tense relationship with mother

marie12

Just wondering do many have tense relationships with a parent and if so how do you handle it? I don't think Im ever going to have the relationship with my mother that id like but it was always mostly ok. Lately tho there has been increased tension as i don't want to partake in constant moaning and she gets the huff when i won't agree with her opinions. I do not look forward to visiting her which i know sounds awful and makes me a bad daughter. I am a bad daughter. Sometimes i cannot believe we are related. There doesn't seem to be a bond at all. There is a good bit of history. Its like she wishes she hadn't had me, she has said this in the past.
What Im wondering is, for those of you who may have history with their parent, is there tension between you and what do you do to handle it?
I see my friend and his rel with his mother, they are both so good to each other. I honestly did not know a mother acted like that. And he's a great son. It does get me down.

gugleguy

Does your mother have friends? She seems to be nurturing some bitter memories and projecting them towards you. Do you think would her friends could listen to your side of the story away from your mum? They just might have some constructive suggestions.

ABajaninCork

You're not a bad daughter. You just have a different outlook to your Mum, that's all!

My mother is a lot like yours. I understand she's had a very tough life and it hasn't been at all easy for her. I've spent years trying to be the understanding daughter. But, like your Mum, mine's just pushing everyone away through her bitterness and spite. There comes a time, when you just have to let it be for your own sanity.

I did, and I feel much better for it. I rarely call, but always make a point of visiting her when I'm over. I don't stay long, just long enough to see how she is and if she needs anything done for her. I now have a stress-free existence!

marie12

gugleguy wrote: »

Does your mother have friends? She seems to be nurturing some bitter memories and projecting them towards you. Do you think would her friends could listen to your side of the story away from your mum? They just might have some constructive suggestions.

There isn't really anyone i could talk to that could talk to her then. I wish there was. I have or thought i had accepted the way things are, just every now and then it'll get to me.

marie12

ABajaninCork wrote: »

You're not a bad daughter. You just have a different outlook to your Mum, that's all!

My mother is a lot like yours. I understand she's had a very tough life and it hasn't been at all easy for her. I've spent years trying to be the understanding daughter. But, like your Mum, mine's just pushing everyone away through her bitterness and spite. There comes a time, when you just have to let it be for your own sanity.

I did, and I feel much better for it. I rarely call, but always make a point of visiting her when I'm over. I don't stay long, just long enough to see how she is and if she needs anything done for her. I now have a stress-free existence!

This is very similar to me. Visits have been getting less frequent and shorter which is adding to the tension between us. Its like we are 2 strangers who have been forced together, so so weird. Thanks for your reply

marie12

ABajaninCork wrote: »

You're not a bad daughter. You just have a different outlook to your Mum, that's all!

My mother is a lot like yours. I understand she's had a very tough life and it hasn't been at all easy for her. I've spent years trying to be the understanding daughter. But, like your Mum, mine's just pushing everyone away through her bitterness and spite. There comes a time, when you just have to let it be for your own sanity.

I did, and I feel much better for it. I rarely call, but always make a point of visiting her when I'm over. I don't stay long, just long enough to see how she is and if she needs anything done for her. I now have a stress-free existence!

This is very similar to me. Visits have been getting less frequent and shorter which is adding to the tension between us. Its like we are 2 strangers who have been forced together, so so weird. Thanks for your reply

Icsics

My mother is the same, never happy unless talking about someone or complaining. It grates on me the way she speaks to my kids & I mostly try to avoid visiting, u can never stay long enough. She visits us & usually storms out in a huff about something eg me not watering the plants/ kids not playing with toys she got them etc etc. Now she has a calendar & marks when she sees us! My poor ole dad is a living saint!!

My mother who is now dead was very kindly natured and would do anything for you, however she was also very negative which got worse as she got older she always concentrated on bad news and had never made a life out side the farm or her children.

This is what I did, first off I never felt responsible for entertaining her It was not my responsibility that she would not get involved with any organisation for older people she use to say.. I would not like it and my response was thats fine but you cant say the days are long, if you have been offed alternatives but wont take them. Having said that we did organise a rota to take her out on Sunday afternoons and that was grand.

The second thing I did is I did not listen to any of the negativity when she would start I would ham it up like mad and say stuff like murdered in their beds were they that's terrible !! rape murder abuse, your right it is every where!!! of course after a while she would realise I was laughing at her and would either get annoyed or laugh her self, in her later years most of our interaction became her trying to tell me bad news and me trying to head her off. It was better that just getting annoyed with her and having tension.

The thing is we all have a responsibility towards our parents unless they were cruel or neglected us, however we don't have a responsibility to entertain and indulge them just because they are our parents or because they never made the effort have a life outside the home.

marie12

mariaalice wrote: »

My mother who is now dead was very kindly natured and would do anything for you, however she was also very negative which got worse as she got older she always concentrated on bad news and had never made a life out side the f
arm or her children.

This is what I did, first off I never felt responsible for entertaining her It was not my responsibility that she would not get involved with any organisation for older people she use to say.. I would not like it and my response was thats fine but you cant say the days are long, if you have been offed alternatives but wont take them. Having said that we did organise a rota to take her out on Sunday afternoons and that was grand.

The second thing I did is I did not listen to any of the negativity when she would start I would ham it up like mad and say stuff like murdered in their beds were they that's terrible !! rape murder abuse, your right it is every where!!! of course after a while she would realise I was laughing at her and would either get annoyed or laugh her self, in her later years most of our interaction became her trying to tell me bad news and me trying to head her off. It was better that just getting annoyed with her and having tension.

The thing is we all have a responsibility towards our parents unless they were cruel or neglected us, however we don't have a responsibility to entertain and indulge them just because they are our parents or because they never made the effort have a life outside the home.

Sorry to hear about loss of your mother. The circle of life i guess, ending up in a caring role with our parents.
No doubt she must have done a lot for me. At age of ten she was diagnosed with mental illness which ended her parenting. but i still can't get my head around the way she can be. Sometimes its like she's possessed!

An Bhanríon

Your relationship with your mother sounds familiar...

Now that I have finally accepted that I will never have that lovely relationship with my mother that others have, my coping strategy is as follows:
Never to visit more than once a week.
To keep my suggestions as to how she should improve her life down to a minimum (I used to nag a lot, as there is a lot to nag about!)
To try and find something to compliment her on every time I see her (her clothes, something she has done to the house, something she did when we were children which was good parenting).
To try and make a fuss of her to make her feel important (such as having her with me on my first trip to the shops to look for my wedding dress).

That is how I cope. In my head, though, I am thinking why did I get the short straw when the mammies were being doled out! But there is no point in fighting with her. I did that for long enough. Not that I am not often tempted to scream at her and tell her to cop herself on...