What's so unattractive about me?

RandomFellow

Hi. Don't really know what I'm doing here but here goes! I've been out a fair few times this year and have had 0% success. I do all the proper things, dress well, wear my hair properly, clean shaven, smell nice. Act like a true gentleman, throw in proper compliments (i.e.: not sleazy), dance without inhibition and while I get a bit tipsy on the rare occasion, I'm still very much in control and don't do anything stupid. As I said, I'm a gentleman so if the girl says no, I back off, I don't believe in persistence. Why is it that I'm repulsive, unattractive to most women on nights out? Surely I can't be all that ugly!? I just don't get it!

corkgsxr

If ya make a big effort I can come across as desperate.

Relax have fun. Girls like fun guys

ongarboy

Without being blunt, it's possibly the mindset you have that is the cause as it translates into the wording of your thread title and acknowledging through your questions as to why you are so repulsive and unattractive.

I'm pretty certain you are neither unattractive nor repulsive but your defeatist attitude is probably doing you no favours. Yes, you may not be attracting women the way you want but explaining it away that it must be because of how ugly or repulsive you are will not change things. Maybe change your tactics. You mention dancing and a bit of drink. Are you doing all your pursuing on the dancefloor or at nightclubs? Try other ways to meet women through mixed gender activities (tag rugby, meetup.com events, hill-walking or cinema groups) where you get to know women (not just as potential hook ups but as friends or outlets for them to introduce you to their female friends). They in turn get to know your real self rather than the image you are trying to project on the dancefloor, shouting over the loud music or with the aid of a few drinks.

Yes, that nightclub/drinks/pub environment is how it works for most people maybe but if it's not working for you, then you need to change your tactic and start by liking yourself more and not assuming that if things don't work out, it must always be because of you or your looks.

MissFlitworth

Ask someone who goes out with you, if possible a female friend, how you're coming across when you're approaching women.

Carson10

stop running yourself down. You need to realize, what i have. Irish girls over rate themselves and only want a guy who treats them bad and who will give them cause to create drama.

Most girls in niteclubs/bars these days are only there to get wasted and take photos of themselves.

You need to join a group or club where you can meet the type of girl you are interested in. Dont waste your time on those over self-indulged girls in niteclubs.

Tokyo

Carson10 - this is your second warning in less than ten minutes for making gross generalisations. I'll give you the benefit fo the doubt of not seeing the first warning for now, however any further breaches of the charter like this will be actioned.

Don't post in PI again until you have acknowledged that you have read the charter and are willing to abide by it.

Regards,
Mike

Lou.m

Very few women hook up with men they have not met before unless they know someone you do.

Approach someone you know a little and ask a few women out that way.

Rubberchikken

Maybe the pub/club environment isn't always the right place.

Try somewhere different and see.
What anout surf lessons if you're game. Great fun and you're doing something. Takes a lot of the pressure off people.
If surfing/swimming's not your thing, swop it for something else.
Good luck and you sound like a nice person so go easy on yourself

sunshine and showers

To clarify, are you looking for a one night stand or a relationship?

December2012

Do you get to talk to any women? What are your friends doing?

Lou.m

By the way OP don't internalize anything as being to do with how attractive you are. Don't attach your sense of how attractive you are or self worth to others.

Also if you are just looking for a one nightie , COPPERS apparently. To be honest though even casual relationships based on sex tend to be based around settings for that.

There are personal ads or whatever for no attachments.

If you are looking for something more I would say look at it in the same way you would if you were trying to make friends.

myshirt

Remember, if Mick Hucknall or Rod Stewart can bag an amount of ladies, anyone can.

With women, the approach you take, no matter what any of the women on this forum tell you is centrally this - YOU are the prize. Not them. You.

Nice guys finish last. You need to have backbone. Respect women, fully, but you are the prize.

Lou.m

myshirt wrote: »

Remember, if Mick Hucknall or Rod Stewart can bag an amount of ladies, anyone can.

With women, the approach you take, no matter what any of the women on this forum tell you is centrally this - YOU are the prize. Not them. You.

Nice guys finish last. You need to have backbone. Respect women, fully, but you are the prize.

Those women don't find them actually attractive ....they are with them for entirely the wrong reasons.

Women don't find Donald Trump attractive.....he is rude and obnoxious...he gets shallow materialistic women who are there for less than admirable reasons. They don't actually like the men.

You either get to know people and be who you are or you use what you have. You will insult genuine women or put them off when they will not put up with it and only disingenuous women will give 'affections' ( i put it in brackets because it is not affection they are using these men).

Nice guys finish last.

So you admit you are purposely deciding to be nasty?

no matter what any of the women on this forum tell you is centrally this -

So no matter what anyone else says ..you are right.

And you are right because they are women and you are a man?

So if a man comes along and says the same as I do what then?

Nice verses nasty is a false dichotomy anyway.

Consider a healthy relationship the prize .....not a person. You are setting the OP up for a fall that only unreasonable pride can give. If you put yourself on a pedestal you will find the pressure to sustain such a false image tremendous strain and falter under it. Be yourself.

Respect women but nice guys finish last is kind of a contradiction. And you are trying to justify men who mistreat women as being deserved to the OP.

I don't think it sounds like healthy advice. Maybe we can ask a man though just to be sure.

cactuspaw

some girls actually like a guy to chat to them and make an effort to be interested in them. they actually enjoy an interesting chat on a night out, rather then rubbish and stupid jokes. you sound like a guy who is willing to make the effort, but i think on the dancefloor or in a nightclub, maybe not the place. start your night in a pub, chat to loads as early as possible and go with a group. your not unattractive at all, you just need show that you have the personality as well as the looks.

Lou.m

I think you need to find the right environment OP.

santana75

RandomFellow wrote: »

Hi. Don't really know what I'm doing here but here goes! I've been out a fair few times this year and have had 0% success. I do all the proper things, dress well, wear my hair properly, clean shaven, smell nice. Act like a true gentleman, throw in proper compliments (i.e.: not sleazy), dance without inhibition and while I get a bit tipsy on the rare occasion, I'm still very much in control and don't do anything stupid. As I said, I'm a gentleman so if the girl says no, I back off, I don't believe in persistence. Why is it that I'm repulsive, unattractive to most women on nights out? Surely I can't be all that ugly!? I just don't get it!

It sounds like You're disassociated from your true identity OP. You probably have massive amounts of emotional baggage that you're not even aware of, yet it permeates all of your interactions with women.You're basing your behaviour on what you think will get you apporval but thats never gonna work. I know its a cliche but you have to be really yourself, I mean do some inner work, find out who you really are and live a congruent life. The guy I know whos best with women acts like an asshole sometimes and some women are repelled by him, but a lot really like him. And its not an act, hes being himself. You're never gonna have everybody like you, male or female, if you're being yourself you'll polarize a good proportion of people, but thats ok. Its better to polarize than have people be neutral to you because then you're just background noise who nobody will take notice of either way. I mean its ok to be a gentleman but always, no matter what you do, look at your intentions behind the actions. Are you being a gentleman because you think its gonna score you points? Are you giving compliments because you heard that women love compliments and if you give enough of them then she'll like you? It doesnt work that way, the intention behind the action will always show, you cant hide it and if its not genuine i.e. giving a real compliment and not expecting anything in return, you'll be found out.
I think you should forget about hooking up for the moment and take a look inside yourself, do some digging.

Big Bag of Chips

There is such a thing as trying too hard, OP. And it sounds like in your effort to do.everything right, you are just trying too hard.

I cannot remember a night out (it's a long time since I was single, or in a nightclub!) where a fella paid me compliments, genuine or otherwise! And if a fella started with the compliments, straight away I'd be throwing my eyes to heaven thinking "it's a line".

Just try to be natural. Try to relax. Girls don't need you falling at their feet telling them all the things you think they want to hear. Very few fellas actually care about a girls hair, or dress or shoes.. etc. Unless it's something unusual like bright blue hair or something then there's little need to compliment it. And a girl with bright blue hair will have heard it all before anyway! So even though you think you are giving genuine compliments, it is still coming across as a line.

Girls are just out to enjoy their night. So it doesn't matter if your hair is great, and you smell nice and compliment her... So long as you're clean, don't smell bad and can make a girl relax around you and have a laugh, then you are 3/4 of the way there.

If you try too hard it is obvious that you are uncomfortable, and if you are uncomfortable you are going to make the girl you are talking to uncomfortable. Have you tried going out and not actively trying to chat up a girl... Just go out and have a laugh. Once you relax you will become much more attractive to girls.

blatantrereg

Yeah I reckon you come across as fake and desperate.
Stop trying to impress people and try to have fun instead. Just be friendly in a genuine way. Joke around if it comes naturally otherwise just chat. Being attentive is good, but in a relaxed kinda way.
"Dancing without inhibition" reads to me as dancing desperately. Just have fun when you dance too. Don't dance too hard in an effort to impress, if that makes sense.