feeling bullied throughout pregnancy

pinkpanter2014 · 28-07-2014 1:47pm #1

hi ,
hoping this will be a problem halved for me.
im 35 weeks pregnant, luckily had very good pregnancy so far!
as I am a young parent at 22 a lot of family have given me advice. Some more than others, understanding mothers only worry. But mine has made It her way or no way. I have decided I wont be doing ante natal classes as I feel i have read my books done my research , asked any questions I was worried about. The other night I got a call asking me where I was and how my day was, (regretting it now ) i mentioned I had pain , so i was taking a nap. Instantly took into a big lecture about how I should have informed myself by doing the antenatal and was i even eating enough protein and that if i dont do the ante natals that they will think i am incompetent of minding my baby and take it from me. Insisting at the crack of dawn this morning collecting me and bringing me to the doctors. That not being a problem until she rushed in to the doctor before me and asked her to insist I do the antenatal classes and could she advise me more and give me numbers to ring. Probably the most embarrassing situation I have been in. My doctor did the usual check up and as i already knew as i have been having pelvic floor pain for 2 months or more now that that was all it was. I came home and looked up antenatal classes and realized I had just been pushed into something once again I did not want in the first place that I am just pleasing others. This is causing problems with my partner because decisions we have made together have been criticized by my side and I end up just going with their advice for an easy life. Me and my partner have decided that we will wait to buy our buggy until after baby is born , only buying essentials such as car seat, nappies, clothes bottles, etc.. And now my mother is insisting that in her words "don't mind martin, we are going buggy shopping and i will buy it". Just about the only time i put my foot down and said no we are doing it together and we will buy it. Also mentioned about us moving in together after the baby is born and she insisted it would be ridicules that i should move in alone. To avoid my partner getting upset or creating a division between everyone i haven't told my partner all of this. Sorry about my big rant.But has anyone had this. could any advice be given?

Sadderday · 28-07-2014 2:07pm

Sounds like your overwhelmed.

Your also only 22. And to be honest.... sounds like your mother cares about you.

Sounds like your mother has the welfare of the child in mind and you probably are a bit too young to see that right now.

You dont have to do anything you dont want to you are an adult.... but your mother still sees you as her little girl so you should probably be grateful of her help and try chat to her about how you feel if it gets too much.

If you and your other half can afford to raise the baby alone - fair enough... if you are going to need her help - dont push her away now.

Rubberchikken · 28-07-2014 2:55pm

As a mother of a 23 yo I can see where your mom is coming from.
She's concerned for you and the baby.
But that concern can seem overwhelming and I can understand that.

Do what you feel is right for you but try to see that while she's a bit ott its coming from concern and love.

Good luck with the baby.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2014 3:06pm

I'm not that far behind you with my first and tbh I think you're mad not doing the antenatal classes! And I've read everything too! I don't know if they'll be useful or ****e, but I'm gonna go and find out! At least I'll get a tour of the labour ward if nothing else. And I want all the real life breastfeeding help I can get. I'm also aware my partner hasn't been reading all the stuff I have, so it'll be an eyeopener for him.

But I also think your mother is mad suggesting you should move into a flat on your own with no partner. Thats insane. Who's gonna help you in the middle of the night? Her??? Don't think so. What if you have a C section? Who in their right mind would want their daughter to be alone post natally if she didn't have to be?

On the buggy thing.....the fact is that after the birth realistically whats gonna happen is that your partner is going to be buying it himself. Cos there is no way you'll have the energy to be out shopping. Thats all dandy if you've picked it out in advance and he just has to go in and buy it, but of you're picturing actually waiting until after to choose it? Thats not gonna happen.

And frankly, if she wants to buy it? Let her - they're insanely expensive. We're getting a second hand one from friends. Is it the one we'd have chosen? Nope! But we're practical enough to accept it gratefully!

And in fairness, at 35 weeks if I have any pain I'm going to the GP.

You sound a bit like you think you know it all, tbh. I'm almost 20 years older than you and I have no idea how you can be so sure. I'm scared, and I need all the help offered to me, and I'm not to proud to admit that.

Neyite · 28-07-2014 3:21pm

It takes a village to raise a child. I am, and continue to be, grateful for the wisdom and experience of health care professionals and those around me who have had children so that I can be the best mother I can to my child.

I'd my first baby at 37. I've babysat since I was 13, and surrounded by niblings and I was still grateful for the ante-natal classes. You may have read a book, but the local midwifery are the ones delivering your baby in line with their hospital policies and procedures so there are questions that only they can answer, for example, do they actively manage the labour? or, even in my case, which door to use if I turn up in the middle of the night and where to park so we dont get clamped or fined. Also, you attend with the ante-natal physio, so your pain could have been helped and make you pain free!

And its not just for your information. Your partner needs to know enough information about the process so he can be your advocate when you cant speak for pain in labour, telling the midwives your preferences when you cant. Has he read all the books you have? I'd guess not.

Are you going to turn down the experience and knowledge of lactation consultants and public health nurses too?

And a key point you may wish to consider: if you are unmarried your mother is your next of kin. If you are unresponsive during labour for whatever reason, your partner cannot sign any consent forms as he is a legal stranger, so your mother would have to be contacted.

She marched you into your doctors like a child. Well, stop acting like one by making childish decisions and maybe she will treat you like an adult. You are barely taking care of yourself during pregnancy so it does not inspire confidence that you will be able to care properly for your baby after birth if you rely on books.

pinkpanter2014 · 28-07-2014 3:36pm

Neyite wrote: »

It takes a village to raise a child. I am, and continue to be, grateful for the wisdom and experience of health care professionals and those around me who have had children so that I can be the best mother I can to my child.

I'd my first baby at 37. I've babysat since I was 13, and surrounded by niblings and I was still grateful for the ante-natal classes. You may have read a book, but the local midwifery are the ones delivering your baby in line with their hospital policies and procedures so there are questions that only they can answer, for example, do they actively manage the labour? or, even in my case, which door to use if I turn up in the middle of the night and where to park so we dont get clamped or fined. Also, you attend with the ante-natal physio, so your pain could have been helped and make you pain free!

And its not just for your information. Your partner needs to know enough information about the process so he can be your advocate when you cant speak for pain in labour, telling the midwives your preferences when you cant. Has he read all the books you have? I'd guess not.

Are you going to turn down the experience and knowledge of lactation consultants and public health nurses too?

And a key point you may wish to consider: if you are unmarried your mother is your next of kin. If you are unresponsive during labour for whatever reason, your partner cannot sign any consent forms as he is a legal stranger, so your mother would have to be contacted.

She marched you into your doctors like a child. Well, stop acting like one by making childish decisions and maybe she will treat you like an adult. You are barely taking care of yourself during pregnancy so it does not inspire confidence that you will be able to care properly for your baby after birth if you rely on books.

I don't disregard you may have experience but to be down right ignorant telling me i am barely looking after myself during my pregnancy. I have had my hospital tour i am aware of the procedures the hospital has in place as my midwife gave me a one on one.I have also had my birthing plan looked over by my midwife and she was confident I had made correct decisions. I have been out to my doctor every second week since my first scan. I may be a young parent but that does not mean I am incapable of providing the best for my unborn child, as you have assumed I am. I dont know who you think you are or who gave you the right to judge if I will be a good mother or not?

Neyite · 28-07-2014 3:52pm

pinkpanter2014 wrote: »

I don't disregard you may have experience but to be down right ignorant telling me i am barely looking after myself during my pregnancy. I have had my hospital tour i am aware of the procedures the hospital has in place as my midwife gave me a one on one.I have also had my birthing plan looked over by my midwife and she was confident I had made correct decisions. I have been out to my doctor every second week since my first scan. I may be a young parent but that does not mean I am incapable of providing the best for my unborn child, as you have assumed I am. I dont know who you think you are or who gave you the right to judge if I will be a good mother or not?

I replied to you based on the information in your post, namely that you were not doing antenatal classes because you'd read books and that you'd been in near constant pain for 2 months and when your mother heard that she marched you to your doctors.

You didnt say that you were attending midwife appointments or bi-weekly GP appointments and that they were aware of the pain. That information clearly changes things, and would have had a bearing on my reply had I known that. Anyway, you are clearly annoyed at me, so I'll bow out of your thread now.

monflat · 28-07-2014 3:56pm

In fairness to the op it's a case of a controlling mother

However we don't know your circumstances to judge have you always been living at home or have you been away studying \ working for a few yrs and only mover back in since you became pregnant. ?

If you have always lived at home and let your mother make decisions etc I can now see that it's annoying you the intense pressure from your mother.
However have you reasons why you don't want to attend anti natal classes?

Reading books and watching TV may not be enough some have gotten by by but if you want to take some control of your body and baby it's worth going.
If for nothing to know about c sections.
They covered them in my first anti natal class but I was certain I didn't need to know about that. In the end I did. I'm.in for my 3 Rd section in a few weeks.

monflat · 28-07-2014 3:59pm

monflat wrote: »

In fairness to the op it's a case of a controlling mother

However we don't know your circumstances to judge have you always been living at home or have you been away studying \ working for a few yrs and only mover back in since you became pregnant. ?

If you have always lived at home and let your mother make decisions etc I can now see that it's annoying you the intense pressure from your mother.
However have you reasons why you don't want to attend anti natal classes?

Reading books and watching TV may not be enough some have gotten by by but if you want to take some control of your body and baby it's worth going.
If for nothing to know about c sections.
They covered them in my first anti natal class but I was certain I didn't need to know about that. In the end I did. I'm.in for my 3 Rd section in a few weeks.

Your mother is as worried and apprehensive about this as.you are and this is her way of showing it _ taking total control and acting as if you are not there.

I know lots of 22yr olds have had babies have coped well
Maybe your mother had hopes and dreams for you and now feels they are on hold etc.

pinkpanter2014 · 28-07-2014 4:00pm

Alsopregnant wrote: »

I'm not that far behind you with my first and tbh I think you're mad not doing the antenatal classes! And I've read everything too! I don't know if they'll be useful or ****e, but I'm gonna go and find out! At least I'll get a tour of the labour ward if nothing else. And I want all the real life breastfeeding help I can get. I'm also aware my partner hasn't been reading all the stuff I have, so it'll be an eyeopener for him.

But I also think your mother is mad suggesting you should move into a flat on your own with no partner. Thats insane. Who's gonna help you in the middle of the night? Her??? Don't think so. What if you have a C section? Who in their right mind would want their daughter to be alone post natally if she didn't have to be?

On the buggy thing.....the fact is that after the birth realistically whats gonna happen is that your partner is going to be buying it himself. Cos there is no way you'll have the energy to be out shopping. Thats all dandy if you've picked it out in advance and he just has to go in and buy it, but of you're picturing actually waiting until after to choose it? Thats not gonna happen.

And frankly, if she wants to buy it? Let her - they're insanely expensive. We're getting a second hand one from friends. Is it the one we'd have chosen? Nope! But we're practical enough to accept it gratefully!

And in fairness, at 35 weeks if I have any pain I'm going to the GP.

You sound a bit like you think you know it all, tbh. I'm almost 20 years older than you and I have no idea how you can be so sure. I'm scared, and I need all the help offered to me, and I'm not to proud to admit that.

hi also pregnant

had my tour at 27 weeks and enjoyed it a lot would definitely recommend it.I had a one to one with my midwife which she has promised she will go over needs to know on everything every visit as im traveling 2 hours over and 2 hours back to her.Hence why i am hesitant to drive over for 5 classes, should have said that probably in my op. I got my cot as a present and car seat which saved me big expense thank god ! haha it would be sending out a headless chicken to get a buggy! so your dead right there haha picked the buggy I love just waiting to see if I have a boy or girl ! Im scared alright but who isnt with there first.but i know i am in safe hands ! thanks for your reply

eviltwin · 28-07-2014 4:04pm

OP if you keep giving into her you're just making a rod for your own back. Imagine what she will be like when the baby arrives if you don't do something now? Both you and your boyfriend need to respectfully tell her to back off, I'm sure her actions are motivated by concern but that is no excuse to kill you with kindness. Remind her of her boundries, remind her you have a new family now and her role within that. I had a baby young, we younger mothers don't need our hands held.

ash23 · 28-07-2014 4:10pm

Op I was 20 having my child and eleven years on I am so grateful for all the help and advice I had, even though at times I did feel a bit like I was being controlled.

I'd have fallen apart in the hospital had I not had my mammy as it turned into a very complicated birth and my mother was amazing at keeping me calm.

You don't say where you live. Is your mother perhaps thinking you'd be better off living alone so that you can claim benefits and have your own place instead of your boyfriend trying to support you and the baby on his income? Has she any reason to be worried about the relationship? A new baby brings a massive amount of pressure to a relationship and maybe she's worried that the relationship will be tested by the combination of moving in together added to the new baby situation.

Ultimately you just need to think about whether your mum has your best interests at heart. I do think you're crazy not to attend your antenatal classes. They show you around the hospital and the labour ward etc so it really takes the apprehension out of where to go and what to expect. I can see why your mother would be unhappy about you skipping the classes.

I don't know op. I think that you'll really need your family when the baby arrives so when you're frustrated with their interference I'd suggest biting your tongue and agreeing but just doing your own thing when they're gone home. Because the benefit of their support will far outweigh the times when you feel they're interfering.

pinkpanter2014 · 28-07-2014 4:14pm

eviltwin wrote: »

OP if you keep giving into her you're just making a rod for your own back. Imagine what she will be like when the baby arrives if you don't do something now? Both you and your boyfriend need to respectfully tell her to back off, I'm sure her actions are motivated by concern but that is no excuse to kill you with kindness. Remind her of her boundries, remind her you have a new family now and her role within that. I had a baby young, we younger mothers don't need our hands held.

I think i will perk up some courage and grow a bit of a back bone and talk to her tonight maybe. Always afraid of hurting someones feelings when i know they are only trying to help! thank you

pinkpanter2014 · 28-07-2014 4:26pm

ash23 wrote: »

Op I was 20 having my child and eleven years on I am so grateful for all the help and advice I had, even though at times I did feel a bit like I was being controlled.

I'd have fallen apart in the hospital had I not had my mammy as it turned into a very complicated birth and my mother was amazing at keeping me calm.

You don't say where you live. Is your mother perhaps thinking you'd be better off living alone so that you can claim benefits and have your own place instead of your boyfriend trying to support you and the baby on his income? Has she any reason to be worried about the relationship? A new baby brings a massive amount of pressure to a relationship and maybe she's worried that the relationship will be tested by the combination of moving in together added to the new baby situation.

Ultimately you just need to think about whether your mum has your best interests at heart. I do think you're crazy not to attend your antenatal classes. They show you around the hospital and the labour ward etc so it really takes the apprehension out of where to go and what to expect. I can see why your mother would be unhappy about you skipping the classes.

I don't know op. I think that you'll really need your family when the baby arrives so when you're frustrated with their interference I'd suggest biting your tongue and agreeing but just doing your own thing when they're gone home. Because the benefit of their support will far outweigh the times when you feel they're interfering.

my mam walked out on us when the going got though when we where young. So i have lived with my father who has been a blessing to me and my siblings. In the last two years have we only started contact again. My dad has been so supportive of the pregnancy but just simply has no room for more. I wouldn't consider moving out alone as i simply would not cope alone. My mother never wanted me with my boyfriend as she taught it would be best i stayed single until i finished collage. I wouldn't dream of pushing away any family hence ignoring comments like "thats an stupid name" "you bought that brand of wipes" and just taking it.

eviltwin · 28-07-2014 4:33pm

pinkpanter2014 wrote: »

my mam walked out on us when the going got though when we where young. So i have lived with my father who has been a blessing to me and my siblings. In the last two years have we only started contact again. My dad has been so supportive of the pregnancy but just simply has no room for more. I wouldn't consider moving out alone as i simply would not cope alone. My mother never wanted me with my boyfriend as she taught it would be best i stayed single until i finished collage. I wouldn't dream of pushing away any family hence ignoring comments like "thats an stupid name" "you bought that brand of wipes" and just taking it.

Sounds like she might be trying to make up for her lack of presence in your life, its not your responsiblity to provide her the means to do that though.

monflat · 28-07-2014 4:37pm

pinkpanter2014 wrote: »

my mam walked out on us when the going got though when we where young. So i have lived with my father who has been a blessing to me and my siblings. In the last two years have we only started contact again. My dad has been so supportive of the pregnancy but just simply has no room for more. I wouldn't consider moving out alone as i simply would not cope alone. My mother never wanted me with my boyfriend as she taught it would be best i stayed single until i finished collage. I wouldn't dream of pushing away any family hence ignoring comments like "thats an stupid name" "you bought that brand of wipes" and just taking it.

Well sure there's a totally different way of looking at your suitation.
The re s so much more to your relationship with your mother then than we can give you advice on your first post

ash23 · 28-07-2014 4:43pm

pinkpanter2014 wrote: »

my mam walked out on us when the going got though when we where young. So i have lived with my father who has been a blessing to me and my siblings. In the last two years have we only started contact again. My dad has been so supportive of the pregnancy but just simply has no room for more. I wouldn't consider moving out alone as i simply would not cope alone. My mother never wanted me with my boyfriend as she taught it would be best i stayed single until i finished collage. I wouldn't dream of pushing away any family hence ignoring comments like "thats an stupid name" "you bought that brand of wipes" and just taking it.

That puts a slightly different slant on things. My dad did similar to your mum and when I was pregnant he was very pass remarkable. When dealing with my mum I let it slide.
When dealing with my dad I was pretty blunt and just said it was none of his business and shrugged off his opinions.

He offered to buy my buggy and pram but I said no. When he asked why I said it was because he would throw it back in my face all the time. Which he would.

Years later and years of telling him it wasn't his place to tell me what to do and he accepts me as an adult. He probably gives out yards about me lol but it is water off a ducks back.

Just tell your mother you appreciate her consideration but you'll do things your way. And change the subject. My dad and my child adore each other and I encourage their relationship but he lost his right to have input into my life and decisions when he walked out.

So op just let it go over your head when she makes minor remarks about names or nappies. Save your strength for the big battles and just tell her that you appreciate her input but it's your body, baby and life and you'll do it your way. Change the subject and refuse to be drawn into an argument about it, walking away if need be until she accepts she can't dictate to you.

It'll probably get worse before it gets better but hopefully she'll find a way to communicate to you without taking over or insulting you.

pinkpanter2014 · 28-07-2014 4:50pm

ash23 wrote: »

That puts a slightly different slant on things. My dad did similar to your mum and when I was pregnant he was very pass remarkable. When dealing with my mum I let it slide.
When dealing with my dad I was pretty blunt and just said it was none of his business and shrugged off his opinions.

He offered to buy my buggy and pram but I said no. When he asked why I said it was because he would throw it back in my face all the time. Which he would.

Years later and years of telling him it wasn't his place to tell me what to do and he accepts me as an adult. He probably gives out yards about me lol but it is water off a ducks back.

Just tell your mother you appreciate her consideration but you'll do things your way. And change the subject. My dad and my child adore each other and I encourage their relationship but he lost his right to have input into my life and decisions when he walked out.

So op just let it go over your head when she makes minor remarks about names or nappies. Save your strength for the big battles and just tell her that you appreciate her input but it's your body, baby and life and you'll do it your way. Change the subject and refuse to be drawn into an argument about it, walking away if need be until she accepts she can't dictate to you.

It'll probably get worse before it gets better but hopefully she'll find a way to communicate to you without taking over or insulting you.

its nice to get advice from someone who has been through the same situation. so thank you for taking the time. Feeling much better and don't feel i am going to be harsh by asking her to back off a little thank you

feeling bullied throughout pregnancy

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