Ex boyfriend and pictures....

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Just want to get some opinions please.

My ex boyfriend (we were together 2 years) has a set ofnaked pictures saved on his PC that we took together when things were good. They are quite explicit, and are far more incriminating for him than me (they show both my face and body, so I am completely identifiable).

Unfortunately, we have not broken up under the best circumstances (I cheated on him and he's not willing to give things another go). We have been mainly no contact for a month, but I can feel he is getting progressively more cold towards me and I feel a lot of hatrid coming through in any correspondence we have. He has always promised he would do nothing with the pictures, but I am at the stage now that I am feeling incredibly uncomfortable with him having them (I have nothing similar of him showing face).

I was thinking of texting him and asking him if I could come around to get something in his flat, and if he pushes to know what, say I need to talk to him about it in person (I'm not comfortable asking him to delete them - he could easily say he could and then not) and then when I get there explain and ask nicely if he would mind putting them on a memory stick for me so that I have the only copy.

What are your thoughts? Is there a right or wrong way to do this? Thanks

Tokyo

Hi OP,

unfortunately this is one of those things where you are just going to have to take your ex's word on the matter. If he was going to use the photos for something malicious, he could make backups, or he could hand you 20 USB keys and still undelete them from his computer afterwards, so calling round to his house under false pretenses isn't really going to do anything except give you a false sense of security and possibly antagonise an already tense situation even further.

However, it's worth noting that a bad breakup doesn't necessarily turn him into a malicious person - he may be cold towards you, he may even dislike you intensely over the way things have gone down, but that doesn't mean that he automatically wants to hurt your reputation in that way. He has promised you that he will do nothing with the pictures, so all you can really do is ask him if he could be kind enough to delete them as the last thing you want is for something like that to accidentally get out and damage your reputation. And hope that he keeps his word.

kjl

Hi OP,

I beleive that are actually bringing in new law which punishes people who publish revenge porn with a jail sentence.

They certainly are in the UK but not sure about Ireland.

Does he seem like the kind of person that would do such a thing? After two years together, you would be the best person to tell this. If you had the suspicion that he might have, then taking those photos would not have been the best idea, but you did it because you trusted him. A bad breakup (especially when scorned in the way that you had) doesn't alter who somebody is.

Rubberchikken

Would it not to be to let the contact go? At the moment he's hurting and a constant reminder is only going to antagonise him further.
Tbh he needs time to cool off.

Dont think its a good idea to go looking for photos. He might have never considered doing anything with them but you implying he might could really annoy him and who knows where that could end.

blatantrereg

I had stuff like that of exes before, whom I split with on bad terms. I deleted them, both while I felt quite a bit of antipathy towards the people.

They're not really the sort of thing you want to hold on to. Things like that are made in good faith. Being responsible with their possession is based on the trust they were made in - it's disparate from anything that happens afterwards.

It's almost always true that anybody you have a serious relationship with has something that you wouldn't like to be shared - usually information of some kind.

It serves absolutely no purpose to break this trust after a relationship ends. All it does is show you yourself to be someone untrustworthy, and therefore unsuitable for serious relationships. He would be cutting his nose off to spite his own face in other words, were he to share the pics with anyone. Just damaging his own reputation for the sake of embarrassing you.

He's quite entitled to hate you, and be cold towards you. It strikes me as an appropriate response in the circumstances. You would probably be best off respecting that and just leaving him alone.

Idle Passerby

I'm going to echo what others have said above, staying in touch with him at this early stage is likely to be only rubbing salt in the wound for him. I'd let him cool off for a few weeks before contacting him again about the photos or anything else.

I know it must be nerve racking for you knowing he has something he could use against you in a malicious way but that is unfortunately how the cookie crumbles with a bad break-up.

Leaving him alone is the best policy for the moment, he is probably pretty devastated over how things went and needs time to sort out his own head before he will have any time or interest in doing what you might want. Bringing up your needs just a few weeks after you've cheated on him would Id say just add fuel to the fire of his anger and hurt.

LegacyUser

Went through a horrid break up, ex cheating on me. I had explicit pictures and videos of her but no way would the thought even cross my mind to do something like post them on the internet. Really that would be worse than her cheating on me. They probably just got deleted like most people would do in this situation.

Bafucin

Leave it for a bit and then ask for them or whatever.

I would never do such a thing.

Anyway it would REALLY backfire on him in the end. They are traceable to him and HE would look like the sleaze.

Snake

Well you cheated on him so obviously he's not going to give things another go... And it would seem like you're the one who couldn't be trusted, rather than him.. But anyway, I'd leave him alone, annoy him more and it might push him to do it.

Holsten

He will either do it he won't, I would go for the latter.

I've been in a similar situation from the mans side and it never even crossed into my head to do something like that, they were just deleted.

Don't contact him again and move on, you're the one who done the wrong here.

tenifan

mitterix wrote: »

ask nicely if he would mind putting them on a memory stick for me so that I have the only copy.

You do realise that if he copies them to a memory stick, he'll stick have a copy on his hard drive? Unless you're asking him to delete his copy?
Why do you want the pictures?
And how's it fair you have a copy and he doesn't?

jellyboy

Hi Op

you are applying your own morals and values to him..
you are thinking for him and basing that to predict the future


your post is about you

(I cheated on him and he's not willing to give things another go).

but I can feel he is getting progressively more cold towards me and I feel a lot of hatred coming through

can you understand why the above is so? your still in contact and you cheated on him ,have you thought that maybe he doesn't want to be in contact with you ? he might want to lick his wounds and heal his pride

I was thinking of texting him and asking him if I could come around to get something in his flat, and if he pushes to know what, say I need to talk to him about it in person

you still have your cheating morals on when you wrote this
,can you respect the guy enough to treat him with respect? why would you even think this way towards him ?
can you see why he would be cold towards you when you would use cheating attics to get your own way

(I'm not comfortable asking him to delete them - he could easily say he could and then not) and then when I get there explain and ask nicely if he would mind putting them on a memory stick for me so that I have the only copy.

not everybody lives in the mind of a person who cheats,maybe he is a good guy who would stand over his word and delete them

As i said above this post i feel is about you,can you get support for actions?
is there a need for you to move out of a cheating frame of mind to allow you to move forward to love without the past dictating the future?

fenris

You have stated that they are more incriminating for him than you, also you are the one that has proven untrustworthy but still wanted to get back together with him, he doesn't trust you, so why do you you think he would give you pictures that may be damaging to him?

If sounds like he just wants to move on with his life, giving you the potential to damage him and trusting you not to after you have broken trust and hurt him is really unlikely to be part of that moving on process.

Big Bag of Chips

Yep, I have to agree, why do you want "the only copy"? Why not just ask him to delete them, and trust that he does?

Actually, why not just say nothing at all? Chances are he just wants rid of you, and them.

joeguevara

fenris wrote: »

You have stated that they are more incriminating for him than you, also you are the one that has proven untrustworthy but still wanted to get back together with him, he doesn't trust you, so why do you you think he would give you pictures that may be damaging to him?

If sounds like he just wants to move on with his life, giving you the potential to damage him and trusting you not to after you have broken trust and hurt him is really unlikely to be part of that moving on process.

I think that's a typo. His face not visible. Hers is.

fenris

joeguevara wrote: »

I think that's a typo. His face not visible. Hers is.

She didn't mention whether his face was visible or not, only commented on her own exposure.

Either way, she has had a very clear signal that he wants nothing to do with her anymore and should show him at least that much respect.
She wasn't even going to be straightforward about went she wanted to visit his place and was planning on staging a little scene to get her way. He has possibly seen some of this behaviour before and knows the only way to deal with it is to break all contact and not get sucked into it.
Just leave him alone and try not to piss him off further would be my advice.

h.bolla

OP, what age are you? And how old do you look?

A lot of porn sites are careful not to allow any underage porn (or something that cant be proved to not be underage- hopefully there are no visible tattoos in your pics) as they dont want to be shutdown and risk court. (and also, most porn sites will take down vids if you can prove you're the girl in the vid and didnt give permission for its publication- YMMV)

The real problem is if he shares it with his mates it will be very tricky to track down every copy.

I know its easy for me to sit here and say this, but if he does give it to his mates and the Gardai get involved people are inclined to panic and will rush to delete it and stop sharing as nobody wants to get implicated in a case like this. So you would have that going for you at least.

Again, I know its easy for me to say, but even if it does get released and it does go online people will see it, but apart from the odd assh0le, nobody will ever say it to you. Its just as embarrassing for them as it is you. Lots of women dont find out until years later. I'd try not to worry about it if I were you.

LegacyUser

Hi all, just to cover a few of the responses - I meant to type that they are more incriminating for me than him, as my face is visible.

In terms of age, I am 28 but I get ID'ed all the time so possibly look much younger.

I know the manner in which I described going over to get them isn't exactly ideal, but to be honest I can't really think of a better way to do it - if I bring the topic up over text, he is likely to get defensive, and if I ask if I can come around to get them, he can easily make his own copy whilst I am on my way there (if you see what I mean).

dafunk

<snip> I'm sure your ex is a good guy. You wouldn't have been with him otherwise. My advice is to let it go for the moment, don't mention it to him. Let him calm down from the anger and in a few months from now you can approach him, apologise to him for your behaviour and the hurt you've caused him and then ask him about deleting the pictures. The chances are he will delete them himself anyway. He won't have any interest in looking at them if he's hurt and angry.

blatantrereg

mitterix wrote: »

Hi all, just to cover a few of the responses - I meant to type that they are more incriminating for me than him, as my face is visible.

In terms of age, I am 28 but I get ID'ed all the time so possibly look much younger.

I know the manner in which I described going over to get them isn't exactly ideal, but to be honest I can't really think of a better way to do it - if I bring the topic up over text, he is likely to get defensive, and if I ask if I can come around to get them, he can easily make his own copy whilst I am on my way there (if you see what I mean).

There's nothing you can do to force him to delete them.
If he has thought of them at all, he has probably already deleted them of his own accord.
If you insist on asking him, it is best to be direct about it. There's an offensive implication no matter which way you put it.
"If you haven't already done so, would you please delete those videos." This at least suggests you think he probably did it already, rather than sounding like you imagine he's **** furiously over you or something.

NightOfTheHunt

I would file a report in your local garda station, to protect yourself if he does use photos in a malicious way in the future

shampooman

Ah for jaysus sake the chances of him doing such a thing are extremely remote. It would make him look like an awful weird creep and possibly damage his reputation more than yours. He is obviously hurting but to post nude pics of an ex no matter how the relationship ended would be extremely over the top and in a word bizarre. If I were you I would cut contact and let the fella recover from the break up in his own time.

Best to both of you, break ups are always difficult for both parties no matter the circumstances!

Holsten

NightOfTheHunt wrote: »

I would file a report in your local garda station, to protect yourself if he does use photos in a malicious way in the future

File a report for what? Nothing illegal has happened here.

OP is in the wrong, not the boyfriend. She's cheated and ended the relationship, he hasn't done anything.

Madness.

Buzz Killington the third

I'd like to point out that while you don't like the fact that he has them, I'm sure he wouldn't like you having them either if his body parts are present in the photos so I wouldn't ask for them if I was you.

If he's a decent guy he'll delete them and move on with his life.

tenifan

NightOfTheHunt wrote: »

I would file a report in your local garda station, to protect yourself if he does use photos in a malicious way in the future

That would be embarrassing and pointless.

The photos are his property and he has every right to keep a copy (this could be fought in court as the op has a right to privacy.. though I'd imagine the case could become quite high profile!). Not legal advice... I could be talking s****.

I reckon, it's not an issue at present and it's unlikely those photos will get out. No point worrying about it.

Stenth

Whether the OP is an evil person for cheating on her boyfriend is a different issue and doesn't do much for solving the problem.

But I have to agree with the other responses. Either you trust him to delete the pictures if you ask for it, or you don't. There is no way you can expect to have proof of him doing it. Even if you smash his hard drive with a sledgehammer and hire a forensic team to search his home and all of his friends' homes for memory sticks, how do you know that he hasn't opened a secret Gmail account in a false name and sent copies of the pictures there? That way lie madness.

Going there under false pretenses and demand that he deletes them while you watch the process (in effect saying that you do not trust him) is exactly the kind of behavior that could make him undelete them afterwards. You can't win that game. Just ask nicely.