Hello ...may delete soon.

Lou.m

m Be aware my brain does not work like other people's and this is MY issue so expect unfiltered lou.m.

Ok where to begin. First off I rarely like to post personal stuff on here.

It is like crying into an empty pillow. And I know a lot of people on boards.ie. I guess I can delete this. I have only really ever posted things that were just about me or when i knew it was ok with the other person. It seems gossipy. I usually keep my own counsel.

I am ranting.

Ok I have discussed before on here that previously I was in a terrible relationship. Bleh bleh poor me. It was physically abusive to the extreme. He was abusive to other members of his family not just myself and was a mess. He was unemployed for a good deal of it but also involved in the arts ( this is relevant later).

This affected me to the extent that after I got out I became extremely socially anxious to a ridiculous extent. In some ways I am very strong. In some very delicate. I am like a steel butterfly trying to keep flying. I just kept going after it ended. I was afraid of bringing my crap to other people's door. I was diagnosed with PTSD (ok definitely not keeping this up here after a few replies).

I have a degree I have completed a full time course in drama (which I over paid for and went into debt for by the way) I did this all myself. I know that sounds small but well its an accomplishment. I was with a theatre training company. It is how I met that guy. He went from being MR perfect to ....what happened.

I know lots of people are dreamers living a fantasy of being artsy etc. But I was always doing something else whilst auditioning or writing. I had essays published I wrote articles and got paid it was not just chasing a stupid dream (which I guess I had a thing about feeling shy or that people judged). I know there are so many people calling themselves this or that.

When I went through the bad time and came out. It was then that I kind of fell apart. I don't know what others around me would have seen. My body sort of shut down. I will not go on about what the stuff that happened was. It was pretty horrific. And it is not imagery I would want to put into other peoples heads I don't think that would be responsible either.

The thing is it affected me in many many ways....one of which was all my confidence ...sort of went...it was replaced by steel force of will just to keep going and not bug people. So I was just that. I guess my self esteem was so low. I could really only talk to others who had gone through the same thing. Some from all walks of life ...who had battled similar experiences but had different symptoms or whatever.

I always feared letting people know would give them leave to take advantage. There are some pretty intensely strange people out there in life.

But one of the things that also occurred was I stopped being forthcoming about creative things. I lost the feeling that I had the right to exist in that space. It was not like I lost my spunk but it took a lot more spunk than before for me. I stopped going to auditions. I kept writing ...but I have gotten to chapter five of so many things and then just said ' no one wants to read this ****'....I used to think that before and feel ok but I still have the right to write it. But for ages it was like a fog descended.

Anytime I try to think of what happened to me a fog descends I feel like I am flying ...it is now not that way. I think it is called disassociation.


Well I think I have proved to myself that basically I have super human strength and will power but not a lot of value for myself. My Dad got very ill last year. I would have never have thought I would have been able for it. But He has thanked me for taking care of him nursing him and being able to understand or trying to. I undertook a deep commitment to his recovery and I feel I fulfilled it or at least as best I could. I am impressed with his strength.

I have had a deep fear of others see me. I live at home I have no issue with that it works for us right now. It allowed me also to repay student dept.

I logically in my head said I retreated from being publicly creative because 'HE' was in that world sometimes I might meet him. But he hasn't been really... he was unemployed a lot when we were together and last I heard he was in London. But I am scared I will come across him. He sent me this long weird message saying sorry and what happened. I kept it in case ...i ever wanted to show it to someone. It is the only thing I have that means he took any responsibility. But maybe it is a negative thing to have I read it last night. I don't know why it just popped up. It REALLY threw me. It was so crazy and insane. I was shaking I felt sick.

What I am saying is ...the whole experience really made me feel like I was not a worthwhile person. I couldn't stop being me. So I stopped being me in the world. I feared men the world ....was afraid to show my face metaphorically.

I experienced some things you could only get or understand PTSD. It is like a horror you cannot verbalize or cognate so you just relive the emotions. ANd other stuff.

Recently I started getting slowly in touch with old friends. And it is weird. It is like seeing me through their eyes I see someone totally different. I basically saw someone ...well worthwhile.

One friend paid me a huge compliment ...he said you are a moral and creative person...and you come accross as a moral and creative person. He said he had the feeling that 'lou.m' was about to create something amazing. WHAT ??? ME?? Stupid girl??

It was amazing to me that people would sort of even think I was worthy of their time or attention.

I know I am odd or different. I always have been ...thats not big headed its a fact and I know we are ALL different ...but it shows more on some or whatever...anyways...

I know I must work on the anxiety stuff. But what I am asking is

Do I get rid of the email the ex sent?? Or keep it incase? Or give it to my mother to keep maybe? (Although I would not want her to read it it might upset or shock her) .

Do I go and publicly do more creative things? Is it stupid? I am working ....not great work but like people are starving.

Anyone ever dealt with PTSD? Or abuse?

I will not say I have written this out ....like MANY times before ..but I have at least once and not posted.
And thank you for reading this far.

Lou.m

Sorry that is kind of all over the place if you can make sense of it well done.

Lou.m

I wish I could post videos here. There is one on PTSD that is really great.

And I feel it would help explain it all.

I have never suffered from depression. That is not my body chemistry.

I have just sort of kept going through all of this. And trying to deal with self worth after 'it' working on going from confusion to hate to forgiveness.

seenitall

Hi Lou,

well you are a very interesting poster in general and give good advice to people on here, and lots of times a completely fresh perspective on things. That's what I've noticed about your posts, on this and other forums. I can definitely see how you would be into creative writing.

I have dealt with some heavy trauma in my life, including mental abuse, was never diagnosed with PTSD but used to be a nervous wreck pretty much, when younger, which of course didn't come from nowhere.

The only thing I can say is that the best thing I ever did is get as far away from the source of the abuse as possible (family in my case) and in a way I've never looked back. There were still some bad times, but the next best thing I did was to undertake going into therapy/counselling for my mental health and well-being. It has been so worth it. If you get a good therapist, they gently bring you to a point where you dig deep into the very origin of your anxiety, confusion or unhappiness. This has to happen before you can be free of these things...

... I suppose I'm saying this as I just get a sense of a general unease about your post, moreso than expressly there being one specific thing bothering you. It reads as if you're having a little trouble sorting out what you want from life, what you think you deserve from life (self-esteem issue), and deciding to go in a specific direction from here on. I may be wrong, that's just how it reads to me.

You definitely come across as an original thinker, you have a lot to offer - but I think it may be rather untapped at the moment.

Honestly, I think if I were you, I'd give myself a bit of time to work on these issues that are still fresh for you, still echoing for you - go and talk to someone, preferably someone who will know how to challenge your negativity when it comes up and will be able to direct you a bit in what you should be looking at, at this point in time.

Have you ever thought about writing about your trauma? It can be very therapeutic and clear your head, so to speak. What's down on the paper is then out of the head, sometimes.

Don't delete your post, there is nothing shameful or wrong in there, on the contrary.

I hope you can make some sense of what I've written, wishing you all the best!

Lou.m

Very much what I think I deserve probably.

I am talking to someone at the moment it's how I was diagnosed with PTSD. I am much improved.

Part of the issue with PTSD is it emphasizes certain emotions.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

I guess I just wanted to say to myself I used to be musical and creative and I still am. I still have me.

And also what people thought about the email etc.

Ave Sodalis

Lou, what I noticed from your post is that you seem to be distancing yourself from people, and making yourself out to be a lonely soul who nobody understands. I could be wrong in this but that's how it comes across. The truth is though, you aren't alone in what you are going through. Yes, you may think differently to other people and that may make you feel isolated but everyone thinks differently, no matter how much people try to change that (although I understand what you mean by "showing" more. There are deeper levels of thinking). Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things but that doesn't mean they are the only ones dealing with it.
I know myself that I can identify with a lot of your post. I've never stuck a label on myself because I never felt it necessary but it sounds a lot like what you do. I never tell anyone anything. I bottle and bottle and bottle, and I know that one day, that bottle is going to explode... but I can't get round to emptying it, in case I'm viewed a weak in some way. Very few people can see me as who I really am. I even hide myself from me sometimes.
But these are my issues and I know that they're all in my head. I know nobody is going to see me as weak for admitting I find it difficult to deal with the past sometimes. I know nobody will really bat an eyelid at it, because most people are dealing with their own stuff. I would strongly recommend meditation and a good counsellor. Mediation could bring you back to who you actually are, without all the rubbish of life because sometimes that rubbish draws you away from you. It also does wonders for calming and relaxing. And of course, the counsellor (one that suits you) can help you step by step in overcoming these things.

diveout

Hi Lou M.

First of all I am sorry that happened to you.

I'm sure whomever diagnosed you also explained to you the dynamics of ptsd. Your saber tooth tiger is still out there and the prehistoric part of your brain is still sensitised to that. And fear hypersensitises you- your body can't take it so then you dissociate. It all makes sense.

As I'm sure you know sensitivity is a gift in the creative arts, maybe even a necessity, so how can you be vulnerable and sensitive when the saber tooth tiger is still out there?

ANd then the saber tooth tiger sends you an email and triggers it all again. Don't read them. You are not strong enough yet if you still have ptsd to get emails from the same person who tried to destroy you. Of course you are having a flash back. Filter whatever his email address is into another folder.

I think when you are going through stress and trauma your body shifts into a survivor mode and "knows" it can't afford to get sick right now, but then when you move into a safer space, your body then knows "ok, I can get sick now" and whatever stresses were brewing actually come to fruition.

I hope you are getting the right therapy for this, especially if you were repeatedly traumatised. Fear can make us lose discernment and it can have some very bizarre outcomes.

Keep writing. Also and this is true for all of us, we all have these little sub personalities that tell us we aren't good enough or no one wants to read it. Have a chat with your sabateur. I don't think this is part of ptsd, it's part of every creative person's struggle.

Hang in there and be good to yourself.

Lou.m

sup_dude wrote: »

Lou, what I noticed from your post is that you seem to be distancing yourself from people, and making yourself out to be a lonely soul who nobody understands. I could be wrong in this but that's how it comes across. The truth is though, you aren't alone in what you are going through. Yes, you may think differently to other people and that may make you feel isolated but everyone thinks differently, no matter how much people try to change that (although I understand what you mean by "showing" more. There are deeper levels of thinking). Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things but that doesn't mean they are the only ones dealing with it.
I know myself that I can identify with a lot of your post. I've never stuck a label on myself because I never felt it necessary but it sounds a lot like what you do. I never tell anyone anything. I bottle and bottle and bottle, and I know that one day, that bottle is going to explode... but I can't get round to emptying it, in case I'm viewed a weak in some way. Very few people can see me as who I really am. I even hide myself from me sometimes.
But these are my issues and I know that they're all in my head. I know nobody is going to see me as weak for admitting I find it difficult to deal with the past sometimes. I know nobody will really bat an eyelid at it, because most people are dealing with their own stuff. I would strongly recommend meditation and a good counsellor. Mediation could bring you back to who you actually are, without all the rubbish of life because sometimes that rubbish draws you away from you. It also does wonders for calming and relaxing. And of course, the counsellor (one that suits you) can help you step by step in overcoming these things.

No i am not at all alone or lonely ..... i just don't 'burden' people if you get it..i am more the one everyone else depends on. I am needed a lot right now especially by family. I just feel my needs deserve equal rights maybe and before i was not saying that.
Thank you for your reply.:)

Lou.m

diveout wrote: »

Hi Lou M.

First of all I am sorry that happened to you.

I'm sure whomever diagnosed you also explained to you the dynamics of ptsd. Your saber tooth tiger is still out there and the prehistoric part of your brain is still sensitised to that. And fear hypersensitises you- your body can't take it so then you dissociate. It all makes sense.

As I'm sure you know sensitivity is a gift in the creative arts, maybe even a necessity, so how can you be vulnerable and sensitive when the saber tooth tiger is still out there?

ANd then the saber tooth tiger sends you an email and triggers it all again. Don't read them. You are not strong enough yet if you still have ptsd to get emails from the same person who tried to destroy you. Of course you are having a flash back. Filter whatever his email address is into another folder.

I think when you are going through stress and trauma your body shifts into a survivor mode and "knows" it can't afford to get sick right now, but then when you move into a safer space, your body then knows "ok, I can get sick now" and whatever stresses were brewing actually come to fruition.

I hope you are getting the right therapy for this, especially if you were repeatedly traumatised. Fear can make us lose discernment and it can have some very bizarre outcomes.

Keep writing. Also and this is true for all of us, we all have these little sub personalities that tell us we aren't good enough or no one wants to read it. Have a chat with your sabateur. I don't think this is part of ptsd, it's part of every creative person's struggle.

Hang in there and be good to yourself.

This is brilliant! I do see a professional about it yes.Thank you.

I kept working through it all so yes i really identify with 'ain't nobody got time for this'. Then my dad got ill and obviously i prioritized that.

Your posts really nails it thank you.

IlmoNT4

Hi Lou.... I thought this was an amazing web site for PTSD

I cant post links, but do a google search for pete walker complex ptsd... I hope it helps

Rubberchikken

Hi
I get the 'being the strong one that others come to' but it's tough when the strong one needs someone. I know, i'm there but i find that i just make myself keep going. Works for me, not recommending it to anyone else;)

You are artistic and talented. Dont let that go to waste.
You got out of and survived your ex's crap. Delete his text.
In my eyes it would be worthless.
You sound better than holding onto the past. Live your life.

thefeatheredcat

Lou.m, you need to reclaim your creative identity. I think you should go the route of regaining that identity you lost in the process of the abusive relationship and through PTSD, even publically. Don't hide that part away from yourself because you're afraid you'll run into him, or he will come across your creative works. It's not worth giving up that creativity out of fear, because the fear itself will win instead of what you'd rather not happen. Challenge that fear. Do not let the fear of running into him or anything like that steer, control, or run your life. Because you are bigger and stronger than that. the fear is real, but it's us that builds it up in our heads bigger than it really is, when actually we can act and defeat it easier than we would have seen ourselves being able to.
I think it will help your confidence and self esteem to get yourself back being creative for yourself and then publically. You'd be surprised how people can be interested in what you write, or do. When I was actively creative, I was surprised people thought it was worthwhile reading or listening to, or taking an interest in. Even other forums I comment in, I'm often surprised that others appreciate my point or that it would get such support. Because I am just me. And to you, you are just you. But others will read your creativity, see your creativity and see more to you than just you. And they will appreciate what you have created.

The emails though... to keep is to be reminded of them, to delete will release you of that reminder and stop you being anchored to the past. In the healing process you might need to hold onto them for a while until you are ready to delete them, and can delete them with confidence in your heart while you rise out of the ashes. But it should be really when you're ready to. When that time comes for you, you'll know it.

Edited to add: you do need to disassociate your ex from the creative sphere... by actually associating your talent, your creativity with yourself and the creative sphere. It should not be minimised and held hostage because that person is part of the creative world too. It eventually will not matter to you that they are in that world and you will see that even if he is productive creatively, it will not matter to you. You need to see merit in your works, your talent in the world.

miamee

I have no experience of the things you have gone through lou.m, however since you asked specifically about the email...I do have some letters/emails that I will (probably) never get rid of...but probably never read again either.

I don't know why I have kept them, the things in them are not good or nice but they formed pivotal parts of a relationship that was important to me. They are in a folder with all of my other notebooks and things like that should I ever need them. If you can't rely on yourself not to read the email again, print it and put it in a sealed envelope. You can write on it what it is or something to remind you of it's contents.

I'd be more worried about what prompted you to read the letter knowing that it would be upsetting and a reminder of a terrible time in your life. Is it on your mind more recently?

Lou.m

miamee wrote: »

I have no experience of the things you have gone through lou.m, however since you asked specifically about the email...I do have some letters/emails that I will (probably) never get rid of...but probably never read again either.

I don't know why I have kept them, the things in them are not good or nice but they formed pivotal parts of a relationship that was important to me. They are in a folder with all of my other notebooks and things like that should I ever need them. If you can't rely on yourself not to read the email again, print it and put it in a sealed envelope. You can write on it what it is or something to remind you of it's contents.

I'd be more worried about what prompted you to read the letter knowing that it would be upsetting and a reminder of a terrible time in your life. Is it on your mind more recently?

I don't know ..why really ..

But maybe that approach is correct :-)


Thank you.

Thanks to all for reading and especially replying.

Taltos

I've been struggling to post here Lou.M
Just your posts I don't know resonate with me in some way. I really don't know what advice to give you to help you in any way, I guess all I can do is send you a virtual hug and tell you that you really are something special.

The only other thing that struck me above is your wish to post videos - just thinking aloud - why not create a blog - capture your day to day mood and progress but more importantly make it your go to inspirational place where these videos and others are there to really lift you on the crappy days, remind you who you really are - that person your friend still sees but is hiding just there out of sight from you.

Rachineire

I am going through something similar myself Lou-
I grew up in an extremely abusive household; physically, mentally and emotionally. I was diagnosed with PTSD as well. I am still working on it. I had a child about 18 months ago and it really kinda brought to light that I have never really dealt with any issues I have surrounding what happened to me.
I ended up going into a deep depression and even now I am still in the middle of it. I am definitely disassociated from my emotions as it is easier to put the hard stuff on the back burner.
Its harder when it gets put back in your face. my dad kept emailing me and ringing me. I blocked his number and emails but then he sent me a letter. I guess it was him trying to bridge the divide, like maybe what your ex was trying by sending the email. its hard to have those reminders though. It brings me right back to a bad place. before I know im shaky and breathless and lightheaded. I'm even anxious just writing this out!
I guess I just wanted to say, your not alone. and its hard. But don't ever think you are weak, don't ever let what someone did to you hold you back. You deserve happiness. you deserve good things. It is ok to be selfish sometimes and put what is good for you first. in fact its HEALTHY to take care of yourself. That is something i am trying to learn myself, that I am worthy of nice things and of being kind to myself.
I really hope you are able to write again and enjoy the things that make you, you. I think writing your post was very brave- it gave me the courage to respond to you.
I also think writing your post is a step in a good direction of healing yourself. another poster suggested blogging your process- i think that would be a good idea, maybe help you get back to being creative again?

anyways, thanks for letting me ramble and I wish all the best for you OP.

blatantrereg

Do I go and publicly do more creative things? Is it stupid? I am working ....not great work but like people are starving.

Doing creative things isn't stupid. If you can get paid for it then that's great. Maybe you would make more money if you pursued a different career, but how much that matters is down to you. Just depends on your own priorities and what you want. Paying more money doesn't automatically make a career a better choice - not unless your main priority is to make a lot of money.

I understand that another reservation you have is fear of encountering your ex through it. I don't have any advice on how to deal with that.

I have gotten to chapter five of so many things and then just said ' no one wants to read this ****'

A big abstract personal project can do that to you. You can feel like you're being indulgent or stupid. It can take a lot more time than you might expect to make something good. It's not the same as working in a job or studying for exams or anything like that, where you get paid for your time, or have an exam to sit at the end and so on. You're just kind of striking out into new territory and no matter how clearly you try to map things out, you can feel lost or like you're going in the wrong direction.

It is entirely possible to get lost or to fail too. If not, you might lack many sources of feedback indicating how you're doing. The feelings aren't irrational. Self-belief is needed to succeed at something big by yourself, but self-belief that isn't grounded in anything is more likely to lead to failure I think.

Mapping things out might help. Decide what you want/what you want to achieve with a project and why. Clearly map what you do to those goals. If you're doing something in it that you can't map to them, bin it. If you can map what you're doing clearly to a goal and motivation for doing it, it can really help against self-doubt, as well as help stay focused on what you're trying to achieve.

louisenf2014

Hi Lou,

Thanks for your post and your honesty.

I have never been diagnosed with PTSD and will not claim to know anything about it but I have had my own struggles and through treatment regained a lot of childhood terror memories I had blocked out and had to work through. I also suffered huge self-esteem problems and was overwhelmingly dictated in all aspects of how I presented myself by how I wished to be perceived and similarly how I might distance keep a distance between myself and others. The one thing that worked best for me was mindfulness meditation. Living in the moment and practicing gratitude.

It takes a while to get in to it but I would recommend it to everyone, with any issue at all.

With regard to the email. I wouldn't keep it, looking back at the past, for me, does not help with things. Live in the present and enjoy each individual limited moment xx

Lou.m

Rachineire wrote: »

I am going through something similar myself Lou-
I grew up in an extremely abusive household; physically, mentally and emotionally. I was diagnosed with PTSD as well. I am still working on it. I had a child about 18 months ago and it really kinda brought to light that I have never really dealt with any issues I have surrounding what happened to me.
I ended up going into a deep depression and even now I am still in the middle of it. I am definitely disassociated from my emotions as it is easier to put the hard stuff on the back burner.
Its harder when it gets put back in your face. my dad kept emailing me and ringing me. I blocked his number and emails but then he sent me a letter. I guess it was him trying to bridge the divide, like maybe what your ex was trying by sending the email. its hard to have those reminders though. It brings me right back to a bad place. before I know im shaky and breathless and lightheaded. I'm even anxious just writing this out!
I guess I just wanted to say, your not alone. and its hard. But don't ever think you are weak, don't ever let what someone did to you hold you back. You deserve happiness. you deserve good things. It is ok to be selfish sometimes and put what is good for you first. in fact its HEALTHY to take care of yourself. That is something i am trying to learn myself, that I am worthy of nice things and of being kind to myself.
I really hope you are able to write again and enjoy the things that make you, you. I think writing your post was very brave- it gave me the courage to respond to you.
I also think writing your post is a step in a good direction of healing yourself. another poster suggested blogging your process- i think that would be a good idea, maybe help you get back to being creative again?

anyways, thanks for letting me ramble and I wish all the best for you OP.

Thank you so much for sharing. I am really impressed with your courage.

You know I think you will be an amazing mum after all you have been through.

I am sorry to hear that you were harassed. Weirdly my ex sent messages and harassed me for a bit too. He stopped though.

If i was going to blog it would be anon or private or password protected or something.. I do have a blog but it is less dramatic stuff. I don't know maybe I should just let it go have a big bloody bonfire and burn some ****!

Yes I hope you have very healing journey :-)

And that you for your reply.

Lou.m

louisenf2014 wrote: »

Hi Lou,

Thanks for your post and your honesty.

I have never been diagnosed with PTSD and will not claim to know anything about it but I have had my own struggles and through treatment regained a lot of childhood terror memories I had blocked out and had to work through. I also suffered huge self-esteem problems and was overwhelmingly dictated in all aspects of how I presented myself by how I wished to be perceived and similarly how I might distance keep a distance between myself and others. The one thing that worked best for me was mindfulness meditation. Living in the moment and practicing gratitude.

It takes a while to get in to it but I would recommend it to everyone, with any issue at all.

With regard to the email. I wouldn't keep it, looking back at the past, for me, does not help with things. Live in the present and enjoy each individual limited moment xx

Thank you for your reply :-)

I always think alternative holistic methods can be helpful so thank you.

As regards the email...I am undecided...but I will do what is right for me.

Lou.m

blatantrereg wrote: »

Doing creative things isn't stupid. If you can get paid for it then that's great. Maybe you would make more money if you pursued a different career, but how much that matters is down to you. Just depends on your own priorities and what you want. Paying more money doesn't automatically make a career a better choice - not unless your main priority is to make a lot of money.

I understand that another reservation you have is fear of encountering your ex through it. I don't have any advice on how to deal with that.



A big abstract personal project can do that to you. You can feel like you're being indulgent or stupid. It can take a lot more time than you might expect to make something good. It's not the same as working in a job or studying for exams or anything like that, where you get paid for your time, or have an exam to sit at the end and so on. You're just kind of striking out into new territory and no matter how clearly you try to map things out, you can feel lost or like you're going in the wrong direction.

It is entirely possible to get lost or to fail too. If not, you might lack many sources of feedback indicating how you're doing. The feelings aren't irrational. Self-belief is needed to succeed at something big by yourself, but self-belief that isn't grounded in anything is more likely to lead to failure I think.

Mapping things out might help. Decide what you want/what you want to achieve with a project and why. Clearly map what you do to those goals. If you're doing something in it that you can't map to them, bin it. If you can map what you're doing clearly to a goal and motivation for doing it, it can really help against self-doubt, as well as help stay focused on what you're trying to achieve.

Yes but I am not going to let that thinking in anymore!

I may come across him ..who knows...I heard he was in London..I dunno it should not be affecting me though...I have the right to be me and live my life.

Lou.m

Taltos wrote: »

I've been struggling to post here Lou.M
Just your posts I don't know resonate with me in some way. I really don't know what advice to give you to help you in any way, I guess all I can do is send you a virtual hug and tell you that you really are something special.

The only other thing that struck me above is your wish to post videos - just thinking aloud - why not create a blog - capture your day to day mood and progress but more importantly make it your go to inspirational place where these videos and others are there to really lift you on the crappy days, remind you who you really are - that person your friend still sees but is hiding just there out of sight from you.

I LOVE VIRTUAL HUGS. VIRTUAL HUGS YOU BACK!

Thank you.

I do have a blog..but not for this type of stuff. It's lighter....

I have always been me...can't be anyone else...I like change but I am always me. But I think I felt others did not see me as having much value as the ex did not thats why I left really he felt he had the right to abuse me.

I always felt ok and happy about the way I saw my personality but I think he made me paranoid and think the world saw me as he did. I created this fear that was really baseless I think.

Maybe it was a trick of his. Maybe it was his own insecurity. He tried hard to get me back after the abuse. But I think that was more a control issue.

Taltos

Lou.m wrote: »

I LOVE VIRTUAL HUGS. VIRTUAL HUGS YOU BACK!

Thank you.

I do have a blog..but not for this type of stuff. It's lighter....

I have always been me...can't be anyone else...I like change but I am always me. But I think I felt others did not see me as having much value as the ex did not thats why I left really he felt he had the right to abuse me.

I always felt ok and happy about the way I saw my personality but I think he made me paranoid and think the world saw me as he did. I created this fear that was really baseless I think.

Maybe it was a trick of his. Maybe it was his own insecurity. He tried hard to get me back after the abuse. But I think that was more a control issue.

Classic abuser I'm afraid. Suggest you read some books or articles on abusers - I think you will be shocked when you find your ex staring back out at you from the pages there.

I am just glad you got away, for many the road to recovery can be a difficult one so don't underestimate the journey ahead of you.

As to the blog - no harm in having a second - this can be private - but it should be life affirming - just positive things to keep reminding you of who you really are and to pull you out of those inevitable funks. Don't care if it's just a song or two, or a book reference or hell a sonnet - just a trigger to put you back on track...

LegacyUser

I was diagnosed with PTSD 3 years ago after rape. It's been a hellish period of my life and to be honest it doesn't go away, you just learn to manage it. But when you do start to manage it, you have some good days again - and I'm told that eventually they outweigh the bad.

What has helped me alot is blogging, as other posters have suggested. I started an anon blog and wrote down everything in my head with no filter at all... and it's helped me to connect with so many people. I have hundreds of people following it now which astounds me sometimes, but when someone leaves a message to tell me they can relate or that my posts have helped them - it makes me feel worth while. It really is a good way to reach out to other people in the same boat.

I'm sorry I can't write more, I'm having a tough day today and finding it hard to express anything really. But I had to at least reply, just to tell you that you're not alone.

Keep trying. That's all any of us can do and you know what? It's enough.

Bafucin

Hello Lou.

:-)

Well done on writing that I am so proud of you. I know it can't have been easy for you.

Those of us who know you in real life know you to be a strong creative kind hearted genuine person. One of the most beautiful people I know inside and out. You are fascinating, surprising and compassionate.

I think whatever you do with the message should be done for your own piece of mind not because of what you feel is right or wrong.

Perhaps your creative path could be a way of healing.

You have come through a difficult relationship with an abuser and now you never have to do that again. Make a commitment now never to be with someone who emotionally or physically abuses you with intent.

Sometimes being comfortable with your sensitivity and vulnerability is a sign of strength and trust of those you let in your life.

I am here for you.
x

Lou.m

Bafucin wrote: »

Hello Lou.

:-)

Well done on writing that I am so proud of you. I know it can't have been easy for you.

Those of us who know you in real life know you to be a strong creative kind hearted genuine person. One of the most beautiful people I know inside and out. You are fascinating, surprising and compassionate.

I think whatever you do with the message should be done for your own piece of mind not because of what you feel is right or wrong.

Perhaps your creative path could be a way of healing.

You have come through a difficult relationship with an abuser and now you never have to do that again. Make a commitment now never to be with someone who emotionally or physically abuses you with intent.

Sometimes being comfortable with your sensitivity and vulnerability is a sign of strength and trust of those you let in your life.

I am here for you.
x

Thank you for your kindness and support. Thank you for your friendship and so much more.

gormdubhgorm

Taltos wrote: »

I've been struggling to post here Lou.M
Just your posts I don't know resonate with me in some way. I really don't know what advice to give you to help you in any way, I guess all I can do is send you a virtual hug and tell you that you really are something special.

The only other thing that struck me above is your wish to post videos - just thinking aloud - why not create a blog - capture your day to day mood and progress but more importantly make it your go to inspirational place where these videos and others are there to really lift you on the crappy days, remind you who you really are - that person your friend still sees but is hiding just there out of sight from you.

Taltos idea for a blog is great. The OP seems to love the writing craic. I don't think I ever wrote that much on anything unless I had/was made to! I think a lot of people will relate to the stuff the OP says. The OP seems to have a bit of flair with words like the literary equivalent to Dutch total football (sorry world cup on the brain).

Lou.m

gormdubhgorm wrote: »

Taltos idea for a blog is great. The OP seems to love the writing craic. I don't think I ever wrote that much on anything unless I had/was made to! I think a lot of people will relate to the stuff the OP says. The OP seems to have a bit of flair with words like the literary equivalent to Dutch total football (sorry world cup on the brain).

Thank you.

I think you are varnishing the truth a little but maybe your compliment was half true. If I work I can get better though :-)

I was thinking of also doing some open mike nights and getting involved with some musical friends and submitting material to the stinging fly (literary magazine).

RossFixxxed

Lou.m wrote: »

Thank you.

I think you are varnishing the truth a little but maybe your compliment was half true. If I work I can get better though :-)

I was thinking of also doing some open mike nights and getting involved with some musical friends and submitting material to the stinging fly (literary magazine).

All of those are great ideas! Fair play.

You know I had this realisation lately, I'm actually a pretty creative person. Then I felt self conscious and like that was a bad thing to say. Like creative people are the really famous ones, not a random guy like me. But a friend used the expression "straight jacketing yourself into office roles" I really got thinking.

I'm drawn to music, writing, photography etc. myself. Like you I thought that that was in some way a BAD thing. It's far from it. What would our lives be like if the creative people weren't there. No music, no poetry, no alternative views of the world, no humour... just bland.

We need people writing, singing, dancing, snapping pics, playing music, speaking their mind.


EDIT: You thought nobody wants to 'read those chapters' as it was, but I do, and others do. You've made me think this morning with your posts, and maybe I've opened up a bit more too seeing your view and the support of others on here! That's a VERY good thing.

Lou.m

RossFixxxed wrote: »

All of those are great ideas! Fair play.

You know I had this realisation lately, I'm actually a pretty creative person. Then I felt self conscious and like that was a bad thing to say. Like creative people are the really famous ones, not a random guy like me. But a friend used the expression "straight jacketing yourself into office roles" I really got thinking.

I'm drawn to music, writing, photography etc. myself. Like you I thought that that was in some way a BAD thing. It's far from it. What would our lives be like if the creative people weren't there. No music, no poetry, no alternative views of the world, no humour... just bland.

We need people writing, singing, dancing, snapping pics, playing music, speaking their mind.


EDIT: You thought nobody wants to 'read those chapters' as it was, but I do, and others do. You've made me think this morning with your posts, and maybe I've opened up a bit more too seeing your view and the support of others on here! That's a VERY good thing.

Wow thank you! So moved by this ...wow ..

And you go for it too!