No interest in sex

sunnydaytoday

I am not sure what I am hoping to achieve by posting this but I think maybe writing it down will help anyway. I am 31 years old and currently single. I have been in relationhips before (longest was just over a year so never anything really long term). I always enjoyed the companionship aspect of the relationships especially my last relationship. We were really like minded, enjoyed similar activities, went on hols together and just generally got on great. However, I have never really enjoyed sex. I have had a few different sexual partners but it has always been the same. I don't hate it but I really have no interest and sometimes the thought of it just makes me squirm. I think it is def the reason that my last relationship ended. I started to feel like it was a chore and then this turned me off even more. I never had the courage to talk to him about it either.

I have dated a good bit over the last year or so but as soon as I get to the stage to become intimate I just want to run. I don't even enjoy kissing. I never really have. Writing this down just makes me seem so weird.

I am definitely not gay and I am attracted to good looking guys but it seems that all I want is to be friends. I long for a relationship, to get that closeness to a person and share my life with someone but I just don't think that I want sex to be a part of it. Since no one else is like this I don't think I will ever be able to find someone. I suppose I am looking for advice or if anyone has ever heard of someone with similar issues. It gets me down.

Merkin

Have you explored the possibility that you may be asexual OP? Have you done any research into that?

LegacyUser

hey OP , its definitely not just you, check out a site called AVEN, or even Acebook. Acebook is for people who want to date without sex. Definitely more common than youd imagine

baby and crumble

If you google 'asexuality' you will find a really good online forum (similar to boards) but full of people with similar experiences.

Good luck op.

sunnydaytoday

Hi guys, OP here, Thanks for the replies. It is nice to hear that I might not be the only one like this. I had heard of asexuality before but i thought that since I do have an attraction towards some guys that I did not fit in with this. However, it seems that I might after all.

LegacyUser

well, there is also the possibility of being demisexual . this is when you are only attracted to somebody that you have strong feelings for, so you may only be attracted to one person every so many years or whatnot (i would fall into this category myself, maybe this is how you are, too? there is plenty of info on this , too, on the AVEN website)...:)

sunnydaytoday

Thank you. Perhaps that does describe me and I just haven't met the right person yet. Either way it becomes a very small pool but it is nice to hear that I am not the only one who feels this way.

mylefttesticle

Before you decide what and how you are.

Has something happened you for you to become this way?

Have you felt like this always? or was there a time when sex was really good for you and you really enjoyed it and sought it?

sunnydaytoday

I don't think anything has happened to me to make me like this. I was a relatively late bloomer and only had sex for the first time when I was in my early 20's. That was mainly because I never felt the need or urge to. Also I was very independant and never really wanted a relationship (this second part has changed now though as I would like a relationship). When I finally had sex I kind of thought "what's the big deal?". I didn't enjoy it but was kind of relieved that I had finally done it. I didn't feel like such an oddball anymore. That relationship lasted a few months and I did feel attracted to the guy but I would have been much happier if we didn't have to have sex. It was pretty much the same story in my next relationship although the physical attraction seemed less but the emotional attachement was more. I do have urges at times but I don't fantasise about sex.

tara73

OP, it's a very intimate an private question and you don't have to answer it, but do you orgasm?
the question is, why don't you enjoy sex? thing is, some people have orgasms with anybody, it's just about sex, others can only fully relax and enjoy it if they completely trust, are in love and fall for the person. I speak from experience and found out for me it's the latter
I know it is not all about orgasm, but if it's never happening for one partner, it is very likely it is destroying the relationship sooner or later.

So my guess is, it's the old story, you simply havn't met the right person.

I think it is very sad and I call it also dangerous to focus on the asexuality aspect. You could be bound to much unhappiness if you fix yourself on it instead of not categorising yourself there and seeing what life brings.
Important is also how old you are. if you are quite young, things can change a lot and as said, you just havn't find the right person.

and did you ever consult a counsellor too discuss your issues? it could be really helpful, as you also seem to feel very lonely with your feelings and talking about it with a professional can bring so many new perspectives.

sunnydaytoday

No, I haven't ever orgasmed while having sex. I don't think I have ever felt relaxed enough to allow it to happen. I am not young though, am 31 so I should have had plenty of opportunities.

I have been reading up on the asexuality and I don't think it describes me really. I am attracted to guys but there just seem to be so few that I am attracted to that at times I feel like I have no attraction at all. In my last relationship I think I really got turned off sex as I was not sexually attracted to the guy. Could forcing myself to have sex with someone when there is no real desire cause me to feel this way? I have really distanced myself from any hint of sexual encounters over the last few years and have not met anyone who I would want to sleep with. Its just that I seem to be getting further and further from ever actually wanting it. I haven't talked to anyone about it. Its only in the last few years that it has started to bother me.

Merkin

Would you consider psychosexual therapy? This is obviously something that's bothering you and trying to diagnose asexuality or any other condition yourself could be difficult so might be worth going and talking to someone who has experience in the field?

Jenneke87

I'm someone who is like you, I have sex but it doesn't do anything for me. I don't have an orgasm, it often hurts and I can go ages without it. I enjoy the cuddles and touching my partner(if I ever get one again) but if it doesn't go further it's fine in my book.

Asexuality comes in various ways. There are asexual pepole who can fall in love and enjoy affection but have no desire for sex, others are permanently not attracted to other people, other asexuals do have sex, but only to please their partner, it doesn't do anything for them personally. Read about the different " versions" of asexuality and see if it clicks with you somewhere. As for counseling, from what I've read most asexuals found it horrible because its very much geared towards learning to like sex which they didn't want, they just wanted to come to terms with being different and the relationship challenges that come with it. So if you do decide that you wanna go and do that, don't be pushed into the idea that it's something that you can " learn to like"

Penny Tration

Very personal, and I'm sorry in advance (and you don't need to answer on-thread, just think about it) - do you orgasm when/if you masturbate?

You say you have been attracted to people. Is this an attraction where you find them desirable sexually, and they arouse you, or a mere appreciation of their looks and personality?

From what you've said, I wouldn't focus too much on asexuality unless you have never orgasmed alone, never 'wanted' someone sexually and have never had a desire for sex.

For what it's worth, orgasms can start at any age. I was having regular sex with partners (separate relationships, obviously) I cared about, from the age of 17, and didn't have an orgasm from somebody until a few months ago, 8 years later!

marie12

I wouldn't worry too much about orgasming through sex, plenty of other ways. What I like is the physical joining of 2 bodies, the connection and intimacy. I love lots of other things too but when I was early to mid twenties I could have survived without sex. I didn't have much interest. It means more to me now that I've met a lovely guy. It definitely can vary with age and stage in your life.

LegacyUser

Sex didn't do a lot for me either until I learned how to masturbate properly. I started off with a vibrator and moved on to doing it by hand. When I learned more about my own body and how to make it orgasm that changed everything. It may not be the answer your're wanting but maybe it's food for thought.

Lou.m

Do you masturbate? What do you fantasize about when you do?

You can be asexual if you masturbate too I realize. I think some asexuals are happy to satisfy a need alone and it is not an alternative to 'the real thing'. It is very possible you are aware you have the ability to climax perhaps even easily it might not have any bearing on your feelings about sex.


It sounds like you have a block , you mentioned you feel you want to squirm even when you like the person you are with. This would indicate you are ill at ease with the human body or sexuality or the physical fleshy act etc?

I have heard of people who are asexual and even met one. The way I would describe him would be this. If I could use some imagery here. Lets imagine every one has sexual energy or vibration and maybe the way you connect with it when you meet people could be through platonic flirting (yeah it's a thing) or if you could imagine bouncing your energy off them (yeah new agey I know).I would use the phrase sexual sonar. You bounce it off people and see what comes back. Most people would give you a vibration or a sign of who they are sexually back. He didn't. It was void. Nada.

The thing is your perspective. Are you happy with this or not? If you are that's great. If you are happy yet only worried it will prove a barrier to a relationship I would not worry. There are people who feel as you do. And also people who might put there desire into another form of expression to be with you (masturbation or whatever). If you are unhappy and want to explore your sexuality do so for you.

Don't let anyone tell you what you are or are not. That is your journey.

It was others who mentioned asexuality in this thread not the OP so I would not want to put that label on them.

Don't worry though because it is perfectly possible for you to have a relationship that works for you. It is all about perspective. There are guys I am certain like you or guys perhaps for whom it is not that important.

If you are content with it that is what is important.

Really the issue is your feeling on it. Are YOU ok with it? If you are that is all that matters

You seem certain your romantic orientation is heterosexual. (Love) But you seem uncertain about your sexual orientation (sex). You have not mentioned sexual attractions to women. So I am going to assume you have not experienced it. But you experience romantic attraction. (To men ).

Stand for who you are and what you feel.

Asexuals feel asexuality is an orientation from birth. It is different from being frigid or ill at ease with the human body (which can be overcome).

Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different. As you have found. You are romantically attracted to men. But undecided about the sex. You can fall deeply in love as an asexual and have deep crushes. But I don't want to suggest a label to you.

You are who you are. I am sure who you are is pretty great!

You can have a beautiful and fulfilling love life or relationship. I suppose talking about it whilst it is the one things you don't want to say is really what you are going to have to do with a romantic companion at some point.

I think there are homoromantic asexual people too.

I saw a video by and Irish male asexual on Youtube. There are of course others who feel the same way

You are normal for you And no matter what you are very lovable and have immense potential for a happy relationship.

People might say have your hormones checked etc. It's up to you I doubt it's that.

Remember irrespective of what everyone else feels or are into you ought not blend in or do something you don't want to for the sake of it.

It is difficult to talk about it to people who may be narrow minded or if it might contradict their understanding of the world.

Some people especially men base a lot around their orientation and sex so explaining this might seem hard.

I hope I have not blathered on or seemed like I was putting a label on you. It is really up to you to decide who you want to feel about it or if you want to explore it.

There are others who feel similar I am certain.

But human sexuality is very individual. I can imagine you might feel a little frustrated at society not understanding so much is devoted to sex like songs and friends talking etc. But you are deffo not the only one I have seen a couple of vids on youtube

The sexual futurist was the vid with the Irish guy. I just youtubed it when I saw asexuality being mentioned here.

Sorry if I have failed to understand you OP.

I deffo feel that no one should force you or encourage you to try to like sex if you are not happy with that.

Yes it can be possible for someone to be asexual and masturbate to orgasm alone. But they are not sexually attracted to even romantic partners. It can be possible for someone to is VERY sexual never to orgasm on the other hand.

And also sexuality can vary at different ages etc.

Some individuals just blow narrow mindedness away I LOVE THAT.

It's really up to you. Only you will know how you really feel.

And I know no matter where you come to in your realizations you will be able to find a partner and be happy

LOVE CONQUERS ALL:)

Every love

Hope I helped a little .... well I tried.

Uh sorry about my paragraphs or lack there of.

sunnydaytoday

Thank you so much for all your replies. You have all be very helpful to me in trying to figure this out. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to give in to soceital pressures and just be normal, in a normal relationship etc. I do believe that there is someone out there that I would like to have a relationship with. Its just that the older I get the more remote a possibility it seems that I will find that person and that they would actually be interested in me (whatever my issues). I will consider going to a counsellor of some sort. It would probably help to talk to someone about it. I know this thread has helped me anyway. So thanks again to all who replied.