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End it now, or wait and see

  • 13-07-2014 7:04pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'd really appreciate some perspective on my situation as I'm going around in circles in my head.

    I've met someone, who I think is pretty amazing and could be the real deal. Problem is he is a bit of a wanderer, he travels a lot. His work allows him to see the world, he could also stay home with it but he loves to travel. At the moment he has a three month trip starting in September. Have known about this since the day we met, he's also just told me that he has been called for an interview for a job he applied for a while back. If he gets this he would be on a small team in a remote part of the world with very little contact with the outside world for 18 months beginning in October.

    We met just over a month ago, and started with dating. We're now in contact everyday, if we don't see each other we talk on the phone or text. We're kind of in that honeymoon phase when you are totally smitten with each other and I haven't even spoken to him about it because I don't want to ruin the moment. I just know that the more time we spend together, the more I am falling for him. Do I wait and see if he gets this job? if not is three months a long time apart to expect such a short relationship to last? I am afraid I'm heading for heart break and don't know if I should just end it now or wait til he is leaving and deal with it then?

    Just a bit of background, I'm 30 and have plenty of experience in dating/relationships. I don't fall easily, very rarely I click with anyone at all so I'm pretty sure this could be something special. advice appreciated


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP to start, I completely understand that you're smitten with this guy and he possibly is smitten with you too, but with all due respect I susoect that perhaps he's being very disingenuous with you. My first question would be are you actually in an official relationship, have ye discussed this? Is it possible perhaps that what you see as a relationship with long-term potential he sees as just a casual short term fling? ( I wouldn't use your feelings or his as a barometer of this, they don't necessarily equate to the depth of the relationship, especially in the early lust filled stages. It's unwise IMHO to presume you both are on the same page with regards to the future of the relationship unless you've explicitly discussed said future.)

    The reason I ask is because it doesn't sound like this man is in a position to be in a proper relationship, when right now traveling and seeing the world is his number one priority, and his job is not conductive to allowing a relationship to grow and flourish. If he made it clear from day one that what you had was just casual then fair enough. But if he's investing in the level of contact you've described knowing that he can never properly commit to a relationship at this point in his life, but leading you to believe that there's long term potential there well then I think he's stringing you along tbh and being petty selfish and disingenuous.

    I've been in a casual relationship with a man before OP who also travelled a lot with work, to his credit from day one he was honest that it couldn't be longterm because he was at the point in his life where his career was just taking off after a lot of hard work and travel was expected, and he couldn't (or wouldn't) put a relationship before that. Even a casual relationship was too much hard work for both of us due to his travel as it turned out.

    The point of this story being, that i always felt personally that had I been 'The one', the love of his life, whatever you want to call it, them he absolutely would have chosen to knock the travel on the head and prioritise the relationship. I just wasn't her. Now perhaps for this guy you are someone he's willing to settle down for and prioritise the relationship over travel or at the very least make a few travel/work sacrifices for, but only you are in the position to judge this OP, and you're not going to be able to judge it without a discussion with him.

    But either way theres only so much fault you can place on him, by allowing yourself to get so invested in a man so early in a relationship (casual or it) who as it stands can't actually give you the type of relationship you want and actively burying your head in the sand by not discussing it, is just a road to heartache, that you yourself are paving.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,532 ✭✭✭Lou.m


    alittlesad wrote: »
    I'd really appreciate some perspective on my situation as I'm going around in circles in my head.

    I've met someone, who I think is pretty amazing and could be the real deal. Problem is he is a bit of a wanderer, he travels a lot. His work allows him to see the world, he could also stay home with it but he loves to travel. At the moment he has a three month trip starting in September. Have known about this since the day we met, he's also just told me that he has been called for an interview for a job he applied for a while back. If he gets this he would be on a small team in a remote part of the world with very little contact with the outside world for 18 months beginning in October.

    We met just over a month ago, and started with dating. We're now in contact everyday, if we don't see each other we talk on the phone or text. We're kind of in that honeymoon phase when you are totally smitten with each other and I haven't even spoken to him about it because I don't want to ruin the moment. I just know that the more time we spend together, the more I am falling for him. Do I wait and see if he gets this job? if not is three months a long time apart to expect such a short relationship to last? I am afraid I'm heading for heart break and don't know if I should just end it now or wait til he is leaving and deal with it then?

    Just a bit of background, I'm 30 and have plenty of experience in dating/relationships. I don't fall easily, very rarely I click with anyone at all so I'm pretty sure this could be something special. advice appreciated

    Be careful because if you talk about it now he might cancel or something and that's not fair. He may feel he has to choose and that is not fair on him and you can't make him lose out on this opportunity.

    If it were me I don't think I would have gotten involved if I would have known.

    But I have been in this position. (I found out after a while of dating he was leaving for a bit).

    I don't do long distance relationships. And what I did was say nothing as there was a slight chance he would change his plans. I more or less pretended we would be ok going long distance and made him really try his best for a job interview abroad without anything holding him back. Then leading up to his departure I told him I didn't think I would be able to do the long distance thing.

    Some people might think is was dishonest. But I really felt it was unfair to hold him back. I wanted him to go for it. And when someone is abroad they need to fully enjoy it. And I would have wanted him to.


    But for you ..(thats what I did not sure if it is good advice or not!) ...hm ..talk to him...but realize this was part of his life plan before he met you and this is his personality...(the wanderer). Are you compatible? Will this make you happy?

    I dunno not sure if what I did with my ex was a good example or not. :o

    He has to go for that opportunity with nothing holding him back.


    But you have to admit your feelings and be fair to you...I think that was what i was tyring to balance when I was in that situation.

    But maybe someone with a less subjective view could advice ...it is almost easier sometimes when you are coming from no experience of a situation.

    I don't think I would ever getting involved in a LTR again.

    He did kinda feel I left him high and dry looking back...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 254 ✭✭An Bhanríon


    My thoughts, although LTR is not my area of expertise...

    Enjoy your time with him until he heads off, but do not start imagining a long term future with this man unless you end up specifically discussing it with him and making plans together. He sounds like a lot of men I met over the years. Absolutely amazing to be with but were never going to change any of their plans to be with me!

    If you're hoping to get married and have kids sooner rather than later, I wouldn't sit around waiting for this guy. If he is genuinely interested in that type of future with you and in the same time scale as you are thinking of, he will change his plans. My friend's husband was about to leave for Australia when he met my friend. He realized pretty quickly he had met someone special, stayed in Ireland unemployed, worked really hard in various part time jobs, retrained and eventually got a better full time job. Where there's a will, there's a way.

    Unless, that is, you are good at dealing with a partner being away and the uncertainty that goes with that? It wouldn't be my thing, that's all!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,882 ✭✭✭Mighty_Mouse


    Why does it have to turn into a LDR?
    Can you not just enjoy it for now?
    He goes away, nice thing ends.
    Move on.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 615 ✭✭✭jellyboy


    The more i can't get what i want ,the more i want it ..

    Maybe a ltdr could be good to see if its really what you think it is?


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