can feelings change so fast?

mrty

OK here's the story, well greatly shortened version anyway. Basically my ex girlfriend recently ended a 3 1/2 year relationship with me, happens all the time right. So the week before she ended things everything seemed great same as usual we always got on great, the odd niggle but never anything major. Anyway as I said the week before it ended we were chatting and texting as always nice loved up stuff. I'm quoting a couple of things said just for clarification because I'm completely baffled OK so: her "I can't wait to see you again so you can hold me and keep me safe" "I hate being apart from you I can't wait till we never have to be apart again" and then the last thing she said to me before she seen me before the breakup was " I love you so so much". OK sounds like a fairly solid relationship, well that's what I would have thought anyway. However a week goes by we finally meet again I'm delighted as always, she's acting weird, spent a nice evening together, next morning BOOM dumped. Is this strange do feelings change so quickly am I so naive when it comes to women? We were planning a future together and for it to end in such a manner just seems strange to me. I was never bad to her never cheated, lied, and was always kind and treated her well. I understand that people go off people but in less than a fortnight. Mm odd. A womans perspective would be very welcome. Yours heartbroken Marty.

strandroad

Don't rely on what she was declaring. Often people try to talk themselves into feeling something again when in fact it has already fizzled out for them.
She was honest with you later, appreciate that.

louisenf2014

Hey OP,

Sorry to hear you are heartbroken

What was her reason? After 3.5 years I would have expected there would be some communication surrounding your break-up? I think as the previous poster has said, I too have been guilty of trying really hard to put a relationship back to the way it was before or wanted it to be before calling time on it. So, if you pull out all the stops and say and do all the right things and it still doesn't feel right, maybe it's time to go.

That said, if she was sending messages saying "I can't wait until we never have to be apart" - well I don't think you would say that to someone if breaking up was anywhere in your head.

Have you guys ever broken up before?

Wibbs

Around the three year mark the "honeymoon period" is running its course and the long term prospect is coming into play. Any niggles she had about you or the relationship start to come more and more to the fore and are harder to ignore. There may still be strong feelings about you going on, but the "I love you" feelings may be receding. This can be very confusing as a part of her wants it to work, but the other part reckons it's all over but the shouting. As Mhge said she was likely talking the talk in the hope that the old feelings would re-emerge.

All this can look like a sudden out of the blue thing, but IMHO and IME it rarely is. If you want to dig out what caused this* look at any niggles, or arguments in the early days of the relationship, niggles and arguments that went away but were never really resolved, cause that's a likely reason. Throw your mind back around the 6 month mark and see if anything cropped up then, again something not fully resolved. Or it could be quite simply that after the honeymoon period her head and stage of life wasn't in the space to continue.

This is common enough. You'll see a similar pattern around these parts if you're around long enough. I've seen it in my own life and with mates relationships too. I've had a long term ex tell me she loved me 10 hours before snogging another bloke and confessing she was "confused" and "needed a break to think". She was confused? I was well effin bewildered. OK I may smile now, but if the heart had a pair of bollocks it was a right kick in them I can tell you. I was completely thrown TBH. Didn't see it coming at all. Not long after and thinking on it I was stupid not to see it coming. There was an unresolved issue that I largely ignored or didn't seek a resolution and she had started to emotionally detach a few months previously and while was convinced she still loved me and all that jazz, she was subconsciously looking for an out.

Now she acted in a very shabby way, so as it turned out(and from what I observed afterward) well rid and bullet dodged and I can see that now, but couldn't then. Your now ex at least hasn't pulled that kinda guff, but this will throw you for six for a time.

My advice, though I doubt you'll follow it and I wouldn't have in my example, is make as clean a break as possible. This. Will. Be. Difficult. Make no mistake. But the best thing for you is to detach from her and that stage of your life as easily and quickly as possible.

Don't go along with any suggestion of "being friends". If it comes it'll come from her because she wants to feel less guilty, or it'll come from you looking for hope, or a little from column A and a little from column B. Hiding to nowhere. She's already largely moved on so no skin off her nose, but you'll be stuck in limbo longer than you need to be. Don't be a dick about it, but cut contact with her after any relationshippy stuff has been sorted(living arrangements, shared stuff etc). The sooner you do this, the sooner your path back to the rest of your life will be found.

Good luck.




*she may not tell you if asked. She may want to spare your feelings or she may not quite know the concrete why herself beyond "not feeling it anymore".

mrty

louisenf2014 wrote: »

Hey OP,

Sorry to hear you are heartbroken

What was her reason? After 3.5 years I would have expected there would be some communication surrounding your break-up? I think as the previous poster has said, I too have been guilty of trying really hard to put a relationship back to the way it was before or wanted it to be before calling time on it. So, if you pull out all the stops and say and do all the right things and it still doesn't feel right, maybe it's time to go.

That said, if she was sending messages saying "I can't wait until we never have to be apart" - well I don't think you would say that to someone if breaking up was anywhere in your head.

Have you guys ever broken up before?

Hi Louise thanks for the reply. We had never broken up in the past, we genuinely did have a good relationship for the time we were together we were very happy. The answers she gave me were fairly vague, quite a few contradictions if I remember I think I kind of lead her response to my questions by suggesting reasons why it might be happening and she would pretty much just agree. To be honest I can't remember exactly it happened quite fast and I was pretty devastated, the time since has been kind of a blur.
What I didn't mention was at the time my father was critically I'll in intensive care for about 7 weeks so I didn't see much of her for that time although she did come up and was brilliant when she did she was very caring and supportive. Its possible she was feel I g this way during this time and may not have wanted to hurt me a such a time?

mrty

Wibbs wrote: »

Around the three year mark the "honeymoon period" is running its course and the long term prospect is coming into play. Any niggles she had about you or the relationship start to come more and more to the fore and are harder to ignore. There may still be strong feelings about you going on, but the "I love you" feelings may be receding. This can be very confusing as a part of her wants it to work, but the other part reckons it's all over but the shouting. As Mhge said she was likely talking the talk in the hope that the old feelings would re-emerge.

All this can look like a sudden out of the blue thing, but IMHO and IME it rarely is. If you want to dig out what caused this* look at any niggles, or arguments in the early days of the relationship, niggles and arguments that went away but were never really resolved, cause that's a likely reason. Throw your mind back around the 6 month mark and see if anything cropped up then, again something not fully resolved. Or it could be quite simply that after the honeymoon period her head and stage of life wasn't in the space to continue.

This is common enough. You'll see a similar pattern around these parts if you're around long enough. I've seen it in my own life and with mates relationships too. I've had a long term ex tell me she loved me 10 hours before snogging another bloke and confessing she was "confused" and "needed a break to think". She was confused? I was well effin bewildered. OK I may smile now, but if the heart had a pair of bollocks it was a right kick in them I can tell you. I was completely thrown TBH. Didn't see it coming at all. Not long after and thinking on it I was stupid not to see it coming. There was an unresolved issue that I largely ignored or didn't seek a resolution and she had started to emotionally detach a few months previously and while was convinced she still loved me and all that jazz, she was subconsciously looking for an out.

Now she acted in a very shabby way, so as it turned out(and from what I observed afterward) well rid and bullet dodged and I can see that now, but couldn't then. Your now ex at least hasn't pulled that kinda guff, but this will throw you for six for a time.

My advice, though I doubt you'll follow it and I wouldn't have in my example, is make as clean a break as possible. This. Will. Be. Difficult. Make no mistake. But the best thing for you is to detach from her and that stage of your life as easily and quickly as possible.

Don't go along with any suggestion of "being friends". If it comes it'll come from her because she wants to feel less guilty, or it'll come from you looking for hope, or a little from column A and a little from column B. Hiding to nowhere. She's already largely moved on so no skin off her nose, but you'll be stuck in limbo longer than you need to be. Don't be a dick about it, but cut contact with her after any relationshippy stuff has been sorted(living arrangements, shared stuff etc). The sooner you do this, the sooner your path back to the rest of your life will be found.

Good luck.




*she may not tell you if asked. She may want to spare your feelings or she may not quite know the concrete why herself beyond "not feeling it anymore".

Thanks a lot sir, the bottom paragraph the friends thing, the whole paragraph really, very true. Thanks again.

Eeden

I think that sometimes, when one party in a relationship is having doubts, they try to crank up the romance in the hope that things might get better. It's a way of testing the relationship.

But then when things don't improve, and they break up the relationship, the person who is being dumped is even more wrong-footed - having thought that things were going better than ever, they suddenly find that their partner wants to end it.

It does make the end seem as though it comes out of nowhere.

Try not to blame yourself.

mrty

Doubt anyone is still following this but for those of you who answered me. I found out today that there was and is another guy involved, i feel like a worthless piece of crap. I really feel **** and i was actually doing okay now this has just brought it all back.

Tasden

mrty wrote: »

Doubt anyone is still following this but for those of you who answered me. I found out today that there was and is another guy involved, i feel like a worthless piece of crap. I really feel **** and i was actually doing okay now this has just brought it all back.

So sorry to hear that you'll begin to feel better again, just like you did after the break up itself, just take it day by day

Penny Tration

mrty wrote: »

Doubt anyone is still following this but for those of you who answered me. I found out today that there was and is another guy involved, i feel like a worthless piece of crap. I really feel **** and i was actually doing okay now this has just brought it all back.

I know you feel awful, and you're bound to. But it's better to find out now than after a marriage/kids. You now know that she's a cheating cow who you deserve better than. Keep working on yourself, you'll start feeling better again soon mate

CaraMay

You aren't the worthless piece of crap

north_star_33

As soon as i read this ....i knew another lad was involved

move on mate...plenty more fish in the sea....

LegacyUser

mrty wrote: »

Doubt anyone is still following this but for those of you who answered me. I found out today that there was and is another guy involved, i feel like a worthless piece of crap. I really feel **** and i was actually doing okay now this has just brought it all back.

Ah man, that's pretty bad to hear but look at it like this: that's rock bottom for you. The only way is up. Better to find out now she was going to cheat than when engaged or married (which I've seen happen and it's not pretty, especially when mortgages are involved)

Take it one day at a time. Forget about her, forget her facebook/number etc. There are some things you don't want or need to know in order to help you move on. Talk with your friends how you are, I'm sure they will offer their own view and advice to you.

I'm out of an LTR myself, where she left me a few months ago. Broken I was, everyday was a bag of mixed emotions, everyone was in the firing line. But I woke up one day and my feelings changed, suddenly things didn't seem so bad. I don't miss my ex anymore in the same way I used to, I no longer worried about how she was or how she was getting on, she was managing well without me so that suits me fine. Now, I'm only looking at the good things I have to look foreward to, without the worry of being in a relationship, I feel free for the first time in years

Chin up man, things will pick up

mrty

Many thanks to all of folk it's nice to know there's some decent people about. Its still very hard but hopefully things will get better with time.