Mixed Messages Majorly!

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'm a 24 year old girl and a few months back I met a guy who is a few years older than me (36..). It started out as a drunken night out and I went back to his. We thought it was a one night stand and just left it at that... A few weeks pass and I bump into him on a night out and neither of us are drinking but still decide to head back to mine where we hook up.

At this point, I realised that I kind of liked him - physically attractive, really sound and shared interests - we're never stuck for a topic of convo and all the rest. I decided to take the plunge and got his number. The next day I texted him and asked him out for dinner which he said he'd love to do and was delighted about it.

We spent a few days together after that and discussed the age difference which isn't a major deal for either of us. Neither of us going for people outside of our own age groups generally so this was an exception for both us but a non-issue at the same time. Things were going great... apart from sex...

We went away on a few weekends together, gone on countless dates, see each other three-four times a week and it's getting to the stage after four or five months that I'm beginning to think we're a proper item (though we haven't had that chat). IN the five months we have had sex three times. It's just a bit depressing because he ticks every single other box for me. I broached the topic when out drinking with him but and he said 'Oh I love sex! this is not an issue for me!'.... But it clearly is.

I'm open to the fact that he isn't into me and is looking for companionship but I think I deserve a bit more. It's gotten to the stage where I am considering just heading out this weekend and getting with a guy just to get it out of my system. I'm not a sex tyrant or whatever - but this is just worrying.

I don't want to bring it up again because I feel like I'd make it into a bigger issue and am afraid it's confidence... It shouldn't be like this at the beginning

Any thoughts?

LLMMML

It's not really clear from your post where the issue lies. Are you initiating sex and he's making excuses to avoid it?

As for sleeping with someone else, would you be doing it because you want sex, which is fine, or as some way of passive agressively making a point to him, which would be a bad idea.

It also sounds like there's an implied relationship, even if you haven't formalized it yet so it could be construed as cheating.

My advice: have a serious talk. Are you exclusive, why aren't you having sex etc.

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply...

We had one chat about exlusivity around two months ago and he said that he'd be my boyfriend if I wanted him to be... That kinda irked me as it felt like I was putting pressure on him to be something he didn't want to be so I said that I wasn't ready just yet for that to happen so he said he was happy to not be exclusive.

I would go and have sex with someone purely because I want to... I wouldn't tell him and feel like the fact we discussed exclusivity wouldn't really count as cheating? Again, I don't want to hurt anyone but jesus.. I need to get laid!

I initiate it all the time. We kiss and I'll see that he's hard and up for it and I'll try to get things further and the rest but it's just not given back. Last time we were in bed we were both a bit hungover and I kept on initiating it as I know how guys are when they're hungover and he got into it... but then he just said 'No, let's no just laze about all day, let's get breakfast.' This was just after I had gone down on him for a second..? I was embarrassed to say the least.

I don't know what to do here... I feel like if we chat about it then it'll create a bigger issue and then he might bring up exclusivity but I'm just not going to be happy to be exclusive with a guy who has made no effort sexually. I feel like I'm his friend that he kisses and it's beginning to really get to me. I am considering just 'breaking up' with him or just distancing myself majorly.

LLMMML

At this stage I don't think it matters that you're not exclusive. Sleeping with someone else and then going back to this guy and seeing will it ever develop does not strike me as a good idea.

He sounds extremely non-committal. Whether he has underlying issues or is just a naturally extremely laid back person is hard to know.

I think the only way you'll get anywhere is talking. I know you've talked before but I don't think you were honest (by responding to his seeming lack of interest by saying you weren't looking for exclusivity). Once you've sorted things with this guy you're free to go out and have sex with other people guilt free, or without it affecting your relationship with this guy.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for that...

It's just becoming embarrassing. I don't have a huge sex drive but I just want to feel like he wants me. I won't lie, I feel like we won't talk about this because he just tends to avoid deep chats like that and it will be through behaviour than chatting that will figure this out.

I've also been talking to a guy online. I know this isn't good... I suppose I'm losing hope here. I haven't been with anyone sexually in two years and it's getting to a point where I don't think he finds me attractive. I'm no massive ride but I'm definitely not ugly.

LegacyUser

Not sure if that message went through?

Anyway, I will chat to him but not looking forward to it. I don't know

December2012

I think you'll have to bring it up. At the minute you're friends who occasionally kiss.

What have you got to lose?

Merkin

The situation as it stands is unhealthy and unsustainable. I know very very few hetro, red blooded men who after enjoying a blow job would decide he wanted breakfast instead. He may be keen on you but he doesn't appear to be interested sexually and that's just going to shatter your self confidence and leave you angry and frustrated. Time for a make or break chat but aid he cutting my losses, I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't lust after me.

Czarcasm

OP just from reading your posts, it sounds like you thought you struck lucky with this chap and then saw him as potential relationship material. I mean, to go from not having had sex in two years to settling for a guy who you get on well with but who just uses you for companionship, it just sounds like you actually don't realize your own value that you didn't call a halt to this sooner rather than later.

I think this guy is willing to go along with whatever you want as long as it doesn't require too much effort on his part. I do have to ask though, how much is he drinking?

The only reason I ask is because I've known friends in your position who were pretty much the same age as you and stuck with guys pretty much the same age as your guy (and in some cases much older), and these guys just liked the idea of a young girl being interested in them, but they weren't really arsed about moving the relationship forward, for numerous reasons - they had emotional baggage from previous relationships, they liked their bachelor lifestyle too much, they were (I'll get killed for the expression), but they were mammy's boys - they liked being taken care of, but they didn't want to exert too much physical effort in the bedroom.

I would urge you to have a really hard think about whether you want to continue to allow this guy to make you feel physically and sexually unwanted (I'm trying my best to be delicate here!), but basically you could find yourself stuck putting up with this for a long time (in one case one girl was nearly five years of hanging on and hoping before she eventually had the guts to finish it for good, and that was just pure messy for a good two years after!).

At 24, trust me, you don't need the hassle, and there are plenty of guys out there (don't get too hung up on the online dating either, jesus I won't even go there!), but suffice to say you should go with your gut instincts and go out and have fun, not be getting tied down with guys who you allow yourself to be treated as a convenience for when they feel like it, and don't particularly care for what you want.

Lou.m

OP you need to chat to him and tell him your frustrations and ask him what his issue is.

If he is afraid of sex or non sexual or has emotional issue or whatever if he can't tell you it is not a relationship.

otnomart

It is strange indeed that he is showing no interest in sex now; your relationship started with a one night stand, after all.
Agree that you should talk to him, he could be asexual, or you might have very different sex drives, which would make the relationship very difficult

LegacyUser

Thanks guy,

I haven't seen him all week so haven't had a chance. He's fairly private and not one for the deep chats so I might have to wait for a few drinks to get around to it.

Any suggestions of the questions I ask? Nice ways of saying 'Why aren't we shagging?'?

I'll leaf through the comments again for some ideas! thanks xoxo

Czarcasm

OPhere1 wrote: »

Thanks guy,

I haven't seen him all week so haven't had a chance. He's fairly private and not one for the deep chats so I might have to wait for a few drinks to get around to it.

Any suggestions of the questions I ask? Nice ways of saying 'Why aren't we shagging?'?

I'll leaf through the comments again for some ideas! thanks xoxo

Before you ask him that question (and yes, I recommend you be that straight about it!), ask him -

"Am I wasting my time here?"


Then you can judge for yourself whether you are or not by his reaction to your next question.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

Before you ask him that question (and yes, I recommend you be that straight about it!), ask him -

"Am I wasting my time here?"


Then you can judge for yourself whether you are or not by his reaction to your next question.

God I wish I was this wise!! I can be so clueless... I think I'll go for it. We're going for dinner on Sunday night which will turn into drinks so I'll see what happens.

Thanks ladies and gents!

Czarcasm

OPhere324 wrote: »

God I wish I was this wise!! I can be so clueless... I think I'll go for it. We're going for dinner on Sunday night which will turn into drinks so I'll see what happens.

Thanks ladies and gents!

Don't spread that around, I've got a reputation to keep on here :pac:


And good luck OP, whatever way it turns out for you... hopefully good obviously!

logic

Three times in fives months, I can't fathom that, its the honeymoon period really, he should be hopping of you every chance he gets. He is getting hard so its not like he can't perform so there is obviously an issue there. Like the others said, ask him out straight. He does seem to like you there is something he is holding back. If you can get it out of him then maybe it won't be an issue or you's can work through whatever it is. I hope it works out for you.

Mr. Loverman

Agree with the others. You need to talk to him about this. You need to get him to give a real answer, for example, "I have no sex drive around you".

Anything vague like "It's grand" or "stop worrying" or "there's no problem" means he is emotionally unable to deal with this problem and you need to break up.

Either way, I'm pretty sure you're breaking up. Sorry. It'll be for the best though.