Long term reader of things. First time writer

Mulan_Savers

Hi all, my housemate pointed me here - said you were a friendly bunch. I hope so, because I'd like some... feedback, guidance - anything you can offer really on the following.

I picked up a pencil(!) and started writing earlier - maybe the first time I've written anything since school (quite a while ago (I'm still using a pencil)). Um so anyway. I'd like to hear anything you can throw at me. I hadn't written much but started to feel self conscious slightly. Am I writing in the correct tense? Is this too hacky? Does it make sense outside my brain? Etc etc. At that point I thought I'd seek some feedback, see if I'm on the right lines. Or even on any lines. So, here it is:

The cold, red soil deep beneath the street still belongs to Mars - but apart from that, you're home.

Mothers hold back their children as they wait for traffic to pass, taxi drivers spin trusting tourists around unfamilar corners, and the air, when pumped in, scientifically as sweet and clear as a spring morning, now plays host to the collective expenditures of the 30 million inhabitants of CK5.

It's Thursday evening and Matthias Landsberg's battered Chevy is cresting the wave of the artificial dusk washing speedily across the great metropolis.

As the vast shadow crashes mechanically into the easternmost reaches of the city, Landsberg drops his eyes to the dash, the jarring halt to the daytime still feels unnatural, despite the decade shuttered between him and natural light.

As he stares down, the dashboard clock takes the opportunity to mock him - brazenly flashing 18:02, despite knowing full well that sundown is at 18:00 - sharp.

It is perhaps the most minor in a day full of annoyances, but it rankles our hero nonetheless - emblematic as it is of a life lived forever on the wrong side of the monolithically demarcated rules printed Sinai-high on the governmental building standing bullseye, dead-centre in the middle of CK5. Both geographically and in the minds of its residents.

"DIRECTIVE 8: It is every citizen's loyal responsibility to ensure all personal timepieces are kept permanently synchronised to Governmental Standard Time"

As logical an ideal as it is, it fails to take into account the effects of interplanetary shipping on the workings of the in-dash clock of a certain pre-colonial automobile - and also of the technological ineptitude of its owner.


Any and all feedback gratefully received. Cheers!

MS

Kayly

I'm not a regular on this forum, and just happened to see your post on the home page. I have to say I really like it. I do read a lot, and while I don't read much sci fi, your opening made me want to read on. I'm not 100% sure if the present tense is the best way to go, but to me it reads quite well. The last sentence is a little longwinded, maybe, but overall I could sense a good story about to unfold.

Mulan_Savers

Kayly wrote: »

I'm not a regular on this forum, and just happened to see your post on the home page. I have to say I really like it. I do read a lot, and while I don't read much sci fi, your opening made me want to read on. I'm not 100% sure if the present tense is the best way to go, but to me it reads quite well. The last sentence is a little longwinded, maybe, but overall I could sense a good story about to unfold.

Woah. That was quick - thanks! Thanks for the kind words. I agree though, reading it back, the last sentence doesn't quite work... I'll edit it now.

As for the tense, that's rather trickier. I'll have to read up on it I feel

Mulan_Savers

Mulan_Savers wrote: »

Woah. That was quick - thanks! Thanks for the kind words. I agree though, reading it back, the last sentence doesn't quite work... I'll edit it now.

As for the tense, that's rather trickier. I'll have to read up on it I feel

Maybe:

A logical ideal indeed. However, as we shall come to learn - Matthias Landsberg is no respector of logic. Or anything very much at all for that matter...

Das Kitty

I wouldn't get hung on the tense to be honest. What you have works fine.

I really liked it and am intrigued to read more.

The only thing that jarred for me was "our hero". My instant reaction to that as a reader is always "I'll be the judge of that!" Just leave it at 'him'.

I really loved the language and tone, and you really really should continue writing as much as possible!

Mulan_Savers

Das Kitty wrote: »

I wouldn't get hung on the tense to be honest. What you have works fine.

I really liked it and am intrigued to read more.

The only thing that jarred for me was "our hero". My instant reaction to that as a reader is always "I'll be the judge of that!" Just leave it at 'him'.

I really loved the language and tone, and you really really should continue writing as much as possible!

Thanks! Very kind. 'Our hero' felt a bit weird when I wrote it but I kinda liked it. I'll have a think about other ways to refer to him.

I think I will continue writing when I get in from work, I just started and blurted this without thinking too much - but I guess maybe I will need a plan of sorts, at least of the plot.

coffee_cake

I think our hero would work if it's a pure satire like northanger abbey, but not in a normal book

Sounds interesting, I love scifi anyway. and dystopian stuff :cool:

Whispered

Your opening line is brilliant and instantly creates a sci fi, future of humanity type of setting. I like it!

Clive

It's a very engaging opening line OP. A few of the words you choose in the second paragraph in particular jar with me a little, but that could just be personal taste.

As someone who reads a lot of science fiction one detail jumps out to me - why is it an artificial dusk? A Martian colony suggests, to me anyway, domed structures, since a Martian day is close to our own. If it's completely enclosed, I think it should be alluded to. Also if sundown is at an exact time, why are shadows moving across the city? If night falls across a huge metropolis from one side to another, surely it takes more than a minute?

It probably seems a bit pernickity but with science fiction little details can take you out of the world being created.

Keep that pencil moving OP, I want to know what happens next.

alfa beta

its good

Al Monds

I like sci-fi and my preference is for present tense.
I reckon it is the best for suspense?