Some advice needed...

Owl tattoo

Hi guys,

I'm new to parenting forum but have often found some pretty sound advice from other posts here.
Anyway my problem, although it may seem to some that I should just put my foot down and choose, is easier said than done.
I have a twelve year old son due to start secondary school in September...we have him enrolled in a good secondary school but it's not the one where his friends are going...in fact he does not know anyone starting with him.
The school where his friends are going is not our first choice for various reasons...probably ones that can be found in all schools but this one is situated in a town with a lot of social issues. The usual pastime for the young teenage boys from the school is to hang around this town because that's what their friends from school do.
Our son is trying to convince us that he won't settle in our choice of school and won't make friends which eventually leads to an argument as he gets so upset.
I don't know if I'm doing right or wrong here...should I separate him from his friends and go with our choice(good school, more control) or let him go to the school with his friends?

maireadH

I would say it depends. We were in a somewhat similar situation but weren't as definite about our choice as both schools are good.

We had originally intended sending him to the nearest Gael Coláiste but he wanted to go to the nearest school as all his friends were going there. In the end, we went with the nearest school. The gael coláiste is about 15-20 mins away, the nearer school about 8-10 minutes so not a huge difference there.

The main reason we chose the nearer school was because of the demographics of the schools. The year he was going, there was only one other child living within a 10 mile radius of us that would be going to the gael coláiste. We felt that it was important as he was getting older that he would have friends living reasonably locally, particularly as he's not the most outgoing of individuals.

He has stayed friends with some of his old friends and has made new friends so is getting on fine.

I would definitely not choose a school based on where his friends are going as they tend to change friends dramatically in secondary and there are generally loads of kids starting on their own. If your choice of school is still reasonably close and there are a decent number of kids living within some sort of reasonable distance from you, I would go with your choice of school. If that's not the case, then I'd do up a list of pros and cons for both and make a decision based on that.

syklops

He's 12. If you let him eat chocolate all day long, he would eat chocolate all day long. You have made the key points yourself. Better school, more control. Its the obvious choice. It seems cruel now, but in the long term it probably is the better choice.

Owl tattoo

Thanks MaireadH and Skylops for your advice...and yes he would eat chocolate all day if allowed:)
I suppose my head is telling me to go with my choice...but I'm aware of how difficult the teenage years can be and don't want to create any more stress for him. But in the end of the day I know their will be plenty of others starting in same situation, although he thinks he's the only one!
Logistics aren't as straight forward, more travelling but we are in rural area and that's part of life really. It's about a 30 min drive each way...but grandparents live ten minutes from new school so he would never have to wait around town for lift if I was delayed.
It will probably be good for him in long run, building confidence and independence..maybe I need to think more positively about move too.
The school is also offering two half days of games etc in August to allow first years to meet one another and see the school before September, this will be supervised by sixth years and couple of teachers. Hoping this will change sons opinion of whole thing!

echo beach

Owl tattoo wrote: »

I don't know if I'm doing right or wrong here...should I separate him from his friends and go with our choice(good school, more control) or let him go to the school with his friends?

You aren't separating him from his friends. He can still see his old friends, if he wants to. Is he involved with other activities like football or scouts so that all his friends don't have to be school friends?

freshpopcorn

I was actually in your sons position back in the early 2000s. There were two schools one with a good name and another with a bad name.
My best friend went to the school with the bad name and I felt like I had to go to the school with the good name to keep a family member happy(my parents let me make my own mind up). I choose to go to the good school, I was a little naive but at the start I was shocked that older pupils were smoking/drugs/general bad behaviour took place. I thought I was going to a good school everybody was good/etc. Since the town isn't that large I knew people from both schools. Being honest with you what I realised the people that wanted to do well for themselves/behave did no matter what school they went.
It did take me a few months to settle in to my secondary school but I did make friend's.
Your son should be grand, he'll make new friends over time.

Owl tattoo

echo beach wrote: »

You aren't separating him from his friends. He can still see his old friends, if he wants to. Is he involved with other activities like football or scouts so that all his friends don't have to be school friends?

He doesn't particularly like sport..so all socialising is generally done in school or sleep overs. The school he's leaving is a very small rural school with just seven boys in his class. Not much else going on if you're not into GAA:(

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I was shocked that older pupils were smoking/drugs/general bad behaviour took place. I thought I was going to a good school everybody was good/etc. Since the town isn't that large I knew people from both schools. Being honest with you what I realised the people that wanted to do well for themselves/behave did no matter what school they went.

This is the thing that gets me too..I have always said the same thing..there's a element of behaviour in every school that you hope your own child has the sense to avoid. I know it's in my sons choice of school and he and I are aware of it and have spoken about it. In the school Iv chosen, I don't know what goes on out of the teachers view.

Also he has hung around with the same three boys since junior infants...that's a long time and I feel it's wrong for me to say ' sure you'll make new friends'. They mean a lot to him and me!

I spoke to the principal(again) in local school yesterday, without going in to the real reasons for my indecision and it was a very positive conversation. My initial opinion of the control aspect seems to be dealt with by not allowing the kids out during lunch and he would be getting bus home so not hanging around town. So am I just being over cautious...lots of people are saying it's the child and support he gets from parents and peers that keeps them on right road...not just a school.
At the moment I am talking myself into more indecisions:(
Thanks guys for giving me opportunity to bounce it off those from neutral side:)

freshpopcorn

Owl tattoo wrote: »

He doesn't particularly like sport..so all socialising is generally done in school or sleep overs. The school he's leaving is a very small rural school with just seven boys in his class. Not much else going on if you're not into GAA:(



This is the thing that gets me too..I have always said the same thing..there's a element of behaviour in every school that you hope your own child has the sense to avoid. I know it's in my sons choice of school and he and I are aware of it and have spoken about it. In the school Iv chosen, I don't know what goes on out of the teachers view.

Also he has hung around with the same three boys since junior infants...that's a long time and I feel it's wrong for me to say ' sure you'll make new friends'. They mean a lot to him and me!

I spoke to the principal(again) in local school yesterday, without going in to the real reasons for my indecision and it was a very positive conversation. My initial opinion of the control aspect seems to be dealt with by not allowing the kids out during lunch and he would be getting bus home so not hanging around town. So am I just being over cautious...lots of people are saying it's the child and support he gets from parents and peers that keeps them on right road...not just a school.
At the moment I am talking myself into more indecisions:(
Thanks guys for giving me opportunity to bounce it off those from neutral side:)

The induction day in secondary school will probably be mostly sporting activities. So, your son mightn't enjoy it. Then again he might do something different and enjoy it.

Most of the secondary schools in my area allow the pupils down town for there lunch and 99% of the time. There isn't a bother. The people that are going to cause trouble will do it anyway. Honestly it was how I made friends in secondary school.

stargazer 68

Op my son is now going into Transition year but when he started secondary I choose to send him to a different school from most of his friends - I think 2 of them went to the same school he did. He actually passes 4 secondary schools on his way to his.

He was a bit worried about not knowing anyone however by the end of the first term he had completely settled in. He now has a lovely set of friends - including girls from the local girls school. It was definitely the best decision I made. Trust your instinct.

silly

I was in your EXACT situation last year. My daughter spent the whole summer trying to get me to change my mind. I stuck with my guns and sent her to what i thought was a better school. She hated it, and asked every day if she could change schools. When the results of her christmas exams came I was delighted with the grades she had got but she was still adamant she wanted to move schools as she had no friends. I started to worry about her, as she became fairly withdrawn and I was thinking I hadmade a terrible mistake and was considering changing schools, until all of a sudden, she stopped asking about changing school, she came home full of chats about this particular friend. She has one year done now, and she wouldnt change schools if I begged her to!!!
All she needed was to make a connection with someone - this girl she has become friends with is like her double - they like the same music (1 D) and they have the same personality. She is now part of a group of friends who she gets on realyl well with.

If you feel its the better school for him, then stick to your guns, if after the year you feel he hasnt settled then you can think of the other options. But all it takes is one connection with one person and it could make all the difference.

rainbowtrout

From a teacher's point of view, I think he'll be ok. If you are living in a relatively rural area, there will be plenty of other children coming from small rural schools who will be in the exact same position as him. He will make friends.

The first few weeks of secondary are quite hectic for new first years, getting the hang of moving rooms for each class, having a different teacher for each subject, following a timetable, being in a base class for core subjects and then mixing with students from other classes for the choice subjects. Doing new subjects not done in primary school. He probably won't find it as hard as he thinks.

The school I work in also does a couple of days induction run by teachers and leaving certs where leaving cert students act as mentors to the first years and if the first year is stuck and they see their mentor on the corridor they can ask them for help. They also meet up with them once a week I think for the first few weeks to make sure they are settling in ok.

On the personal side of it, my three best friends from primary school went to a secondary school across town and I went to the local school. We remained friends right the way through secondary school and I'm still friends with two of them now. This was before internet, mobile phones.

lulu1

Your son will make friends no problem after a few weeks you will be hearing names you never heard before. When my daughter started secondary school I let her choose which school she wanted to go to. There are 2 secondary schools in our area and both are good schools To my surprise she didnt choose the one her friend went too.She choose the other because they had a better art room (her words at the time) She never looked back and hopes to go to collage in sept. (now where did I put the tissues)

LegacyUser

Your son knows his friends are going to (a) school and that you want to send him to b.
He is telling you he won't settle in this school or make friends here and is getting upset so you will change your mind.

Your son is now 12 and he needs to know he won't able to get every thing he wants in his life.
At this stage you need to have a serious chat and say the following to him

a) He is going to the school you have picked as you feel it is a better school.
b) He will make new friends and even if he went to the same school as his current friends he may not be in the same class or doing the same subjects.
c) I would also tell him that most people make new friends in secondary school and some times they drop other friends when this happens.

I would then ask him would he like to do when he leaves school? He may not have idea as yet but you can then tell him I chose this school because it offers x,y,z ( pick some things your son may have an interest in). I would also say to him that the people who work hard here get good leaving certs and can go to college.

I have a relative who decided with his parents to go to a good secondary school which like yours is a distance away from where they live. He knew no one the day he started in the school but he now has a lot of nice friends, he loves the school and is getting good results in exams. He is already talking about going to college.

The reality is you have picked this school as you feel it is better and long term you want your son to do as well as possible. You don't want him hanging around the town or getting in with a bad crowd. Some teenagers think it is "cool" not to work in school but when they get poor leaving results it is to late to change then. They end up hanging around doing very little when other people are in college/ traveling or working in Ireland or abroad.

Your son may not be happy with your decision now but long term he could have made good friends here, got the course he want in college and got a good job/traveled ect.

daviecronin

Personally I would go with the 'better' school. I was in the same situation myself. I was kinda pushed is the word to go to a better school that's about 25mins by train! I knew absolutely nobody! Apart from my brother in the year above but that wasn't much help. I wont lie it wasn't easy for a while and it was hard in a way. But now I wouldn't change a thing for the world. Its a long day by all means I get up at least 7:20 and im not home till about 5 and then I have to start homeword study etc, but its a good school will mainly good students/teachers. It has a good name and I'm not sounding mean here but I will go further with it. I have drifted away from my old friends but I think it was for the better to be honest. He's your son you know him better than he knows himself at that age. Do what you think is best for him and for his future! Good luck!

Snaffles2014

Definitely go with the better school, hands down. The kids will make friends, every school will have loads of new faces even if he was going to the other school. He'll start and he'll have friends made in 2 weeks, but get him to join sports etc. in the new school and as another person said above not all friends should be school friends, better to have friends from of different outlets, school, sports, music, scouts, etc.

Barnaboy

In my area there are 3 secondary schools and my son who is in year 2 went to the nearest one to us along with some of his friends. However he has friends from different villages near the school as the secondary school has an intake from 20 different primary schools in the area.

My son is only in class with one of his old school friends though he does chat to old friends on the bus into school. He made friends quickly and really enjoys school. I believe that the school has a policy of only having a limited number of children from each primary school in each class.

Personally I would send him to the school that you want him to go to. I was happy to send him to the school that he wanted to go to and was personally very impressed with the standards and continue to be. However if you feel that your son`s interests would be better served by sending him to a different school than his friends than I would do that. He will make friends quickly and he can see his old friends as much as he wants to. My son as I said is friends with boys who do not live in our village but has had them visit us and visited them over the holidays.

As for him not socialising too much our village is also very GAA inclined and as a family we are just not! My youngest two sons attend scouts and cubs in nearby villages and my two eldest attend soccer also far away where they knew no one before joining the club. My youngest sons also did not know any one in their scout and cub packs but love it. Would there be a scout pack nearby he could join? My youngest is not sporty and loves it.

The first month it was hard getting into a routine but he will be fine. Also my son`s school has a soccer club he is a member of and there are also other clubs. The team is a mix of years and he enjoys it. I am sure he will meet new friends and be fine. My second youngest is starting secondary this September and will go to the same school as his brother and is really looking forward to it as primary is boring!! He will be fine believe me!!

Hollister11

daviecronin wrote: »

Personally I would go with the 'better' school. I was in the same situation myself. I was kinda pushed is the word to go to a better school that's about 25mins by train! I knew absolutely nobody! Apart from my brother in the year above but that wasn't much help. I wont lie it wasn't easy for a while and it was hard in a way. But now I wouldn't change a thing for the world. Its a long day by all means I get up at least 7:20 and im not home till about 5 and then I have to start homeword study etc, but its a good school will mainly good students/teachers. It has a good name and I'm not sounding mean here but I will go further with it. I have drifted away from my old friends but I think it was for the better to be honest. He's your son you know him better than he knows himself at that age. Do what you think is best for him and for his future! Good luck!

im in college now but when i was in secondary i was up at 7 and back at 5