Fearing the worst

LegacyUser

I am 8 months pregnant and my partner has completely changed. We were never a really lovey couple, we have never been into public displays of affection or anything but since I've become pregnant it's like he's gone totally off of me and our relationship. Every weekend is spent with his friends either in the pub or the gym. I mean it's every weekend. He will cancel plans with me just to be with them. He brings his friends to our home to watch the racing and our house turns into a messy boys club where I hide out upstairs to avoid it.

He never hugs me, even when I ask he just ignores me. If I try show him something I bought for the baby he won't even look. He won't talk to me about baby names or come to the birth class with me. We have not even started on the baby's bedroom yet and we still have to buy a buggy. He promised we would this weekend but he went for a haircut yesterday and didn't come home until 3.30am drunk. Then today he went to the gym and ended up at a party in his friends house. I feel completely alone and I know the advice will be ''you need to talk to him and tell him to step up'', but I have and it doesn't change anything. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. His response to me mentioning how left out and lonely I feel is ''you're pregnant, what do you expect to do at the weekends?''. I'd be happy staying at home if he was at least there with me. Also the odd lunch together somewhere or a walk into town would do. I am afraid that if I keep bringing this up he'll admit he doesn't want this lifestyle of a baby and responsibilities. I feel miserable, none of my friends have children so I feel like I am always alone, especially now since I am no longer at work.

Tokyo

OP, 8 months in, you really need to sit down and have a frank talk with him about what kind of future he sees with you. Pregnancies are hard on men as well as women - quite often it's that step in life which thrusts you firmly into the realm of responsibility for another person, for a family, and some guys find it hard to let go of past freedoms and make that step. However, going by what you say, he has made absolutely zero effort towards your up and coming child, and instead leaves you alone while he goes out and continues to live like a teenager. To be honest, he sounds like he's in complete denial of the fact that in one months time, he's going to be a father.

At risk of giving you the advice you knew you would hear, you do need to sit him down, talk to him and explain to him that he needs to step up to his responsibilities as a soon-to-be-parent. I sincerely hope for your sake that he realises that his behaviour so far has been less than stellar, and provides you and your child with the support that you need. But if that turns out not to be the case, then seek support from your family and friends - from the sounds of things you are doing this completely alone and could do with some help.

I wish you luck OP, and congratulations on your upcoming child.

eviltwin

Pregnancy can bring out the best and the worst in people. It seems your partner is in complete denial, going out and acting like a single person in some desperate attempt to hang onto his freedom. It's not an excuse though, you wouldn't put it with it at any other time so why now that your pregnant. Maybe he will change once the baby is born but what if he doesn't?

I agree with Mike, you need to talk to him and get him to knock the drinking on the head, the baby could come anytime now and you need to be able to rely on him to get you to hospital. He's no use to you out partying or drunk. Does he plan to be there for the birth or does he expect you to make your own way to hospital. He really needs to grow up.

Dave!

Does he have a brother or close mate that might be able to talk some sense into him? Someone who you are friendly/close with too ideally. Might be worth having a word with them if he is not being responsive.

Dellnum

This must be a terrible time for you. Maybe if you could just concentrate on yourself and expect nothing from him then you might be able to bear the last month of this pregnancy. Look forward to seeing your baby and if he doesn't feel the same about all of this as you do then he is the loser.

You know I would just switch off from him. If he does not see the error of his ways himself then you pointing them out to him will do no good. You are not in a fit state at the moment to get into any confrontation with him. Just leave it until after the baby is born because you don't want to get any more upset than you are now.

Of course if things don't improve after the birth you will then have to figure out what to do about this marriage. I sincerely hope that things will get better for you and that you have family you can rely on. Best of luck on the birth and hope that your baby gives you the happiness you deserve.

December2012

Do any of his friends have children? Is his Dad a good Dad? His brothers?

Why do you think he behaves this way?

Jenneke87

Sorry to be blunt, but was having the baby a joint decision or an " accident" so to say? Is there any chance he feels tricked or trapped? Or this being a phase of"going out while he still can?" TBH he sounds really immature and not considered at all. You really need to talk to him before the baby arrives to know where you stand with this guy.

username123

Could you go and stay with parents or family until the baby is born, with people who will support you?

I think right now you need to concentrate on looking after you and it might be better to do that away from such a negative attitude towards you.

ManOfMystery

As above, you really need to sit down with him and have a serious, serious talk. And if he's unwilling to do that, then you may need to ask a family member (a brother or other male figure perhaps) to talk to him. And if he won't talk to them, turn on the computer and show him this thread.

1 month away from being a father, his behaviour is totally out of order. He needs to accept that his lifestyle is going to change, whether he likes it or not, and partying up until the last minute is not going to change the fact that he'll be a dad sometime within the next 4 weeks, all being well.

For the last 4-5 weeks of my wife's pregnancy I didn't drink at all just for the fear that she might go into labour prematurely and need me to get her to hospital quickly. What if this happened to you? If your partner was AWOL or lying drunk at 2am somewhere he wouldn't even make the birth, never mind be in any position to get you to hospital or be there for you.

At this stage, your partner needs to start behaving like a man and not an insolent teenager, or else you will have to plan for the worst and assume that you can't rely on him to be there.

LegacyUser

Have to tried asking him what's going on in his head? Obviously you have to tell him how his behaviour is affecting you, but start with asking him what's going on, you're a long way from you or anybody else having a word with him if you don't listen to his concerns. You don't seem to have done that out of fear of the answer, but you can't avoid the question and expect to find a solution.

stickybookmark

Sounds like getting pregnant wasn't a joint decision?

No matter at this stage, baby is on the way and that has to be your first priority now. I agree with username123, I'd go and stay with your mother if possible. This is not a time for hoping an unreliable partner will buck up or for working on a broken relationship, this is a time for putting your safety and health and health of baby as no.1 priority.
You need proper support, this is your first baby so you're perfectly entitled to move home for support in my opinoin. Do you have a mother or sister you could move in with for the next few months?