Single male, cannot approach women, and cannot be happy for other people

LegacyUser

Hi,

Damn, that title makes me sound pretty pathetic!

I'm a 25 year old guy, and I haven't had any real sexual contact that I can recall for over 2 years at this stage. I've never had a real relationship, not since secondary school if that counts. I went through a pretty purple patch about 3 years ago where I managed to meet a few girls, went on a good few dates, had a bit of sex, etc. (wasn't seeing them all at the same time!), but now I'm back to being single and having no real prospects.

I'd really like to meet someone and have the closeness and companionship that I see so many of my mates are enjoying with their respective partners. And the sex of course. It's gotten to the point that when good mates end up having girlfriends, or even having sex, I'm secretly resenting them, and in my head wishing they were single and unhappy just like me! I even had to skip a couple of pages in a book I'm reading when the protagonist was about to have sex, and I was quite pleased at the end when he didn't! What kind of weirdo does that sh*t? Not a good mental place to be in!

I'm generally happy with my life other than this to be honest. I've got lots of interests, and my career is going reasonably well. I'm regularly doing evening classes in various things to keep myself busy and to meet people, and while I've met a few people that I've stayed in contact with, there have been no love interests. I'm constantly reminding myself that I'm an interesting guy and decent looking, and have a lot to offer, and that I should just focus on my interests and trying to be as sociable as I can, and that these things happen spontaneously.

I've tried the internet dating thing, and have had a little bit of success to be fair (2 of the girls I was dating before were from POF; one I blew it with by not being casual enough, the other I just wasn't very into so ended it), and I've also gone speed dating with a couple of mates, but that didn't go too well.

The other thing is that I seem to have gone back into my shell somewhat when it comes to approaching women in social situations, e.g. pubs. I have done it on occasion before, and managed to get few dates out of it, but recently I find myself actively trying to avoid situations where I'll have to talk to a woman! I think my confidence has taken a hit lately; I even find myself looking away/at the ground to avoid eye contact with random people I'm passing on the street.

Not sure what else to do really. I'll probably give internet dating another shot, though it does tend to consume a lot of my time once I get started with it!

Is it worth looking at any kind of therapy for this? CBT any good?

Any advice appreciated.

J_E

I read 'sex' a lot in the post. While sex is great, it shouldn't be the end goal of meeting someone (unless you are just looking for a pure hookup, nothing wrong with that), and honestly it isn't the be-all and end-all. Try not to freak out so much about it or be self-depreciative about your situation, things like that tend to project and it can put off people. Learning to enjoy your own company is a pretty important thing to have and it will help you build confidence. There's no 'magic formula' to finding someone you connect with, but keep all avenues open, be it when out, Internet dating, talking with your friends.

I was just confused as to whether you were looking for a hookup or a relationship in the post.

Lou.m

the other I just wasn't very into so ended it

So you CAN approach women...you just have not met the right one yet...that is normal.

You have had an opportunity but you were not feeling it.

Finding the right one is precious and takes time.

Overheal

Speed-dating, gaming the pub scene. How many friends though, do you have that you know, have vaginas?

I remember when I resented other people's sex/happiness, I had almost exactly 0 girl friends, and the girls I was friendly with I had thought about trying to get with. Somewhere down the line I discovered having girl friends that weren't sexual/romantic interests was really refreshing, and each of those friendships helped shape me in some way or form; one became a FWB and she later got married and we're still good friends; one started off from an awkward date/kiss and we just silently fell into being friends. And still some other people that probably should be better friends, but I probably screwed up by being too flirtatious in one way or another (and one I definitely was. Thanks, alcohol). Still, don't overlook the fact that 'just friends' can be a great complement to your life.

I'm generally happy with my life other than this to be honest. I've got lots of interests, and my career is going reasonably well. I'm regularly doing evening classes in various things to keep myself busy and to meet people, and while I've met a few people that I've stayed in contact with, there have been no love interests. I'm constantly reminding myself that I'm an interesting guy and decent looking, and have a lot to offer, and that I should just focus on my interests and trying to be as sociable as I can, and that these things happen spontaneously.

It seems conflicting to me to say you're happy with your other activities but to also say you're single and unhappy. Something in your own life is out of balance, and its not a girlfriend: a relationship should complement you, but you should still be able to be happy without it.

Rubberchikken

Excellent advice/insight from the other posts.
Take the thought of sex (i know - v difficult) out of the picture for a second and realise that maybe you're trying to meet girls in the wrong places.

You know you can have relationships. You just need to start seeing women as people first, getting to know them and enjoying their company. Things should improve after that.
Good luck

RossFixxxed

Let's be honest here: Women are TERRIFING. Right? We've all been there for sure. But it's only over time that you realise that if you can talk to a couple of lads you don't know the exact same thing applies. If you are very actively seeking sex it can really come across as desperate or too intense or even sleazy.

One of the things noticed in studies is that guys in relationships stand about 6 inches further away from girls they are talking to in clubs. It's a tiny cue but it seems to make a difference. You know the old "once you're in a realtionship then people take more notice" paradox that you end up in. Well the trick is to just act that way. Take an interest in PEOPLE, not just 'sexy girls' but people around you, both male and female. An honest interest in someone and a positive attitude is worth way more than any amount of chatting up advice in my mind.

If this is really impacting on the quality of your day to day life then a bit of councelling couldn't do any harm. It's easy for confidence and self esteem to take a battering in these situations, God I've been there. However, I would concentrate on meeting some interesting people and swapping stories. Every girl I've ever gone out with was met by chatting away about things we were interested in, big long discussions not any kind of smooth talking chat up lines rubbish. Genuine interest, and a brilliant chat!