Still waiting. Still hoping.

Fizzlesque

Hello fellow board users, I'm hoping, if possible, to get some thoughts from adoptees to help me while I wait for my daughter to feel ready to move our relationship along a little.

A bit of background:

I placed my daughter with an adopted family 25 years ago. The only reason I felt able to choose adoption was because the agency I am with advocate open and semi-open adoption. For the last 25 years I have remained in written contact with my daughter - letters and gifts for every birthday, as well as random times; starting school, leaving school, a few times when I traveled to distant countries etc. I have always made sure to maintain contact. Unfortunately, I discovered a few years ago that the early days letter weren't being passed on to her, but that's not the end of the world as the gifts were and the letters in later years were also.

I think about my daughter every day, and have thought about her every day since she was born. I didn't want to choose adoption but was persuaded (by my father) to consider it. When I learned about the option to remain in contact (letter-box contact) I moved one step closer towards making the choice I eventually did make, and agreed.

I had one stipulation, which was adhered to. This stipulation was that there would be no biological children and there would either be already adopted child(ren) or plans to adopt further child(ren). I was adamant I did not want my daughter to be an only child or to be an adopted child with siblings that were biological children of the parents.

A lovely family were found. An adopted boy, four years old, had been with them from babyhood. He was delighted to be gaining a little sister - I have an adorable photo of my (our) daughter, as a baby, laying on a bed beside her brother and him turning towards her with a look of pure love in his eyes. I was, and remain, delighted my daughter has a big brother to be her friend and...well, big brother.

Her parents have been true to their word and always sent me photographs and letters. I have always reciprocated. About seven or eight years ago my daughter wrote to me for the first time. I was on cloud nine for days, weeks, months. She has written to me a few times since then, short notes but gold to me. However, in the last four years I have heard nothing. Her mother, quite fairly and understandably, stopped being the one to send me correspondence and photos when my daughter became an adult.

I still send a letter and gift at birthday time, and try to accept the silence, but the truth is it's killing me. I know, when I apply cognitive logic to the situation, that my daughter needs (and deserves) time and space to arrive at a place where there may be space in her life for me, but the heart is often louder than the head and it bellows at me all the time. I want nothing more than to see my child again, hold her in my arms and tell her I love her and answer any questions she may have - even the hard ones.

I read this board from time to time, and am struck by how arduous a process it is for so many people to find their birth parents, to even get a starting point in their search. It breaks my heart to read of this reality for so many. I often wonder why my child appears (I accept I just don't know how she feels or how being adopted has affected her) to have little interest in reconnecting with me. I know time is important, and everyone must be allowed time to move at the pace that is right for them, but I miss her more than I can express and really want her to come back to me, sooner rather than later.

I cry a lot about it, and I cry like a wounded animal. I guess that's because I am a wounded animal. If I had any idea it was going to hurt as much as it has done, I would never had agreed to say goodbye. But, agree I did, and I hope with all the hope I can muster that my daughter has had a good and happy life.

I also hope, with all the hope I can muster, that she decides one day to come back to get to know me. I think we could have a very fun, very loving and very honest relationship one day. When she's ready.

I will be here waiting, for as long as I still have air in my lungs, to hold her in my arms again and tell her I love her, tell her I'm sorry and ask her if her life has been good and ask her if she is doing OK.

Hmmm...the background morphed into an ode to my child, as sometimes happens with me. I was wanting to ask if any adoptees had any insights to offer me with regard to how it feels to be the child. How confusing or scary or whatever, I don't know, it might be to know your birth mother is there, waiting in the wings. Do I just need to remain patient and keep waiting, or is it possible she's just not that interested in me and I have to learn to live with that. I know nobody can tell me what's in my daughter's head and heart, but any assistance to see things from 'the other side' would be greatly appreciated. I want to do this right, I just don't know what right is.

Sorry for long post, I need to get that as my signature because I always have to tack it onto the end of posts of this nature. Thanks for reading, any and all that have.

louisebyl

wow that is four years ago. I just read your post. I hope you have been in touch with your daughter since then. You were really speaking from the heart. My two very dear cousins were adopted and I know they are just part of our family. Their birth mothers could be waiting and wondering about them but we don't know. There are so many dynamics apart from you and her and even her adopted parents. It is a difficult wait but keep hope in your heart and the lines of communication open. Don't give up writing, even short little notes, cards, pictures. Keep sending them unconditionally and trusting that they are opening a door ever so slowly but steadily. Be grateful every day that you can reach your daughter,don't expect anything in return,just find joy in the giving and thankful that you can reach her. Best wishes.

Fizzlesque

louisebyl wrote: »

wow that is four years ago. I just read your post. I hope you have been in touch with your daughter since then. You were really speaking from the heart. My two very dear cousins were adopted and I know they are just part of our family. Their birth mothers could be waiting and wondering about them but we don't know. There are so many dynamics apart from you and her and even her adopted parents. It is a difficult wait but keep hope in your heart and the lines of communication open. Don't give up writing, even short little notes, cards, pictures. Keep sending them unconditionally and trusting that they are opening a door ever so slowly but steadily. Be grateful every day that you can reach your daughter,don't expect anything in return,just find joy in the giving and thankful that you can reach her. Best wishes.

Thank you for your lovely reply, Louise. I wrote this post yesterday, not four years ago (I think that's what you thought <--- there's a tongue twister ) and didn't expect any replies so soon. Neither did I realise there was as much traffic through this board as the number of reads/clicks at the side of the thread suggest. I half expected my thread to sit unread for some time, so, once again, thank you for your reply. I appreciate it a lot.

It is good for me to be reminded of the additional dynamics outside of myself and my daughter. Not that I wasn't aware of the rest of her adopted family, but it's no harm to be prompted to keep them in my mind too. That is definitely one of the kinds of things I was looking for when creating this thread. A friend of mine is adopted and when we meet she always asks me if I've had any news lately. I met her a few weeks ago and when she asked me my reply was "no, she's not in the least bit bothered about me" which, admittedly, was an emotional response because I don't doubt I figure somewhere, but the ongoing silence is upsetting me considerably. My friend was able to say a few kind and reassuring words to the contrary but it was a dinner party (and she was the host) so it wasn't the time or place to be having a hearty discussion of that nature.

I will keep the lines of communication open and trust that they are opening a door ever so slowly but steadily - that's solid advice, thanks.

I am, and have always been, grateful for that our situation is open. It breaks my heart to read all the searching stories here, and all the obstacles that have to be overcome, the dead ends, the stalling and other difficulties; sometimes just to get the search underway. I couldn't bear to think of my daughter having to battle round all those things just to find me. I worry that I'm too interested in a reunion and might be scaring her off. I hope not. I hope it's simply a matter of the time not yet being right. I will take your advice and find joy in the fact we can reach out to each other without first having to fight secretive forces for that very basic right.

Best wishes back to you too.

Hermy

Hi Fizzlesque,

I was adopted at about a year old. Adoption for me was a very positive experience. My family are wonderful and for most of my life I saw no need to seek out my biological mother. However, with all that has come out in recent years that changed and I began my search.
My search was not primarily motivated by a desire to meet my mother but rather a desire to take back my identity which had been stolen from me by church and state. Having traced my roots I am now just a step away from making contact with the person I am almost certain is my birth mother. I have still to take that next step but I’m satisfied that I have found her and that’s actually very reassuring for now.
Your daughter doesn’t have to take that next step as she already knows you’re out there and she knows you care. She also already has the love and security of her adopted family and it may be difficult for her to make room emotionally for another Mum in her life. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh – it’s not meant to be – but that’s kinda how I feel myself.
Although I’m not yet ready to meet my birth mother I would still like to know that she’s well. And I’d like her to know that I’ve been well too. Again, your daughter may not feel this way because you already have contact and between the jigs and the reels it seems that mostly everyone is well.

Mostly that is except for you. You obviously want much more than the odd exchange of letters and gifts and if you haven‘t already, I wonder is it time you told her in a letter what you want. I’m not sure how I’d feel in your daughters shoes receiving such a letter. It’s nice to be loved and wanted but in this situation that might be overwhelming. But despite that, I’d still suggest you write that letter.
Having written it, it’s then about whether to send it or not. I’m in a will I or won’t I situation myself at the moment so I can’t say. But consider where she’s at right now. If she’s studying for exams then it’s probably a bad time. But if she’s just sitting back enjoying the summer then maybe now is the ideal time. Of course now may not be the right time at all but only you can decide that.
The upshot is I really don’t know what you should do. Making your feelings known to her is not a bad thing – it’s a very good thing in my opinion – but it may not have the very good outcome you would wish for. And that’s the dilemma so many of us face.

Fizzlesque

Hi Hermy

Thanks a million for taking the time to write such a lovely reply. I am always heartened when I hear about adoption being a positive experience, and I'm delighted this was the case for you. Your comment about having room emotionally for another mum wasn't harsh - these are the things I have to be prepared to consider. I know her mother has told her that she will support her if she wants to meet me. I don't know if it was just words or if she meant it - there was a bit of a tricky patch a number of years ago and it dawned on me that her mother hadn't expected me to remain as involved as I have done. Her first child's birthmother chose not to keep in contact so she had years of being the mother of her new son with no birthmother around, and (I guess) she expected a similar situation when my daughter became her daughter. I have reached this conclusion based on few things that have happened over the years, it took a long time for the penny to drop, but when it did I, slowly, started to realise this might be a difficult area.

I think your suggestion to write a letter telling my daughter that I'd like more (obviously less crassly stated than that) is a good one. I write to her for her birthday anyway, so I wouldn't have to make it the entire reason for writing a letter, I could just include it within the rest. I had thought about being a bit more proactive a few years ago, and discussed it with the social worker from the agency (she's fantastic, I can call her up for a chat if I need to) and then I chickened out for fear of appearing too pushy.

I was heartened by your words "Making your feelings known to her is not a bad thing – it’s a very good thing in my opinion" because I really do want her to know. I accept that it may not have the outcome I am hoping for but it's better to try and fail than not try at all. I think I might be guilty of assuming she's aware of how I feel because I've always kept in touch, but I've never actually told her (in fact, I've always made sure to keep my letters free from the kind of intensity that bubbles away inside me for fear of being too much) so maybe it's time to be a bit more transparent.

Thank you for engaging with me and allowing me this space to talk freely. I am delighted you're so close to finding your birthmother and, when you feel ready to take that next step, I wish you all the joy in the world. I hope it turns out to be a happy story for all concerned.