Dog's grave

LegacyUser

Boards regular here, going unreg.
I've just read over what follows and while it might seem silly or frivilous to some I am amazed by how upset I was simply typing it up.
My mother has sold her house, almost two years after my father's death, and will be leaving the mouse in mid-September. I fully support her in this, she's definitely doing the right thing for her. Still, it's a hard one to get the head around, heartbreaking in fact, a lot of memories are attached to the place for all of us.
The particular thing I'm focussing on is the grave of my beloved dog. He died more than 15 years ago, but he was mine and I loved him and I can't stand the thought of him just being forgotten. He has a flat stone on the lawn with just his name engraved on it, but this is in a place where it could easily be overgrown and overlooked, or the stone could be picked up and moved.
I can't just take the stone, because that in itself is meaningless and would leave the grave unmarked. Obviously it's completely out of the question to disinter the remains. I can't expect the new owners to respect the grave of some dog, but I want them to at least know about him. I've never met the new owners and I don't see how I ever will so there will be no opportunity to casually mention it.
He was a great dog, a really special fellow, and I am eaten up by the feeling that I'm abandoning him.
I'm aware that I'm probably transferring all my issues about dad's death and everything onto the dog, but that doesn't mean it's not a real problem.

strandroad

Just collect the stone. His remains are gone after 15 years, returned to nature. You will remember him and you'll have the stone as a reminder, you can place it wherever you settle.

macplato

Of course it's a real problem, OP, I completely get that this is a painful issue for you. The thing is, often in life there aren't adequate solutions to important problems, and all we can do is to accept our helplessness over what's happening to us. Young people get terminally ill, people struggle with unexplained infertility, people lose their homes, photos and all their possessions in natural disasters, and so on. Often all we can do is to look on, as who and what we love and cherish disappears right in front of our eyes.

Helplessness seems to be the most painful, the most unbearable emotion we can feel, and we try to avoid feeling it at all cost, by coming up with and abandoning solutions that can't work, by blaming other people, by worrying and over-thinking. But really, the healthiest, wisest thing to do here, after realising that you can't find the right solution, is to accept that this thing is now out of your control.

If it was me, and I felt as strongly about it as you do, I think I would retrieve my dog's bones and buried them somewhere in nature, but since you said this is not an option for you, then really, the only thing you can do is to accept the loss, grieve it, and with time allow yourself to move on.

Rubberchikken

We buried our dog who meant the world to me in our back yard 10 years ago and we buried our other dog who also meant the world to us only 2 weeks ago, so i do understand.

For carious reasons i considered selling last year but in the end i just couldnt go through with it as i couldnt imagine leaving the grave for strangers.

You're in a different position in that the house is sold.
It'll be tough to decide the thing to do but whatever you decide will be the right one.
You're a very kind person to be putting so much thought into this. He sounds like he was a very special dog.
And whatever you decide, while you remember him, he'll never be forgotten and rightly so.
Good luck

I don't meant to be insensitive, I'm a massive dog lover and always will be, but a dog we had died when I was 9 and 12 years later my dad had to dig up his remains up as he needed to build an extension to the house to accommodate our gran to come live with us. When the dog was buried my man wrapped him in her favourite Aran cardigan, when dad dug up the hole the cardigan was there but all signs of the dog were gone.

You are not abandoning him because you still have love for him after 15 years, all you need to bring with you are your memories of the doggie. Please bring the stone, it is not meaningless so long as you have precious memories of your dog.

Lou.m

Footswitch wrote: »

Boards regular here, going unreg.
I've just read over what follows and while it might seem silly or frivilous to some I am amazed by how upset I was simply typing it up.
My mother has sold her house, almost two years after my father's death, and will be leaving the mouse in mid-September. I fully support her in this, she's definitely doing the right thing for her. Still, it's a hard one to get the head around, heartbreaking in fact, a lot of memories are attached to the place for all of us.
The particular thing I'm focussing on is the grave of my beloved dog. He died more than 15 years ago, but he was mine and I loved him and I can't stand the thought of him just being forgotten. He has a flat stone on the lawn with just his name engraved on it, but this is in a place where it could easily be overgrown and overlooked, or the stone could be picked up and moved.
I can't just take the stone, because that in itself is meaningless and would leave the grave unmarked. Obviously it's completely out of the question to disinter the remains. I can't expect the new owners to respect the grave of some dog, but I want them to at least know about him. I've never met the new owners and I don't see how I ever will so there will be no opportunity to casually mention it.
He was a great dog, a really special fellow, and I am eaten up by the feeling that I'm abandoning him.
I'm aware that I'm probably transferring all my issues about dad's death and everything onto the dog, but that doesn't mean it's not a real problem.

I understand. Perhaps writing a letter to your dog and your father might help.

You could collect the stone if you wish to.

You have memories and still have the love.

HUGS OP

I bet many dogs would have loved a owner like you. I bet your dog had a lovely life and felt very special and loved by you .

mylefttesticle

You have the memories and they are better than the house, the stone and what is under the earth.


Life has to move on for everyone and before it becomes unhealthy for you, you need to find a way to accept that it was only a house and it is only a grave, they are not really important, the memories you have are, they are the ones you need to remember and cherish.

amdublin

It's completely understandable imo.

I'd mention it to the new owners, a lot of people are close to their pets.

I wouldn't take the stone, as you say then it wouldn't be marked. Maybe take a photo of it. Plus also maybe plant a nice plant or tree on it before your mam leaves.

ash23

I'd say there's very little remains left after this long OP. Personally I think I'd take some of the soil from the dogs grave, use it to plant a nice tree/plant in your own garden and have the stone there.

freshpopcorn

amdublin wrote: »

It's completely understandable imo.

I'd mention it to the new owners, a lot of people are close to their pets.

I wouldn't take the stone, as you say then it wouldn't be marked. Maybe take a photo of it. Plus also maybe plant a nice plant or tree on it before your mam leaves.

The only problem is if she doesn't take the stone the new owners might just jump it.

LegacyUser

OP back again.
Reading these replies was helpful in that I crystallised in my mind what the problem is.
I won't take the stone because it leaves the grave unmarked, and because the stone means nothing to me really. I have his collar and a few other things that are much more meaningful.
I'm going to write a short letter to the new owners explaining about the significance of the stone. I'll include a few details about the dog and maybe a photo (if I can bear to part with one). I have discovered that they are dog people, and my idea is that once they have a face put with the name on the stone they'll be more likely to retain it. It's not a proper grave, just a stone about the size of my laptop screen with the name on it, under some trees, flat on the ground. A lawnmower can run right over it. Once I've done this I'll at least feel like I've 'handed him over' to be minded by someone rather than just abandoning him.
It actually feels like I'm losing him all over again, which is silly but there you go.
Thanks everybody for your sensitivity and suggestions. If nothing else I have learned that from now on cremation is the way to go.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Stavro Mueller

Footswitch wrote: »

...I can't expect the new owners to respect the grave of some dog, but I want them to at least know about him. I've never met the new owners and I don't see how I ever will so there will be no opportunity to casually mention it.

OP, I'm going to start off by saying I'm a massive dog lover and any dog that has come into our house has become one of the family. I also know how heartbreaking it is to lose a pet. I don't mean to be insensitive but....

Let's be realistic here. Even if the new owners love dogs as well, it's more than likely that their eyes will start to glaze over if you start going on about some dog they've never met. Who's buried in their garden. Under a stone. It's like when a proud parent starts going on about little Johnny and how talented he is. Little Johnny might be the person who goes on to find a cure for cancer but most people only listen out of politeness while they wish proud parent would shut up.

I really like Ash's suggestion about taking soil from the dog's grave and planting a tree. As has been pointed out already, it's highly unlikely that there is anything left of your dog in that spot any more. If you leave the dog's stone behind, you won't have control over what happens to it. Chances are they'll rip it up and throw it away. Not everyone even believes in marking a dog's grave so they may not think of it as more than a nuisance or someone who should get over themselves. Sorry if I'm being tactless here but I'm throwing those thoughts out there.

Why not move the stone to where you live now and create a new living memorial to him? It'll be safe and you can look at the tree grow.

strandroad

ash23 wrote: »

I'd say there's very little remains left after this long OP. Personally I think I'd take some of the soil from the dogs grave, use it to plant a nice tree/plant in your own garden and have the stone there.

This is perfect!

LegacyUser

op i think you should just take the stone with you. you will be making the new owners feel guilty. what if they decide to get work done on the garden? what if their son or daughter break it? what if they sell it again or want to rent it out?

Stavro Mueller

I see you came back and updated us. Glad to see you've come to a decision. I just thought I'd advise you not to waste a precious photo on the new owners seeing as you're writing a letter. Even if they are dog people they're never going to appreciate your dog in the way that you did. That photo will be hitting the bin and life will go on.

strandroad

They won't care about the stone, you can't count on it being respected. They may say they will, and even mean it, but realistically when they need to rearrange something they'll dump it, and TBH it's not their duty to respect it, there is no "handing over" the way you imagine it. They may also sell the house to someone else who will dump it. It's OK if you're prepared for the fact that the stone will be removed/destroyed, but you seem to be under the impression that they will respect it the way you would have yourself - not likely! If you can't accept it being dumped, you should take it.

Gael23

I think you should take the stone with you and leave him buried where he is, then if you want you can make a little memorial to him in your new home.

As an owner of an elderly dog, things like this come to my mind from time to time and for this reason. I want him with me always so thats why I think cremation is the way to go.