Is this unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Hi all,
Just wondering if I could get your opinions on this. I know it's something I should brooch with my mother, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable in brooching it.

My mother has been a single parent of four children but has had a boyfriend since the start of this year. She's had a few boyfriends over the years but this relationship is a bit different. I was one of the first people to know about him and was at college when I was told. I was also the first of the family to meet him. He's a really nice guy and I'm delighted Mam has found someone that makes her really happy. I genuinely don't have a problem with him as a person, but the effect he has on our mother is causing a few problems within the house.


She's acting completely out of character, to the extent that sometimes, if you had told me someone had possessed her, I would nearly consider it a plausible explanation. We thought it might go back to normal after a month or two, but it's actually getting worse.
As we recently lost our father through a serious argument where things got out of hand (and through that, our half sisters), I'm finding it difficult to watch what is essentially a different woman taking over the place of my mother, and because of the emotions involved, I don't think I'm the right person to judge whether or not I should talk to my mother about it.
I'm now twenty, and I'm one of the very few people who can claim that they've never fallen out with their mam, so we've always been close. As she had me (I'm the eldest) very young, she's been a mother, a sister and a friend to me. I could go to her about anything, and she was a brilliant parent. Now though, I don't think my brothers and sisters are going to have that with her, if it keeps going.

At the first, it was just giggles at everything he said or did. We could tell straight away that it was him on the phone, because she was giggling after the "hello". Although there are no particular problems with this, it was a sign that it was going to be a bit different from previous relationships. Then there were more and more things that were a bit different until she has become nearly unrecognisable. I think the best way to explain it is to give an example of the last week:


Last weekend, she came home from his house (it was a weekend at Dads, or in me and one of my brothers cases, a weekend at home). She walked into the house and it took me a second or two to figure out if she was drunk. She wasn't, but definitely looked it. We try telling her about our weekend but she wasn't listening at all. Instead, to have some form of conversation, we tried bringing up other topics of conversation, but they were just dismissed with a look where usually, the topics would bring up a great discussion.
So we asked about her weekend and it was only that that sparked her speaking... and she spent the rest of the evening talking about him, and the stuff he does. Over the last month or so, the only time Mam speaks, it's either about her boyfriend, to her boyfriend or about the things her boyfriend is involved in. She talks about his hobbies in a way that implies she's an expert, but she may have only just been told. This is odd in that usually, she wouldn't form an opinion on something, or attempt to teach something, unless she was fully informed. Everything else gets dismissed. Honestly, it feels as though I could tell her the dog has died, and she would just nod, because it has nothing to do with her boyfriend.


So the week continued. She went from the absentminded dreamy drunk looking state, to snappy and irritated around the middle of the week, before picking up again near the end of the week because her boyfriend was coming up here. When he walking in the door way, she was straight over and they stood kissing in the doorway, which we felt was uncomfortable and unnecessary.

On Friday, I rang after nobody showed up to collect me from work. It turns out they had gone on a drive and wouldn't be back for a few hours. This morning, I was late for work because, despite knocking on the door several times and leaving tea, Mam didn't get up until I told her I was meant to be there by that stage. When I got home in the evening, her boyfriend decided to go for a nap. This meant everyone in the house had to be silent. My youngest brother, who has behaviour problems at the best of times, struggled with being quiet for so long. He began singing loudly in the kitchen, and Mam got a phone call from her boyfriend to say he couldn't sleep because of the noise.

This might seem a bit petty of me to say, but it really seems as though her focus has shifted from herself and her family and her life, to everything about her boyfriend. If she was like this because it was the beginning of the relationship, then it would be a bit more understandable, but it's been like this for months and getting worse. When they're not together, they're nearly constantly on the phone. Her boyfriend's mother has picked up on it, as Mam was giving out about her complaining about the amount of time spent on each other.

There are a few other things that are out of character too. I've been in a relationship since last December. Usually I am quite reserved, especially with my family as I don't feel it's necessary for them to know. However, Mam's been trying to have conversations about our sex lives, despite knowing I'd rather not say. Plus, I highly doubt it's a conversation you particularly want to have with your mother.

So, is this something I should bring up with my mother, or am I just being silly and unreasonable, and keep to my own business, especially when I'm going back to college in September?

jellyboy

Hi op

Could you space the paragraphs,its like reading a wall of words ,and could be effective in you getting a wrong answer …

I have a daughter around the same age as you ,so as a father I'm going to speak to you as i would to her for the first bit ..

Grow up (insert your name here ) stop trying to control an adult,your not God and never will be

now to the wise man of the west bit

my kids are leaving home ,the relief i feel is unbelievable
i don't have to worry about nappys ,food,schools,turning down invitations out in case i wouldn't make that very important meeting for school,broken uniforms,putting a roof over heads,friends,not friends ,fights,being a taxi,insurance,holidays,being a bank that never got any lodgments or pay back of loans

being a counsellor,break ups,break downs,

turning down offers of love ,putting my life behind my kids in order for them to have the best possible start in life ,doing the worst mundane jobs to make life turn

the stress ,anxiety,depression,worry,

When the last one leaves (1 month,2 weeks ,3 days ,7,hours) time ,i will be free of 90 percent of the above

All ready i have bought a two door sports car,and i now walk around my house in my underwear,not that I'm perverted and want the neighbors to see my wobbly ass ..but because i can

my son walks in and screams ,your twisted for walking round in your jocks,my answer to him is …when you get your house you too will know what its like to feel the soaring wind between your buttocks on a sunday morning
its one of mans greatest pleasures (i have some much admiration for the kilts and scots)

your mother is free

you are imprisoned buy your thoughts of what your mother should be

She is free,very soon the path of age and death will come closer..my guess is that she is choosing life instead of conforming to others ideas of what she should be ..

embrace her,overcome yourself to enjoy and support her life
the true essence of life is love,she has found it ,wether its good or bad for her nobody has any right to judge her for her choices


(please note i haven't gone the route of blaming you,this is because you need to be treated kindly as well,inside my soul when i read your post i read a small Childs world being rocked and shaking to its core ..after a period after growing into the changes that you see ,understand that at 20 ,you will never get the experiences and understanding if you remain closed minded and move out! it won't hurt so bad then )

desbrook

I'll be honest - I can't get over the fact that you're twenty and get collected from work. Edit - you expect to get driven there too!!

LegacyUser

desbrook wrote: »

I'll be honest - I can't get over the fact that you're twenty and get collected from work. Edit - you expect to get driven there too!!

Hi, sorry, there are several reasons I'm not driving yet such as injuries, expenses of both lessons and running a car, living away in college, etc.

Jellyboy, sorry, I didn't realise how badly my paragraphs translated on screen. As I'm anon for this though, I need a mod to change them.
I'm usually away from home, as college is quite far. I came home for the summer at my mother's request, so although I understand why you say to move out, I haven't really been living at home for the last three years and will be going again in September.
I know, and agree that she is living her life. However, unlike you, I am the first to move out and my three younger siblings have still another few years before they can too. I am just worried that, with this change, they won't have the same availability that was provided for me through my years growing up. I would have thought (maybe I'm completely wrong in this) that Mam still had a responsibility to be emotionally and physically available to her other children, which is quickly becoming less and less of the case. Again though, maybe it is just my own emotions clouding my judgement, which is why I posted here.

OP I've added paragraphs for you

mylefttesticle

Your mother is in a throws of a full on passionate romance where they cannot keep their hands of each other and everything is so interesting, it will naturally become more normal for now let your mother enjoy this she probably deserves it and it makes her happy.


As for you, your 20, make your own fecking way to work and don't knock on doors when two people are having some loving!

strandroad

She's in love and behaving like people in love do, she's just older so it feels more grating. She raised four children and probably craves some time/attention for herself. Why don't you give her that and live your own lives? She's not harming anyone apart from not having her full attention on her (grown up or growing up) children anymore. If she was all about you still and never found anyone you would find it unbearable after a few years.

desbrook

Wow OP - So the only alternative to your mam chauffeuring you to work is your own car?? (which I'd bet you'd expect her to pay for)

Get a bus or buy a bike. Your mam has worked hard. It's a pity you aren't happy for her and planning to take her shopping today..

LegacyUser

"You're mother is a adult and entitled to a sex life so mind your own business you're an adult too blah blah blah"

Expect to get a lot of replies like this.

What people conveniently miss is she still has younger kids at home. Having to keep silent in their own house because her new sweetie wants a nap is bad sign. Him actually ringing your mother from upstairs to shut her son, with behavior problems up, is an even worse one.
Why doesn't he go have a nap in his own house? If his sleep is that important to him eh?
But no, if she told him that he might leave her , find someone without the baggage and then what.
You can try and talk to her about it but most likely she'll rabbit on the same kind of replies here "oh im a sexual being and i deserve this and im entitled to that haven't I done enough for ye etc"

She's probably lonely , excited about having a new relationship and in the flurries of loves young dream - even if it feels like they've been together a good while already.
It could all end , or they could stay together but she settles down and returns to normal a bit in a few months. You don't know. You could come home tomorrow
And he's moved in!

Anyway what can you do? Be there as much as you can for your younger siblings and ride it out til you go back to college. Try and become as independent as is possible for you.
And if at all possible maybe work on mending the relationship with your dad.

LegacyUser

Thanks Bluewolf

mylefttesticle- as already explained, I have several reasons for not driving yet. I just would have thought, after 5/6 months, it would have become become more normal, as opposed to less.

mhge- it's never been all about us, nor would I ask that. It's just turned into nothing about anyone or anything else except for her boyfriend. We're not asking for her full attention, nor have we ever asked for her full attention, but if one of us is going going through a rough time (and one of us is), we're asking her to be there (which she isn't).

desbrook- yes, that is the only alternative. We live in a very rural place. There are no buses or public transport. My workplace is miles away, so a bike wouldn't be realistic. Everyone relies on cars and their own transport around here and unfortunately, despite this job being full time, it's not paid so I currently can't afford my own car. I would take her shopping every day if I could, and if she actually liked going shopping. I try my best to show her how much everything is appreciated that she has done through out the years in other ways.

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm not disputing them in any way, and I'm taking everything on board. The post is just to clear some things up that may have got lost in translation.

December2012

It's a bit of an adjustment when you realise that you're not the most fascinating thing in your Mams life.

It sounds like your dad has moved on and had more romance after they broke up.

Now it's your Mams turn.

freshpopcorn

desbrook wrote: »

I'll be honest - I can't get over the fact that you're twenty and get collected from work. Edit - you expect to get driven there too!!

I will stand up for the OP a little here. I know where I came from most people were driven/collected from weekend work because it was a rural area and there were no buses and the only way to access the town was via a busy/dangerous road and most peoples parents wouldn't allow them to cycle. But if you leave in a town you should really make the effort to walk.
Can you make alternative arrangements that get to/from work OP?
I think your mam is all loved up. Most people don't like to think of there parents like that but she deserves to feel loved. It might just take a bit of time to get used to this change in your life. She might be thinking of herself for a change.

Rubberchikken

Your mother is in that stage that only silly teens should be in.
Maybe the fact that she was young having you and may not have had the easiest life means that now this guy is taking on an importance than will probably only last a short time more.

I'll be honest and say that i have no patience with adults that put others, as in these circumstances, before their family.

I certainly wouldnt have my son having to keep quiet because some guy needs to sleep. Let him go home if he wants to sleep.

Op, you could try talking to her and i wish you well in doing so, but i dont think there'll be much success.

Dellnum

Sorry to hear you feel neglected Op and the rest of your siblings. There is no reason why your mother should devote all her attention to this man. I am sure she loves her family and she should have regard for their feelings too. All you can do is tell her in a nice way how you feel. She may not realize how her behaviour is effecting you. Hope this all works out for you.

diveout

Do you think she is losing herself in this?

Lou.m

You mother sounds like she is a dependent personality type. She replaces a sense of self with a sense of other people. Whereas these other people were you and your family before it is now the boyfriend.

Somewhere all apart from this is your true mother. Perhaps you are too close ..and she never learnt to be herself independently.

Your mother is an adult and can kiss her boyfriend where she wants.

I think your mother wants to start having a more adult relationship with you which is healthy whereas you want to stay in the child /parent one where you take up a good deal more of her thoughts and don't see the adult side of her. She is expressing the other side of her.

But the other thing is she seems to be a very weak willed person who needs someone to tell her who she is. Before it was all family that filled her thoughts ..(which is not healthy) now that you are older ..it is the boyfriend (not healthy either) where is the sense of herself?

On Friday, I rang after nobody showed up to collect me from work. It turns out they had gone on a drive and wouldn't be back for a few hours. This morning, I was late for work because, despite knocking on the door several times and leaving tea, Mam didn't get up until I told her I was meant to be there by that stage. When I got home in the evening, her boyfriend decided to go for a nap.

You are being really unreasonable here. ??? You blame your mother for being late because she did not get up to bring you and you are 20? Thats not right.

When I got home in the evening, her boyfriend decided to go for a nap. This meant everyone in the house had to be silent. My youngest brother, who has behaviour problems at the best of times, struggled with being quiet for so long. He began singing loudly in the kitchen, and Mam got a phone call from her boyfriend to say he couldn't sleep because of the noise.

This here is unreasonable ..she has a first responsibility to the youngest child...if the boyfriend lived there and had no home himself and was working nights or something it would be different. He is being unreasonable and so is your mother here.


OP to be honest it sounds to me like your mother allows everyone to be dependent on her you her family and the boyfriend to an unhealthy degree. What strikes me is how dependent YOU are on your mother still. And how her personality was family ..then boyfriend...it is possible you mother has not truly expressed personality based on herself...but through the needs of other...first you guys and no the boyfriend.

Neither way is correct. It seems she gets lost in many relationships....either the ones with you and her other kids or the boyfriend.

LegacyUser

If the mother doesn't want to collect or drop the OP to work then she should say so. Not just leave her hanging at the last minute because lover boy fancies a drive or a lay in. It is ignorant behavior.
I really don't see why people are so fixated on that one detail of the situation.
The OP and her mother have an arrangement. The mother is now flaking out on it on a whim. Her mother obviously knows she has no other way to get to work and doesn't care, doesn't think of it.
Yes the OP is 20 , but that's still no way to treat someone like that whether its your daughter, friend, partner or housemate.
Hopefully the OP will be able to find some other arrangement from now on.
She needs to become as independent now as humanly possible not just because she's 20 but because this person can not be depended on.
I hope her younger siblings have a school bus available to them in September..

Xterminator

OP there seem to be 2 points of view here.

1 - your mother is entitled to a little 'my time'. and she is.

2. your mother should never put her relationship before her family.

i think there is probably a good balance between the two.

to be honest from your 1st post i did get the impression your nose was a little out of joint and not being the primary focus of your mothers attention.

You say you have younger siblings, but dont say how young. I think once children reach a certain age they no longer need to be 'entertained' constantly. what age is the youngest, and what needs are not being tended to? can the older siblings help out here?

You do understand that your mother has had to make sacrifices to raise her kids to this point yes? She has obviously given herself permission to put her needs to the fore here.

And i dont think its unreasonable to ask people to be quiet if someone is sleeping, within reason. If its don't make a single sound or get out of the house then that is over the top , but keep your voice down, or turn down the TV is not unreasonable.

It is quite natural that her relationship will move on from the totally caught up in each other honeymoon phase to a less intense one. do you need to intervene? Is it an unhealthy obsession? I don't think the readers of boards can make that judgement based on what you have said,Is your mother the sole source of travel and food and housework in your house?

however if you feel there are problems that cannot be put off, like the feeding or minding of young siblings who do still need that attention, then perhaps you can get your mum on neutral ground like over a coffee and discuss your concerns.

X

LegacyUser

OP, it is a tough one. To go through a few of your points, you say that your mother had you young, you have never fallen out and that she has now tried to talk to you as a peer about your sex life. You also say that her boyfriend's mother is complaining about the amount of time that they spend together. This is where I see the first problem. I suspect that your mother is very immature for her age and I suspect that so is her boyfriend. They are acting like a pair of love struck teenagers (which is fine but your mother has kids and responsibilities).

When I was your age, I had a job in the nearest town (7 miles away). There was a bus at 8am and a return one at 4:30. I worked 12-6. This meant that I had to be collected and dropped off. I used to come home with my father after work, which meant waiting around (it was fine) and it used to mean travelling in very early and sitting in the library or getting a lift some days. If I needed to organise a lift home in the evening, I had to speak to neighbours, etc early in the day. Finishing and realising that you are stuck is no good. I entirely get it, which ties into the immaturity I referred to above. She just doesn't think of anyone else.

I think that you need to bring it up with a relative, such as an aunt and voice your concerns. This means that if your siblings need help or support during the year you are away, there is someone who understands the score and might also try to talk sense into your mother.I don't know if speaking to her will actually work so you need to find some support for yourself and your siblings.

For what it is worth, I saw something similar happen in a family when I was in college. The sad thing is, the siblings are all scattered now, they have reconciled with their father and their mother is alone and very much unloved. The eldest got married recently and she wasn't invited. She travelled across the world to meet the second and she wouldn't have anything to do with her. Slightly different, but the hurt that she caused by always prioritising a boyfriend above her kids (primary and secondary school at the time) seems to have damaged their relationship beyond repair. Their father had moved on and had more kids at this stage and there had been a falling out.

Get yourself some support and don't listen to anyone who is tells you that she is entitled to start living her life the way she wants now. She has children and responsibilities.