Sex and sexuality problems

LegacyUser

I've always had a weird relationship with sex, like since I was ten or eleven. I was obsessed with the idea and used to fantasize about sex being "taught" in sixth class, ie we'd all go in and have sex. When I was 11 I forced a friend (the same age) to "play a game" where we both got naked. She was clearly hugely uncomfortable and though there was no touching I feel so awful everytime I think about this and how she must have felt.
I thought about sex all the time and all through my teenage years but never had any sexual encounters. I definitely fantasized mainly about boys but also about girls. I also fantasised about people much older and much younger than me. Sometimes I feel like I must have been abused as a child and just forgot. I'm 24 now.

In school I was bullied for being flat-chested, underdeveloped etc. and was called a lesbian. I think that really affected how I think. I never had any real friendships with men.

I only started engaging in sexual activity at 19ish. It was mostly casual. I enjoyed the majority of it but had some bad experiences. No rape but definitely some sexual assault. I also always had conflicting ideas in that I felt I had to kiss guys who flirted or bought me drinks because I ought to be flattered. Once I'd done that I felt I had to have sex with them because otherwise I'd be "leading them on". Then I had the idea that I was a "slut". I have now realised none of these things are true but still think them sometimes.

I have had two relationships, both with men. One only lasted a couple of months, it was horrible, the sex was horrible. The other lasted a year and a half. It ended a couple of months ago. He was so sweet about my sex issues, the fact that I can't come, I sometimes get upset, I can go from enjoying it to hating it in a second. But sometimes I still felt like some sort of preforming monkey there for his needs. We were long distance so we had to have sex everytime we saw eachother. He had to come everytime, even if I wanted to stop he's have to finish himself off (unless I was crying). He did try and make me come a lot but that only made things worse because I knew he wouldn't be able to do it. He wasn't even good with his hands/mouth and everytime I tried to tell him that he'd get all hurt. But it doesn't matter cause I can't even do it myself. Ugh.

I feel like I want to have a completely sexless relationship. I get so stressed out thinking about it. I do get horny and do enjoy it but if my mind wanders I stop enjoying it and start feeling disgusting. Even when I am enjoying it I feel like it's mainly for show. I also suffer from UTIs and yeast infections so sometimes during sex all I can think about is that.

I worry a lot that I'm acutally bi or gay and have just been repressing it all these years because I'm afriad of the difficulties it could cause for me in my future. I'm even afraid to try anything with a girl incase I don't like it and it'll seem like I was using her, or just one of those people who isn't bi but just doing it to be "different". Ugh I'm so confused. I wish sex didn't exist.

Da Shins Kelly

Have you thought about seeing someone to talk about some of these issues? You might benefit from some counselling to help with getting over some of the mental blocks you seem to have in your mind surrounding sex and your own sexuality. I don't think anyone should feel "disgusting" after doing something as natural as having sex, and some of these questions you have about your own sexuality might make more sense if you talk to someone in a sort of therapy setting.

As for the issue with your friend when you were children. I definitely think that is something that needs to be talked through with a professional for sure.

LegacyUser

Lou.m wrote: »

Mod snip.

This is really horrible and I hope the OP ignores it. The irony of your last line is staggering when your whole post is about how you can't relate to the OP's issues and recounting your experiences when they seem to have no bearing at all on the OP's problems.

OP, you're not alone in how you're feeling, lots of people have similar issues in some or other combination of feelings. Talking to a professional about this seems the only worthwhile way to go from here, you're unlikely to solve the issue by some programme of trial and error experimentation done in the lens of feeling bad about what you once did and having no experience of worthwhile sexual relationships. None of what's happened makes you a bad person or anything, important and wonderful and all as sex is, it's still only one form of expression.

tcif

Lou.m wrote: »

Modsnip

So why reply? The OP is clearly aware they have issues and need help, and also that they have (and still are) engaging in behaviour that is not healthy for themselves and others. Castigating them in this way with nothing helpful or positive to suggest is not productive.

OP, I think your issues run deeper than anything anyone here can help you with. You recognize you need help and that's the first step. I think you also recognize your current behaviour within relationships is not healthy so maybe you should stay single for a while and seek some professional counselling to help you deal with your past and present issues. I'm sure a good counsellor can help you.

Penny Tration

Tbh op, I think you need to speak to your doctor as soon as you can. Some of the things you've said are a bit disturbing, and I think you could do with speaking to somebody and getting some help.

Neyite

Lou.m banned for a week.

December2012

You mention that you may have been sexually abused as a child. Do you have a basis for this?

I think this is something that you need to talk to a sexual therapist with.

LegacyUser

Op here, Thanks for the replies.
In one way I have to say I'm kinda shocked. I guess I didn't realise how weird it was to feel the way I do. I mean this whole thing really came to a head when an old friend got drunk and asked if I remebered the time we lay on top of each other and pretended to have sex (this time it wasn't something that I had forced) when we were 12 or how all of our make-believe games where we were mammies involved a long discussion about how we got pregnant.

No I have no basis for my idea about being sexually abused. That's really why I mentioned it. I feel like a lot of my behaviour now and as a child, is typical of someone who was sexually abused but I don't remember anything like that. The only thing is that my mum used to do something I didn't like when she washed me. I asked my older siblings about it (as a child) and they said she didn't do it them. I work in childcare now and know there is no reason why she should have done it.

I think most of my issues just come from conflicting ideas I had about sex. I was quite involved in the church when I was younger and could never get my head around the idea they put out; sex within marriage is wonderful and romantic, but outside of marriage it's sinful, smutty and dirty. I didn't understand how it could be both and to some extent I still struggle with that. I find it hard to view sex as a romantic activity. Or when I was 14/15 the girls in school bought me a vibrator as a joke present. It was funny to them because I was so unsexual and had never even kissed someone, but also funny 'cause I was such a "freak" that they all said I'd probably use it. I remember them going on for weeks about how sad it was that I lost my virginity to a vibrator and calling me "robot-slut". I did really want to try it but I ended up throwing it out because I felt like using it was wrong. I've come a llong way from then but the conflicting ideas still rear their heads sometimes.

A lot of you mentioned I talk to someone but who? A counsellor? Would this be an issue for a regular counsellor or some sort of sex therapist?

Neyite

OP, at this stage, I do believe that you need to consult a professional, and that amateur advice given here on thread may fall far short of what you need. So, I'm closing this thread on that basis.

We cannot give recommendations on particular therapists, I can only advise you to go to your GP to discuss referrals to the most suitable therapist in your area. It may be a good idea also to consult with the Rape Crisis Centre who also may have listings of experienced relevant therapists in your area.

All the best.