Controlling Friend

LegacyUser

I’m having issues with, what I perceive, is a controlling friend of mine.

We’ve been friends for some years and to be honest I feel it’s probably always been this way but only in the last couple of years has it really become very apparent to me.

I’m easy going person with regard to most things. Honestly, I think I might people please a lot to avoid conflict wherever possible.

I was recently on holiday with my best friend and I feel bad admitting it to some extent, but while trapsing around in the heat over there on some excursion I had no interest in going on, a thought came through my mind that I felt like “a dog on a lead” for the whole holiday…..Waiting for her to make the next decisions. Deviating from her plan was more hassle for me than it was worth.

In everyday life, decisions about what/where/how to do activities are always hers. I go along. If I’m extremely adverse to something I generally make an excuse, but there is constant probing of this excuse then or alternatively the silent treatment.

I acknowledge that we’re very different types of people but I have many friends who would be very different to me and we get on very well so I’m not sure this is the problem.

I feel bad at times, that I dread her texts and socialising with her. Everything is done on her terms. I feel guilted into doing stuff with her that I can neither afford or am interested in. Just recently she had a bad situation at work and the solution was to go away on a drinking weekend (I do not drink) to cheer her up. I was a bad friend then as I was to-ing and fro-ing about going when in reality all I wanted to do was spend the weekend reading my book in the garden.

I’ve been a very good friend to this girl, helping her through a very traumatic breakup of an engagement in the past few years amongst other things. She can be quite dismissive of me at times. And never offers any advice on my problems so we generally just talk about hers. She recently said some hurtful things about my parents which greatly upset me. I’m a firm believer that you should never speak ill of someone’s family members unless you are deeply involved in the situation. We had/have some great laughs together but over time the bad things are overshadowing any of the good times we share.

My gut tells me this isn’t right. But the crux of the matter is, I think, that I don’t trust myself to make this judgement. I can be quite stubborn and lazy and I can’t help but think, am I just not willing to make enough compromises. How much should I be giving to the friendship? Should I compromise more? Does the problem lie with me? Alternatively, am I just so easy going, she feels the need to make all the decisions? Part of me wonders will I regret ending the friendship in future even though I feel like I’m suffocating now.

LegacyUser

To be very blunt OP I honestly think she sees you as a doormat. Unless you actually take the bull by the horns here and put your foot down, she will happily string you along to all HER plans and activities. She must love having a friend that panders to all her wants and never objects.

The issue is you needing to stop going along with everything. Yes she may get in a huff etc. but at least then you will be able to relax a bit and not dread every text from her! There's not a whole lot wrong being laidback, but avoiding confrontation can really drag you down, I know because I am one of those people!

ManOfMystery

I have one word for you OP : assertiveness.

You need to assert yourself here. Your friend calls the shots because you LET her. She guilts you into things because you LET her.

You are just as capable as any other human being of standing up and saying no, you don't want to do this or that - you want to do something else. And if she gives you the silent treatment, so be it.

Deveostar wrote: »

She recently said some hurtful things about my parents which greatly upset me.

I hope you pulled her up on it? And she apologised?

I can be quite stubborn and lazy and I can’t help but think, am I just not willing to make enough compromises. How much should I be giving to the friendship? Should I compromise more? Does the problem lie with me?

I think you're looking at things from the wrong angle. You're making way too many compromises for her, and that's why you find yourself annoyed about things and posting on here for advice.

Don't be a doormat.

Glinda

OP, if you don't like this person then why are you continuing in the friendship?

It sounds like you don't have a lot of confidence in your own feelings - can you tell whether you genuinely like this person or not? If you're not sure what your own opinion is on that, then I think this tells you something in itself about your self-confidence and how much you trust your own judgement.

On the other hand, if this is someone you care about and want to remain friends with then I really believe this can only be done on the basis of truthful and honest communication between you. Your friend either likes who you really are, and will engage with you on that basis, or she doesn't, won't and isn't really your friend at all.

I don't mean that you should go all out and be insensitive or anything, but being open and truthful, sharing your genuine feelings and opinions and trusting what comes naturally to you is really, really important.

On the other hand, if you don't feel safe in doing that with this person, if your interactions are based on you concealing your opinions, swallowing your feelings and being constantly slightly upset and slightly 'put upon', then you are not getting much out of the relationship - maybe you are not compatible.

There are people out there who will like you for yourself, as you truly are. They will make lifelong friends and are worth making the effort to find. Wasting time with people you don't get on with is just that, a waste of your time.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies, they are very helpful. I do see how I have been an enabler to her behaviour and I need to put my foot down.

I do have self confidence issues myself which contributes to the problem.


I hope you pulled her up on it? And she apologised?

I did pull her up on this OP, I was very angry and she realised she had crossed a boundary with me. I had hoped this would teach her a lesson in that I wasn't going to stand for her behaviour anymore. Unfortunately it has not. I am still VERY upset about her attitude to my family, which I think is not helping our relationship either. I am not sure I can get past that. I am sick of making allowances for her behaviour to other friends and family. Quite honestly I think they can see that she treats me badly....

I am trying my best to make clear boundaries with her and basically limit our relationship to maybe meeting once a week rather than every other day which I think is healthier in the long run.

Big Bag of Chips

It seems like she depends on you heavily for friendship. You're the one who goes on holidays. You're the one going on excursions with her. You're the one who has to do things with her.

Has she many other friends?

If not, why do you think that is?!

retro:electro

I don't know if she is as controlling as much as you are just allowing yourself to be controlled. You show no resistance or assertion so she doesn't have to put up much of a fight really does she. You do know that you can say no to this person right? I think if you were more self assured and decisive she would more than likely be put in her place.

LegacyUser

Has she many other friends?

If not, why do you think that is?!


No she doesn't I'm afraid. She has had fallings out through the years with most friends, which probably is a reflection of her behaviour with me. I do know she is lonely though.

I encourage her to do things with work colleagues etc to widen her circle, to make her less dependent on me, while I feel that she resents me spending time with my other friends or family. So much so that I do not share many of my plans with her. I have tried in the past to include her but she will make various excuses, which is fine if she does not want to partake but then she will downplay any nice stories/experiences I have without her.


I don't know if she is as controlling as much as you are just allowing yourself to be controlled.

I am inclined to agree with this! I am not sure is it her or me.

Aimeee

I don't think it's as simple as being assertive. Have you asserted yourself in the past with her? What happened?
I'm wondering if she feels that she has the right to criticise your family then I suspect her response to your assertions were not pleasant, yet you come away feeling like you have done something wrong.
I had a friend like this. Great fun, and we used to have great laughs too and truth be told I miss the fun sometimes BUT there were too many things wrong also. When I bowed out of engagements some snide comments were made. It was not long after this I decided it was time to walk away. I felt awful of course. I did think about having it out with her, explaining myself, but I had done this over minor issues in the past and was met with "your oversensitive". She often told me she was alright and very happy with herself.
I thought what do I want to get out of this, if we did have a chat, did I want her to change? Reality is I didn't and even though it's hard, I think we had run our course really.

It's complicated as you feel like you are at fault, you are the weaker one. Actually it's the opposite you are more easy going and less controlling, not necessarily people pleasng either, just the combination of your characteristics is unhealthy for you.
In my situation I had to make a complete break, it is very hard as we have a lot of mutual friends. Sometimes I think if I had dealt with things differently would it be better now but truth be told the relief of not having to deal with her anymore is worth it. She's not that bad either, just we were incompatible!
Good luck.

LegacyUser

..Have you asserted yourself in the past with her? What happened?

I have asserted myself more recently in the relationship on occassions. Her reactions ranged from upsetting remarks, complete silence for months to more recently gushing apologies and compliments. I am not interested in compliments I have told her, I would prefer to be treated respectively in the first place.

We did not speak for a time recently and to be honest walking away from her the day we fell out, i felt the most immense relief ever. I felt free. She later apologised etc and I thought things could be different but they never are..... There are some good times and laughs, we share quite a similar sense of humour and like Aimeee I am afraid I will miss some things about the friendship.

Emme

Deveostar wrote: »

..Have you asserted yourself in the past with her? What happened?

I have asserted myself more recently in the relationship on occassions. Her reactions ranged from upsetting remarks, complete silence for months to more recently gushing apologies and compliments. I am not interested in compliments I have told her, I would prefer to be treated respectively in the first place.

We did not speak for a time recently and to be honest walking away from her the day we fell out, i felt the most immense relief ever. I felt free. She later apologised etc and I thought things could be different but they never are..... There are some good times and laughs, we share quite a similar sense of humour and like Aimeee I am afraid I will miss some things about the friendship.

What would you miss about the friendship?

Write down a list of things you would miss about the friendship. Then write down a list of things you wouldn't miss. Go by whichever list is longer or if they are a similar length, go by your gut.

It might help to only spend time with this friend in the company of another mutual friend. Don't allow her to walk over you.

LegacyUser

I think you've come to the conclusion that you don't want to continue the relationship and you are looking for people to agree with you. From what you've said I don't think she sounds like a very kind and considerate friend.

If you want the friendship to continue then you have to tell her that you want to have some say in the activities you take part in etc... Nothing will change unless you talk to her.

If you don't think that talking to her will make any difference then perhaps it's time to make your excuses and see if she either gets the hint and stops contacting you or you'll have to explain that you don't feel like you have much in common anymore or something similarly diplomatic.