Walking away from a relationship

now online

Ok I have a friend, (honestly not me) she's with her partner 11 years they have a 5 year old kid. I met up with her friday night and over a few she told me she's breaking up with her other half.

I was blown away, I honestly thought they were a happy ever after couple. Her partner is adorable a real salt of the earth type. Works hard, loves their daughter and worships the ground she walks on. (Easy on the eyes too)

I asked her was he having an affair? He's not Was she? Nope

To cut it short her reason is she's falling out of love with him. Now ffs at this stage I wanted to slap her myself , I'm married to my dh 14 years and at times I'm sure like every other couple we plod along. Its not all champagne and Roses. I do love him (most of the time!) and him me. But yes there are times we annoy the crap out of each other too. I said to her if she doesn't work at her relationship then what does she expect?

As it is she is moving out at the end of next week and taking their daughter with her! He's walking around like he's been hit by a 40 foot and for what? Fireworks? Imo you take the good with the bad.

I feel devastated she could do this and honestly believe she's being a selfish bitch ( I don't say that lightly) we are best friends for over 20 years.

So ok, what do you think? Is she right to shatter a perfect family unit cause she's "fallen out of love?" Her daughter while yes is still very young will be devastated. My own dh too they are drinking buddies.
I have taken this very personally and can't believe she can do this.

Opinions please.

Chet T16

Stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of the family unit? F*ck that. Fair play to her for having the balls to do it.

now online

Chet T16 wrote: »

Stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of the family unit? F*ck that. Fair play to her for having the balls to do it.

Would you not think they had something once and if they both wworked at it they can get it back?

Imo she's taking the easy way out and shattering lives in the process.

keith16

now online wrote: »

Works hard, loves their daughter and worships the ground she walks on. (Easy on the eyes too)

Chet T16 wrote: »

Stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of the family unit? F*ck that. Fair play to her for having the balls to do it.

That doesn't sound loveless to me. Just some wagon who thinks she's in an episode of Sex and the City.

drumswan

Sure why wouldnt she leave if she fancied it, she'll get everything - kids, house and maintenance. She can pick up a new bit of fluff too.

Balmed Out

As an aside possibly just my experience but anyone think the shorter a relationship the more likely the man is to break it up but the longer relationship the more likely the woman is to ?

Renegade Mechanic

Chet T16 wrote: »

Stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of the family unit? F*ck that. Fair play to her for having the balls to do it.

To do what? Take the easy way out? FFS, Sticking it through is what most responsible adults will do for their children. Its a commitment you dont just give up on without a much, much better reason than this. Fully agree with op.

ballsymchugh

what's a dh?

Tasden

If you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone I think you owe it to yourself to do it with someone you actually love, not just plod along with someone who is great in theory but you're not all that fussed about. And he deserves somebody who loves him and is excited to spend their life with him, not someone who stays cause hes the best of a bad bunch.
Also, leaving is not taking the easy way out.

Calina

now online wrote: »

Ok I have a friend, (honestly not me) she's with her partner 11 years they have a 5 year old kid. I met up with her friday night and over a few she told me she's breaking up with her other half.

I was blown away, I honestly thought they were a happy ever after couple. Her partner is adorable a real salt of the earth type. Works hard, loves their daughter and worships the ground she walks on. (Easy on the eyes too)

I asked her was he having an affair? He's not Was she? Nope

To cut it short her reason is she's falling out of love with him. Now ffs at this stage I wanted to slap her myself , I'm married to my dh 14 years and at times I'm sure like every other couple we plod along. Its not all champagne and Roses. I do love him (most of the time!) and him me. But yes there are times we annoy the crap out of each other too. I said to her if she doesn't work at her relationship then what does she expect?

As it is she is moving out at the end of next week and taking their daughter with her! He's walking around like he's been hit by a 40 foot and for what? Fireworks? Imo you take the good with the bad.

I feel devastated she could do this and honestly believe she's being a selfish bitch ( I don't say that lightly) we are best friends for over 20 years.

So ok, what do you think? Is she right to shatter a perfect family unit cause she's "fallen out of love?" Her daughter while yes is still very young will be devastated. My own dh too they are drinking buddies.
I have taken this very personally and can't believe she can do this.

Opinions please.

Please don't take this the wrong way but actually, taking it personally and looking at it from your point of view is utterly selfish.

If she wants to leave, then perhaps you might want to consider the possibility that it's only perfect from the outside. It's clearly not perfect for her. Why should she stay in a relationship which is wrong for her just to line up with your perception of what's perfect?

The perception that people who walk away from relationships that are not working for them are just giving up is pernicious. Your response was to want to slap her. Your response should be to face the fact that you just don't understand. Your assumption that she has not worked at her relationship is borderline insulting.

My opinion is you could be a bit more supportive to a friend of yours who has made what is, in the main, an absolutely huge decision regarding her life. No one makes decisions which will cause major disruption lightly and someone who has been with another person 11 years has been with them long enough to know whether it's just a bad patch or not.

Czarcasm

You're absolutely right OP. Your so-called "best friend" should stay with her husband because it upsets your apple cart if she leaves. She needs your judgment now more than ever, sure what would she ever need with your support...

And she's the selfish bitch?

Calina

ballsymchugh wrote: »

what's a dh?

darling husband.

DS darling son

DD darling daughter.

Occasionally dear rather than darling.

desertcircus

If you want out of a relationship, you want out. I don't know this woman, so I'm not in a position to judge her decision, but if my fiancee decides in ten years that she no longer loves me and never will again, then I hope for both our sakes that she does something about it instead of plodding along, burying her unhappiness and resenting me more every day.

Muise...

Why does it bother you so much? It's no reflection on you and your marriage.

drumswan

desertcircus wrote: »

If you want out of a relationship, you want out.

I remember kids used to be a consideration in these things

caustic 1

Salt of the earth might be great on the outside but behind closed doors could be a different story. Sorry but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Swampy

What has after hours come to?

mickydoomsux

ballsymchugh wrote: »

what's a dh?

Designated hitter.

This thread is about baseball now.

Sunnyisland

IMO there are to many relationships staying together for the sake of the children,thinking maybe albeit with good intentions that the children don't notice the tension/unhappiness that is going on around them.they do notice.
If the lady has really fallen out of love and is totally unhappy,and they have tried different ways of being compatible, then time to move on,it's not easy but sometimes it's the only happy way for all concerned.

Chet T16

Renegade Mechanic wrote: »

To do what? Take the easy way out? FFS, Sticking it through is what most responsible adults will do for their children. Its a commitment you dont just give up on without a much, much better reason than this. Fully agree with op.

I would be far happier if my kids could see both their parents living happy lives even if we weren't together.

Or maybe I should still be trying to patch things up with that girl I went out with when I was 12

Sierrafrost

Chet T16 wrote: »

Stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of the family unit? F*ck that. Fair play to her for having the balls to do it.

Most long term relationships go stale after a while. Breaking up a family unit because she doesn't get "butterflies" thinking about her husband anymore is selfish on her daughter.

Sierrafrost

Chet T16 wrote: »

I would be far happier if my kids could see both their parents living happy lives even if we weren't together.

Or maybe I should still be trying to patch things up with that girl I went out with when I was 12

How happy will the Father be that he can't see his daughter everyday? He'll be miserable.

Renegade Mechanic

Chet T16 wrote: »

I would be far happier if my kids could see both their parents living happy lives even if we weren't together.

Or maybe I should still be trying to patch things up with that girl I went out with when I was 12

Nah, Id bend over backwards to make things as happy as possible for both oh and kid(s) till they got old enough and then go our separate ways if still needed.

Sierrafrost

realies wrote: »

IMO there are to many relationships staying together for the sake of the children,thinking maybe albeit with good intentions that the children don't notice the tension/unhappiness that is going on around them.they do notice.
If the lady has really fallen out of love and is totally unhappy,and they have tried different ways of being compatible, then time to move on,it's not easy but sometimes it's the only happy way for all concerned.

The problem here is no one has defined what "falling out of love" is. It could simply be she doesn't feel the same excitement as she used to around her husband so she defines that as "falling out of love". Which is ridiculous as it's perfectly normal, then every family would have to split up.

drumswan

Sierrafrost wrote: »

How happy will the Father be that he can't see his daughter everyday? He'll be miserable.

Exactly, the mother gets to live her happy new life, everyone else here suffers.

iwantmydinner

Why on earth would you take it personally??

Wibbs

keith16 wrote: »

That doesn't sound loveless to me. Just some wagon who thinks she's in an episode of Sex and the City.

IMH there's something to this, though I'd not be as blunt about it. We have been fed a line by the media/culture of happy ever after and the right to happiness and hollywood romance and fireworks. This does lead some to become more self centered and these days the ramifications for leaving a marriage are significantly less than in the past(particularly for women).

Balmed Out wrote:

As an aside possibly just my experience but anyone think the shorter a relationship the more likely the man is to break it up but the longer relationship the more likely the woman is to ?

Yea I've noticed that one too. Men are more likely to walk early on, often very early on, within the "honeymoon" period(under three years). Just my humble, but I reckon it's because the guy hasn't actually fallen in love. If he has he normally stays around. In general more women leave relationships. Stats across the world show this*. Where divorce is available something like 2/3rds of the time it's the woman filing. And that's in relationships where the "ultimate" cultural step of marriage has been taken. In pre marriage relationships I'd bet the percentage holds or is even higher.

Why? Women are more invested in relationships(not just romantic). They discuss them more and are culturally and peer defined by them more. They drive them more too. In the majority of cases women instigate the first exchange(albeit subtly) and move the relationship along. They're more aware of the stages of a romantic relationship and again are more likely to drive each stage along, from dating, to moving in together, engagement, marriage kids etc. Men in general tend to go along for the ride(no pun). So it makes sense that when relationships are ending it's because the woman feels it's ending.

Of course these are major generalisations. I certainly have known men who wanted to tick the culturally appropriate relationship boxes, but as a general thing the ladies run the show.





*in the western nations anyway.

Muise...

Sierrafrost wrote: »

The problem here is no one has defined what "falling out of love" is. It could simply be she doesn't feel the same excitement as she used to around her husband so she defines that as "falling out of love". Which is ridiculous as it's perfectly normal, then every family would have to split up.

I think the problem here is that no one knows this woman's reasons - all we have is a second-hand account from her "friend" who has defined her as a selfish bitch, and we're assuming that our own sore experiences of being dumped apply here.

Tombo2001

now online wrote: »

Ok I have a friend, (honestly not me) she's with her partner 11 years they have a 5 year old kid. I met up with her friday night and over a few she told me she's breaking up with her other half.

I was blown away, I honestly thought they were a happy ever after couple. Her partner is adorable a real salt of the earth type. Works hard, loves their daughter and worships the ground she walks on. (Easy on the eyes too)

I asked her was he having an affair? He's not Was she? Nope

To cut it short her reason is she's falling out of love with him. Now ffs at this stage I wanted to slap her myself , I'm married to my dh 14 years and at times I'm sure like every other couple we plod along. Its not all champagne and Roses. I do love him (most of the time!) and him me. But yes there are times we annoy the crap out of each other too. I said to her if she doesn't work at her relationship then what does she expect?

As it is she is moving out at the end of next week and taking their daughter with her! He's walking around like he's been hit by a 40 foot and for what? Fireworks? Imo you take the good with the bad.

I feel devastated she could do this and honestly believe she's being a selfish bitch ( I don't say that lightly) we are best friends for over 20 years.

So ok, what do you think? Is she right to shatter a perfect family unit cause she's "fallen out of love?" Her daughter while yes is still very young will be devastated. My own dh too they are drinking buddies.
I have taken this very personally and can't believe she can do this.

Opinions please.

I honestly think we are going to see this more and more.

I think an awful lot of women are in a relationship primarily because they want to have children, and once they have the child and once they find themselve in a situation where they are not happy in a relationship, they will walk. They have no reason to be there.

They will do this knowing that the legal system will come down on their side.

It will become more and more socially 'normal' unless the legal system recognises both parents as being equal partners, and gives both equal rights and equal access.

mickydoomsux

Your friend is probably just looking for a go on a strange mickey.

Maybe that would fix her.

AlanG

desertcircus wrote: »

If you want out of a relationship, you want out.

True, but she is also deciding to break up / alter the relationship between the child and father. What about the love there. She may well be forcing the child away from a father she loves.
Most good parents put up with lots of things they don't like for the sake of their kids. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors but on the basis of the OPs report it seems that a lot more work and counseling should be tried before removing the child from her father.

Sierrafrost

I'm in a long term relationship where the sex is all but dead. We have a 3 year old daughter. She is the happiest little child I have ever seen. She's amazing. If I left the relationship and moved out it would devastate her, it would be purely putting my selfish needs ahead of the happiness of my daughter.That's why I'd never ever do that.

Knex*

Calina wrote: »

darling husband.

DS darling son

DD darling daughter.

Occasionally dear rather than darling.

I shuddered a little reading that.

Perhaps its just me, but there's something about the word, "darling", that I really dislike.

Tombo2001

Tasden wrote: »

If you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone I think you owe it to yourself to do it with someone you actually love, not just plod along with someone who is great in theory but you're not all that fussed about. And he deserves somebody who loves him and is excited to spend their life with him, not someone who stays cause hes the best of a bad bunch.
Also, leaving is not taking the easy way out.

Would you not be able to work that out before you have a child together?

I think you should be able to.

floggg

now online wrote: »

Ok I have a friend, (honestly not me) she's with her partner 11 years they have a 5 year old kid. I met up with her friday night and over a few she told me she's breaking up with her other half.

I was blown away, I honestly thought they were a happy ever after couple. Her partner is adorable a real salt of the earth type. Works hard, loves their daughter and worships the ground she walks on. (Easy on the eyes too)

I asked her was he having an affair? He's not Was she? Nope

To cut it short her reason is she's falling out of love with him. Now ffs at this stage I wanted to slap her myself , I'm married to my dh 14 years and at times I'm sure like every other couple we plod along. Its not all champagne and Roses. I do love him (most of the time!) and him me. But yes there are times we annoy the crap out of each other too. I said to her if she doesn't work at her relationship then what does she expect?

As it is she is moving out at the end of next week and taking their daughter with her! He's walking around like he's been hit by a 40 foot and for what? Fireworks? Imo you take the good with the bad.

I feel devastated she could do this and honestly believe she's being a selfish bitch ( I don't say that lightly) we are best friends for over 20 years.

So ok, what do you think? Is she right to shatter a perfect family unit cause she's "fallen out of love?" Her daughter while yes is still very young will be devastated. My own dh too they are drinking buddies.
I have taken this very personally and can't believe she can do this.

Opinions please.

My good lord god.

Your friends relationship is breaking up and for some reasons you manage to make yourself the one to take things personally.

It's **** all to do with you so either be a friend to her and support her through it, be a friend to him and support him through it or butt the **** out.

And it's extremely naive of you to compare your relationship where you say you mostly love him (which means you still love him even if he pisses you off a bit) to one where she says she doesn't love him. Two extremely different situations.

Both she, her husband and their child deserve happiness and love. None of them are likely to really get it in a broken and unhappy home where the parents remain together just to appease busy body "friends" like you. They are all far better off if they can split now amicably and build new lives.

Trust me - parents staying together for the sake of it is rarely a good option for anybody. I know both my parents would probably have been better off apart.

Lots more here will likely tell you the same.

floggg

Renegade Mechanic wrote: »

To do what? Take the easy way out? FFS, Sticking it through is what most responsible adults will do for their children. Its a commitment you dont just give up on without a much, much better reason than this. Fully agree with op.

How in the hell do you know what she has or hasnt done to date.

Do you honestly agree after 11 years she broke up on a whim?

Tombo2001

floggg wrote: »

My good lord god.

Your friends relationship is breaking up and for some reasons you manage to make yourself the one to take things personally.

It's **** all to do with you so either be a friend to her and support her through it, be a friend to him and support him through it or butt the **** out.

And it's extremely naive of you to compare your relationship where you say you mostly love him (which means you still love him even if he pisses you off a bit) to one where she says she doesn't love him. Two extremely different situations.

Both she, her husband and their child deserve happiness and love. None of them are likely to really get it in a broken and unhappy home where the parents remain together just to appease busy body "friends" like you. They are all far better off if they can split now amicably and build new lives.

Trust me - parents staying together for the sake of it is rarely a good option for anybody. I know both my parents would probably have been better off apart.

Lots more here will likely tell you the same.

(I) OP is perfectly entitled to have an opinion.
(II) Big words, but you dont know because it didnt happen.

floggg

Muise... wrote: »

Why does it bother you so much? It's no reflection on you and your marriage.

Unless of course the relationship is founded on obligation not love.

Seeing others having the balls to walk away in that situation would likely make you feel a bit ****ty if you didn't have them yourself.

Renegade Mechanic

floggg wrote: »

How in the hell do you know what she has or hasnt done to date.

Do you honestly agree after 11 years she broke up on a whim?

I dont. But I still think she should stand her ground until the daughter is grown up. Or at least dont just take the child from and bleed him dry in order to allow him to see his daughter once a week.

Apologies for the delay in the closing post - I got called away right at the second I hit close!

I don't think we need this thread in AH. Fair enough a more general thread, but we can already see re reg trolls and the anti women posts creeping in and we all know how those threads tend to go.

I would suggest Relationship Issues OP, but I'm fairly sure that the rules state it has to be your own relationship you are asking about - no harm in reading their charter though to see if it is suitable.