Mentally afraid to have sex with women, anyway around this major issue for me ?

mistaken4321

Hi this problem has really effected/affected my life & the older I get the worse it gets

Anytime a girl gets close to me I push her away, so say after 2 or 3 dates with a girl I find that she might want to have sex I come up with an excuse & go home & stop contacting her, as if I go along with it there's probably a decent chance of having sex with the girl

I have tried being honest with women saying that I'm not ready for sex with them (sometimes I'd throw in that Im a virgin & sometimes I dont, varies from girl to girl) usually they just kind of laugh & I've to come up with some sort of an excuse. After that they dont contact me anymore

So its a no win catch 22 situation I always find myself in

It sometimes feels that sex is an obligation that I almost have no choice to do it, or otherwise im left on my own

Due to this I've never been in a relationship

I feel so ashamed & disgusted with myself for being a virgin, it really does hurt my confidence

What should I do ?

ongarboy

Do you actually have a physical urge or desire to have sex with these women or does the mental block kill that urge? Does the thought of having sex with women turn you on? Are you able to climax by yourself through masturbation? It would be good for you to rule out that you do not have erectile dysfunction or similar. You didn't mention if there are religious reasons but I don't think chastity is driving your current situation.

I would think that because you've placed so much weight and fear on the thought of having sex and misguided shame that you are a virgin, that it is preventing you from naturally getting comfortable and intimate with a girl. You can be intimate with them without going all the way. Why not start with kissing, cuddling, petting. This could evolve to just being naked together, whispering intimate things to each other, asking what turns eachother on and again without actually going all the way. All of this will make the girl feel included, wanted and desirable and which in itself is a major turn on. Perhaps this reciprocated activity will make you feel more turned on too and allow you to move to the next step but only because it feels right and your body and mind wants to do it.

mistaken4321

Yeah I do have a physical urge to have sex with with women, I dont have ED, & there are no religious reasons preventing me from having sex

Well yeah I do kiss women, & thats pretty much as far as i'll go, because I know in my head if I continue to go further than kissing especially after the 2nd or 3rd date that there might be a chance that leads onto something else which leads onto sex, but Im not ready for sex

It sounds like youre describing a situation as if I was lying in bed with a girl, getting naked together for example, I wouldn't physically allow myself to be alone in a room with a girl I was dating so naked together, whispering intimate things to each other, asking what turns each other on would never ever happen

IrishEyes19

I think you need to identify where the issues lie, op, for example: are you afraid that it won't be good and they will judge you, or does the idea of sex frighten you or seem strange. It might be worth trying counselling for a while, just to highlight where the problems are. if its merely being worried that you won't impress her, its something that you certainly work on. Most first times are not spectacular. wishing you the best of luck

Meauldsegosha

mistaken4321 wrote: »

but Im not ready for sex

How old are you OP?

mistaken4321

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I think you need to identify where the issues lie, op, for example: are you afraid that it won't be good and they will judge you, or does the idea of sex frighten you or seem strange. It might be worth trying counselling for a while, just to highlight where the problems are. if its merely being worried that you won't impress her, its something that you certainly work on. Most first times are not spectacular. wishing you the best of luck

Well that would be one reason, like that because I've no experience that I probably wont be any good, until I get some experience, and then Im assuming my confidence in bed would improve
This is why sometimes I feel the need to tell the girl Im a virgin, because if somehow I did end up in a situation where I was alone in a room with a girl about to have sex, she would expect me to the know the ropes & know exactly what to do, whereas I wouldnt have a clue what to do

Also about the "impress her" part is another worry for me, as I do have a few female friends & their relationships with other blokes didnt work out well for one reason or another, & they have let me know that their ex was crap in bed, & he only lasted 30 seconds or 2 minutes etc etc, and that they tell & slag their ex's off to their own close friends for being crap in bed, sounds bad from my female mates to say something like that but it does happen

mistaken4321

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

How old are you OP?

Early twenties, why ?

bee06

Sex is kind of a practice makes perfect thing to be honest. If the girl is worth your time she won't care that the first time is clumsy or quick or whatever. Even the first time between two people who are experienced might have those issues because everyone is different and likes different things and you just just have to get used to what the other person likes.

Meauldsegosha

mistaken4321 wrote: »

Early twenties, why ?

Well if you were a teenager and making the statement below it could be that they are feeling pressure from the peers to have sex. And I would tell them to relax and don't be forced into something they don't want or feel ready for.

mistaken4321 wrote: »

but Im not ready for sex

However at your age there probably isn't them same peer pressure and you would need to look at what other issued or influences are making you feel this way. Why do you not feel ready for sex?

Morag

What are you concerned will be the consequences if you try to have sex?

mistaken4321

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Well if you were a teenager and making the statement below it could be that they are feeling pressure from the peers to have sex. And I would tell them to relax and don't be forced into something they don't want or feel ready for.



However at your age there probably isn't them same peer pressure and you would need to look at what other issued or influences are making you feel this way. Why do you not feel ready for sex?

I do feel under pressure to have sex, not directly from my peers, but in other ways that involve & effect them so for example if a few of my mates male & female decide to go on holidays to santa ponsa or magaluf or whatever, I cant go, I come up with some excuse and I dont go

theres a few other instances & examples from just nights out in town like

nobody that knows me thinks Im a virgin

my peers themselves dont verbally put me under pressure to have sex, they do it in other ways without knowing, which isn't their fault or anything

it really can have an effect on my life


I dont have an actual answer for I why I feel im not ready for sex, Im not great with women
either in general even putting sex to one side, im not a woman magnet

I think theres a number of factors as to why I feel im not ready for sex & not just one thing

mistaken4321

Morag wrote: »

What are you concerned will be the consequences if you try to have sex?

In what sense ? Just before I'd about to have a sex ?

I always have a fear that because I've no experience and therefore I wouldnt know what to do or where to start, that the girl while lying on bed waiting would say to me "What are you doing ?" then I could see myself freezing whatever I actually was doing & pause, then im guessing she'd say something like "Do you not know what to do?"...

at this point I wouldnt just continue what I was doing as I was probably doing something wrong or doing something not well enough for her, at this point I might just fess up and kind of just admit I dont know what to do, & she might say "How come you dont know what to do?" "youre not a virgin are you?".. At this point I wouldnt know what to do, probably being scared to admit to being a virgin and getting laughed at, & probably too scared to continue what I was doing as I wasn't doing it right

So what I'd probably do at that stage is come up with some excuse off the top of my head, and probably go home

miamee

mistaken4321 wrote: »

I do feel under pressure to have sex, not directly from my peers, but in other ways that involve & effect them so for example if a few of my mates male & female decide to go on holidays to santa ponsa or magaluf or whatever, I cant go, I come up with some excuse and I dont go

theres a few other instances & examples from just nights out in town like

nobody that knows me thinks Im a virgin

my peers themselves dont verbally put me under pressure to have sex, they do it in other ways without knowing, which isn't their fault or anything

it really can have an effect on my life


I dont have an actual answer for I why I feel im not ready for sex, Im not great with women
either in general even putting sex to one side, im not a woman magnet

I think theres a number of factors as to why I feel im not ready for sex & not just one thing

If you are making excuses not to do things like go on holidays with your friends or to even be alone with a woman in a room then I really think you need to speak to someone...a counsellor, your GP, someone. These are enormous reactions on your part to very simple things, e.g. a holiday and it sounds as though if you leave this go unchecked/untreated, it is not a situation that is going to resolve itself naturally. It could make you very unhappy in the long run if it isn't already. You've already posted here so you know there is *something* not quite right, please explore that with your GP. Good luck

mistaken4321

miamee wrote: »

If you are making excuses not to do things like go on holidays with your friends or to even be alone with a woman in a room then I really think you need to speak to someone...a counsellor, your GP, someone. These are enormous reactions on your part to very simple things, e.g. a holiday and it sounds as though if you leave this go unchecked/untreated, it is not a situation that is going to resolve itself naturally. It could make you very unhappy in the long run if it isn't already. You've already posted here so you know there is *something* not quite right, please explore that with your GP. Good luck

Are they really enormous reactions though, they may seem very simple things for everyone but to me its a bit of a hurdle

If my issue was actually going to resolve itself naturally, how do you think it would do so ?
Would there be another way around for me getting over this issue other than going to counseling ?

I got counseling and was assessed when I was teen for other things and it didn't help me, it didnt hinder me either, it just kind of stayed the same

So Im a bit sceptical of counseling or going to my gp, obviously if it was a physical issue or a body issue that was preventing me from having sex Id go to a doctor, but this isn't the case so

diveout

mistaken4321 wrote: »

Are they really enormous reactions though, they may seem very simple things for everyone but to me its a bit of a hurdle

If my issue was actually going to resolve itself naturally, how do you think it would do so ?
Would there be another way around for me getting over this issue other than going to counseling ?

I got counseling and was assessed when I was teen for other things and it didn't help me, it didnt hinder me either, it just kind of stayed the same

So Im a bit sceptical of counseling or going to my gp, obviously if it was a physical issue or a body issue that was preventing me from having sex Id go to a doctor, but this isn't the case so

The only way to get past fear is to ignore it. Do you remember diving for the first time or taking of your training wheels? I remember it vividly, they call it "bracing yourself" for a reason. Just block it out. Do some scary things first so you can practise ignoring your fear. You can't bring that level of anxiety into a bedroom, it transmits through the skin.

miamee

mistaken4321 wrote: »

Are they really enormous reactions though, they may seem very simple things for everyone but to me its a bit of a hurdle
- Preventing yourself ever going on holidays with your friends because of the slim chance that you might meet, get along with and have the (unwanted) chance to have sex with some girl you've never met. Unless you hate the idea of holidays with your friends for other reasons, yes I would think this is a big reaction to a potentially non-existent issue (as in, you might not meet anyone on hols)

If my issue was actually going to resolve itself naturally, how do you think it would do so ?
Would there be another way around for me getting over this issue other than going to counseling ?
A natural solution would be conquering your fear of sex yourself without any help - as diveout has suggested above

I got counseling and was assessed when I was teen for other things and it didn't help me, it didnt hinder me either, it just kind of stayed the same

So Im a bit sceptical of counseling or going to my gp, obviously if it was a physical issue or a body issue that was preventing me from having sex Id go to a doctor, but this isn't the case so

I'm assuming that the help you got was 7 or 8 years ago (going roughly by your age)? It might be time to try again

bee06

This issue isn't going to just go away ... It will probably get worse as you'll continue to build it up in your head so either you "feel the fear and do it anyway" which doesn't sound like it will happen or you look for help through counselling.

These thoughts that you have are completely normal btw, everyone thinks the same before they have sex. I know I did. The difference is most people don't let these fears stop them to the point where it even affects their life when it comes to holidays and going out.

Lou.m

mistaken4321 wrote: »

Hi this problem has really effected/affected my life & the older I get the worse it gets

Anytime a girl gets close to me I push her away, so say after 2 or 3 dates with a girl I find that she might want to have sex I come up with an excuse & go home & stop contacting her, as if I go along with it there's probably a decent chance of having sex with the girl

I have tried being honest with women saying that I'm not ready for sex with them (sometimes I'd throw in that Im a virgin & sometimes I dont, varies from girl to girl) usually they just kind of laugh & I've to come up with some sort of an excuse. After that they dont contact me anymore

So its a no win catch 22 situation I always find myself in

It sometimes feels that sex is an obligation that I almost have no choice to do it, or otherwise im left on my own

Due to this I've never been in a relationship

I feel so ashamed & disgusted with myself for being a virgin, it really does hurt my confidence

What should I do ?

OP you have NOTHING to be embarrassed or ashamed about Honest! You have done nothing wrong.

I am so sorry you have been living with a feeling like that. You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about.

Is it a certain act that you are worried about. I apologize for being graphic here I hope I don't offend you. Is it penetration or oral or parts of a woman's body or the close contact.

Are you ok with some sexual acts? Or is the the whole idea that upsets you?

The idea that you stop contacting someone because you are afraid you might end up having sex rather than simply openly communicate the issue to her is something you need to look at. Because it indicates you are a little phobic. You never have to do anything you are uncomfortable with and if i were going out with a guy I would never want to make him feel under that kind of pressure. I would hope he felt confident enough to tell me and I would understand.

I think you will find it easier to work through if you are honest and open about it and being open would also help you see that it is nothing to feel embarrassed about.

And of course the girl you tell would always I am sure respect your privacy and keep it between you two.

And don't worry I know a lot of men who fear or have certain fears about sex. And not all sex acts are for everyone. I have certain things I would not be into, everyone does.

Perhaps if you told a girl she and you could arrange to have a few nights where actual sex is not the goal but spend the night and sleep together just sleep. You could get used to being around her and physical contact.

I mean you could say you guys are going to go out for a few months and sex is not the goal or whatever. But you can work on physical affection.

Would you feel comfortable sleeping or being in the room with a woman if you knew that sex was not the goal and she was aware of the situation?

If you told a girl and she knew and knew it had to be when you were both comfortable it could at least get you over the hurdle of being afraid to date her and be with her etc.

Also is it specific things? How do you feel about a woman's body? I mean NOT having sex but just looking at it or touch. What point do you become uncomfortable?

If the boundary is physical contact do you know why?

If you told a girl you could say ok we are spending time together but no touchy :P It might help.

The fact that it prevents you being in the same room as a girl says it is a phobia and part of a wider issue and that is actually a good thing. Because it CAN be overcome.

Also I apologize if this is too personal ..but do you watch porn? If so how do you react and feel? If not why not?

And don't worry whatever happens it is NOTHING to be embarrassed about. It would be helpful if you could work on your self esteem. You have the right to feel good about you!

Confused12345

I feel your pain ... this was me for many years I had a fear about sex that I could not explain ... Was my body ok would he fancy me would I make mistakes and he would laugh I used every excuse I could think of not to get close to someone I missed many changes with some really good guys because I had all these things going on in my head the longer I left it the bigger a deal I made it , In the end when I was 30 I ended up having sex with a friend of mine I loved this man very much as a friend and was so happy he was the first person I had sex with , I went on to meet someone else after this and at first still had those worries
but I can honestly say I don't know what my worry was both of the men who had partners before me told me that they were also nerves before it that it's natural ......... I was lucky that my first time was with someone so understanding I had made such a big deal of it all in my head and it was controlling my whole life , I still am a bit nerves when I think of meeting new people and don't think i'll ever be a swing from the lights kind of girl but that's just me not anything to do with sex itself ..... speaking as someone that let it control my life for so long you will do it when your ready ( a bottle of wine inside me did help a bit) :-)
Part of me is sorry I didn't do it sooner but the other part of me thinks I done it when the time was right for me

Lou.m

mistaken4321 wrote: »

Well that would be one reason, like that because I've no experience that I probably wont be any good, until I get some experience, and then Im assuming my confidence in bed would improve
This is why sometimes I feel the need to tell the girl Im a virgin, because if somehow I did end up in a situation where I was alone in a room with a girl about to have sex, she would expect me to the know the ropes & know exactly what to do, whereas I wouldnt have a clue what to do

Also about the "impress her" part is another worry for me, as I do have a few female friends & their relationships with other blokes didnt work out well for one reason or another, & they have let me know that their ex was crap in bed, & he only lasted 30 seconds or 2 minutes etc etc, and that they tell & slag their ex's off to their own close friends for being crap in bed, sounds bad from my female mates to say something like that but it does happen

Don't worry about any of this ...seriously.

IrishEyes19

mistaken4321 wrote: »

Well that would be one reason, like that because I've no experience that I probably wont be any good, until I get some experience, and then Im assuming my confidence in bed would improve
This is why sometimes I feel the need to tell the girl Im a virgin, because if somehow I did end up in a situation where I was alone in a room with a girl about to have sex, she would expect me to the know the ropes & know exactly what to do, whereas I wouldnt have a clue what to do

Also about the "impress her" part is another worry for me, as I do have a few female friends & their relationships with other blokes didnt work out well for one reason or another, & they have let me know that their ex was crap in bed, & he only lasted 30 seconds or 2 minutes etc etc, and that they tell & slag their ex's off to their own close friends for being crap in bed, sounds bad from my female mates to say something like that but it does happen

OP, not a word of a lie and as cliche as it sounds, the right person would never slag someone for their performance in bed. if anything that type of slagging occurs to cover up deeper issues. Yes of course performance is important but thats more compatibility. if you find yourself alone with a girl, take it easy and let it lead to where it might go. the only thin g holding you back is your fear I think. And remember no decent person is going to care about you being a virgin. you dont have to tell them either unless you want to.

LegacyUser

I don't think there's necessarily something wrong with you - you might just not be ready yet! I didn't have sex til I was 22. For me, it was the perfect time, and I was completely ready then. Earlier, I'm not sure I would have been.

I have a friend who I think had fears like you. She was 24, and hadn't yet had sex. She built it up into this huge thing in her head. She was convinced that because many people were more experienced than her, she'd come across like an idiot and wouldn't know what to do. She went to bed with a guy and got panicked, was unable to go through with it. Two years later at 26 she met her first boyfriend. They progressed things gradually and now all is great in that area.

Maybe you just need time, and the right girl eventually!

Lou.m

I didn't have sex until I was in my early twenties OP.

It's not as rare as you think.

LegacyUser

mistaken4321 wrote: »

Hi this problem has really effected/affected my life & the older I get the worse it gets

Anytime a girl gets close to me I push her away, so say after 2 or 3 dates with a girl I find that she might want to have sex I come up with an excuse & go home & stop contacting her, as if I go along with it there's probably a decent chance of having sex with the girl

I have tried being honest with women saying that I'm not ready for sex with them (sometimes I'd throw in that Im a virgin & sometimes I dont, varies from girl to girl) usually they just kind of laugh & I've to come up with some sort of an excuse. After that they dont contact me anymore

So its a no win catch 22 situation I always find myself in

It sometimes feels that sex is an obligation that I almost have no choice to do it, or otherwise im left on my own

Due to this I've never been in a relationship

I feel so ashamed & disgusted with myself for being a virgin, it really does hurt my confidence

What should I do ?

I met my boyfriend in college, and he was a virgin. In fact, he'd never gone further than kissing before he met me. He did tell me before we slept together, and he was clearly very embarrassed about it, but it honestly didn't bother me at all. We just took it slow and did other intimate stuff for a few weeks before we actually had sex - we decided it would be a good idea to wait a while and get used to each other's bodies rather than ploughing straight into intercourse.

He said the main things he was concerned about regarding sex were his penis size and that he wouldn't know what to do/I wouldn't enjoy it. It turned out that his penis was a normal size, and while the first time we had sex was fairly quick I still enjoyed it. He's the most considerate lover I've ever had because he cares about what I like, and the only one I've had an orgasm with.

Anyway, I suppose my main points would be - you have nothing to be ashamed of, there are more virgins your age than you probably realise because it's not really something people talk about, don't feel you have to rush straight into actual sex with a girl as there's other stuff you can do together first (hands, oral etc), and if you do end up going for sex just ask the girl to show you what she likes. Also, not all girls tell all their friends a blow-by-blow account of sexual encounters or slag off the guys they've slept with - I certainly never have (which is part of why I'm going anon with this post!) Wait until you're with someone you like and trust.