Am I being unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Ok so last week I find out that I am going to be a dad again with my current girlfriend. This should be great news but no, after a couple of hours of letting the news sink in I tried to talk to my partner about everything, the first thing I mentioned was that I would like her to live with me so I can take care of my family.

Straight away that was rejected, no discussion about it, she has made her mind up that she will never move down to me and she wants to be around her family. If I want to be involved in bringing up the baby then I have to move to suit her. Now if I were to move to her there are plenty of complications, 1: I wouldnt be able to afford rent for a house and commute to work (80+ miles each way and driving is the only option as its all down the sticks). 2: I can't just give up my job and get a job anywhere else as I already have a child from a previous relationship so have maintenance etc to pay.

Nothing else was discussed because it annoyed me so much that she doesnt realise all I want to do is be involved. Now im getting told by her that im been unreasonable and a horrible person (even her family agree apparently).
I really am hurt by this and all im been told is how she is thinking of the baby and whats best for her and the baby and that my feelings dont matter in this at all.

Am i been unreasonable?

diveout

The first thing I'd have to ask is would you be able to support all of you on your salary. There are financial implications to co habitation. I'm assuming she is not employed in your area and would have to find work. Good luck getting a job while you are pregnant.... wont happen. No one wants to deal with a very obvious impending maternity leave.

Maybe she doesn't trust you enough to be dependent on you.

FairytaleGirl

In one word - yes.

To me your post comes across as 'baby on the way and girlfriend won't just slip into my lifestyle'

Take a moment and think. Your girlfriend is about to embark on a literally life changing journey. She will need her family around her, can you imagine how difficult it would be for her to settle into a new place with a new baby and cope on her own when you are away at work?

If I were you I would be looking for other jobs and moving closer to my partner and child. You will get another job, your child maintenance will be sorted accordingly.
I'm a little baffled to be honest as to why your not more ... Willing to at least compromise. I'm going to assume you dont see your other child. Raising a child is really less about money and more about being around.

If I were you I would apologise to your girlfriend and start to man up - you're going to be a father. Your child should be your number 1 priority, not your job/lifestyle.

diveout

FairytaleGirl wrote: »

In one word - yes.

To me your post comes across as 'baby on the way and girlfriend won't just slip into my lifestyle'

Take a moment and think. Your girlfriend is about to embark on a literally life changing journey. She will need her family around her, can you imagine how difficult it would be for her to settle into a new place with a new baby and cope on her own when you are away at work?

If I were you I would be looking for other jobs and moving closer to my partner and child. You will get another job, your child maintenance will be sorted accordingly.
I'm a little baffled to be honest as to why your not more ... Willing to at least compromise. I'm going to assume you dont see your other child. Raising a child is really less about money and more about being around.

If I were you I would apologise to your girlfriend and start to man up - you're going to be a father. Your child should be your number 1 priority, not your job/lifestyle.

I think this is a little unfair. OP has another child he has to sustain a relationship with too and provide for.

The job market is not alive and well, he can't just move somewhere and think he will get one.

Yes, true for kids, love is spelled T-I-M-E but for many men they say I LOVE YOU with what they can provide, which means money. That is their way of saying "I love you."

There just may be too many constraints here for all parties to come to a happy arrangement.

LegacyUser

FairytaleGirl wrote: »

In one word - yes.

To me your post comes across as 'baby on the way and girlfriend won't just slip into my lifestyle'

Take a moment and think. Your girlfriend is about to embark on a literally life changing journey. She will need her family around her, can you imagine how difficult it would be for her to settle into a new place with a new baby and cope on her own when you are away at work?

If I were you I would be looking for other jobs and moving closer to my partner and child. You will get another job, your child maintenance will be sorted accordingly.
I'm a little baffled to be honest as to why your not more ... Willing to at least compromise. I'm going to assume you dont see your other child. Raising a child is really less about money and more about being around.

If I were you I would apologise to your girlfriend and start to man up - you're going to be a father. Your child should be your number 1 priority, not your job/lifestyle.

Ok to add some more weight to the argument, she lives with her mother who is gone from the house from approx 5am in the morning until 7-8pm in the evening. Her mother would be in bed and all at about 9pm the latest at night. The rest of her family live the other side of the country to her.

The issues with getting another job is that I am in a good job now (with the possibility of transfering to another dept around the country but that could take a long time). Her suggestion was to give up my job and setup a Facebook page and work from that, how am i to provide for a family with no income?

Your assumption about me seeing my other child is completely wrong, I see him every week and we have a great relationship, we are more like friends than father and son.

Yes my child is my number 1 concern, both of them are my number 1 concern hence why I would like that she moves down to me so I can bring my child up as I have already reared 1 child and this will be her first.

The part I have bolded: I know it isnt about the money and I want to be around but in order to provide for a family you need an income which I already have. She is refusing to even discuss living with me and letting me help raise my child and let me be in their life more. She is perfectly fine with me only seeing the child at weekends etc.

December2012

I don't think this is something you can decide in one conversation. You have to assess the whole situation and look at every aspect.

Separately, if you and your son are more friends than father and son you're doing your job as a parent wrong. Your child doesn't need you as a friend. They need you as a father.

Teyla Emmagan

I am assuming the pregnancy was unexpected, given you don't seem to have discussed any of these logistics previously.

So you are in a relationship, but not living together, and now you're going to move in and become a family because she's pregnant. Would this have been on the cards unless she got pregnant? Because she seems to have a plan in mind, regardless of what you decide to do. Are they two of you in the right place to be raising a kid together?

How old is your first child? You say he's already been reared, so would he be affected very badly if you were to move away? Is your girlfriend working?

Sounds like a big chat is on the cards when the dust settles. And it doesn't matter a toss what her family think btw.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

I don't think this is something you can decide in one conversation. You have to assess the whole situation and look at every aspect.

Separately, if you and your son are more friends than father and son you're doing your job as a parent wrong. Your child doesn't need you as a friend. They need you as a father.

Yes it cant be decided in one conversation but that is exactly what she has done. She has said she has made up her mind and that is final, no more to say about the subject, no more conversation about the subject. I want to actually have a conversation about it but she will not allow it so what can i do, allow her to dictate to me?

I assure you im not doing my job as a parent wrong. It just so happens that we are actually that close that it seems that way. I am there as a father to him all the time aswell.

Rubberchikken

you both need to talk calmly.
put each other aside at some stage and start thinking about a life that's been created.
you have 1 child and you seem to be doing right by them and i realise you want to do the same for the 2nd, but it's going to take compromising.
only you can decide if you're up to that.

LegacyUser

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I am assuming the pregnancy was unexpected, given you don't seem to have discussed any of these logistics previously.

So you are in a relationship, but not living together, and now you're going to move in and become a family because she's pregnant. Would this have been on the cards unless she got pregnant? Because she seems to have a plan in mind, regardless of what you decide to do. Are they two of you in the right place to be raising a kid together?

How old is your first child? You say he's already been reared, so would he be affected very badly if you were to move away? Is your girlfriend working?

Sounds like a big chat is on the cards when the dust settles. And it doesn't matter a toss what her family think btw.

Yes the pregnancy was unexpected.

Yes i had asked her to move in with me before now and got a flat out refusal.

My first child is 14 now and as it stands he lives away from me now but its manageable.

She isnt working and her dream come true is to be a stay at home mum.

I know it doesnt matter what they think but they will have a big bearing on the outcome of this as she values their opinion more than mine. I have tried talking to her but she wont discuss anything.

Lux23

I think you need to support her on this decision for now and help her through the pregnancy, deciding to live together just because of the baby may be stressful in the beginning so stay where you are and see her and the child when you can.

Chara1001

Was your relationship in trouble before your gf became pregnant? Just because to me, it sounds like either a very new relationship or an unsuccessful one.

I understand your position entirely, but if your gf is working, there's no chance of her finding a job here while being pregnant- zero.
But at the same time, her unwillingness to move to you makes it seem as though things between you aren't good. Look- there's a very good chance she's panicking at the moment and from the sounds of it, she needs her family and their support more than yours. Why is this?
you need to give her time without any pressure. I guarantee if you try to push it, it will not go your way.

You speak about what you want and give many good reasons as to why you feel you have to stay where you are, but you don't say a word about your relationship, or if you love her, or anything-
if its not going well op, she's not going to move herself and the baby from where she feels supported into an uncertain and potentially unhappy living situation with you because it's logistically better for you.

I dunno op, most of us single mothers don't aim to be that way, its just the relationship hasn't worked for whatever reason. Your gf's stance at the moment could be simply from panic, uncertainty or whatever, i'm just guessing here about the status of your relationship but my advice to you is to be very calm when you speak to her, do not push her, give her time, patience, support, visit her (without pressure), invite her to visit you (without pressure). Build something before you start talking and as another poster said- this is not a one conversation thing, it will take time.

And compromise

Milly33

Something that should have been sorted out long before bringing another child into the world but that never changes..

Cant help but thinking are you sure this child is yours? If she is being completely unreasonable and not wanting to shift any-way then I would be asking myself why??

If her dream is to be a stay at home mum then would this not be ideal for her? she can stay at home in a place ye can afford with your support and the baby would have a father and mother together, and also not being selfish and taking you away from your other child.

Sick of people who act all surprised by peoples commitment to their kids, lets say in your situation where she knew you had a child when she met you, why is she surprised that you want to stand by that child..If anything she should be very proud that you are sticking by your first child and asking questions like this, you should be too well done to you..Although maybe stop having kids until your settled more..

Teyla Emmagan

I don't mean to be cruel, but are you sure she actually wants you to be with her because she loves you and wants you, or because she will need help when the baby comes? If she really wanted to be with you, I can't see why she wouldn't move, given that it doesn't really seem like she has that much support at home and isn't working. However if she doesn't see a future in it that makes total sense. Do you really think she wants a life with you? Again, apologies for second guessing your relationship, but as another poster said, there isn't a lot of talk of love here.

You have a few months to work it out anyway surely?

In any case, congratulations. You sound like you're already a good Dad.

Stavro Mueller

I don't think you're being unreasonable but are in a no-win situation. There's no magic wand to solve this unfortunately. To be honest it's your girlfriend who's coming across as immature and unreasonable. You didn't say how old she is but she's coming across like a stroppy 14 year old who's stamping her feet and running back to mammy for support.

If your girlfriend hadn't become pregnant, do you think that this relationship would've died a death because of her not wanting to move in with you? It is unrealistic to expect you to give up a good job especially when you've already got commitments. Why isn't your girlfriend working by the way? Did she ever work or is she happy to sit on the dole?

There's no real advice I can give you only to not do anything too hasty. I understand where you're coming from in terms of being there for your child. It takes two people to make a relationship work and the fact that your girlfriend doesn't want to play ball is ominous.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

TBH I really dont see it working out now, I spoke to her briefly today as she had a scan yesterday, she sent me a picture and all I could do was cry with happiness knowing that the baby is ok and all.

However she wants to post "Her GREAT news" on facebook, I have asked her not to as I haven't told all my family yet and I also haven't told my son as I want to sit him down and talk to him, I don't want him to feel like he will be out of place or anything. Shes going mad saying I have had a week to tell my family and if I don't she will. Now most of my family know but some are abroad at the moment so I would rather tell them myself instead of finding out on a social networking site. This really is looking like its going to end in disaster now.

cymbaline - the relationship would have died a death if she didn't move in with me as the way I look at it is why wouldn't she want to live with me if she loves me. She seems to be happy to just sponge off the dole alright.

Milly33

Well done to you for coming to terms properly with it and admitting that it wasn't going anywhere.. Sounds like she is being a selfish tool to put it nicely me me me.. You are better off not being involved with her if she is that kind of a person, and it is no place for a child to be either caught up in the middle of something like this..

Make sure and get your rights though if you want to see the new baby.. Ask for a paternity test and I know it sounds harsh saying go to court but at least if you do that, you have a structure she doesn't sounds like she would be very accommodating or honest with you about anything. Fathers always end up getting the short end of the stick in Ireland so don't be afraid to fight for your right to see the baby if that's how you want it to be

LegacyUser

I'm very sorry to see your latest reply OP

She sounds so, so, SO immature TBH. Way too immature to be having a child IMO.

Each to their own and all that but I HATE all that social networking crap. It's not the end of the world if she has to wait another week or 2 while you tell YOUR family. Cannot get my head around that. Feel very sorry for you knowing she is throwing a wobbler over something so ridiculous. My OH has an ex similar to herself. She told him that she wanted to be a housewife and didnt want to work etc.. him being an eejit (at only 20 years of age) used no protection and she became pregnant. After the baby was born she fecked off and hasnt been seen since, somewhere in Ireland claiming all her benefits. It's exactly what she wanted and my OH has a daughter out there that he doesnt even know

It's a sad state of affairs, I'm not saying your gf is exactly the same but she sure does strike some resemblances! I just find it strange, I mean, I would JUMP at the chance to live with my OH. Even more so if I became pregnant. I just cant get my head around the fact that all she seems to want to do is scrounge off her mam and still live at home with her and obviously the benefits she will get aswell. Dont tell me she's going to go for the Single Parent Benefit? If she is, then I really think that would be worrying. Using a child as a cash cow is a big no no in my book.

By the way I OP, I really hope my post doesnt cause any upset or offence to you, I dont think she is a reflection of you at all. You sound like a good guy who doesnt deserve this crap.

December2012

To be honest you do seem a bit dramatic.

This all or nothing attitude isn't great for either of you, but you could be more understanding of the fact that she doesn't have your problems (family abroad, already have a child), she's the one with the raging hormones, you're not, she's the one who is hiding being pregnant, you're not.

Can you just calm down a bit before condemning the whole relationship!

Knine

Hey OP wrote: »

I'm very sorry to see your latest reply OP

She sounds so, so, SO immature TBH. Way too immature to be having a child IMO.

Each to their own and all that but I HATE all that social networking crap. It's not the end of the world if she has to wait another week or 2 while you tell YOUR family. Cannot get my head around that. Feel very sorry for you knowing she is throwing a wobbler over something so ridiculous. My OH has an ex similar to herself. She told him that she wanted to be a housewife and didnt want to work etc.. him being an eejit (at only 20 years of age) used no protection and she became pregnant. After the baby was born she fecked off and hasnt been seen since, somewhere in Ireland claiming all her benefits. It's exactly what she wanted and my OH has a daughter out there that he doesnt even know

It's a sad state of affairs, I'm not saying your gf is exactly the same but she sure does strike some resemblances! I just find it strange, I mean, I would JUMP at the chance to live with my OH. Even more so if I became pregnant. I just cant get my head around the fact that all she seems to want to do is scrounge off her mam and still live at home with her and obviously the benefits she will get aswell. Dont tell me she's going to go for the Single Parent Benefit? If she is, then I really think that would be worrying. Using a child as a cash cow is a big no no in my book.

By the way I OP, I really hope my post doesnt cause any upset or offence to you, I dont think she is a reflection of you at all. You sound like a good guy who doesnt deserve this crap.

Being a single parent is no walk in the park. I seriously doubt she would choose this for the 'benefits' Maybe just maybe she is scared & wants her family around her rather then move somewhere she does not know anyone.

It does sound like the OP is also saying my way or the Highway!

Neither is willing to compromise. When this baby comes along they will have no choice but to compromise.

Rossin

Lux23 wrote: »

I think you need to support her on this decision for now and help her through the pregnancy, deciding to live together just because of the baby may be stressful in the beginning so stay where you are and see her and the child when you can.

OP I would agree with this advice going on what you've said so far. Keep in mind the first few months after having a baby can be extremely stressful so try to be as patient and helpful as you can.

Have you been together long?

eviltwin

Moving in together just because she's pregnant is crazy, you shouldn't rush into it. I did and it was a mess, we fought all the time, we weren't ready to take that step and in the end I moved out and we didn't move back in together until we were ready and it was the best decision we made. You can still both have a relationship and parent the child without being under the same roof, sure it requires a little bit more legwork but its an investment in your relationship. If you weren't at the moving in stage before the pregnancy why would you think you are now?