I don't like where I am

throwaway21

Apologies for the length of this, but bear with me! I've thought a lot about everything but I think it's time to get some unbiased opinion.

I've officially been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, seeing each other for over a year. I know it's not a hugely significant amount of time compared to other people posting on here but it's still significant for me. The usual happened at the start of the relationship, everything was great, crazy about each other and always had a laugh no matter what. We always had good nights out together or separate.

Lately though, things have changed a lot. I know once the honeymoon period is over, relationships aren't as easy.

My last boyfriend broke up with me saying he loved me but he couldn't love me as much as I loved him. I was heartbroken a total mess because it came out of nowhere. I couldn't understand why we ended. But now I do. I totally get it, because I think I'm feeling the
same as he did about me in this relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my boyfriend, he treats me so well and loves me a lot. But he is a very shy person. With me, he's himself and acts silly and what have you. But when he's with my friends, he barely says a word. He's explained the reason behind this because I had to confront him about it and I'm trying to be patient with it but I feel excruciatingly awkward when I'm with my friends and he's there too because he says nothing. It's the same with my parents or even a waiter in a restaurant. He argued that he hasn't had the chance to meet my friends enough to be comfortable with them but I don't know if I can see it improving an awful lot. I on the other hand am quite outgoing and I'm good friends with a lot of his friends at this stage.

I always knew he was like that but it was when a good friend of mine addressed it, it became apparent to me how bad it was and I felt very embarrassed. The same night, a lot of drink was involved and I ended up kissing another guy. Deep down I think this was because of how I felt towards my boyfriend after hearing my friend openly talk about how shy he is. I know it was a horrible thing to do, I had never cheated on anyone before and I regret it a lot. I came clean with my boyfriend the very next day in person and apologised. He was good enough to forgive me and we've put it behind us.

The day I told him about what had happened, I felt a lot of remorse and I wanted to make everything right again and work hard on our relationship. As the days went on though, I just went back to how I had previously felt.

A few weeks later we had another rough night with drink involved and I'm pretty sure I almost broke up with him that night. The next day was when I voiced my issues with our relationship. Again, same thing, we agreed to work on things. I do feel things have improved but on a minuscule scale. I'm back to feeling bad about where our relationship is but when I think about it, I find it hard to imagine what would happen without him around. He's a very sensitive person and gets down very easily. I don't want to crush him either. I do want to try and work on things, but I don't know how to do that properly and most effectively. We still have good times together but lately it's been a struggle for me, especially when we're apart, to feel in love with him. When people ask me about him, I keep it very to the point and don't want to say much about him. I don't openly talk about him. I'm jealous of people in really happy relationships or new relationships. I want to feel excited when someone asks me about my boyfriend.. I really don't want to carry on this way and I need advice about how to fix things.

Thanks in advance.

desbrook

In one word you are staying with him because of guilt. I read it in every paragraph. That's not fair on anyone especially him.

strobe

Some people take longer to warm to people and feel comfortable around them than others. Its not necessarily something that needs to be 'fixed'. If you were here expressing a desire for him to overcome his shyness for his sake because you think it would benefit him, I'd give you some advice on that. But you're not. You post is unbelievably self centred and immature. You're concern is not for your boyfriend and what's best for him, its all about how this part of his personality effects you, not him, and the perception you think it gives other people about you.

I don't know if this is just how you're like or your ex ending the relationship with you has scrambled your brains a bit more than you realise. But you're not coming across as a very mature or loving or compassionate person. You're trying to control and pressure your boyfriend to change part of his personality because of how you think it reflects on you. If he was picking fights with people or something that'd be understandable maybe but he just takes a bit longer to feel comfortable around people than you do.

You even say he's put in effort to be more outgoing and things have improved a bit but then complain its not happening fast enough for you. That's very demanding and controlling and not very nice and not really how one would expect someone to be acting towards someone they claim to love. Its not supportive or loving. Its the opposite.

If you think you can change your behaviour and cop on a bit, then there's plenty if ways you could help your bf overcome his shyness if that's what it is. But it would have to be the case that you wanted it for his sake because you loved him and thought it would benefit him, not for yours because you're way way to concerned with what other people think of you, and him.

If not or you can't see what's wrong with your behaviour or outlook then I'd end things with him for his sake. Or you're just going to end up screwing his head up more than your ex screwed up yours (if that is the explanation for what's going on with you).

Your reason for not ending the relationship, your concern for him, also rings a little hollow given the above and your cheating on him etc. Sounds more like you just like being in a relationship where you're the one calling the shots, as it makes you feel in control and means what happened with your ex is less likely to happen again. What do you reckon?

LegacyUser

First of all all your relationship issues, and your cheating, stem from [/i] you [/i] not your boyfriend or his shyness. You don't sound mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone IMHO, cheating on your boyfriend just because your friend made a "negative" comment about him!? Her comments were hardly the actions of a 'good' friend. Most people would be livid at her but you went out and cheated because you felt he wasn't good enough for you friends.

Dump him OP, and let him find someone who will love him for who he is, not place his value in how others perceive him.

sounds like you want a boyfriend for all the wrong reasons, you just want someone on your arm you can boast about to your friends. You say you're outgoing OP but all I see from your post is a woman who's worth is defined by how people and her friends perceive her, usually signs of a desperately insecure person. I'd wager that is why your last relationship failed too, neediness and insecurity can be overbearing. You really need to work on being secure enough in yourself not to give a crap what anyone thinks about your bf, or place value in how others perceive you socially, or you'll find yourself, with a string of broken relationships and very lonely in the future.

banana.

No offence but you come across pretty selfish in this post.. He's shy, it's hard for him to be himself around other people he doesn't know very well, and all you have to say about it is that you're embarrassed by him? Have you tried to make him feel more comfortable, get him involved in conversation, speak directly to him when you're with your friends rather than waiting for him to add his opinion to group conversation which he clearly doesn't feel comfortable doing? You say you feel ''excruciatingly awkward'' when he is along with your friends - have you even thought about how HE feels?

Tbh what you've said about your boyfriend reminds me of me (the way I used to be). I'm a girl but when I first met my boyfriend's friends, I rarely spoke because I just felt a bit uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. I'm shy around new people. They pointed out to him how quiet I was a few times (not in front of me), and he told them how outgoing, funny etc I was when its just the 2 of us. He stood up for me. (I didn't find this out until recently). Some time later (maybe a year or so into it), his friends basically became like my friends, as if I'd known them my whole life. We talk, joke, have fun. I even live with a few of his friends now! It just took me a while to open up to new people and get comfortable. There was no significant moment that it changed - it gradually (and slowly) happened over time. The more time I spent with them, the more I felt I could be myself. But it was a slow process, and it wasn't forced either. Whereas you seem to sort of pressure your boyfriend into being more outgoing (maybe not intentionally), but adding pressure to someone who is shy is gonna have a counter-effect. My boyfriend's friends take the piss out of me sometimes because of how quiet I used to be, cause it's a totally different story now. I was given a chance. I had a boyfriend who knew the real me and cared enough to stand up for me.

My point of telling you this is because, my boyfriend did the right thing - he stuck by what he knew to be the real be, and I'm thankful for it. If I knew he was EMBARRASSED that his friends said that stuff about me, I can't even explain how much that would have hurt me.. And he would have been long gone. The thing is, he knew the kind of person I really was, and he wanted his friends to see that in me too, because that's how much he liked me. You don't seem to care about your friends seeing your boyfriend for the person he truly is, its like you have your own idea of who you want him to be.

Also you don't even like to talk about him to your friends because you're that embarrassed to be with a shy guy like him? I know you can't help how you feel, and I'm not trying to be harsh, but do your boyfriend a favour and break-up with him, he deserves someone who will accept him for who he his.

Danger_dave1

Wow the haters.

Its good you could admit to him that you kissed someone else. Its also good that he could forgive you and work through it. Credit to him, would be tough.

Honestly its sounds as if you want a stronger more confident person in your life and the shyness is getting to you more and more. If hes still doing it with your family that's not a good sign either.

It sounds as if you've made up your mind and just want some reinforcement.

Break up with him and both of you can move on

All the best !

beauty101

I can totally empathise with your BF in this situation. I'm a quiet, shy person at first, especially where group situations are concerned and it takes me a while to feel comfortable enough to talk openly in a group. If you wanted to help your BF overcome his shyness you could by including him in conversations with say 1 or 2 of your friends at a time.

I don't know why you care what your mates think of your BF's shyness. Being shy is not a negative personality trait and you being embarrassed by it really says more about you than it does him.

Personally from your post I think that you're not happy in this situation. Kissing another guy has proven this and the fact that your BF forgave you, yet you're still not 100% happy is more proof still.

I think the fairest thing to do in this situation is to break off the relationship with your BF rather than string him along just for the sake of having a boyfriend. You'll find somebody right for you in time.

Zambia

Op I used to get on great with my exs friends.

Apparently sleeping with one was going to far. Be carefull what you wish for.

Ave Sodalis

Danger_dave1 wrote: »

Wow the haters.

Its good you could admit to him that you kissed someone else. Its also good that he could forgive you and work through it. Credit to him, would be tough.

Honestly its sounds as if you want a stronger more confident person in your life and the shyness is getting to you more and more. If hes still doing it with your family that's not a good sign either.

It sounds as if you've made up your mind and just want some reinforcement.

Break up with him and both of you can move on

All the best !

Not a good sign? If he's a shy person, it could be a long time before he's comfortable with the OPs family. The family more so than her friends. OP, as a person who used to be extremely shy, I have to agree with the others. I think you are being very unfair on him, and you are most definitely coming at it for the wrong reasons. Shy people take time to open up, that is the way they (we) work. One person is a lot easier than a group of people, especially people we are meant to make like us. If my boyfriend was ever embarrassed by my shyness, you can guarantee I would not think him worth my time. Your boyfriend is shy. That is the way he is. If your friends have a problem with that, tough. if you have a problem with it for the sole reason your friends do, then I would be seriously considering taking another look at your relationship.

lazybones32

In vino veritas

This is more than the 'clash of the titans' that is to be expected when personalities collide/merge. You like aspects about him and the safety and security of having a boyfriend but $hit doesn't happen without a good reason. Your drunken behaviour may be more honest on your part and it seems to me you want someone other than him. I'd understand you being embarrassed if he wet his pants or made an incredibly stupid comment, but you were embarrassed by him as he is.

Do both of you a favour and end it. Don't worry about hurting him because there is no easy way to end a relationship.

fergie24

bxjdjcjck wrote: »

First of all all your relationship issues, and your cheating, stem from [/i] you [/i] not your boyfriend or his shyness. You don't sound mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone IMHO, cheating on your boyfriend just because your friend made a "negative" comment about him!? Her comments were hardly the actions of a 'good' friend. Most people would be livid at her but you went out and cheated because you felt he wasn't good enough for you friends.

Dump him OP, and let him find someone who will love him for who he is, not place his value in how others perceive him.

sounds like you want a boyfriend for all the wrong reasons, you just want someone on your arm you can boast about to your friends. You say you're outgoing OP but all I see from your post is a woman who's worth is defined by how people and her friends perceive her, usually signs of a desperately insecure person. I'd wager that is why your last relationship failed too, neediness and insecurity can be overbearing. You really need to work on being secure enough in yourself not to give a crap what anyone thinks about your bf, or place value in how others perceive you socially, or you'll find yourself, with a string of broken relationships and very lonely in the future.

x2 all of this.
Dump him and no offence to you, he will have a lucky escape. OP you need to grow up before you have another relationship.