Dating a guy with issues

daisyd0001

Looking for advice on this situation and apologies in advance for the long post.

I’ve been dating a guy for 12 months now and he has many issues, relating to his mother, his relationship with his father and the relationship and break-up with his last ex. The biggest issue is insecurity and then fear of abandonment.

I feel like I bear the brunt of the issues, despite me not doing anything to deserve it. I am faithful, loyal, encouraging and understanding, which he appreciates (in general) and he acknowledges that this is a healthy relationship, but because of his past, it is a new experience for him. He is always expecting me to leave or find a different guy – which would not be expected based on my behaviour as I don’t give any indication of this being the case. It is just from his insecurities. This part, I understand.

Recently, he lost a good friend and went home for the funeral. The guy who died was in his mid-twenties, lived each day to the fullest and had many opportunities ahead of him. My boyfriend sent me messages while he was in his hometown saying this whole experience has changed him, that he knows he is very lucky to have met me, he appreciates all the support I’ve given him, misses me a lot and cannot wait to see me.

We had planned to see each other the day he arrived back but his flight was delayed so it would be too late to meet up by the time he was back in town. The next day I texted him but his answers were short, very cold. I figured he was tired after travelling all day so I left him in peace. Hours later I saw something online that he would be interested in so I sent him the link, the replies were again short and cold. I didn’t suggest meeting up.

The next day I hadn’t heard from him before I sent a message asking if he wanted to come over for dinner. He came over after work, was in good spirits and we talked about many things including the funeral. As he was leaving, I asked why did he have the extra bag and he said he had planned on going to the gym after work. After he left, I realised if I had not texted him, he would not have texted me to meet up and would have went to the gym that night, knowing he has plans for the next couple of nights and I leave for a week on Thursday. Then we would not have seen each other in over 3 weeks, which hasn’t before since we've met. And he was the one saying he missed me and wishing I could be there with him, but when he's actually back in town, he doesn't make any effort to even get in touch with me.

This happened last night and as I feel I always have to be the one making contact first, I wanted to see if he would text me today. No such luck. At the start of the relationship, he was so open and chatty and thoughtful, and for the last few months he has been blowing hot and cold – something he despises since it was how his ex treated him, but I think he doesn’t realise he does it. I don’t know if I am overreacting, or being petty, but I know it doesn’t make me feel good about myself or the relationship so any advice is greatly appreciated.

Chattastrophe!

It sounds like his friend's death really affected him.

Maybe he had hoped you'd attend the funeral with him to support him, but didn't want to ask?

If I were in your position, even if I couldn't attend the funeral - no time would be too late for him to call over to me on his return, no matter how late the flight was.

daisyd0001

I don't think that was it. We are from different countries and live in another one so his flights alone were expensive enough.

Matteroffact

Sounds to me like he is backing out of the relationship and doesn't know how to tell you. Sorry OP.

daisyd0001

I'm also feeling like the time is up, but if I were to do it now, I'd seem heartless if he isn't thinking of ending it.

strobe

A good friend of his just died and he has told you it affected him a great deal. Cut the guy a break and give him a chance to process things. Maybe stop putting your feelings first for the time being?

sleepytrees

In my experience.. When someone claims that their ex was this and that and messed them up, they were the cause!
You can't always believe someone when they bang on about their ex!

He has issue, which you know and now you are facing some of them.
He sounds a little paranoid too... he could be mad at you about something that you aren't even aware of?!

macplato

There is no point in guessing, OP, by doing this you are contributing to the dysfunction that he already brings to the relationship by having unresolved issues from the past. I am very tolerant of people's "issues", whatever they may be, as long as 1. they are actively working through these issues, and 2. they are willing and able to communicate clearly.

Talk to him. Tell him you felt he was being cold with you and ask if there's something to it. Tell him how you felt when you saw his gym bag, tell him what your thoughts about it were. Tell him how you felt when you got that text where he said he couldn't wait to see you, and how confused you were when you discovered he made different plans for that evening you had dinner together. And most importantly, ask him how he is feeling after his friend's funeral. Talk to him!

Pippy1976

sleepytrees wrote: »

In my experience.. When someone claims that their ex was this and that and messed them up, they were the cause!
You can't always believe someone when they bang on about their ex!

He has issue, which you know and now you are facing some of them.
He sounds a little paranoid too... he could be mad at you about something that you aren't even aware of?!

100% on this. People may recognise me from a [lengthy] post recently about my paranoid ex and what it did to me etc.

Anyway, OP, your post was EXACTLY the way my ex was in the early days, i.e. his ex was this, his ex was that, he's messed up over what she did to him etc.

2 years later and I'm realising that he was the one with the issues, not her (although there were two of them in it). Anyway, your partner sounds like mine and I'd advise you to have a chat now, try nip it in the bud and either A) split because he won't change or stick with it and hope he does.

Paranoia, ex-issues and putting pressure on you to 'always be there, never leave, never cheat, never, never, never' is TOO much. Nobody can be perfect for the type of person you describe your partner to be. The mood swings are the worst... you'll wrack your brains trying to figure out 'what've I done now?' Be aware, you've done nothing, it's just how their mind works.

Best of luck.