing this.

    Why do you continue to tolerate her bullying? Why can't you return to college and complete your degree, if the course was philosophy or in the area of humanities you might have a better chance of completing it than somebody who say drops out of medicine or nursing in their final year. Okay while you may not have used your degree much because of the subject, it's still a degree which allows you a springboard to access other post graduate programmes. How long has it been since you left college?

    Also why are you paying for everything, and getting into debt? Has somebody in your family been made power of attorney over her finances or does she have control over her finances? I mean she can't expect you's to do everything for her for free. If she is not paying you properly then go look for other work and let her hire a carer through one of the agencies.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭thegreatgonzo


    cymbaline wrote: »
    I can't help but think someone pulled a fast one when it came to you becoming your grandmother's carer. It's mind-boggling that a parent would allow, let alone encourage, their child to quit university as you did.

    I can't believe any mother would do this, it's disgraceful.
    I also studied philosophy OP, as part of my Arts degree years ago and I never regretted it. I think you'd be mad not to look into completing it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Just to add - did you ever give much thought to what you'd do when you finished your degree? Here's one of many sites which explain where a philosophy degree can take you https://philosophy.as.uky.edu/where-can-philosophy-take-me If you can manage to get back to finish your degree, you'd then be able to do a postgraduate in something more practical and take it from there. While there are plenty of degrees out there which qualify you specifically for certain jobs, there's still room for people with broader qualifications. Don't be running down the philosophy degree you were doing. Was that why your mother got that brainwave and got you to leave?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My parents were never happy about me studying philosophy. They thought it was a stupid, wasters degree and asked me, "did you only take this course because you couldn't get accepted onto any other course?"

    The problem is my debt - I'm in so much I'll never be able to get another loan, or even survive, I don't know what to do.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,059 ✭✭✭Icsics


    You're still young, you can get yourself out of this situation. Look at your options, look at courses be they PLC or CAO, would you qualify for grants? Careersportal.ie advertises jobs regularly, for example emirates are recruiting for cabin crew. Start looking around, you always have options, good luck!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    My parents were never happy about me studying philosophy. They thought it was a stupid, wasters degree and asked me, "did you only take this course because you couldn't get accepted onto any other course?"

    The problem is my debt - I'm in so much I'll never be able to get another loan, or even survive, I don't know what to do.

    How much money do you owe? Realistically in the short term the only solution I can see for you is to get some sort of job and start chipping away at your debt. Who do you owe the money to? If it's a bank or credit union, you could try approaching them and working out a longer term repayment plan.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    Are you registered as unemployed OP? Perhaps you could get the BTEA, and continue your education that way. Are there any other benefits you might be entitled to as your Nan's carer?? Perhaps you might be better off posting a Q in the State Benefits forum - people there might be able to help you better...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    On the debt issue, have you spoken to your parents about it? Or at least broached the topic of how you have to dig into your own pocket for granny dearest. Do they know her antics have left you out of pocket or are they turning a convenient blind eye?

    Edit: I'm coming at this from the angle of putting them on the spot and maybe wrangling some money out of them. Though I'd not be too hopeful. I'm still shocked at how horribly you've been treated by your own parents. Have they always been like this?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 539 ✭✭✭chinacup


    Ring citizens information too, explain your situation and see what options they can point you in the direction of.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    cymbaline wrote: »
    On the debt issue, have you spoken to your parents about it? Or at least broached the topic of how you have to dig into your own pocket for granny dearest. Do they know her antics have left you out of pocket or are they turning a convenient blind eye?

    I have a feeling the parents know EXACTLY what's going on! They are turning a blind eye as the problem Nan is being taken care of. They got what they wanted - cheap carer, no college fees to pay and everyone keeping their money right where it is...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well you are never going to pay off your debts if you keep going the way you are going. You are allowing people to take advantage of you. Did you ever talk to the college about returning and see if there is an option to complete your course? A degree is a level 8 qualification and as I and other posters have said you can use it to access post graduate programmes.

    Look there are a lot of people out there who have done and are doing Arts degrees, I wouldn't consider them a waste. Going to university is not just about getting a qualification, there are social aspects to going to college as well, for some people it involves moving out of home, learning to budget and live independently from their parents.

    You need to look for a new job and get out of the toxic environment you are in at the moment, jeez I think working for an agency as a carer would earn you more than what you are at now.
    If your granny had all this money from the house sale, why didn't she hire a carer through an agency to look after her? What did your parents want you do instead of Arts?

    Don't ignore your debts, this will catch up with you down the line if you are looking for a loan or a mortgage, maybe make an appointment with Mabs to see what can be done to sort out your financial situation.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    I totally agree with the above post. Tabs101 speaks a lot of good sense. University can give you a lot of life experiences. It'll also give you the means to network with people - Who knows - you could even end up with a super-duper job and career out of it! If you step on it, you might even be able to get a place in time for the new school year.

    But you need to take the first step. Tell your Nan you won't be doing the carer duties any more. Find another punchbag.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,945 ✭✭✭Grandpa Hassan


    I'd love to write a long post like others here...but I genuinely can't think of anything other to say than QUIT!!! Tomorrow! Look after yourself. You have done enough for your family, and your gran has plenty of cash to sort herself out a carer.

    Tbh, if you can't see that this is what you should do, then I am not sure that any of the more eloquent posters here will have any influence on you


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,359 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Regardless of what you decide to do (stay or leave), I do think you need to stand up to both your parents and to your grandmother and tell them how you want to be treated by them, or by anyone else. Remember, you can use the word "No". It's true that none of your family will probably change their behaviour in general, but it's also down to what you accept from them. If you think that enough is enough, be calm, be firm, but be very clear with them - they wouldn't treat anyone like that (they wouldn't like to be treated like that either, I bet!), why should you accept that from them?? Stand up to them, and set out your boundaries and rules. This is what I am prepared to do, and this is isn't. Don't be unreasonable, but be firm. They are basically bullying you, and you have to learn to defend yourself since nobody else is doing it for you. Believe me, this will really help you "in the real world" too.
    As for your gran not chipping in at all, well, she should be completely ashamed of herself - free accommodation and care, and a personal slave? Nice one, can I sign up too? She should be told (by your parents, or by whomever decided/accepted she should move in with you) in no uncertain terms that she is expected to contribute to the running of the house, since she's an adult and she lives there too. Either that, or don't fix her leaky roof/ broken plumbing, etc.
    Ultimately, remember you're her carer, not her personal slave.
    End of rant.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    Where are you based? If you are in a city there will be access to free or very low cost counselling.

    I suggest you call and make an appointment, This should help you build the confidence to just walk away from this situation and see all your options. At the moment you are so mired in the negatitvity of this that you possibly cannot see the way out. But there is one.

    You have a life, live it.

    Google the Poem The Journey and read it.

    Talk to friends and try and find somewhere to stay even just for a weekend to get away and clear the head.

    And start practising saying no.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,397 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    My parents were never happy about me studying philosophy. They thought it was a stupid, wasters degree and asked me, "did you only take this course because you couldn't get accepted onto any other course?"

    The problem is my debt - I'm in so much I'll never be able to get another loan, or even survive, I don't know what to do.

    OP, you have to quit the carer job, that's the first step. Don't quit it yet, until you have something else lined up. Start looking for work outside the home. If you can get another job, take it and quit looking after your grandmother.

    Work at that job for a year or two if necessary to help you pay off your debts and maybe save a little money.

    If you can get all this in place, then look to go back to college. It would be expensive to start a new degree over. Go back to your former college and look to finish your final year. With a degree under your belt, you can then apply to do a postgrad with perhaps a more concrete career path which would then allow you to look for alternate employment.

    Meanwhile, you need to assert yourself. Your grandmother is behaving like a spoilt brat because she can get away with it. Set a day that you will get the shopping, tell her to make a list of what she wants and you will get it that day. Tell her to include the cost of the bus/taxi fare as that will be the firs thing coming out of the shopping money. If she starts to scream and shout at you, walk away and let her throw her tantrum just like a two year old. She'll have to learn that she can't abuse you like that.

    You must be only in your mid 20s at most. Don't throw your life away looking after an ungrateful grandmother. She could still be alive for another 10 years. What do you do then when you're 35, have no qualifications and you haven't had a job outside the home since you were 20??? Start making plans to move on.

    Also if your debtors are financial institutions, make an appointment with MABS. They will be able to help you and you may get some breathing space with the repayment of your debts.

    I am not about to give any advice on your feelings of depression as we are not allowed to give medical advice. However, make a point of getting out for one hour every evening away from the house, go for a walk, bring headphones, meet a friend and go for a walk, something that is away from the house that gives you a break.

    If you do manage to get a new job and move out, you might find that being away from that horrible environment does wonders for your mental health although I realise you will still have debts to pay off. But you won't have your granny abusing you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,532 ✭✭✭Lou.m


    OP you really have three options. You can finish your degree, you can take another job or you can stay where you are.

    Philosophy is my primary degree too like others on here have stated. It gives a good basis in abstract maths, in logic and if you get a good solid grade in those courses in your degree it would stand to you. How were you doing in your degree before you quit?

    From philosophy you can go into law, PR, journalism, publishing, IT that site linked by another poster is very good. One thing to go for for would be a solid grade in your logic course.

    I find it baffling though that your parents would encourage you to quite ANY course only a year away from graduation.
    employers are looking for in potential employees, the “ability to effectively communicate orally and in writing” and “critical thinking and analytical reasoning skills” are the most important. These are precisely the sorts of skills that the standardized exams for admittance to graduate, business, and law school are designed to test for, and the data demonstrate that philosophy majors do extraordinarily well on them.

    If you had finished you could have decided to do law or something else. I really think you need to consider whether you can take this. What happens when your Grandmother is no longer around what do you want to do then?

    What is it you want for you?
    You are allowing people to take advantage of you. Did you ever talk to the college about returning and see if there is an option to complete your course? A degree is a level 8 qualification and as I and other posters have said you can use it to access post graduate programmes.

    I think it was INCREDIBLY bad parenting for you parents to encourage you to quite your course only a year out. Whatever the subject it still looks bad to quite on paper.

    In ten years time you will be more emotionally run down from all this and still no qualifications.

    I know what it is like to have family over rely on you. You have to be selfish sometimes.

    Best of luck OP


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Op I know she is your elderly granny, but what she is doing to you is nothing short of mental abuse. She is torturing you and wearing you down, it's obvious you've had enough so you need to get out. You're only young, you need to start living your life to the full instead of caring for someone so manipulative and mean who uses the remainder of their life to torture their own family and tries to cause rifts.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I reckon your parents are hoping they'll fall in for granny's money when she pops her clogs. You're the collateral damage while they try to appease granny and hope she doesn't leave everything to a cat's home or to some cousin she sees once every five years. Just be aware that there are people out there who were very good to elderly relatives, only to be left nothing when the will was read out. Pandering to your gran guarantees absolutely nothing at the end. She knows it too and is exploiting their greed. I bet even if she does leave your mother her money you'll not see a penny of it.

    I'm saying this because I expect your parents are going to resist your giving up being a carer. If you can't afford to see a counsellor why not give the Samaritans a call for a chat? They're not just for people who are suicidal. It's not going to solve your financial troubles, find you a job or get you back to college but it might give you the strength to stand up to the people who are using you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,532 ✭✭✭Lou.m


    cymbaline wrote: »
    I reckon your parents are hoping they'll fall in for granny's money when she pops her clogs. You're the collateral damage while they try to appease granny and hope she doesn't leave everything to a cat's home or to some cousin she sees once every five years. Just be aware that there are people out there who were very good to elderly relatives, only to be left nothing when the will was read out. Pandering to your gran guarantees absolutely nothing at the end. She knows it too and is exploiting their greed. I bet even if she does leave your mother her money you'll not see a penny of it.

    I'm saying this because I expect your parents are going to resist your giving up being a carer. If you can't afford to see a counsellor why not give the Samaritans a call for a chat? They're not just for people who are suicidal. It's not going to solve your financial troubles, find you a job or get you back to college but it might give you the strength to stand up to the people who are using you.


    It is awful but to be honest it happens. I know the woman does need someone to look after but ideally it should be many members doing it not simply one.

    Talking about money in that way is extremely unhealthy. There seems to be a lot of weak characters in your life OP with no moral gumption.

    You must stand up and be determined to be the better person. Tell your parents they are not entitled to any inheritance. Tell your grandmother she is not entitled to treat others like this and tell your family you are not taking this any more.

    Take your life back continue your studies or start working or whatever and get your debt under control. YOU CAN DO IT! :)

    If one person in a family starts being healthy and positive it is contagious! :)


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