Married man - advice needed

doubter

A while back I met this guy on a dating site.We got on like a house on fire and the banter and chats were flying.he's very intelligent and I'm very attracted to him. After about 2 weeks of chatting he said he had some history to share with me and if he could give me a call.
Turns out he is still married, has 4 kids between the ages of 8 and 16, and has an 'arrangement' with his wife that they will remain married for the sake of the kids, but if either of them would find another partner, he would move out.He has his own bedroom (this is verified, lol, once I knew who he was the daughter of a friend of mine is a close friend to his oldest girl and I asked him to see with her if that was true).He's also made it clear he would 'die' if he would have to move out and not see his kids anymore.
Still, this has the feel of ' oldest trick in the book to get some booty aside ' , but he does seem very genuine..any advice? My instincts tell me to stay away, but the heart kind of has it own ideas...

strandroad

What do you want from this guy? Even if he's honest, anything serious is out of the way if he won't move out - you can hardly move in!
If you just want some good times with no strings attached go ahead but if you want more, forget him.

miamee

Even if it is all as he says (and that is debatable), are you willing to get involved with someone who has no intention of moving beyond the dating stage until his youngest child is grown up....in about 10 years?

That is an awful lot to ask of anyone and I think it is very selfish of him to expect any woman to be fine with that. He is already manipulating how you think about the situation by saying there is a possibility he could move out if he met someone - already agreed with his wife. Green light for you. On the other hand, he'd "die" if he had to actually move out...preparing you for the fact it will probably never happen.

doubter

miamee wrote: »

Even if it is all as he says (and that is debatable), are you willing to get involved with someone who has no intention of moving beyond the dating stage until his youngest child is grown up....in about 10 years?

That is an awful lot to ask of anyone and I think it is very selfish of him to expect any woman to be fine with that. He is already manipulating how you think about the situation by saying there is a possibility he could move out if he met someone - already agreed with his wife. Green light for you. On the other hand, he'd "die" if he had to actually move out...preparing you for the fact it will probably never happen.

That's kind of what i'm thinking as well-it's just good to hear that from a third party..I'm better off stopping this before it goes any further...

Magicmatilda

Without getting into the morality of having a relationship with a married man or indeed of involving his children in finding out if he sleeps separately, I would ask you this: Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who isn't 100% committed to you? Is that what you were looking for on this site? because if it is not and if you want a fully committed relationship then you need to walk away. He is being open with you that he is going to decieve his wife (regarding having another partner) in order to get his own way with no regards for her feelings, or the reprecussions of being "caught", sounds selfish to me.

Also perhaps his wife thinks they are still working on their relationship and this sleeping in separate rooms is a temporary thing, if it is even the case.

Is this child of his aware that her parents are separated?

Sounds like an extremely messy situation and not one I want to be involved in. There are other men out there.

doubter

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Without getting into the morality of having a relationship with a married man or indeed of involving his children in finding out if he sleeps separately, I would ask you this: Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who isn't 100% committed to you? Is that what you were looking for on this site? because if it is not and if you want a fully committed relationship then you need to walk away. He is being open with you that he is going to decieve his wife (regarding having another partner) in order to get his own way with no regards for her feelings, or the reprecussions of being "caught", sounds selfish to me.

Also perhaps his wife thinks they are still working on their relationship and this sleeping in separate rooms is a temporary thing, if it is even the case.

Is this child of his aware that her parents are separated?

Sounds like an extremely messy situation and not one I want to be involved in. There are other men out there.

I agree with you. i just needed to hear it from someone else. I have thought about it of course, otherwise i wouldn't have verified his statement. I don't know if his children know their parents are not 'together' in that sense, but when i was 16, and my parents were sleeping in different rooms, i'd know something was amiss. Either way, am walking away from it.

tcif

So he has one 'arrangement' with his wife and now he wants to have another 'arrangement' with you... Seriously? Walk away. Run away!

CaraMay

How old are you if a close friend of yours is friends with his 16 year old?

andreac

CaraMay wrote: »

How old are you if a close friend of yours is friends with his 16 year old?

Its her friends daughter that's friends with his daughter.

CaraMay

andreac wrote: »

Its her friends daughter that's friends with his daughter.

Ok. Op it's very very wrong to involve his daughter and her friend. Have you no conscience about how much it might have hurt or embarrassed his daughter to admit they were in separate rooms?!?!? Also your friends son is probably wondering why you were asking about this mans sleeping arrangements.

I know couples who live like that but you need to Walk away as you have already shown yourself incapable of being discreet and being able to handle the situation.

I really can't believe you involved the daughter - very psycho especially considering you have never even met him.

doubter

CaraMay wrote: »

Ok. Op it's very very wrong to involve his daughter and her friend. Have you no conscience about how much it might have hurt or embarrassed his daughter to admit they were in separate rooms?!?!? Also your friends son is probably wondering why you were asking about this mans sleeping arrangements.

I know couples who live like that but you need to Walk away as you have already shown yourself incapable of being discreet and being able to handle the situation.

I really can't believe you involved the daughter - very psycho especially considering you have never even met him.

I do resent that. I have not explained how she found out and neither do i want to.rest assured it was nothing in the way you seem to have in mind.And my friend has no son, no idea where you get that from.don't judge until you know ALL the facts

Idle Passerby

Sleeping in separate rooms doesn't automatically mean they are separated. If this is how they have done it for years, there would be no reason for the kids to think anything was amiss, They would assume that's just how their parents roll.

All the caveats he has put in place are red flags, he's dangling the carrot of a relationship while simultaneously preparing you for hanging on as the other woman for years to come.

The "arrangement" with his wife sounds ridiculous. According to him they are separated but he's not allowed to start seeing anyone else or he'll be kicked out? It sounds like bs.

CaraMay

doubter wrote: »

I do resent that. I have not explained how she found out and neither do i want to.rest assured it was nothing in the way you seem to have in mind.And my friend has no son, no idea where you get that from.don't judge until you know ALL the facts

Wtf??? You should not be involving his kids.

doubter

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Sleeping in separate rooms doesn't automatically mean they are separated. If this is how they have done it for years, there would be no reason for the kids to think anything was amiss, They would assume that's just how their parents roll.

All the caveats he has put in place are red flags, he's dangling the carrot of a relationship while simultaneously preparing you for hanging on as the other woman for years to come.

The "arrangement" with his wife sounds ridiculous. According to him they are separated but he's not allowed to start seeing anyone else or he'll be kicked out? It sounds like bs.

never thought of it like that. Anyway, messaged him earlier to contact me again when he's single..that should close it.

Czarcasm

doubter wrote: »

never thought of it like that. Anyway, messaged him earlier to contact me again when he's single..that should close it.

That's about it OP. Whatever arrangement he has with his wife should be irrelevant to you. Let him reel someone else into his mess, because once you settle for sharing him with his wife, he has no motivation to leave her to be in a full and committed relationship with you.

catonthewire

Take advice from one who made the mistake of going down this road...

Run fast!!!!
You will end up taking the blame , when your relationship ends, and it will..
His children and family will blame you, he will eventually walk away from the mess, the victim of a marriage wrecker ( you ) and your heart will be broken..

Leave him and his problems in the past...

beks101

Is his wife up to speed on this alleged "arrangement"??

That's the first thing that sprung to mind on reading your post.
I'd put 10 to 1 on him playing happy families af home while lining up women on dating sites for a bit of fun and games on the side without his wife having any clue.
Red flag central. If you have any dignity and self respect you'll walk away and forget the vague hint of a half "offer" this guy is putting on the table.

lazybones32

Avoid like the plague!

Even if he's split from his wife, you will be the source of stress and trouble in the family by being the "other woman".

Regarding you and him: you will probably be little more than his mistress; he's getting fed and laundry done at home and you could get to be "the One" to fulfill another need. He has a cake and just needs icing...