Overly Clingy and Obsessive Friend

LegacyUser

I have a friend whose clinginess is starting to drive me demented. We are involved in a mutual hobby and usually see each other once a week due to that. Despite seeing him regularly he constantly wants to meet up and 'do something'. Sometimes I do it, other times I have to make up an excuse, as if I tell him I just don't feel like it it won't be good enough.

In our hobby, we're embarking on a group project now and it's driven him into overdrive. He will text/email me daily about it, and if I don't reply he just keeps going. It's gotten to the stage now that I cringe when my phone beeps.

I'm not particularly introverted but I need my space. I see him way more often than my other friends but it's never enough for him. I should point out that it's not like he's lonely or anything, he has a partner and loads of other friends. I know I should be flattered that he wants to hang out with me so much(!) but it's getting draining.

He's a good guy but very intense and domineering, and I get the impression he's gotten his own way all his life whereas I'm pretty laid back (might be why he's latched on). Right now he's pissed off at me because I'm not around to hang out, even though no concrete plans were made, and I just saw him a few days ago. I don't want to stop being friends with him or give up the hobby that I enjoy, but I'm unsure how to get him to wind it back a notch. Help!

LegacyUser

Klingon1 wrote: »

I have a friend whose clinginess is starting to drive me demented. We are involved in a mutual hobby and usually see each other once a week due to that. Despite seeing him regularly he constantly wants to meet up and 'do something'. Sometimes I do it, other times I have to make up an excuse, as if I tell him I just don't feel like it it won't be good enough.

In our hobby, we're embarking on a group project now and it's driven him into overdrive. He will text/email me daily about it, and if I don't reply he just keeps going. It's gotten to the stage now that I cringe when my phone beeps.

I'm not particularly introverted but I need my space. I see him way more often than my other friends but it's never enough for him. I should point out that it's not like he's lonely or anything, he has a partner and loads of other friends. I know I should be flattered that he wants to hang out with me so much(!) but it's getting draining.

He's a good guy but very intense and domineering, and I get the impression he's gotten his own way all his life whereas I'm pretty laid back (might be why he's latched on). Right now he's pissed off at me because I'm not around to hang out, even though no concrete plans were made, and I just saw him a few days ago. I don't want to stop being friends with him or give up the hobby that I enjoy, but I'm unsure how to get him to wind it back a notch. Help!

Been in this situation. Begin to set clear boundaries. Only reply to texts calls etc at certain times and stick to it. Decide when and how often you would like to spend time with him and clearly stick to that.

Right now he isn't being a very good friend to you because he isn't respecting your right to privacy and taking advantage of you.

Merkin

If I was in your shoes I know I'd end up falling out with the person simply because I'd feel so suffocated and annoyed! Sounds like you've been very patient, I've been in your shoes and just found it really overbearing.

You've got good advice above re setting boundaries. Seems like you need to be quite specific and explicit in your boundary setting with this person. So for example, you meet up to do your hobby on a Wednesday night. After practice, say something like 'I've a lot on in the next week so don't expect to hear from me until I see you next Wed' and then I'd just blank him for the week. Totally cut him out for seven days.mThere is absolutely no point in 'weaning' someone as overbearing as this as they'll just up the ante until you bend into submission. Tell him, be firm about it and then stick with it. When he goes a week without any communication you can then re establish boundaries when you feel he is ready.

LeonardNelson

You should talk to him and tell him how you feel. He needs to know that he's irritating and your not comfortable with what he's doing. If you still want to keep the friendship, confront him.

Bafucin

Involve others in your activities more and maybe it will take the pressure off. Give him a reason of what you are doing. Say I am just relaxing now chat later. Or tell him you have other plans a certain day but you will see him next Tuesday. Turn your phone off. If he texts late say it is a bit late to get into this now text tomorrow. He will get the message. If not just say 'hey i could do with some space here'.