aftermath of a cheating partner

LegacyUser

I broke up with my partner approx 3 months ago. We were together for 2 years and suffice to say I was under the illusion we had a pretty perfect relationship, mutual respect, excellent sex life, we generally had great fun non stop. we broke up mostly over an issue that I suppose would have carved our future and in hindsight it was the right decision....But a few weeks prior to breaking up something changed with is behaviour on a messaging app, constantly online, and a couple of increased 'work' nights out. I approached him about it and he assured me in no uncertain terms I was being ridiculous and he loved the bones of me and never ever to worry about stuff like cheating.. he wanted me and only me.

Ive recently found out that he was seeing a girl behind my back for about 2 months before we broke up... a sexual relationship and is now in a full blown relationship with her since the day we broke up. She had little or no idea about me.

Suffice to say I was devastated it was over between us full stop. it was a massive adjustment and all of our plans gone down the drain too.. Now to find this out has just changed everything completely. I confronted him and his excuse was 'he wasn't happy' despite telling me a week after we broke up I made him the happiest man alive throughout our relationship and he'll always love me. The feelings of loss im experiencing I don't know if they are normal. I am seeing a counsellor but I find her useless to be honest.. she just listens so I feel like I should be talking to a friend instead and id get a better response, but that's the thing my friends are tired of hearing about it. I know people get over break ups but I feel like my heart has been ripped out and Ill never get back to my happy self. Im so so so angry with him and then having to deal with the emotion of complete sadness and loss. I am also feeling guilt that other people are experiencing far worse things in life and I should really cop on. Im just finding it very very difficult.
Anyone experience similar ?

Kelly06

sad2014 wrote: »

I broke up with my partner approx 3 months ago. We were together for 2 years and suffice to say I was under the illusion we had a pretty perfect relationship, mutual respect, excellent sex life, we generally had great fun non stop. we broke up mostly over an issue that I suppose would have carved our future and in hindsight it was the right decision....But a few weeks prior to breaking up something changed with is behaviour on a messaging app, constantly online, and a couple of increased 'work' nights out. I approached him about it and he assured me in no uncertain terms I was being ridiculous and he loved the bones of me and never ever to worry about stuff like cheating.. he wanted me and only me.

Ive recently found out that he was seeing a girl behind my back for about 2 months before we broke up... a sexual relationship and is now in a full blown relationship with her since the day we broke up. She had little or no idea about me.

Suffice to say I was devastated it was over between us full stop. it was a massive adjustment and all of our plans gone down the drain too.. Now to find this out has just changed everything completely. I confronted him and his excuse was 'he wasn't happy' despite telling me a week after we broke up I made him the happiest man alive throughout our relationship and he'll always love me. The feelings of loss im experiencing I don't know if they are normal. I am seeing a counsellor but I find her useless to be honest.. she just listens so I feel like I should be talking to a friend instead and id get a better response, but that's the thing my friends are tired of hearing about it. I know people get over break ups but I feel like my heart has been ripped out and Ill never get back to my happy self. Im so so so angry with him and then having to deal with the emotion of complete sadness and loss. I am also feeling guilt that other people are experiencing far worse things in life and I should really cop on. Im just finding it very very difficult.
Anyone experience similar ?

In the words of the famous song "breaking up is hard to do"!

You may not think it even anytime soon but you have had a lucky escape from a lying cheating dick! He was seeing a girl for two months before you broke up and was in a full blown sexual relationship. He waited two whole months to make the decision that the grass is greener on the other side and move on to pastures new. He does not deserve you and will probably do the same to the poor girl he has just met, and then the next and so on. Its a pattern, once a cheater always a cheater as they say.

You shouldn't feel guilt that other people are experiencing far worse things why be even harder on yourself than you are being already? Your problems are just that , problems to you so you deal with them as best you can.

Most adults have experienced the pain of a broken heart and its not nice at all but it does pass. Ill wager that this time next year you will ask yourself why you were so upset by this asshole. Right now though your self esteem is in the crapper so work on that and go out with friends and have fun. And there is always the old nugget that the best way to get over one man is to get under another Not that I would advocate you picking up some poor innocent man but when the time is right you will meet someone else and hopefully he will deserve you ! And keep going to the Counselling it can take a while to get any benefit from it.!!!

Tokyo

Having been the cheater in a similar situation in a period of stupidity in the past, I can tell you first hand that it's a very soul destroying process for the person being cheated on, and you certainly have the right to feel sadness, loss, anger, and a whole host of different emotions that you're probably not proud of. While you are right that people around the world are probably going through worse, you can still acknowledge your own hardship without feeling guilty over it.

One thing I can say is that when it comes to blaming yourself, or wondering what you could have done to make things better - don't. The sad thing is that your ex more than likely cheated on you for reasons completely out of your control - he liked the attention of another person, he wanted the challenge, he didn't have the mental fortitude to commit to another person and be kind enough to be faithful to them, or a combination of the above. As hard as it is right now, and as much as you might think you'll never be happy again, you've had a lucky escape - you've found out the kind of person he actually is before you followed through on those plans you made.

It's cliched, but a breakup, especially a sudden one like that, is like a bereavement, and you've been hit with the double whammy of finding out the lies that went beforehand. I think that telling your friends is good - but be careful of overburdening them with it - and let them be there fro you when you need it. And give yourself time to heal - this won't go away this week or next, and there will be days where you won't want to get out of bed, but it will pass, and you will meet somebody far more worthy of your time and your future plans than your ex was.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself but when you are this low and feeling crappy its hard to see past it sometimes. Feel so F&ucked over to put it mildly and completely shocked that he would do that. Im not naive and looking back now I can see all the signs and feel very foolish for not ending it sooner when I did see the signs but he convinced me so well that nothing was going on and I needed to trust him.

Im an extremely impatient person as it is So I guess im looking to get over this sooner rather than later, which I need to stop doing.

Typer Monkey

Yeah I've been there. It really sucks. In my situation my ex was seeing me and another woman for over a year unknown to both of us. She got pregnant and he didn't even have the decency to tell me then. He dumped her (what a gem eh?) and continued on in a relationship with me. I found out about the baby via Facebook. By that time though he had already started cheating on me with a colleague of his. God knows how long that'd been going on too

Obviously, given the above, I was well rid of him but I was still broken hearted. On top of the heart ache through I also had to deal with the shock, the betrayal, anger at him, anger at myself for not realising what was going on and embarrassment as there were people who knew exactly what was going on and never told me.

It took a number of months for the shock to subside but it did and I gradually started to feel better. I went out with friends, went on a holiday with a good friend, took up training again and immersed myself in work. Everyone was very supportive. I remember unloading on my boss one day (there were even tears, how embarrassing!) but he was great about it and gave me a few days off:D

I'm now with an amazing man and we're getting married this year. We have a baby together and we're very happy. I can look back now and see that I escaped from my ex. I escaped from a life of deceit and distrust into a happier life full of positivity and trust. You will too, you just have to ride out this sh*tty bit first.

Best of luck x

Munstermad

Dear OP, all of the advice given here is true, in my case I married and had children with a man who did the exact same thing to me after nearly 10 years. It is a huge shock and its definitely a form of grieving, so don't underestimate how strong your feelings are and take help where you can get it... Friends, family, counsellor, G.P. , boss etc.....
You definitely dodged a bullet by seeing the truth before you had followed through with your plans, but that's probably little consolation at the moment.. One day at a time girl, you will be happy again, you will get through this and come out the other end wounded but wiser.
My heart goes out to you, but take comfort in knowing that it will get better. We are all with you, stay strong x

LegacyUser

Thanks for the other replies, yes I definitely feel like its a type of grieving. Its a loss after all, despite what he did - it still is a loss. You think that person will be around forever.

I cant wait to feel semi-normal again, the feelings I have experienced the last couple of weeks I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Immersing myself in seeing friends, going for walks and getting back into the swing of things. Ill get there I know...

curlzy

I'm so sorry OP. That is an awful betrayal to go through. I don't really have any advice for you other than to let yourself go through those feelings. You say other people have it worse but look at it like this: Would you tell a woman whose child dies to get over it because another woman had 3 children that died? No you wouldn't. Don't compare your grief to others, seeing how bad other have it doesn't make your pain go away and no one should fell obliged to justify their feelings. What happened was bloody lousy, and hurtful and treacherous, let yourself feel hard done by, cry and be good to yourself. Maybe change counsellor too if this one isn't helping.

Big hug OP and best of luck with it.