Boyfriend and his ex

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We have previously had problems whereby he was always texting his ex when drunk and she would ring him in the middle of the night etc. I hated it and told him I did. He said that it was her that was initiating it and that he would make it stop. Everything was fine for a few months.

Last night I noticed him texting her when we were out. Curiosity got the better of me and while he was asleep last night I checked his messages. Turns out he texted her first with some random bull**** chat and used a pet name for her in the message. A pet name that he sometimes uses for me. And this was completely initiated by him.

Should I confront him about this? I would have to admit to reading his messages. But it's made me doubt everything he said before. Maybe she was only ringing him at night because he was initiating conversation with her earlier. He doesn't seem to be able to let go of her. I have no problem with him talking to an ex but I think the pet name usage makes this wrong?

Please help, I have noone else to talk to right now. Thanks.

JeffKenna

If it were me I would be breaking up with him. Granted he may not have cheated but some intention appears to be there. Also he doesn't appear to be over his ex

desbrook

I seem to remember you posting on this forum about it before?

If so I felt then and definitely feel now he's bad news. Apart from anything else his behaviour has destroyed any trust in the relationship. Without trust there's little point in continuing.

CaraMay

Sorry op but you are second fiddle. He is lying to you repeatedly yet you are willing to take it. This relationship has no healthy future

shalalala

Speaking from experience. Get out now. The doubts will eat away at you and you asking him to cut contact with her will make his resentment eat away at him.

Flippyfloppy

It's not right. And it appears he has been lying to you about the initiations. Remember :''Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...shame on me. ''

Mr. Incognito

Meh, exes are exes for a reason.

People around here seem to have this model of the perfect break- rarely happens. If you are dating someone you obviously have deep feelings for them.

That can end abruptly but mostly it just fades out with time.

I think that if you are checking his phone for contact with an ex, that's a pretty bad sign of the relationship at the moment.

The options are
a) Have a chat with him. Be prepared that he might break up with you for going through his phone. I would.

b) Break up

c) Realise that he is with you for a reason and there's no point being jealous or insecure of someones ex.

If someone is being nostalgic and sends an innocuous text to an ex this doesn't equate to not being over them or not wanting to be with you. It just means they are reminiscing and being human. He wasn't exactly messaging lets get back together.

I think you need to get over it tbh

Wibbs

A couple of texts wouldn't concern me in the least, weekly contact and if they were meeting up and the like on the other hand would have me thinking. There is such a thing as emotional cheating in my book even if no genitals were involved.

That said this doesn't sound anything like it to me. I'm with Mr I on this one. If you'd gone through my phone you'd be out the door so quick your head would spin. That was well out of order. I don't care if you had a "gut feeling" or any of that, it's a massive invasion of privacy and breach of trust. The jealousy and mistrust will wear down the best of relationships and you need to sort that and fast.

LegacyUser

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

If someone is being nostalgic and sends an innocuous text to an ex this doesn't equate to not being over them or not wanting to be with you. It just means they are reminiscing and being human. He wasn't exactly messaging lets get back together.

I think you need to get over it tbh

I don't think it was innocuous though. The last time we spoke about this he told me that all it was was drunken texts from her and that he did nothing to encourage it. He broke down in tears and asked me not to leave him and promised he'd never do anything to make me worry again. So why text her when he's with me and use an affectionate name? I was with him the whole night so he must have snuck off to the bathroom to do it.

I know looking at his phone was bang out of order. There's clearly a lack of trust on my side and a lack of honesty on his. I want to try and work it out but I don't know whether or how to bring it up with him now, because I did the stupid thing of looking at his phone. I don't know what to do.

gigglemuch82

no name 456 wrote: »

Last night I noticed him texting her when we were out. Curiosity got the better of me and while he was asleep last night I checked his messages. Turns out he texted her first with some random bull**** chat and used a pet name for her in the message. A pet name that he sometimes uses for me. And this was completely initiated by him.

I was in a very similar situation with my bf last year which we together resolved by talking it out.

How did you know that he was texting 'Her' out of all the people when you were out? I think you can just casually say 'Oh I noticed you were texting your ex again the other night, what's the story with that?' and then see what he says. You don't even have to say that you checked his phone. Although if you found out that it was her by checking his phone, that it makes the story a bit different.

I can understand the urge to check his phone. It's probably you had the gut feeling of something not quite right and it was driving you mad.

I want to ask you why you're staying with him and see if this guy's worth the hassle, especially when you've already confronted him about it before.

I confronted my bf about him staying in touch with his ex (his ex was very clingy and wouldn't let go even after 2 years!!) and he admitted it was unnecessary and that was the end of it - he completely ignored her calls and texts since. I haven't checked his phone since then cuz I completely trust him now.

I would definitely bring it up with your bf and ready yourself for a potential breakup. From my personal experience, it is best to talk these things out.

You deserve better than a liar and an immature man who can't let his past go. He just doesn't know how lucky he is to have you. You deserve much better than that.

Dandelion515

OP this must be so difficult for you. I have to be honest, I was in a long term relationship before and it took me a good 2 years to let go of my ex after it ended, and while I was seeing other people I would be txting him. It's only now that I've let go I see how wrong it was. I'm in a relationship with a lovely guy now and wouldn't dream of txting my ex in that way. From my own experience it does sound like he hasn't let go of her yet.

LegacyUser

gigglemuch82 wrote: »

I was in a very similar situation with my bf last year which we together resolved by talking it out.

How did you know that he was texting 'Her' out of all the people when you were out? I think you can just casually say 'Oh I noticed you were texting your ex again the other night, what's the story with that?' and then see what he says. You don't even have to say that you checked his phone. Although if you found out that it was her by checking his phone, that it makes the story a bit different.

I can understand the urge to check his phone. It's probably you had the gut feeling of something not quite right and it was driving you mad.

I want to ask you why you're staying with him and see if this guy's worth the hassle, especially when you've already confronted him about it before.

I confronted my bf about him staying in touch with his ex (his ex was very clingy and wouldn't let go even after 2 years!!) and he admitted it was unnecessary and that was the end of it - he completely ignored her calls and texts since. I haven't checked his phone since then cuz I completely trust him now.

I would definitely bring it up with your bf and ready yourself for a potential breakup. From my personal experience, it is best to talk these things out.

You deserve better than a liar and an immature man who can't let his past go. He just doesn't know how lucky he is to have you. You deserve much better than that.

Thank you. I'm staying with him because I love him so much and I do believe he loves me. We have plans for the future and the thought of giving them up makes me feel sick.

I don't know how to bring it up without admitting I looked at his phone. It was more the content of the message than the actual texting that upset me. I actually don't mind if he talks to her, but I don't understand why he would do that when he's with me, and why he would call her an affectionate name.

CaraMay

Because he still has feelings for her which means he is not 100% yours. If he is not 100% yours then those plans are all waffle and will not work out. I get the impression you will just go along with whatever he does so he doesn't leave you. I wish you had more pride and self respect.

Tasden

CaraMay wrote: »

Because he still has feelings for her which means he is not 100% yours. If he is not 100% yours then those plans are all waffle and will not work out. I get the impression you will just go along with whatever he does so he doesn't leave you. I wish you had more pride and self respect.

No other person is "ours". 100% or 1%. And that kind of thinking only leads to possessiveness and reading people's messages etc.

If by "yours" you mean his interest isn't 100% in her and his feelings aren't entirely for her then I think that's a little unrealistic. Feelings for an ex don't always just completely stop because you've developed feelings for someone else. Now how we act on those feelings is a different issue but I don't think its fair to expect someone to just forget any feelings they had for someone they once loved. They cant control that. They can only control how they act on them. And if he intends to build his future with you op then imo his feelings for you are stronger and that's all that matters no?

Imo he is acting inappropriately by calling her pet names and lying about his interactions but asking that he stop contact is inappropriate too tbh. I don't know what advice to give you other than start being honest with him and hope he does the same in return, and then trust him.

pookie82

As daft as it sounds, it wouldn't be the drunken contact that would p*ss me off, per se, more the use of a "pet" name he also uses on you!!! That must have stung to see that.

I've been in this situation before and it rarely ends well. I would suggest you bite the bullet and tell him you saw him texting, figured it was dodgy, and looked at his phone. How did you know it was her in the pub? Did you actually see her name, or just get a "feeling"?

Ask him why, if he insists her contact is unwanted, he's instigating conversations and calling her pet names? Surely he's only encouraging her with that behaviour, no wonder she's still ringing him at all hours.

If he freaks out because you looked at his phone, so be it. The offshoot of it is that you "caught" him up to no good, not necessarily in contacting her (though it would seem to expose lies on his part about who initiates what in the past) but more importantly in calling her some pet name he also uses for you... that's a little messed up, OP and indicates a level of affection for her that's not appropriate a year into something else.

CaraMay is on the money when she speaks about the plans you have with him ... you're sick at the idea of losing them, but what weight do they really carry if his heart is still even partially elsewhere?

I've broken up with people numerous times, it's not rocket science to move on and never carry out this frankly irritating charade of having an ex in the wings for late night reminiscing when I'm supposed to be seeing someone new. If an ex is still a dear friend, simple day time conversation now and again not peppered with affectionate pet names is acceptable - what he's at is not. There are levels of acceptability in this situation and he has crossed a line.

strobe

The affectionate name thing could be nothing, I've known guys to call every girl they know by the same nicknames / pet names. Petal, sweetheat ,babe, baby, whatever.

Tasden

strobe wrote: »

The affectionate name thing could be nothing, I've known guys to call every girl they know by the same nicknames / pet names. Petal, sweetheat ,babe, baby, whatever.

This is true, my ex would call every girl babe and would also call me babe too but then he'd have pet names for me that would mean "more", that was our personal thing, I was assuming this is what op meant by the pet name, but this is a good point.

desbrook

no name 456 wrote: »

Thank you. I'm staying with him because I love him so much and I do believe he loves me. We have plans for the future and the thought of giving them up makes me feel sick.

I don't know how to bring it up without admitting I looked at his phone. It was more the content of the message than the actual texting that upset me. I actually don't mind if he talks to her, but I don't understand why he would do that when he's with me, and why he would call her an affectionate name.

Your plans will come to nothing with him anyway so why waste the next maybe ten years. ( God forbid you may have kids with him too) . He can't be trusted. He's a liar. You gave him a chance ( foolishly) and he made promises and STILL he lied. You don't trust him - that's why you checked his phone.

Make your plans with someone you can trust and who TRULY wants to make them with you !

CaraMay

Tasden wrote: »

No other person is "ours". 100% or 1%. And that kind of thinking only leads to possessiveness and reading people's messages etc. .

And here was me thinking she had bought him in Smithfield market.

He should not be making long term plans with her if he still has feeling for his ex, is calling his ex by pet names, is in contact with his ex and is lying to his current girlfriend about the contact. He is a liar and when there is a liar in a relationship the future is only a puff of smoke.

Op I wouldn't care if my partner checked my phone because I've nothing to hide. From experience he isn't the jealous type so if he did then it's got a reason and I would have no problem with it.

You deserve more but have made it clear you will take what you get from him whether it's good or bad....

CaraMay

strobe wrote: »

The affectionate name thing could be nothing, I've known guys to call every girl they know by the same nicknames / pet names. Petal, sweetheat ,babe, baby, whatever.

God I hate when men do that - it's so slimy.

Tasden

CaraMay wrote: »

And here was me thinking she had bought him in Smithfield market.

He should not be making long term plans with her if he still has feeling for his ex, is calling his ex by pet names, is in contact with his ex and is lying to his current girlfriend about the contact. He is a liar and when there is a liar in a relationship the future is only a puff of smoke.

Op I wouldn't care if my partner checked my phone because I've nothing to hide. From experience he isn't the jealous type so if he did then it's got a reason and I would have no problem with it.

You deserve more but have made it clear you will take what you get from him whether it's good or bad....

There's no need to be facetious, you were the one using the term "yours" which is a possessive term and imo shouldn't be used in relation to people because as you say hes not someones property.

And checking someones phone is an invasion of privacy, whether they're hiding something or not, or whether they'd be ok with it or not. Obviously op you know he wouldn't be ok with it and rightfully so. Its not only his messages and privacy you're invading, its the people who have been texting him too. Stuff they've shared with HIM, not his snooping girlfriend.

Czarcasm

no name 456 wrote: »

I know looking at his phone was bang out of order. There's clearly a lack of trust on my side and a lack of honesty on his. I want to try and work it out but I don't know whether or how to bring it up with him now, because I did the stupid thing of looking at his phone. I don't know what to do.

no name 456 wrote: »

Thank you. I'm staying with him because I love him so much and I do believe he loves me. We have plans for the future and the thought of giving them up makes me feel sick.

I don't know how to bring it up without admitting I looked at his phone. It was more the content of the message than the actual texting that upset me. I actually don't mind if he talks to her, but I don't understand why he would do that when he's with me, and why he would call her an affectionate name.

The way I'm reading this OP is that you're wondering how do you lie to your boyfriend after finding out he's lied to you, twice, in less than the space of a year together, and you're talking about how you have plans for the future together and you won't break up with him because the thoughts of giving them up makes you sick more than the thoughts of staying with a man whom you know has lied to you on a number of occasions now, and you're worried about lying to him and putting your plans at risk...

That really doesn't sound like you love each other at all. It sounds more like you're both just kidding yourselves for the sake of these future plans together, built on a foundation of insecurity and lies, from both of you! Once you tell each other the first lie, the second one gets easier, and the third, and so on, until both of you are just pretending to like each other for the sake of what you think you have together, when the reality is that you're both miserable together, and you're making each other more miserable.

I would say to you my best advice is to break up with him because you're really not comfortable with him being in contact with his ex, and he's not comfortable telling you he's in contact with his ex, and if it wasn't this girl, it'll be some other girl in the future, because while you think you should be enough for him, clearly he doesn't feel the same way.

Both of you have completely different ideas about what constitutes a relationship, and yet neither of you I don't think is really ready for a relationship, because both of you like I said seem as insecure as each other, and both of you seem incapable of putting your trust in another person - he doesn't trust you enough to tell you he's still in contact with his ex, you don't trust him enough to tell you when he's in contact with his ex, and neither of you sound like you are mature enough to understand that it's perfectly normal for people to be friends with their ex's, unless of course there's some context you're leaving out?

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

The way I'm reading this OP is that you're wondering how do you lie to your boyfriend after finding out he's lied to you, twice, in less than the space of a year together, and you're talking about how you have plans for the future together and you won't break up with him because the thoughts of giving them up makes you sick more than the thoughts of staying with a man whom you know has lied to you on a number of occasions now, and you're worried about lying to him and putting your plans at risk...

That really doesn't sound like you love each other at all. It sounds more like you're both just kidding yourselves for the sake of these future plans together, built on a foundation of insecurity and lies, from both of you! Once you tell each other the first lie, the second one gets easier, and the third, and so on, until both of you are just pretending to like each other for the sake of what you think you have together, when the reality is that you're both miserable together, and you're making each other more miserable.

I would say to you my best advice is to break up with him because you're really not comfortable with him being in contact with his ex, and he's not comfortable telling you he's in contact with his ex, and if it wasn't this girl, it'll be some other girl in the future, because while you think you should be enough for him, clearly he doesn't feel the same way.

Both of you have completely different ideas about what constitutes a relationship, and yet neither of you I don't think is really ready for a relationship, because both of you like I said seem as insecure as each other, and both of you seem incapable of putting your trust in another person - he doesn't trust you enough to tell you he's still in contact with his ex, you don't trust him enough to tell you when he's in contact with his ex, and neither of you sound like you are mature enough to understand that it's perfectly normal for people to be friends with their ex's, unless of course there's some context you're leaving out?

This makes so much sense, thank you. I'm not leaving out context but if I can explain the situation a bit more - I have no problem with being friends with ex's. I have one ex that I am friends with, my boyfriend has met him and knows he's my ex. I speak to him occasionally if we're both going to the same gig or something and we've all been out together as a group on nights out and it's fine.

But I've never felt comfortable with his contact with his ex. Before I first asked about her I had no idea who this girl he was texting was, could have been a friend, a cousin, a workmate. He never mentions her to me in passing, never mentions her name in front of his friends, has never told me any detail about their relationship, she's deleted from his facebook. So it seems she's wiped from his life, except for these texts/calls which seem to usually happen at night when drinking and it just feels so sneaky.

But yeah you make a lot of sense. It's hard because everything is great otherwise in the relationship. The couple of months up til now since we spoke about this last have been great and a big relief. Maybe this issue just isn't going to go away though.

strobe

CaraMay wrote: »

God I hate when men do that - it's so slimy.

If you say so. The guys i've known to do this tend to have the same nickname for all the guys they know too, mate, bud, whatever. Is just a personal quirk from what i've seen. 'Slimey' seems a little crazy. Different people have their different little things, for various reasons.

Obliq

CaraMay wrote: »

Because he still has feelings for her which means he is not 100% yours. If he is not 100% yours then those plans are all waffle and will not work out. I get the impression you will just go along with whatever he does so he doesn't leave you. I wish you had more pride and self respect.

Dear Christ on a bike, NOBODY is 100% your's. All they are is with you for the right reasons, or not. My boyfriend is best friends with his ex (from a long time ago) and regularly sees her without me, as do I because we've become extremely close friends too.

As Mr.I. says, exes are exes for a reason. OP, you are his girlfriend for a reason, and you've stated how he became extremely upset when you confronted him about the texting before. I personally would suggest that you ask him if he misses her as a friend, and try to encourage him to be friends with her if that's the case.

I'd go as far as saying to him you're worried that he's texting her in secret because you over reacted about it before, but that he's entitled to be friends with his ex and you don't want secrets between you. If your relationship is worth it, then you will need that level of communication (talking about this) at a bare minimum.

Obliq

no name 456 wrote: »

I actually don't mind if he talks to her, but I don't understand why he would do that when he's with me

Do you text friends when you're with him? I really think you must have made a bit of a big deal about him texting her before, and that's why he doesn't tell you he has now. Seriously, be a big girl and give him permission (in your heart - he doesn't need your permission really!) to have his ex as a friend. And tell him you think he should be friends with her.

And the pet name? Unless it was similar to "Gorgeous" or "Sexy", or a very personal one like "Snuggles" or something, I'd pay it no heed whatsoever.

Big Bag of Chips

The pet name is obviously something he called her when he was going out with her. And now he calls you it. It's not his special name, just for you. She had it first.

In these situations, I think if you want to clear the air, you have to bring it up. If you want him being honest with you, then you equally have to be honest with him. Tell him you were suspicious that he was hiding something from you so you checked his phone. I think he is more wrong to ve affectionately texting an ex when he promised you he wouldn't. And if you asked him he was likely to deny it, and delete evidence.

Be honest. But tell him you expect honesty from him, too.

Czarcasm

Obliq wrote: »

Do you text friends when you're with him? I really think you must have made a bit of a big deal about him texting her before, and that's why he doesn't tell you he has now. Seriously, be a big girl and give him permission (in your heart - he doesn't need your permission really!) to have his ex as a friend. And tell him you think he should be friends with her.

Tbh, I dunno Obliq, it sounds to me like the OP's boyfriend actually likes the 'clandestine' nature of his 'friendship' with his ex, and wouldn't actually care whether the OP encouraged him to be open about it, as it would take the 'thrill' out of it for him. I believe the OP when she says the way he goes about it just feels so sneaky - lying to her about who initiates contact, only contacting her when he's drunk, and contacting her on the QT when he's out with the OP.

It really does sound like he's not over his ex, and doesn't want to get over her, but likes to keep her hanging on and stringing her along as long as he can get away with it, with both her, and with the OP. The OP is right when she says she doesn't think this one is going to go away. It's not going to go away until she forces herself to make a decision, and given they've only been together a year and this one single issue keeps the relationship from moving forward, I think those 'future plans' might need a re-think.

And the pet name? Unless it was similar to "Gorgeous" or "Sexy", or a very personal one like "Snuggles" or something, I'd pay it no heed whatsoever.

Normally with pet names I personally wouldn't give a fiddlers, but looking at it from the OP's point of view, I can see why she might be a little unsettled with the idea of her boyfriend still being affectionate with his ex and using the same terms of endearment for his ex, as he for her. It may be meaningless when it's taken in the context that strobe mentions, but given what's going on with the OP's boyfriend, it can hurt just that little bit more, and especially when you see it written down in a text that his girlfriend was never supposed to see.

LegacyUser

Obliq wrote: »

Do you text friends when you're with him? I really think you must have made a bit of a big deal about him texting her before, and that's why he doesn't tell you he has now. Seriously, be a big girl and give him permission (in your heart - he doesn't need your permission really!) to have his ex as a friend. And tell him you think he should be friends with her.

And the pet name? Unless it was similar to "Gorgeous" or "Sexy", or a very personal one like "Snuggles" or something, I'd pay it no heed whatsoever.

Be a big girl and give him permission? Come on. Once again, I have no problem with him being friends with an ex. What I didn't like was the sneakiness. He'd get a text from her and angle his phone away from me so I couldn't see it. There'd be late night phone calls. That made me uncomfortable and I don't think it was me being insecure. When I brought it up I told him I felt like he was hiding things from me and I didn't like that, I never told him to stop talking to her but I did ask that he made sure the late night calls ended and he promised he would.

The pet name was a cutesy name but not a common one, like babe or anything. Before he called me it, I'd never really heard anyone use it before.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

Normally with pet names I personally wouldn't give a fiddlers, but looking at it from the OP's point of view, I can see why she might be a little unsettled with the idea of her boyfriend still being affectionate with his ex and using the same terms of endearment for his ex, as he for her. It may be meaningless when it's taken in the context that strobe mentions, but given what's going on with the OP's boyfriend, it can hurt just that little bit more, and especially when you see it written down in a text that his girlfriend was never supposed to see.

The problem with the pet name for me was that it felt like encouragement for her, stringing her along like you said. Maybe he has asked her to stop drunk texting/ringing him, but this text was like encouragement for her to do it again, because he seems to not want it to stop.

Obliq

Yeah, I see what you and Big bag of chips mean about the pet name, but it is potentially like strobe says and could be Babe or Hon or something. We don't know.

As for the clandestine nature of his texting, this is why I feel that as the OP herself said that he broke down in tears when she got him to tell her about it the last time, that for the sake of how honest a relationship they should be having, the first step should be to let him know she's actually fine with them both being friends but is concerned with the secrecy. That way, if he continues to keep it secret she'll know it's because he wants to have that exclusive "extra" on top of their relationship. Which would be a deal breaker, presumably.

Alternatively, what might happen is that they have a decent conversation about how he felt she didn't want him to be in touch with his ex at all, and the clandestine stuff stops.

Don't know. Of course, you could be spot on but I always think trust is worth a shot.

Obliq

no name 456 wrote: »

Be a big girl and give him permission? Come on. Once again, I have no problem with him being friends with an ex. What I didn't like was the sneakiness. He'd get a text from her and angle his phone away from me so I couldn't see it. There'd be late night phone calls. That made me uncomfortable and I don't think it was me being insecure. When I brought it up I told him I felt like he was hiding things from me and I didn't like that, I never told him to stop talking to her but I did ask that he made sure the late night calls ended and he promised he would.

The pet name was a cutesy name but not a common one, like babe or anything. Before he called me it, I'd never really heard anyone use it before.

Ok, fair enough. I did mean in your heart though, as I certainly know myself that my boyfriend's friendship with his ex was something I needed to have a talk with myself about. Have you met her yet? You do seem to have cause for concern if all this texting is going on and there is no openness about why. Perhaps Czar is right, and you seem to relate to his take on the clandestine nature of this. Best of luck girl.

Czarcasm

Obliq wrote: »

Ok, fair enough. I did mean in your heart though, as I certainly know myself that my boyfriend's friendship with his ex was something I needed to have a talk with myself about. Have you met her yet? You do seem to have cause for concern if all this texting is going on and there is no openness about why. Perhaps Czar is right, and you seem to relate to his take on the clandestine nature of this. Best of luck girl.

I know what you meant Obliq, but the OP has given her boyfriend her trust and tried to talk to him before about being open about his friendship with his ex, but, instead of being open about it, her boyfriend instead chose to remove this girl from his facebook, etc, to give the appearance at least that he was over his ex, thinking that this would reassure the OP, when what it actually seems to have done is the exact opposite, and his continued behavior is what caused the OP to lose trust in him, and confirm her suspicions by checking his phone.

It just comes across to me like the OP's boyfriend is stringing both of them along (his ex, and the OP), and that's not any way healthy approach to a friendship with his ex (like he's keeping her in the background), nor a healthy approach to his current relationship with the OP (like he's just trying to keep her happy).

OP you're not doing yourself any favors by continuing to give your boyfriend chance after chance, and if you actually look at the situation as it stands, going back to your opening post -

You're worried about putting your future plans with your boyfriend at risk if you're actually honest with him about finding out that he's being dishonest with you. What sort of a future do you see for your relationship if you can't be honest with each other and both of you continue to hide things from each other, thinking it's more important to keep the other person happy?

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult, and if this has been going on for months at a time in a relationship that's hardly year old, you have to ask yourself were you ever right for each other in the first place, and which came first - the future plans, or the person to build that future with?

I just wonder are you overlooking some fundamental issues in the relationship and hoping they'll eventually go away, rather than address them head on, and decide then whether this relationship even has a future on that basis.

pookie82

no name 456 wrote: »

Be a big girl and give him permission? Come on. Once again, I have no problem with him being friends with an ex. What I didn't like was the sneakiness. He'd get a text from her and angle his phone away from me so I couldn't see it. There'd be late night phone calls. That made me uncomfortable and I don't think it was me being insecure. When I brought it up I told him I felt like he was hiding things from me and I didn't like that, I never told him to stop talking to her but I did ask that he made sure the late night calls ended and he promised he would.

The pet name was a cutesy name but not a common one, like babe or anything. Before he called me it, I'd never really heard anyone use it before.

So he has basically given you a not-so-common, affectionate pet name that he's recycled from his last relationship and still uses to her? You're right to be uncomfortable about that.

I've had pet names with exes that I would never dream of using on a new person, not if they're uncommon. That would strike me personally as a bit weird and "deja vu". "Babe" or "honey" wouldn't fall into that category but it doesn't sound like this is one of those if you'd never even heard it before.

I think it's becoming increasingly clear that you need to talk to him. Be it to see what's really going on, or assure him that he doesn't need to hide things from you (angling his phone away from you when he's in the same room would just make me seriously uncomfortable, could it be more obvious he's up to no good?).

People (and possibly him) will more than likely tell you that because of your previous reaction he's afraid to tell you he's even talking to her now ... I wouldn't swallow that to be honest. What he's at now (angling the phone and calling her pet names and sneaking off to text her when you're out together) is not the kind of harmless contact you ought to be "cool" with.

It doesn't take a genius to gauge the difference between an appropriate level of chatty contact with an ex, and late night calls/texts where terms of endearment are used. He'll probably feign ignorance on that one to get out of bother.

LegacyUser

Obliq wrote: »

Ok, fair enough. I did mean in your heart though, as I certainly know myself that my boyfriend's friendship with his ex was something I needed to have a talk with myself about. Have you met her yet? You do seem to have cause for concern if all this texting is going on and there is no openness about why. Perhaps Czar is right, and you seem to relate to his take on the clandestine nature of this. Best of luck girl.

Definitely have not met her! They're from the same hometown and same age so they likely have/had plenty of mutual friends but I've never met or heard mention of her. And thank you, appreciate it and your advice.

pookie82 wrote: »

I've had pet names with exes that I would never dream of using on a new person, not if they're uncommon. That would strike me personally as a bit weird and "deja vu". "Babe" or "honey" wouldn't fall into that category but it doesn't sound like this is one of those if you'd never even heard it before.

I think it's becoming increasingly clear that you need to talk to him. Be it to see what's really going on, or assure him that he doesn't need to hide things from you (angling his phone away from you when he's in the same room would just make me seriously uncomfortable, could it be more obvious he's up to no good?).

Yeah I think I definitely need to talk to him if only for the fact that I don't want him to call me by that name anymore!

Just to be clear, he had stopped all the suspicious phone behaviour for the past few months until this night last week. But that in itself is probably enough to tell me that he can't give it up for good.

Tarzana

It's a judgement call, depends on how much contact there is.

My BF has some contact with an ex. Doesn't bother me at all because it's fairly sporadic, and she's a nice girl who my BF probably doesn't see the need to shun.