How will I deal with this situation?

kiva989

Hi,
Next week, I'm due to meet up with my friend. At one point, we were best friends but considering we haven't seen each other in a year and our only contact has been via sporadic text messaging, I feel I can't really call her my *best* friend anymore.

We began to drift apart when she met her current bf about four years ago. This guy is way older, married and has kids both older than her. (She spends basically all her free time with him and has lost contact with nearly everyone bar me.

In spite of the lack of contact between us over the last number of years, when we have met/spoke, this bf and her relationship with him has been the main focus of our conversations. At the start, (based on the info she gave me) it was all happy days, he was lovely to her, treated her fantastically, made her feel a hundred dollars etc etc. Over four years on, it's a different story it seems. He's moody, argumentative, manipulative, blows hot and cold, is dismissive of her and her feelings (and still hasn't told his wife btw).

This guy is married and is lying to his wife and kids. I don't agree with his behaviour (or hers for that matter) but I've always tried to not let these opinions dominate my contribution to discussions we would have about. I've always tried to maintain a position whereby I support what is best for my friend.

My opinion has always been this guy is no good for her and I've expressed this opinion to her. He can't marry her, he can't have kids with her and she's wasting the best years of her life with him. When it was all rosy between them, she assured me this wasn't true. Now things have taken a downward turn, she agrees with and has awknowledged there is no future there. However she maintains she can't break free from him because she loves him too much at this stage, in spite of everything.

My issue is, when we meet up next week, should I even bother entering into a discussion about this guy? Any more discussions about this guy and we are just going around in circles. I've given an opinion, she agrees with me to a large extent, but is unable to do anything about it seems. I feel I have nothing extra to add that I haven't said before so I'm tempted to just leave well alone and let her do whatever she is going to do. On the other hand, I feel I have this friend who is in a toxic relationship and for whatever reason, doesn't have the strength to leave him. Is me making the conscious decision to avoid entering into a discussion about her relationship selfish of me? She I keep reiterating reasons she has pointed out herself about why she should end it and why is better off without him?

Anyone have any opinions/advice on this? Thanks!

December2012

No, don't talk about it, don't bring it up, she knows your stance on it.

Given that it's so rare you do meet up, try and have some other topics to talk about - preferably the good in your life!

Leave her drama to her own time!

Tokyo

You've said your piece, and it's been four years now and things haven't changed. As hard as it can be at times, there comes a point where you have to accept your friend's choice, for better and for worse. If she brings it up then you can decider whether to entertain the conversation or not, but otherwise focus on other areas - it sounds like you have plenty to catch up on anyways.

ash23

OP you've said your piece so don't bring him up and if she brings him up just say something like "well you know my opinion on the matter so there's no point in talking about it because we'll go around in circles".

We have a similar issue in our family and basically it's just not a subject that is discussed as it's been talked about at length many times to the person and nothing will change so it's just a pointless waste of time and energy and people end up getting upset.

Just focus on doing something nice and fun with your friend.

Magicmatilda

If I were you I wouldn't bring it up, however I suspect she will.

If she does you can simply tell her that while you love her you do not agree with her actions in this and that you cannot condone them but you would recommend that she sees a professional to look at why she is accepting being someone's second best. It would indicate low self esteem.

She has probably distanced herself from others because she knows people won't condone her actions, she may be feeling, ashamed, guilty, hurt and angry. So just try and be kind but firm.

In a few years she will hopefully be through all this and she will appreciate that you were there for her.