What to do/afraid to make a decision

shabaz

Hi All

Sorry if this is going to be a long one.

I am living away from home now for going on four years. I am in my 40's and worrying about my future. I met my partner 5 years ago now and he is from the Uk. We dated back and fouth for over a year when we first met but as he has children (who were young teens at the time) I knew it would have to be my decision to move to his country if I wanted to continue the relationship.

So we had the discussion and I told him that I would make the move but would definately want to move back within a few years which he agreed with and said he would consider it when it came. Nearly 4 years have gone by and I am still not settled in his hometown. I miss my family soo much and I miss the lifestyle in Dublin. I have a good job here and we live in a lovely part of the city but I don't really like a lot of things about the town.

The wages are also very low and I find this gets me down alot cos we always seem to find things a struggle. I have brought up the converstion about moving home a few times (unfortunatley when ive had a few on me) but we end up falling out over it. He says he thinks I will not be happy still even if I move home. I have told him I would be if we were both at home.

Recently he did bring the conversation up before (without me asking about it) and told me he had looked into getting work in Dublin iin his field, which made me very happy cos I thought he must be thinking about it.

His youngest is now 17 and so I really feel like one more year is about all I can do here. The problem is I love him! This is what holds me here, the only thing. I know he is a great man and im afraid if I go without him, the grass will not be any greener or ill regret loosing him.

I am constantly mulling it over in my head of what to do. Ive always been a planner as well so like to "have a plan of action" so this doesn't help as who knows what will happen in the future. But still I feel I have to start laying down tracks for the our future/my future.

Please advise me if you have ever been in this situation and what was your outcome.

Thank you

Magicmatilda

You need to have a sober conversation about where this is going.

Has he discussed moving with his children? How do they feel about it?

They may be late teens but it is a huge change and the may feel abandoned. They may need time to get used it. So there would need to be a lead in time on that, they would need notice of such a huge change. So it is important that if he intends to move he broaches it with them, get them used to the idea.

Could you move back first and get settled and he join you?

Basically I think you really need to be clear that you want to come home in a year and see if he agrees. If he won't then you will either have to stay there, unhappy or leave without him.

Tokyo

I'll second the above and say that you need to have this conversation when you are sober, and have time to discuss it properly - just bringing it up when you have been drinking could easily let him believe that it's just the emotions coming to the surface after a few drinks. Now is actually a good time to bring it up, as his youngest being 17 means that they will either be going onto third level education or entering the workforce, and it may be what he has been waiting for, particularly if he broached the subject with you fairly recently.

But it's also important that you sit down with yourself first too, and ask yourself honestly, what you are willing to do if he turns around and adamantly says no? Are you willing to settle for not having the life that you want in order to be with him, or are you strong enough to leave him for your own personal happiness when it comes to where you spend your future. Otherwise you could be faced with a very uncomfortable choice, pending the outcome of your conversation.