Moved Abroad - Mom guilt tripping

Quizmaster1989

I'm a female in her mid 20s and recently moved abroad after a long and disappointing year stuck in a crap Jobbridge internship in Ireland. I know the following will make me sound crazy to many people, but for 6 years in Ireland I was practising a religion which I eventually converted to. Since moving to a new country where this is the predominant religion, I've honestly never been happier and for the first time in my life I truly feel at peace with myself.

I have no desire to return to Ireland, which has caused a lot of hardship in my relationship with my family. My mom keeps saying that I should return to Ireland whenever even the slightest problem arises (which inevitably happens every now and then adjusting to a new country). I've become more observant in my new religion and my parents keep telling me I've been brainwashed and become 'extreme' even though it's something I completely took upon myself and I am very much happy with my decision. I have a great community here, many friends and a person I'm very seriously considering marrying in the near future.

I made the mistake of creating a facebook page for my mother, who is in her early 60s, before leaving so we could keep in touch. I only added my mom, a few aunts and cousins. She has since been using it as a means of monitoring me constantly, even if I post a question in a group for my new neighbourhood about where to find a laundromat. I also tried to use facebook as a means of showing family members that my new religion isn't mental, by posting pictures of meals with my new friends, holiday occasions, weddings and some inspiring short stories I've heard from religious leaders. My mom immediately told me she "didn't approve of the path I'm going down" and her greatest fear is that relatives or our neighbours will find out and think I'm a "weirdo". My parents weren't present for a great deal of my childhood and I have difficulty truly believing that their 'concern' comes entirely from worries for me and not from what relatives and family members may think of me.

My mom recently emailed me saying "___ what are you doing on Facebook!! Please please stop it now! Have you any idea what your doing to us? Dad is gone out to work crying, he said why is she hurting us like this!!!" This outburst all came down to her having been snooping through groups I'm in where I posted a funny picture of the Queen saying 'feckk off' and now she's convinced I'll never get a job in England (not that I want one). It's completely irrational and ridiculous, and simply because she doesn't understand how facebook functions. She has always been a very dramatic person and enjoys the excitement created by non-existent 'drama', which is obvious from the emails she sends me about other people. I deleted my facebook and she threw a tantrum that I've "turned my back on her". I've never cared for facebook, since I feel it's a waste of time, but now she thinks I did it simply to spite her and cut her out of my life, despite reassuring her that we'll communicate via email and skype instead.

I can't help but feel that, even though we're thousands of miles apart, she's using emotional blackmail as a means of controlling me. I'm sure it's partly genuine concern, but it's really stressing me out because on the one hand I want to please her, but on the other I desperately want to build my life her and live it as I want to.

In 2 months, my parents are coming to visit me here and I'm worried sick. I'm particularly concerned about how they will accept my new way of dressing, as my mom has made countless comments that I look like an 'old maid' and that she 'didn't fix my teeth and get my eye surgery for that'. I feel like she's treating me as if I'm some kind of failed investment, because she pumped money into me and I'm nowhere near as successful as my cousins who all have prestigious professions. I don't care about money, I want just a simple, happy existence.

I'm even more anxious about the fact that my mom's insisting I come home for Christmas, even though religiously this is absolutely not an option. There are many dietary rules which mean I won't even be able to eat her cooking. I've tried to explain my new religion to her, but she continually dismisses me as being brainwashed and extreme.

How do I continue my relationship with my parents under such circumstances?

glued

You can't. You've decided to allow religion to dictate the way you dress, the people you keep and the food you eat. Religion is now the dominant factor in your life

You've allowed yourself to be brainwashed by religion but you're happy and that's probably all that matters.

Quizmaster1989

glued wrote: »

You can't. You've decided to allow religion to dictate the way you dress, the people you keep and the food you eat. Religion is now the dominant factor in your life

You've allowed yourself to be brainwashed by religion but you're happy and that's probably all that matters.

In fairness, I don't think it's fair to say that I've "allowed myself to be brainwashed by religion" - I have respect for anyone who puts thought into how they wish to conduct themselves and chooses a way of living not out of habit but out of making a conscious decision for their aspirations in life. I didn't allow someone to cram my mind with ideas, I actively sought out direction through my own research and understanding.

Just to remind posters: I asked for advice on how to improve my relationship with my parents, not people's ideas on my lifestyle choices.

Dixie Chick

Coming from the side of having a family member change everything about them for a "new age" religion, I can understand why your mother is worried.

However, I think to not speak at length about your religion, to not have it dictate every conversation you have with her, or "rub it in their face" or to preach a lot would be a good way to calm her. I am not saying you do this, but If you do, just realise the effect that it may have on the relationships.

Penny Tration

I don't think it'll be possible to completely fix the relationship with your parents. You're a different person essentially, since you became religious.

You say you moved recently, and now you've met someone you're considering marrying. I have to be honest, if I were your mother, I'd be hugely concerned, too. Based on your username, you're the same age as me, and you want to marry someone you met 'recently.' Do you want to marry him because of your religion? Why not wait and actually get to know him?

With regards to Christmas, I don't understand why you can't visit your family. You don't have to celebrate the religious aspect. You can just spend time with your family.

Tbh, it sounds as though you're completely unwilling to do anything that even vaguely strays from your religious doctrine, and until you find a way to suit you, and actually include your parents, your relationship will be strained.

Tbh I feel really sorry for your parents. Sounds like they just want to spend time with you and be sure you're happy, but you're putting obstacles in their way in the name of religion.

Quizmaster1989

green_screen wrote: »

You say you moved recently, and now you've met someone you're considering marrying. I have to be honest, if I were your mother, I'd be hugely concerned, too. Based on your username, you're the same age as me, and you want to marry someone you met 'recently.' Do you want to marry him because of your religion? Why not wait and actually get to know him?

I've been in contact with him for over a year, and culturally here people get married earlier in life because relations, or even touching, before marriage is simply not allowed by religious rules. We're taking time to get to know each other, but at the same time I've seen cousins who date people for years before truly knowing who they are. We don't just 'date', we discuss life goals, how we truly see our home looking and things which are actually important rather than our favourite foods or shallow conversations.

green_screen wrote: »

With regards to Christmas, I don't understand why you can't visit your family. You don't have to celebrate the religious aspect. You can just spend time with your family.

I sought advice on this from a religious leader and because Catholicism in particular is seen as a form of idol worship, even being in such an environment is hugely problematic. Even if I did come, I couldn't partake in the Christmas dinner (even if I cooked my own food, being part of the celebration isn't allowed).

green_screen wrote: »

Tbh, it sounds as though you're completely unwilling to do anything that even vaguely strays from your religious doctrine, and until you find a way to suit you, and actually include your parents, your relationship will be strained.

In the long term, I don't think it'll be helpful for me to be lax in my observance of my religion simply to make my parents happy, because it'll be giving them a false version of how things will be in the future. When a person truly believes something is right, it's extremely difficult to do otherwise for the sake of pleasing others. I wish things could be easier, but religion isn't like a buffet where I take what I want and leave anything which they might frown upon- it's a complete lifestyle and the fact is, every time I stray from it I'm really damaging my soul and allowing myself to slip into ways of a different people.

Penny Tration

Quizmaster1989 wrote: »

I've been in contact with him for over a year, and culturally here people get married earlier in life because relations, or even touching, before marriage is simply not allowed by religious rules. We're taking time to get to know each other, but at the same time I've seen cousins who date people for years before truly knowing who they are. We don't just 'date', we discuss life goals, how we truly see our home looking and things which are actually important rather than our favourite foods or shallow conversations.


I sought advice on this from a religious leader and because Catholicism in particular is seen as a form of idol worship, even being in such an environment is hugely problematic. Even if I did come, I couldn't partake in the Christmas dinner (even if I cooked my own food, being part of the celebration isn't allowed).


In the long term, I don't think it'll be helpful for me to be lax in my observance of my religion simply to make my parents happy, because it'll be giving them a false version of how things will be in the future. When a person truly believes something is right, it's extremely difficult to do otherwise for the sake of pleasing others. I wish things could be easier, but religion isn't like a buffet where I take what I want and leave anything which they might frown upon- it's a complete lifestyle and the fact is, every time I stray from it I'm really damaging my soul and allowing myself to slip into ways of a different people.

I didn't suggest being lax with regards to your religion. I completely respect your right to choose your religion and adhere by your beliefs. It was more a suggestion that you find ways to include your family in your life, in a way that you're still following your religion.

Personally, I 100% think my family are more important than religion. My family are staunchly Catholic, while I'm not religious. I'll come along to their religious celebrations because although I'm not religious, they are, and they're important to me. Similarly, they will happily come to my non-religious wedding when/if I eventually get married. That's because we all feel our family is the most important thing in our lives.

You mentioned not picking and choosing aspects to follow - isn't that what everybody does? Catholic people don't tend to beat their wives, even if the bible says they should.

I wish you luck, but while your religion is more important than your family, I don't think you'll save the relationship.

Taltos

OP please consider before you post again.
PI/RI is an advice forum - your inflexibility here on the suggestions is leading me to believe this is not the right forum for you to be seeking advice. You might be better advised to post in one of the religious forums where those of the same faith can best advise.

Should you continue to post as above I will have no choice to close this as otherwise it will just turn into a trainwreck of a thread and I don't want our posters here who are offering advice in good faith to get frustrated at your responses.

Thanks
Taltos

Quizmaster1989

green_screen wrote: »

I didn't suggest being lax with regards to your religion. I completely respect your right to choose your religion and adhere by your beliefs. It was more a suggestion that you find ways to include your family in your life, in a way that you're still following your religion.

Personally, I 100% think my family are more important than religion. My family are staunchly Catholic, while I'm not religious. I'll come along to their religious celebrations because although I'm not religious, they are, and they're important to me. Similarly, they will happily come to my non-religious wedding when/if I eventually get married. That's because we all feel our family is the most important thing in our lives.

You mentioned not picking and choosing aspects to follow - isn't that what everybody does? Catholic people don't tend to beat their wives, even if the bible says they should.

I wish you luck, but while your religion is more important than your family, I don't think you'll save the relationship.

I love my family, but I also know that the religion I chose is the truth and I can't pick and choose from it for the sake of people pleasing. Catholics in particular have a tendency to do this, but with true belief this really isn't an option. Your situation is different because you approach religion from a generally apathetic stance; you attend things because you feel there's no harm in it. I very much feel there's a great deal of harm in engaging in Catholic celebrations. I'm not going to go into a biblical discussion, it's best kept to the religious forums.

Quizmaster1989

Taltos: sorry if I seem inflexible, but the answers I'm getting really aren't practical. Perhaps the posters here don't understand the consequences of taking on a new religion with sincerity, but the suggestions I've been getting are basically that I should give in to my parents religiously for the sake of a quiet life.

Taltos

Thanks OP - based on that response please then seek advice in the relevant forum. You can find them here.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=526

I know this seems extreme, but your version of what is practical is clearly at odds with the posters in this forum. There is no common ground for them to advise you on how to help your parents and any advise given has been rejected. Leaving this thread opens with the current approach will as I said result in frustrated posts that we will then have to action - not fair on you or on the posters.

As you noted the posters here may not get the implications - all the more reason to seek advise from those who have gone or are going through similar experiences.

Thread closed.
Taltos