erection problems and me being lazy/selfish

LegacyUser

In 30 and after getting to know a guy , last night we finally tried to sleep together . He couldnt get an erection and after a hour of trying I was feeling a bit despairing even though I tried to hide that from him and insisted it was no big deal and didn't matter. I told him we just weren't comfortable together yet and it's probably easier to perform with a total stranger etc etc. I'd to get up for work this morning so when felt it was going nowhere I just asked eventually if we could snuggle up and go to sleep. Half hour later just when I was nodding off he started again but i said i was too tired. He was obviously pretty tense at this stage and said he was going home and that I was being really selfish - id had an orgasm and should have kept going until he had also come. I've never been someone who's into long love making sessions and while I really enjoy see is not the be all and end all. Am I selfish? He said he would have kept going all night of I hadn't come yet (I'd never ask our expect this of any guy though, I'd get bored myself and just let it go and think 'next time' ' ). I think Its quite a while since he's slept with anyone (and years since he's had a relationship and not just a one night stand )so get that is all stressful for him and he had high expectations of our sleeping together. I know in general I can be pretty selfish and put my own needs above others( even though in other ways I'm really supportive and caring). When I was younger and had less confidence id no doubt have kept going but at this stage of my life I have a can't be a**ed attitude. While I really really like him I also really like my own space etc and not prepared to go into a relationship unless it's worth it. I feel like such a horrible person now. Out of a long term relationship about 2 years now and wonder if I'm too selfish to ever be in another and should embrace being single. This post is all over the place , sorry!!! Needed to offload as need to know if should let this guy go to find someone who's more giving.

Tasden

I dunno OP he probably felt that he had something to prove after not being able to perform earlier and when you rejected him when he was ready to do so he maybe felt a little humiliated..? Maybe his comments about you being selfish were more just him venting his anger at the situation as opposed to him thinking you're a selfish person.
On the other hand though he probably did feel frustrated and if you finished and he didn't maybe he felt a little annoyed that once you were finished you wanted to sleep instead of returning the favour, that you weren't being patient or understanding.

You just need to chat about it I think and just be honest with each other. I don't think its something to end a relationship over though. His ego was probably a bit bruised so he was oversensitive, not that I'm justifying what he said or anything.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying! After I came I tried again with him for about 20 minutes but he wasn't getting in the slightest hard so I gave up! I know he was humiliated- rejection is hard but must have been infinitely worse because of the erection issue.i guess he got me thinking though- in general I often think I'm like a man - I prefer minimal foreplay and to get straight to the chase. I don't think I'm used to having to make a massive amount of effort and I don't put relationships at the top of my priorities. I do not know if he's going to get over this and while id like to give it a while to see what comes of it, I just don't know if ill be willing to spend hours on foreplay every time we sleep together

Tasden

edselfish wrote: »

Thanks for replying! After I came I tried again with him for about 20 minutes but he wasn't getting in the slightest hard so I gave up! I know he was humiliated- rejection is hard but must have been infinitely worse because of the erection issue.i guess he got me thinking though- in general I often think I'm like a man - I prefer minimal foreplay and to get straight to the chase. I don't think I'm used to having to make a massive amount of effort and I don't put relationships at the top of my priorities. I do not know if he's going to get over this and while id like to give it a while to see what comes of it, I just don't know if ill be willing to spend hours on foreplay every time we sleep together

The longer it goes on with you trying and nothing happening the less likely it is to happen tbh. It becomes an issue then and the pressure is just gonna lead to nothing happening.
It may take time in the beginning until he is less nervous or whatever but I wouldn't throw away an otherwise good (I'm assuming? ) relationship just because theres gonna be a bit of effort involved.

When you say foreplay, without being too graphic here, do you mean just oral and hands or do you mean all the other stuff as well- cuddles, kissing, massage, even just talking in bed while cuddling and stuff? I wouldn't be mad into loads of foreplay if it was just the former but all the other stuff counts too in the context of him getting turned on and comfortable.

Having said that, sex should be fun not a chore or something you dread so if you're not willing to make the effort maybe it is best to call it a day.

Sleepless and Manic

Its pretty common in men for all sorts of reasons, stress, medications, booze, sickness. The thing is the more you try the more you're going to fail. It turns out its a very delicate balance. YOu start to dwell on it in the slightest and its gone, and how can you not think about it.

I've never tried it myself but Viagra takes care of the problem doesnt it? Pop one of those and you're good to go. And you can work out the psychology later.

rcarroll

Sorry but I have to say I think you're right and have the right attitude. Not being able to get an erection is his problem. You tried- you tried to stimulate him for 20mins, was patient and pretended it didn't matter. After that if he wants to get touchy about it and offended I'd hand him his walking papers. It's early days- you gave it a try, and he reacted with a childish pout. I'm sure this isn't the first time for it to happen to him or even if it is- he should be able to handle it with more grace than he's shown you. Why should you have to placate and sooth and boost his ego??

IrishEyes19

I dont think you and him sound very compatible. I think people who are sleeping together need to be on the same page sexually as well as emotionally, and from what you have described, you don't sound like you are. Now its only the first time you have slept with him, but if he takes longer than you every-time, does that mean you won't go that far everytime for him? Its not a criticism. Just something to note.

If he is a relationship type of guy, maybe its time to have the chat, see where you both stand. You dont sound very into him, OP, if Im being honest. Maybe its time to evaluate this so that both of you are happy

Obliq

InTheTrees wrote: »

Ouch. The OP has described classic ED.

I dont understand why that makes them incompatible.

I don't think ED is a valid excuse for whining to the OP that she didn't keep going all night because he didn't come yet (as he would have done, apparently...). The OP was quite clear above about being at the stage of maturity where it's more of a "meh, there's always another time". The man in question clearly isn't at that stage = incompatible.

tara73

OP, the reaction of the guy sounds quite childish. he obviously felt humiliated and wanted to load this off to you and make you feel guilty instead.

I mean, we can only judge from what you tell us, but you said you tried for 20 min, explained to him it doesn't matter and you'll have another time.

also a very valid point is you had to get up in the morning, be fit for work, so needed your nights sleep. instead he woke you up again. I think that's selfish.
Could be done at weekends or holidays, or for sure in students lifes, but it's completely understandable not being in the position to play around the whole night when having to get up in the morning for work.

I mean, nobody was there (thank god:D) so we don't know how you choose your words. we all know it's not only about what you say, it's how you say it. you said yourself you are a bit 'manlike' and my guess is, you might have been a bit aprubt in your words or are in general a bit insensitive with the way you express things and that doubled his humiliation?

I don't think you sound selfish either OP, and if you'd been trying all night and he didn't get an erection it would have been even worse for him, and awful for the next time.

I think he took it out on you and thats unfair, if you didn't blame him and were patient, then he definitely shouldn't blame you.

All you can do about it is talk and try and defuse the situation. Make it clear though that he isn't entitled to take his frustrations out on you or call you selfish. It's not his fault, but it's not yours either.

Obliq

"said he was going home and that I was being really selfish"

This, on a first night together (or any night together really)? Considering that she was doing her best, wasn't able to arouse him and needed to get up for work - was it reasonable for him to make such a big deal of it? In my view, I'd be very uncomfortable with the way he handled things, ED or no ED. I don't see why anyone, even with a difficult problem like ED, should have special dispensation to be rude as hell.


Edit: This was in reply to Inthetrees, but the original post seems to have vanished. Maybe just boards being buggy though....

Tasden

I don't think its fair to say "I had work in the morning so he was selfish to be keeping me awake to satisfy him" because at the end of the day if your 20 minutes of effort had worked and he was able to perform you wouldn't have been going asleep you would have been perfectly happy having sex for however long it took.
It was the fact that you decided you weren't bothered about it anymore (which is fair enough) and wanted to sleep instead once you were finished that he was annoyed at I'm assuming. Not saying you're not within your rights to be tired or wanting to sleep, just that it wasn't really an issue until he wasn't able to perform. I know that you had wasted time or whatever but I can see why he'd be a little irritated that you were willing to stay awake up til that point and then once you were satisfied and ready to stop trying you were concerned about being up early.