My daughter refuses to contact me.

LegacyUser

For a year after giving birth to my eldest daughter I had post-natal depression and never bonded with her properly. This may have been because she was ill and was in intensive care for a month after birth. Three years later I had another daughter who I did bond with. However I found being a mother very stressful and sometimes I would scream at the girls and tell them that I couldn't cope with them any more. On several occasions I told them I was leaving them. I'd leave them alone if the house and drive off and stay away for a few hours until I'd calmed down, then I'd go home. I must admit they were very young - primary school children - when I was doing this. Once I left them alone for so long (my husband was working nights then) that they really thought they'd been abandoned and called their grandparents to come and look after them.

My husband and I ran our own business and when our eldest daughter was 10, we lost the business and went through serious financial problems. My husband became so stressed that on a few occasions he really lost his temper with our eldest daughter and beat her for very small misdemeanours. He beat her repeatedly around the head, quite hard, and kept going when I was shouting at him to stop. After that had happened a few times, she completely withdrew from him. She would avoid him and not respond to him, she was scared of him.

Their relationship did not improve and there were high stress levels in our home. She began getting into trouble at school, she was suspended several times for fighting the other children. She drastically reduced her food intake and became so anaemic that she fainted several times. I didn't know what to do. Eventually she called social services and, according to them, begged them to take her away, threatening suicide if she was forced to stay with us. They took her away and she refused to have further contact with us. We didn't know what became of her. Our younger daughter chose to stay with us and was allowed to, although social services regularly checked on us.

Now my eldest daughter is 30, and I found her with the help of a private investigator. She was very angry when I contacted her. She said she has no interest in hearing from me or my husband, and that she will consider any form of contact harassment and will call the police if I bother her again. However, I really need to talk to her, ask her how her life has been, I want to know what she's doing and how she is. How do you think I can get her to talk to me?

Neyite

I think she has been very clear with you that she does not want to talk to you. Why do you think you have anything she wants to hear? Or that you have the right to find out what is going on in her life?

You neglected and continually abandoned them, and her, being the older sibling would have had to try to put her own fears to the side to comfort and console her younger sibling.

Your husband beat her. A grown man would have found a beating like you describe hard to take and he did this to a child.

You are not describing why you think you deserve a second chance with her or why you think you are entitled to be in her life again. It sounds like she had a desperately unhappy and terrified childhood, does she not have a right to put that behind her?

ABajaninCork

I'm sorry for your pain, OP. But given what you've told us here, is it any wonder your daughter is still very angry with you?

Why do you feel the need to get in touch with her after so long? I get the impression it's more for your sake than hers. She's had a rotten time through no fault of her own and just wants to move on with her life. Without you, I'm sorry to say.

For the sake of your daughter's mental well-being, you MUST leave her alone to live her life. You've had your answer.

LegacyUser

You've got some nerve. You're still playing happy families with the man who beat her around the head!

Aside from genetics, what on earth do you think connects you? Love? Doesn't sound like it. All she felt in that house was seething anger and resentment from either you or your husband.

She begged strangers to take her away, and once free she NEVER looked back. Fair play to her.

But of course now its all about YOUR needs. I need, I want......

Leave her alone.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

It's a difficult thread to answer, because the fact that you are reaching out here and laying your story bare does show that you are trying to make some sort of amends. However, the elephant in the room here is that you and your partner were both abusive parents to your children - you emotionally, and your partner, physically, and there is no real getting away from that. No child calls up social services and begs to be taken away or risk killing themselves unless they've lived a life of absolute terror beforehand, and quite rightly she would want to bury that as far back in the past as possible and try to move on from it.

There is no real solution here. I'm afraid to tell you. Your daughter is now an adult, with a life of her own. She has made a very definitive choice for herself when it comes to you and your husband. And it's hard to argue that she's not right to choose to cut you both out of her life. Ultimately you have to accept that choice, and if you do care about your daughter, accept that she wants to maintain that distance from you both and respect it.

Penny Tration

Honestly op, if I were your daughter, I wouldn't want any contact with either of you.

You abandoned your children and your husband beat her.

Your post is full of excuses before the descriptions of what you both did to her. While you're in a place where you make excuses for such awful behaviour, she's better off without you both.

If you love her, respect her wishes. She's probably badly mentally scarred from the abuse.The last tthing she needs is excuses for the inexcusable.

SterlingArcher

Just out of curiosity, how is your youngest daughter, and does she have contact with her sister?

CaraMay

Op most of your post if about you and not her but it should be all about her. You had x number of years to make amends but it didn't happen and she (rightly) doesn't want to know....

You have to let her go. Leave her your contact details but then leave her alone. If she ever wants to contact you then she can but if not then that's as a result of your mistreatment of her.

dizzymiss

Im in agreement with the previous two posters here. I can't and wont judge someone that has had depression and im sure the periods you left them alone will forever haunt them and it's something you should never have done. I'm sure you don't need me telling you that.

The thing that bothers me here however is you standing by whilst your husband, a grown man beat a young girl, repeatedly. You let that happen. Your daughter was courageous enough to walk away and this im sure has stayed with her always.

Why exactly do you think she'd want contact with you? You most certainly don't deserve it. Leave her be. You've taken the first step and made contact. She's made herself clear. If she changes her mind, she'll get in touch with you. Step back.

MagicMarker

How about starting with "I'm so sorry for being such a terrible mother to you, and failing to protect you"?

Had that even occurred to you?

Snake

Bloody disgrace. Both of you should be ashamed. And how dare you track her down with a private investigator? What reason would she want anything to do with you? She called social services because of how you both treated her. Did it ever once occur to you that you both need help, but instead you shouted and beat her? Leave her alone. You're no parent, you're a disgrace.

ElleEm

Wow, my heart is breaking for your daughters here.

There is no remorse in your post, tonnes of excuses, but you have failed to show any regret for your behaviour. Even your reasons for wanting contact from your eldest daughter are all very black and white. She is 30 years old, and thankfully had enough cop on when she was a child to know she deserved better than what she was getting. You neglected your children, you stood by as your husband assaulted them, you damaged them to the point where social services got involved. You do not deserve to find out how she is. Whatever and whoever she has become is in spite of you. I really hope she is a happy, settled and successful adult.

I work with kids in care, children who have come from home situations that you describe. There is a huge amount of work to be done when a child has learnt to survive in situations like you describe, but unfortunately, the hurt and pain is so deep rooted, sometimes people never recover.

Your daughter has no doubt had to fight her way through life, learning new ways of coping and trusting and not being frightened any more. The best thing you can do for her is listen to her. Hear what she is saying, and leave her alone. By not heeding her request, you will only further damage her.

Oryx

What you need does not matter. What matters is that a woman whose childhood you ruined gets to live her life in peace. If you have any feelings for her at all stop thinking of what you need, think of her, and leave her alone.

You want her back in your life? That isn't your choice to make, its hers.

ash23

Op you need to leave her alone. She can find you or her sister in the future if she wants to.

You don't get to find out how she is or what she is doing. You gave up that right when you failed her by emotionally abusing her and staying with a man who physically beat her.

Are you still with her father? You let her down her entire childhood and failed to be her mother. Therefore you don't get the privilege of deciding now that you want to know her.

She has made herself very very clear so leave her alone now. She's clearly not interested in any sort of relationship with you at the moment. Possibly she never will be and that's just something you have to accept. It's the price you have to pay for treating her so terribly.

Also if your other daughter tries to get in contact with her sister, keep out of it. Don't try to use it as a way to get to your eldest daughter. Let them forge their own relationship if that is something that they both want.

GarIT

I really want to post a reply here but I can't come out with anything that won't get me a ban, I am filled with rage and sympathy for the daughter. OP you come across as an inhuman monster. The woman has said she doesn't want to talk to you, that should be the end of you ever trying to contact her ever again.

I think its is a horrible injustice that you were allowed keep your other child. Both you and your husband should have served jail time for your actions.

mylefttesticle

Do her a favour and leave her alone, the abuse she suffered up until the day she left and is still probably affected by is enough for one persons lifetime, she obviously does not need you or want you in her life, some things you just cant change.

How about you concentrate on the daughter that stayed and spend the rest of your life being the best mother you can be to her.

Oh and you and your husband should have been held accountable for your actions and ended up in some institution or jail. If you really sorry its never too late to confess, I doubt you told the truth when she was a kid and needed help.

I had parents like you, maybe not as violent but there was violence and mental abuse, I have forgiven them but will never forget and I am still paying the price for their actions when I was younger I once spent three years without much contact and I can tell you it was the happiest time of my life and if you have any love for your daughter left or I doubt love but if you have even regret you can give her the best gift you can ever possibly give her, leave her alone. You have ruined your own life and a lot of hers leave her be now.

LegacyUser

OP your whole post shows why your daughter doesn't want anything to do with you. You've got excuses for all your and your husbands actions - I'm not trying to dismiss how serious PND or how stressful your financial situation was but none of that excuses how you treated your child. You make sure to give excuses for how you and your husband treated her. While he may have been the one hitting her your lack of effort to stop him speaks volumes especially to a child. And your quick to imply she was at fault somehow by pointing out how she was at school, her eating and the fact that it was her that called child services. I'm actually damn impressed that she was able to do that at her age dealing with the abuse she was. She was able to drag herself out from under all your crap and make a life for herself and she owes you nothing. Perhaps consider speaking to your GP about counseling for yourself and your husband so you can learn to accept what you did to almost ruin your daughters life.

LegacyUser

Not really sure what to say but I know for one thing, if your daughter wanted to contact you, she would have by now. You need to leave her alone. If she ever decides to contact you that's fine happy days, but it's her choice and I can't really see her making that move tbh.

My mam has had a severe mental illness her entire life and she beat me black and blue as a child. She once punched me so hard in the stomach I couldn't breathe and I was 6 years of age. Still remember it like it was yesterday. That's only a tiny fraction of the things she did. But she was very very ill and didn't get the help she needed to raise me (girl) and my brothers. That was 20 years ago and I have never once told her what she did to me, she doesn't remember any of it anyway and what good would it do to bring it up now. I have totally forgiven my mam because now that I'm older and I understand the sheer devastation mental illness can cause i know it wasn't really her that did that.

In your case however, it was stress of family life that caused such awful abuse. That should never have happened. You and your husband knew exactly what you were doing to your daughter. I can understand why she started a new life. I would have done the same.

Grandpa Hassan

OP, there is nothing in your post that suggests you want to make contact with your daughter for any other reason than to make YOU feel better. It is all about YOU. Not about your daughter.

She has made it clear what she thinks. If you had any regard for her feelings, you would drop it. You clearly care more about your own happiness than that of your daughter.

diveout

Ah the circle of life.

Well as any adult child who was abused can tell you, you can't make someone love you, not even a parent.

Well, you can't make your daughter want to talk to you either. Leave her alone.

eviltwin

I'm the child of a toxic parent, we've had no contact in a long time so I can understand your daughter's reaction. Imagine someone you've gone to such lengths to avoid suddenly getting back in touch, it must have been a terrible shock. You and your husband have put her through so much, why would you think she would want to have a relationship with you after all that. Nothing in your post suggests you take responsibility for the abuse or that you have any remorse, its all about you and how you feel. If your contact with her was like your post can you blame her for telling you to go?

As a mother I can empathise with your pain, I'm not going to judge you as it took guts to write so honestly. I think though you have to let this go and respect her decision as hard as that may be. I hope that you are able to move on. I know its not what you want to hear but some hurts can't be undone. I do hope that maybe in time your daughter does contact you.

PLL

I haven't spoke to my mother in 5 years. I left after after a childhood of emotional and mental abuse why caused me to become depressed. I now have a child and by having a child I realised even more how dispicable her behaviour was. Even the thought of my daughter being in any of the situations I was in makes my stomach sick. My mother has tried to contact me a few times, not once was any an apology, she still thinks she has done nothing wrong, why would I want her in my life.


I won't comment on how awful you treated your child. But this is going to be my main point. If your daughter has led a much happier life without you in in (just like I have without my mother) then why would she suddenly want to drag you with all that painful emotional baggage back into it. She doesn't need it, and clearly doesn't want it.

hagoonabear

fcuk me wow no wonder she doesn't want to have any contact with you or your husband seriously leave her alone you can never make up for what you or he did to her sorry but it's absolutely disgusting you should never hit a child especially by your own parents, no excuse saying you didn't bond . my father was like your husband beat me my mother and my sisters locked us in a room for days without food or water and even tried to sell us when we came of age to his triad paedophile ring, I have no contact with him and he tries to contact me I avoid at all costs so please give your daughter peace of mind and leave her be it will only cause bad memories for her

Hannibal Smith

Please leave your daughter alone. You made your choice years ago to treat her as you did and to stay with a man who beat her. Maybe if you could go back you would do things differently but you can't.

I get the sense from your post that the reason you want to contact her to lay your ghosts to rest and get peace of mind for yourself. But in my mind you should put your daughter first this time and respect her wishes.

How on earth would you expect her to react any differently?

Czarcasm

OP I can actually see things from your point of view, but, I think it's incorrect to state that your daughter won't contact you. She has actually been in contact with you (albeit through the private investigator you hired to track her down), and she's been quite unequivocal in her communication with you -

sadmam wrote: »

Now my eldest daughter is 30, and I found her with the help of a private investigator. She was very angry when I contacted her. She said she has no interest in hearing from me or my husband, and that she will consider any form of contact harassment and will call the police if I bother her again. However, I really need to talk to her, ask her how her life has been, I want to know what she's doing and how she is. How do you think I can get her to talk to me?

For once in her life, I'd suggest you take her seriously and leave her alone to get on with her life. You lost the right to play any part in her life when she had to make contact with social workers herself, begging them to take her away under threat of suicide, and now you want her to get back in contact with you to tell you how she's been getting on and how her life has been since she got away from you...

Honestly OP, how do you think her life has been after what you and your husband did to her?

Or are you still going to continue to disregard her feelings working under the misguided impression that she owes you anything for giving birth to her?

You and your husband made her life a living hell, and I can't for the life of me fathom in what universe you think she would want to go back into what was, and will always serve as a reminder of the hell you and your husband put her through.

For your daughter's sake OP, you're going to have to learn to live with the consequences of your actions, and you're going to have to learn that your daughter is not the person you remember any more. She has decided to move on with her life, and for her sake, and for yours, I would suggest that this time you respect her wishes and move on with your own life.

Rubberchikken

Tbh you had your chance when she was small to be the best mother you could be to her and her sister.
Not bonding due to birth/post natal depression is no excuse, imo, for mistreating a child through their life.

Your daughter is an adult, so if she doesn't want anything to do with you, you'll have to accept that and move on.

If you're genuinely sorry, prehaps you could write her a letter saying that, but don't fill it with excuses/reasons etc that you feel justify the way you treated her.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

PLL

After readin other posts I feel compelled to write more. I don't think you have actually thought about how what you did to her would affect her life everyday. Althouh my life is happier I still worry about peolple hurting me, I take the slightest critism to heart, can't deal with confrontation well... all of these things are becuase of what my mother said and did to me. You have to realise little insecurities she might have, she might have because of what her parents did to her.

I suffered from post natal depression, I have lived in a town for years and not known anyone, my oh has worked long hours... this is many people's situation. In no way shape or form would we EVER take our problems out our daughter. I'm even more protective of her because I never want her to know pain like i did. I ensure i never want her to know what my mother did to me, i do not want her to worry about me in that respect. The worst part of parents abusing thier children is you feel like you have no one to protect you. Can you imagine that.. the people who are meant to protect from the big bad world are the ones making your life hell.


Please leave her alone. You don't deserve her in your life.

Calmsurrender

Sadmam,
Have you had or considered counselling for everything that happened during those years?
If your daughter ever did get back in contact with you, no doubt she will have a lot of questions - will you be ready for that?
If her time since she left you has not been a happy time can you handle it? Be a support to her?
What exactly is it you're looking for from her?
I would not contact her again as per her wishes, she knows you are there and if she wants you she will find you. But if you haven't already then you need to work on yourself so if that day ever comes then you are ready to be the best person you can be to her.

deisemum

Leave her alone, you didn't love her, she's made her decision so accept it.

The Peanut

I've read the original post a few times today and I can't get it out oft head. As a father, a son and a brother, I find the tone of the post repulsive. Nowhere is there any evidence of love for children. Small children who only want the love and protection of parents. Parenting is not easy. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week but you reneged any entitlements the day your brave daughter left.

The OP appears to trying to fix something but the lack of love, empathy and regret is shocking. I'm not sure if it's coming from a feeling of guilt or just " what if" but truly, you've no rights whatsoever.

Leave the woman alone. The grown woman who has made her way without you. You had your shot and when you were most needed to prove yourself, you blew it.

Your daughter knows where you are. It's her decision alone.

sadie06

OP you clearly heard and understood the response from your daughter, yet you still talk of your needs. You really need to talk to her. Why? To find out how her life went, you say. I presume that is because you are hoping it went well, and that it will make you feel better. Your needs are selfish.


You are still with the man that beat her, the man that you failed to call the police on, or report to authorities in an effort to protect your daughter. Taking that fact into consideration, there can be no happy reunion here in my opinion.

Leave your daughter alone and put your time into coming to terms with the reality of the situation. I appreciate that may be painful to accept, but I don't think you have an option.


As an aside, it is also my opinion that if you push this further, your daughter will be within her rights to report the harassment, which may lead to the past abuse on both your parts being brought up. Go digging up your past and you have to be prepared for what will surface.

ted1

OP, she stopped being your daughter when you abandoned her, abused her and left her open to physical abuse.

You now have an opportunity to do one good thing for her , and that's to leave her alone.

retro:electro

I really feel for your daughter and the horror she must have felt when she found out you were trying to get in touch with her. I just really hope wherever she is that she is living a wonderfully happy and fulfilled life; she's lucky she's still alive after what her "parents" put her through. This post actually touched a nerve with me. People like you make me sick op.

jellyboy

Hi op ..


I'm going off topic to go on topic …
bear with me ..


your post is from a person who is an abuser ,who allowed pain and hurt to continue in their kids and own lives..

i won't condem you for what you did or didn't do
as i am not here to judge you

i can only judge my own reaction to your words

i hope that you can work on yourself enough to see the errors of your judgement/s

from your words , theres a defense of the actions of your partner,my heart tells me that you are still abusive

you are abusing yourself by your actions and denial of the full extent of what you did and allowed to happen

for that reason alone,its wise to stand back from your daughter and contact with her

my feeling is the traumna is deep for her ,and in this case her wants over ride yours,,

the reason being ,she's not a child that you can control
and abuse is about power and control..

she can sense the abuse,the private investigator the unwanted contact is like when she was in the height of the abuse ..

you are trying to control her

stop..

get the work done to remove the patterns of abuse from your brain and soul

when she is ready ,make sure that the answers you give her aren't false ,be honest with her
Acknowledge her pain and hurt

be true to yourself

you are "fixable" and a kind human ,who has allowed learned patterns and behavior to dicate your past,now is your future

change only because you want to.

Be well op

catonthewire

Okay , I read your post quite a few times before replying.....

Your daughter is carrying immense hurt, my heart aches for this poor girl..
Obviously she wishes to have no Contact, and you must respect her wishes...


You have had problems, that is obvious, but there are many mums who go through difficult periods in their lives...
I was in an abusive marriage, suffered a break down, but left with my children, we talked openly about the effect this had on them...
If you need help, go find a counsellor, but please let your daughter live her life in peace...
Perhaps one day she will speak to you, if not then you must accept this..

LegacyUser

Christ op,how did you think it was ok for you to go search for her using a private investigator?? I really hope she is ok, as by getting in contact with her now many yrs later has meant you have probably opened up a lot of the horrible memories which you and your husband subjected her to. The fact she contacted social services, threatened suicide in order to get away from you two just shows how bad you treated her. You don't seem to feel guilty in your post at all, you didn't have any bond with her then, you still don't have a bond for her, I don't understand why you want to contact her.

LegacyUser

I'm a regular poster, but going anon to reply here.

OP, I've just read my way through this thread and am FUMING! You put your daughter through absolute hell as a child and now you're wondering what she doesn't want to have any contact with you?!

As a child I went through an incredibly similar experience. I was constantly told by both parents that I was stupid, useless, would never be any good at anything, would never amount to anything etc. My mother slapped me and hit me for the slightest little thing and my father beat me and kicked me. Can you imagine a grown man doing that to a small child? My mother stood by, watched him do it and never once tried to stop him.

I'm in my thirties now and this has had a serious impact on my life. I started going to counselling earlier this year in an attempt to try and deal with everything. I have fallen into bad relationships with men (who looking at it now were just like my father) who treated me appallingly.

Recently my mother and I had a row. It came out that I was going to counselling (I hadn't planned to tell her) and she asked me what I was "going to someone like that for" because "All they do is warp your mind and you're a bigger fool to be giving them money". I told her exactly why I was going and about how everything I'd gone through as a child had such an effect on me.
You know what her reaction was? She completely denied that any of it had ever happened, told me I was a liar and she was sick of me, that I was bullying her and that I had better not have said any of that to anyone. She told me I'd be sorry because her and my father could be dead in the morning and I'd regret it then. That I might need her yet. Then she hung up on me.

I needed her a long time ago when I was a small child. I needed a parent who loved me and cared about me, not one who beat me and another who watched and allowed him to do it. If she didn't care when I needed her then and hasn't cared when I've tried to talk to her about other things in the last few years, then she's not going to care in the future and I'm not going to need her.

OP, you're just like my mother. You treated your daughter so badly. You neglected her and allowed her father to beat her while you stood by and did nothing. She was a SMALL DEFENCELESS CHILD! She needed you. You could have helped her and you didn't, so why are you surprised that she wants absolutely nothing to do with you now?

Your daughter has spent many years trying to deal with what happened to her and trying to come to terms with it. She has decided that she wants nothing to do with you anymore and frankly I don't blame her, so the best thing you can do is respect her wishes and leave her alone.

I don't have children, but I look at my friends kids and wonder how in hell a grown adult man could actually have done what my father did to me, and how a childs mother could stand by and allow it to happen, and then deny that it ever did.

I'm going to have to stop now because I'm just so angry reading this thread.

CIARAN_BOYLE

Look you allowed your husband to physically beat her because he was stressed. You lost all rights to be her mother the day you allowed that to happen.

Rule one of parenthood no one is allowed to beat your child. Someone beats your child you stop it. Tthe minimum you do is call the police on the bastard. Instead you are to this day playing happy families with him. Shouting at him to stop doesn't cut mustard here. Smashing him in the head with a frying pan or calling the police is what you should have done.

Abandoning your children is plain psychological abuse.

Good for her cutting you out.

JillyQ

Op I read your post. I don't think any other post on boards has ever made me so mad. There is only one word to describe you and your husband that is vile. Your daughter has said she doesn't want to hear from you. Please show her some RESPECT now which is something you never showed her before. Do what she asks.

diveout

She is taking responsibility for her recovery by having no contact with you. She is saying no to staying a victim and she needs to do that to rebuild out of the trauma.

It strikes me OP that the abuse has become normalized for you too and you don't quite understand what you did or your husband did.

You also leave out some details. How long did you leave the girls alone for and how old were they? Why didn't you call their grandparents and ask for some help so you could get some headspace?

The beatings... how often and what were the consequences? Were you scared of your husband too? Did your husband beat you also?

You need to respect her wanting to not talk to you. Otherwise the abuse continues.

Babooshka

sadmam wrote: »

How do you think I can get her to talk to me?

You have described a nightmare life really, for everyone involved. Would you not think about going and talking to someone about the hurts and the scars inside of yourself that must be there, before trying to mend or build bridges with your daughter. Realistically it will depend whether or not she wants to forgive you for the past, but it doesn't sound like she's anywhere near that right now, and you need to allow her that space as she didn't have that as a child. Your life sounds tragic, and although a lot of people are berating you, you have been very honest in giving the facts of your story. Begin with yourself, leave her alone until you have come to terms with what you're responsible for in the past.

There has to be a lot of turmoil inside of you that you need to deal with before being of any good to your daughter. I wouldn't go back to anyone who beat me and I wouldn't forgive anyone who let them, that is for sure. What makes you think you can bring her anything different than the pain she grew up with? Very sad story - you'll have a lot of work to do on yourself before getting anything back from your daughter, I think.

EDIT: In fact even if you do work on yourself, you may have to come to terms with the fact that you have to say goodbye forever to her, as you didn't provide her with what she needed as a child and sometimes that's the way it goes.

ManOfMystery

I've seen a large number of posts in here over the years from people who had abusive parents, usually asking for advice about problems in their lives which stem from having terrible childhoods.

This is the first time I've actually seen a post from the abusive parent(s) themselves.

As per the rules in the charter regarding this particular advice section, I'm not going to post what I really think of people like you. I have an 11mth old and couldn't hurt a hair on his head - and it actually makes me angry reading about people who hurt children. However I would be interested in hearing a response from you as your original post was very to the point and didn't really elaborate on why exactly you want to get in touch with your daughter.

Are you apologetic?
Have you actually realised the enormity of what you and your husband did?
Or are you just getting in touch because of curiosity and wanting to exert some influence and control in her life?

Children crave love, security and affection. That's how they grow up to be well-adjusted and happy adults. What you two gave your daughter was the opposite : abandonment, verbal abuse, and physical abuse to the point where your child had to beg strangers to actually take her away from you, her natural parents and guardians.

There's a certain irony when I describe parents like you as 'guardians'.

I sincerely, sincerely hope that she went on to succeed in all her endeavours, and to have a happy life surrounded by friends who love her. But it's more likely that she was badly affected (as many adults are) by her childhood experiences and this baggage may have travelled with her into adulthood.

So I ask again, do you realise the enormity of what you two did? You can't just write off things like this as a bit of shouting and and the odd slap. You have negatively affected a person's entire life - 30yrs plus - with your behaviour. Yet your post contains no hint of remorse, or understanding, or contrition. And now you want to step back into their life again?

I think regardless of your motives - be you sorry, or otherwise - I agree with the other posters. You have absolutely no right to be in your daughter's life, or to even make contact with her. At this stage I honestly doubt you have anything at all to offer her which could enrich her life, and this is likely just an exercise in guilt alleviation (at best) - so again, you are putting your own needs above hers.

She is well within her rights to tell you where to go. Walk away and leave her alone.

LegacyUser

op,


as a daughter who grew up in a similar situation i ask you to please leave her alone, very rarely in personal issues do you get one page of posters in agreement you have 3 pages here,

i was lucky if you could call it that, that i ended up in a situation which forced me into getting help, i had no choice but to deal with my issues, and let me tell you it wasn't easy, i was very angry, very sad and very broken, running from my past never trusting people, causing problems because it felt normal to me,

it took me years to re-build my life, when i met my now husband i remember crying to my counsellor and saying "i've destroyed so many lives i don't deserve this good thing to happen to me", and that was how i thought, it still took me a lot of hard work of looking at my life, my actions, my thoughts and re-training myself with their help to be healthy mentally, to get to a good place in myself.

thats the damage an abusive past can do,

your daughter is moving on with her life and i am sure she will mind herself, you need to also mind yourself, but stay away and let her heal. if she decides she wants to see you, she will see you, on her terms not yours, that can be the best you can hope for, and not demand.

Dutchess

I am just going to chime in here.

I wonder if the OP is still even reading this thread as she is obviously not told what she wanted to hear and rightly so. Your daughter had the courage to do what I never could. Granted, my mother has not treated me half as poorly as you treated yours. Nevertheless, my contact with her stems from a sense of obligation and guilt rather than a desire for a relationship with her. And my mother too thinks she is entitled to contact with and respect from me because she just so happened to give birth to me, never mind what happened in the decades after that.

So to rehash what everyone here has already said: Leave. Your. Daughter. Alone. It will be the one thing you can now do for her. Be a mother, for once.

Niamho!

At the risk of being told off, Good enough for ya!

She's better off without you. I don't understand why the other one hung around either.

Flippyfloppy

If you have to use a private investigator to find someone who specifically didn't want to be found by you well then you shouldn't be surprised that they want nothing to do with you.

The good news is that she appears to be doing fine. She still has the self respect to want nothing to do with you! So that should be enough for you, you wanted to know she was doing ok didn't you?

Even though I don't believe you mentioned it in your OP, if you want to make amends for the terrible things you did, do it another way. With other people. Volunteer in a reputable charity shop, or a school or the likes.

krispin

sadmam, I may not be your daughter, but I have reached a similar impasse with my own mother, and I have to say that the likelihood of her wishing to speak to you may go one of two ways:

1.) If she chooses to speak with you, it will be entirely on her terms, not yours. Forget trying to salve your own pain and your own guilt. As far as your daughter is concerned, the only person in this so-called relationship who has any right to feel something is her, not you. After all, you never bonded well as mother and daughter, and this wasn't just shortly after the birth but several times since she started growing up.

In my opinion, and I'm sure in the opinion of others, there's only ever one moment when a parent bonds with their child, and if a parent misses that moment, for whatever reason, that's it; chance over; no going back. Even if you profess how much you sincerely love them, at the back of their minds they always ask "But what about before? Why didn't you love me then?" And it's questions like these which your daughter will constantly struggle with while she's trying to interact with you. And though she may choose to speak with you and even divulge parts of her life and what she has been up to, there might be times where she suddenly remembers what a let-down you were and abruptly stop responding or only contact you when it suits her.

2.) If she chooses not to speak with you - after the above or not even after you initially ask - then all you can do is wait for her to respond or come to you instead. Otherwise, you're powerless, owed nothing, and unlikely to get what you want from this so-called relationship. Your daughter is 30, you say - whereabouts were you at the age of 30? Would you say you had a lot going on, most of which you managed to do all by yourself, without any input at all from your mother? If so, then imagine having no input or advice from your mother and ask yourself what your mother could possibly offer you that you haven't already done or got yourself? Did you wait around for her to do something you wanted there and then, or did you work your rear off getting what you want so you wouldn't have to ask when you know that she won't give it to you?

I won't comment on whether you deserve this treatment from your daughter. I won't comment, either, on whether being told to leave your daughter alone is just for the best. As someone who has reached a similar position to your daughter at this moment in her life... I think you should try - if you honestly wish to make amends - to support your daughter indirectly, without her even knowing. If she won't talk to you or suffer to see you in person, then check who she's still in contact with and see if these people would be willing to help you stay in touch with your daughter and be a part of her life, even if she doesn't want it. If it's your parents or your husband's parents, this might make things easier, as they should understand, as parents themselves, where you are coming from. Make sure to explain your motives behind wanting to make amends - don't make it about you, make it about her. For instance, maybe buy a gift your parents know she will like but don't say it's from you - have them put their name on the label. I know this might sound unrewarding, but she won't know it's from you and therefore won't reject it, and somehow, you have both reached a compromise.

Also, if you're feeling that motherly instinct you should have felt a long time ago, then don't let other people stop you. So what if some of them hate you for what you have done? That's bound to happen. For now, the important thing to focus on is that you're actually accepting that something went wrong with you and your daughter's relationship, and that in itself is a step in the right direction. You're not here to impress other people, you're here to impress your daughter, and while you're still both alive, it's never too late to try and work towards that.