To Break The Ice or Call It Quits?

LegacyUser

I've been exclusively dating this guy for 4 months and we get on great. Last Thursday we'd arranged a lunch date in town, he'd asked me. I was all ready to go and sent him a text (texting is our primary communication method) asking what time and where I should meet him? He responded saying he was waiting for money to transfer from one bank acc to another before he could go. I waited and waited and heard nothing from him after that so I went to meet a friend.

That evening he texted me completely normal asking what I'd gotten up to for the day and never mentioned our pre-planned date. I was so angry and replied asking him why he hadn't contacted me all day. His response what that he assumed I'd figured it out that his money hadn't transferred. I replied to this in what I felt was a rational response saying how I understood his situation re: the money but I thought he'd have the matters to let me know. I haven't heard from him since...

I really like this guy but I have standards and to have somebody blow me off like that and not even apologise or try to make amends...well I just think it's rude. The fact is he's made no attempt to contact me since. Part of me wants to contact him and work things out but another part of me feels that if he hasn't contacted me in 3 days it shows how little he values the relationship.

Should I break the ice and contact him or should I forget him and move on? I'd really appreciate some advice

Sarn

This really shows a lack of consideration and manners. It wouldn't have taken much for him to ring beforehand and apologise for not being able to meet you.

However, if this is the first blip then I think it is worth seeing if you can clear it up with him. We can all act the idiot occasionally.

Czarcasm

kellymariegriff90 wrote: »

I really like this guy but I have standards and to have somebody blow me off like that and not even apologise or try to make amends...well I just think it's rude. The fact is he's made no attempt to contact me since. Part of me wants to contact him and work things out but another part of me feels that if he hasn't contacted me in 3 days it shows how little he values the relationship.

Should I break the ice and contact him or should I forget him and move on? I'd really appreciate some advice

Honestly, texting as a primary means of communication is never a good idea first off IMO.

Second - You say you have standards, and this guy clearly doesn't meet those standards if he leaves you hanging like that and doesn't even contact you to explain what the hold up was. It's even worse when he DOES contact you and behaves like nothing happened.

Thirdly - This is only four months in and it sounds like you're making all the arrangements and doing all the running.

To me, that sounds like the noveltys worn off the relationship for him, and perhaps it'd be a better idea to maintain your dignity and move on rather than go chasing him by text again. You'll only end up getting more and more frustrated with the lack of interest and effort from his end.

Mr. Incognito

I think he was embarrassed. No one likes to admit they are broke.

You could have offered to pay for lunch? Do you normally go halves?

midnight_train

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think he was embarrassed. No one likes to admit they are broke.

Then he shouldn't have invited her to go to lunch then, in fairness.

OP, I think his behaviour is pretty rude, but if you like him and it's a once-off then I think it's OK to get back in touch. But do be careful that this type of behaviour doesn't become a regular thing, because it's not cool.

Lou.m

kellymariegriff90 wrote: »

I've been exclusively dating this guy for 4 months and we get on great. Last Thursday we'd arranged a lunch date in town, he'd asked me. I was all ready to go and sent him a text (texting is our primary communication method) asking what time and where I should meet him? He responded saying he was waiting for money to transfer from one bank acc to another before he could go. I waited and waited and heard nothing from him after that so I went to meet a friend.

That evening he texted me completely normal asking what I'd gotten up to for the day and never mentioned our pre-planned date. I was so angry and replied asking him why he hadn't contacted me all day. His response what that he assumed I'd figured it out that his money hadn't transferred. I replied to this in what I felt was a rational response saying how I understood his situation re: the money but I thought he'd have the matters to let me know. I haven't heard from him since...

I really like this guy but I have standards and to have somebody blow me off like that and not even apologise or try to make amends...well I just think it's rude. The fact is he's made no attempt to contact me since. Part of me wants to contact him and work things out but another part of me feels that if he hasn't contacted me in 3 days it shows how little he values the relationship.

Should I break the ice and contact him or should I forget him and move on? I'd really appreciate some advice

I would express your disappointment and let him know that it was rude and he should accept that and you should say you expect an apology. I would say that even to a friend let alone a BF.

Let him know it is not about the money and that is not the issue and it would be ok to let you pay or whatever. But that leaving you hanging on like that is obnoxious of him and she should apologize. Saying he thought you would figure it out is doubly rude.

Tell him you expect him to act differently next time and money is not the issue here.

If he continues to be inconsiderate yes I would not see him any longer.

Lou.m

kellymariegriff90 wrote: »

I've been exclusively dating this guy for 4 months and we get on great. Last Thursday we'd arranged a lunch date in town, he'd asked me. I was all ready to go and sent him a text (texting is our primary communication method) asking what time and where I should meet him? He responded saying he was waiting for money to transfer from one bank acc to another before he could go. I waited and waited and heard nothing from him after that so I went to meet a friend.

That evening he texted me completely normal asking what I'd gotten up to for the day and never mentioned our pre-planned date. I was so angry and replied asking him why he hadn't contacted me all day. His response what that he assumed I'd figured it out that his money hadn't transferred. I replied to this in what I felt was a rational response saying how I understood his situation re: the money but I thought he'd have the matters to let me know. I haven't heard from him since...

I really like this guy but I have standards and to have somebody blow me off like that and not even apologise or try to make amends...well I just think it's rude. The fact is he's made no attempt to contact me since. Part of me wants to contact him and work things out but another part of me feels that if he hasn't contacted me in 3 days it shows how little he values the relationship.

Should I break the ice and contact him or should I forget him and move on? I'd really appreciate some advice

Actually this has sort of happened to me twice just to go on.

Once a guy on a first date (we were going halves by the way ) went to an atm and realized he had no funds. He was embarrassed but i just bought his ticket to the film we were going to and then got him coffee after. It did not stop him from remembering his manners nor being a gentleman to me. And I thought no less of him and was impressed by his ability to brush it off and still be attentive to me as a girl.

On another occasion ....a guy who I had known a while ....asked me out ...I accepted . I got done up and went to the pub and it was the first date in a while after not being in the right place I had been asked out a fair few times by people but I was not there yet. And I waited ...and I waited ....and I waited ....he never showed ...I was so forlorn. I hated him. I had a bit of a cry in the toilets and someone came in to see if I was ok.

I went home ...he then texted me the next day to say he had a financial issue ( knew he was cash strapped but he was the one who arranged it and I assumed he would know it was ok to say so) He stood me up. Awful. Unforgivable. (that was what I felt perhaps ilogical but there you go) . He asked me out again. I said 'it is just not meant to be'. I could not bring myself to accept after feeling so hurt by him. I was there waiting in the place like a fool for a bloody HR!!!!! The barstaff could see what mus thave happened and one of the men came up and said 'he is a bloody idiot love'! He could have texted and stopped me from going at least!
I was polite to him ..we are still friends...but that is all and all we shall be ...i was hurt !
PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS!:(

Notice the difference in the two incidents ....the first guy became a relationship ....the second did not ....

I have never dated a guy who had a lot of dosh....but it is amazing how differently people handle that situation. I understand money can be stressful when it is not there. I would have always said to men who did not have a lot that they should worry about what they need and not spend it on me. THAT DOES NOT MEAN DO NOT BE A GENTLEMAN! It is not an excuse not to make an effort.

Sorry just had to get that off my chest. .....gosh felt good to purge that memory.

Teyla Emmagan

I would also give him another chance, to explain at least. Clearly it's not good he hasn't been in touch in the last 3 days, but if you like him give it another go. Just say you assumed (as anyone would) that he'd get in touch regardless of whether or not the money came through. Or at least to apologise when it didn't and make new plans. It does sound like he thought you realised the whole thing was dependant on the funds arriving. Personally I would have at least expected a 'sorry, it won't be happening today' though. Which is reasonable/good manners. It sounds like a lack of consideration on his part, but maybe not a terminal one.

Chattastrophe!

Czarcasm wrote: »

Honestly, texting as a primary means of communication is never a good idea first off IMO.

I don't see why? I live with my partner and we still communicate an awful lot through text messaging and Facebook messaging etc, we both work full-time, we can't exactly go phoning each other during working hours. Or before we moved in together, if we weren't spending the evenings together, chances are one or both of us was spending time with family or friends. So again a lot of communication would be done by text. I'm not saying it's the ideal, but I'd think it's how a lot of communication happens in many relationships these days, it's not necessarily in itself a bad thing.

Anyways to the OP, four months is (in my experience) a decent length of time to get to know someone, has he been flakey like this before? What he did was a bit crap, but at the same time I can see how it could have been a genuine miscommunication. I definitely wouldn't put up with that behaviour on a regular basis, but as a once-off I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt.

On the other hand, you don't seem in any way upset at all at the prospect of potentially breaking up with him. That's something I think you should take into consideration. If you'd seriously consider breaking up with him over this, maybe you need to think about if there's any real future in the relationship ...?

Personally I don't think it's OK to just not contact your partner for three days, but I can't help thinking you're both a little bit to blame for that - as I'm interpreting it, you contacted him last, but even so, you can't really be having that sort of tit-for-tat in healthy relationships ... if I were you, if I wanted to make the relationship work, I think I'd have contacted him before now. (I do think he's also in the wrong for not replying to you ... however I'm curious about the "rational response" that you sent him that he never since replied to, maybe it didn't come across to him the way you meant it to and he's angry over whatever way he interpreted it?)

December2012

Just call him and talk to him.

Czarcasm

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

I don't see why? I live with my partner and we still communicate an awful lot through text messaging and Facebook messaging etc, we both work full-time, we can't exactly go phoning each other during working hours. Or before we moved in together, if we weren't spending the evenings together, chances are one or both of us was spending time with family or friends. So again a lot of communication would be done by text. I'm not saying it's the ideal, but I'd think it's how a lot of communication happens in many relationships these days, it's not necessarily in itself a bad thing.

You answered your own question there for me Chattastrophe -

Personally I don't think it's OK to just not contact your partner for three days, but I can't help thinking you're both a little bit to blame for that - as I'm interpreting it, you contacted him last, but even so, you can't really be having that sort of tit-for-tat in healthy relationships ... if I were you, if I wanted to make the relationship work, I think I'd have contacted him before now. (I do think he's also in the wrong for not replying to you ... however I'm curious about the "rational response" that you sent him that he never since replied to, maybe it didn't come across to him the way you meant it to and he's angry over whatever way he interpreted it?)

Texting as their primary means of communication means that too much can get misinterpreted, filling in the blanks, people get lazy about making an effort to see each other in person, the whole thing as you point out where instead of just picking up the phone and calling the guy the OP in this case waits three days before she THEN decides to contact the guy because he didn't contact her first...

I mean, in this case they're only dating four months and neither of them seem all that bothered if things don't work out. I've seen it happen so many times now in the early stages of dating and even in the online dating world where people will get too lazy to make the effort to meet up and just get comfortable with texting or facebooking, whatsapp, whatever.

Totally different thing to when you're in a relationship with someone a lot longer and you actually make the effort to see each other and make time for each other and face to face is your primary means of communication.