Problem because of my father.

LegacyUser

Problem because of my father's identity.


This is an odd problem, I think. So I'm a 20 year old college student in Ireland. I want to be successful and to be a decent, happy human. But I have a serious mental block in pursuing these things and trying to push myself because of the man my father is. My father is lazy, stupid, ignorant, close minded and greedy. He is all of these things to quite a high degree. This becomes more and more apparent to me the older I get. I Just feel like I'm genetically predisposed to be the complete failure of a person that he is. It seems impossible to me that I could be the complete opposite of my own father. As much as I try to overcome this feeling I just can't. It stops me from pushing myself to tap into whatever potential I may have. I'm often told by close friends that I don't think nearly enough of myself and that I don't take myself seriously. I think they're probably right but I find it very difficult to think that I can't shake off my DNA. I feel like this is really holding me back. If anyone has experienced something similar and has overcome this or knows of examples of people who have or can give me any kind of constructive advice I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance

December2012

You may have learned some of your fathers behaviour, but you're not his clone.

You don't HAVE to be like him; it's not genetic, it's just by example.

Plenty of people are nothing like their parents.

You may have to do some work on yourself to retrain your habits.

You also have to accept that it's very easy to blame our environment for the things we don't like about ourselves. It's a lot easier than accepting that we have a part to play and accept some of the responsibilities ourselves.

Rubberchikken

You want to be a better person than your father, the only person who could stop you is you.
Lots of people are nothing like their parents.
You want to be everything your dad isn't, then just get started, and enjoy your life.

freshpopcorn

Honestly, we can't pick our parents but we can pick our role models and choose the path we want to take in life.

Lou.m

I am lucky ...my dad is a great role model he came from nothing and worked hard and is moral strong and has conviction.

You want to have him as a role model :-) ?

Do you ! That is who you were born to be. Be you! Keep faith in yourself.

Find people who believe in you and surround yourself with caring kind considerate people.

R.D. aka MR.D

Are you using this as an excuse not to push yourself and become better?
Oh well, it's in my DNA to be lazy so i'll just be lazy.

I come from a long line of alcoholics. Should i just give up and hit the bottle just cause it's in my genes?

Maybe consider speaking to the college's mental health services. Usually, in college, it's free and they can help with your self-esteem and motivation.

ManOfMystery

The motivation to work hard isn't something that's in your cells, your DNA or your biology. It's a mindset, a discipline - not a physical trait.

That's why there are many examples of hard-working, self-made millionaires .................................... with lazy children who sponge off them.

A friend of mine is one of the hardest working guys you'll ever meet, hugely ambitious and determined to do well in life. He'll freely admit he was taught the value of hard work and striving for success by his father, who is of the same mindset. "There's your proof, it's all genetic!" I hear you cry. Not quite - he's adopted.

There is absolutely no law that says you have to act or behave in any way similar to your father. If you want to work hard, and succeed, you have the ability inside yourself to do that. You only have to cast off this baggage you seem to have that is really all just inside your head.

LegacyUser

My college does offer free counselling, might not be the worst idea. I know that all the repilies are probably well informed and true, but it's surprisingly hard to shake off the baggage in my mind that I discussed in my op.

Obliq

SonOfSod wrote: »

Problem because of my father's identity.


This is an odd problem, I think. So I'm a 20 year old college student in Ireland. I want to be successful and to be a decent, happy human. But I have a serious mental block in pursuing these things and trying to push myself because of the man my father is. My father is lazy, stupid, ignorant, close minded and greedy. He is all of these things to quite a high degree. This becomes more and more apparent to me the older I get. I Just feel like I'm genetically predisposed to be the complete failure of a person that he is. It seems impossible to me that I could be the complete opposite of my own father. As much as I try to overcome this feeling I just can't. It stops me from pushing myself to tap into whatever potential I may have. I'm often told by close friends that I don't think nearly enough of myself and that I don't take myself seriously. I think they're probably right but I find it very difficult to think that I can't shake off my DNA. I feel like this is really holding me back. If anyone has experienced something similar and has overcome this or knows of examples of people who have or can give me any kind of constructive advice I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks in advance

OP, sometimes the best example is of what you don't want to do/become. I have a mother who's behaviour and character is not something I would wish to emulate, but I have two parents. I tend to try and feel more similar to my father who doesn't have the problematic behaviour/emotional difficulties.

I do understand where you're coming from though - for years I would beat myself up if I came out with anything that sounded like my mother would say, and actively did exactly the opposite of what I thought she would do, leading to it's own problems actually! Effectively, when I was a young woman leaving home, I was more of a blank slate than other people, as I had determined to throw off as many of her proscriptive notions as possible but had no closer example of "how to be a nice woman" to turn to. I think there's a feeling of limbo, or being a bit lost, that goes with the territory of having a parent that you don't respect or wish to be anything like. Therapy has helped with this a lot, as has learning to respect myself for who I am, and also so has accepting that character traits are what you make of them.

Nowadays, I've come to accept it better that there ARE some similarities between us, but where (for example) my mother is super emotional and swings wildly between extremes, my personality is more tempered by my father's logic and calm personality (who I have aligned myself with more), so I am less irrational than my mother but am also an emotional person. My mother's selfishness is something that I am AWARE is also in me, and the difference is that I am aware of it and she is not, so I have worked hard on myself to consider other's feelings and needs much more than she has. That too makes me a very different kettle of fish to her.

Essentially OP, if you're holding yourself back through fear of stepping in your father's footprints, you need help to work this out so that you can stop obsessing about whether you have unhealthy similarities with him. I'd suggest that you find a councillor to talk this through with, and be open to their thoughts on the subject (you mention closed-mindedness as a trait that you don't want to inherit). I'd also suggest that if you do have a habit of dwelling on things and allowing them to drag you down/colour your life, that this is a character trait you might want to work on as well.