Telling Someone How You Feel

MadMardegan

So this isn't really a relationship issue but I figured this was the best place to ask.

Without going into too much detail, do you think it's always fair to tell someone you have romantic feelings for them?
There's a girl I know who I have a lot of feelings for. We get on really well. Always making each laugh and always seems to be chemistry between us. I have been told by other people that she has mentioned she would go out with me except for 1 thing; she has a boyfriend.
Afaik the relationship with the boyfriend isn't the best, but that's neither here nor there.
The real issue is this; she's moving away (she's moving without the boyfriend, possibly for good, but at least a year) and the chances are I won't see her again. Part of me thinks that the right thing to do is forget about her and move on, but another part is saying "better to regret the things you did, than the things you didn't". I think the reason I want to tell her how I feel is closure, for myself. I'm not expecting her to stay or me to go with her, but I just feel like I deserve to have my feelings known. I don't really know what I think, to be honest, but it'd be nice to hear opinions.

Really hope I don't come across as some lonely depraved sap! I just spend too much time in my head sometimes

Alf. A. Male

In the circumstances, nothing can happen between you, so I'd suggest that when she leaves you remember a good friend, not a failed declaration.

MadMardegan

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

In the circumstances, nothing can happen between you, so I'd suggest that when she leaves you remember a good friend, not a failed declaration.

I completely agree... but I still have that other voice in my head saying "you won't be remembering a good friend, you'll be remembering a chance never taken"... I don't know which one is worse

R.D. aka MR.D

Well if you really want to do it then go for it.

Have you thought about what might happen if she says 'ohmygod, i love you, too'. Are you willing to step up to the plate and go be with her/have her stay and try to be with you/enter a long distance relationship?

What exactly is your purpose in telling her? To get it off your chest? How do her feelings fit into your plan? Have you thought about her in this situation? A guy that you thought was a friend all along suddenly declares his feelings for you right before you go away. Awkward to say the least and possibly upsetting at the worst.

I've had 'friends' in the past who all of a sudden declared that they had feelings for me and it honestly made me really angry and it becomes the kind of thing where realistically you have to cut that person out of your life and the whole friendship is tainted because it wasn't really 'friendship' in the first place.

If you are going to regret not telling her then tell her but don't go in expecting a Hollywood ending.

Meauldsegosha

MadMardegan wrote: »

I have been told by other people that she has mentioned she would go out with me except for 1 thing; she has a boyfriend.

So she already has an idea that you like her but she is still with her boyfriend. If she wanted to be with you she would. Actions speak louder than words. That's all the closure you need.

retro:electro

If you had a girlfriend how would you feel about some stranger declaring their love for her behind your back? Saying that she hardly sounds like the girlfriend of the year telling people she would get with you if she hadn't a boyfriend, is this really the kind of girl you think you could trust? Well she does have a bf, and not only that but she's moving away possibly for good. What exactly do you expect to come from your declaration? She is still going to move away and you're going to be sitting and home twiddling your thumbs and most probably feeling worse than you do now. Chalk this one down to experience and focus on meeting people who are unattached and in the same country.

MadMardegan

Not going to quote everyone individually, but there's some really good points being made.

I really don't know what I expect, but if she did feel the same way of course I would step up.
I can see how it could be an unfair thing to do to someone who considers you just a friend though.

She was never, afaik, going around blurting out that she would go out with me, but when mutual friends have asked her she has said that if she was single she would. I don't see a trust issue there. If anything that, to me, shows she's more trustworthy.

Bottom line is, I really like this girl. And I'm not just pretending to be friends with her to get closer to her because of how I feel about her. I do genuinely care about her. I didnt choose to feel this way but I do and I can't help that. I feel that if I tell her what's going on it'll help me feel better, and maybe that is a little bit selfish.
I'm thinking I should just try and distance myself from her, gradually, and try and forget about the whole thing. I've never had feelings for someone who I thought was just a friend, so this is really new to me and I don't know what to do.
Do I just put up on a happy face from now until she moves and then get over it?

Sleepless and Manic

I understand how you feel. I have done something similar and regretted it.

Okay she's moving away but you can still stay in touch right? Just because you may not see her again doesnt mean you have to cut contact does it? I have friends in other countries and we stay in touch.

But...

If you tell her how you feel, you may make staying in touch awkward.

Czarcasm

MadMardegan wrote: »

Do I just put up on a happy face from now until she moves and then get over it?

Yes.

Quite simply because you don't know what you want other than easing your own conscience. You've given no regard to how this girl might actually take it as you're so focused on third party information that says she would if she could but she can't. It's a snippet of information that's giving you false hope and allowing you to draw any number of conclusions.

I personally would advise you to let it go and move on and concentrate on the infinite number of women that ARE available to you rather than feeling you have your hand forced by circumstances into putting this sort of pressure on your friend. And for what? "I don't know".

What do you expect she would be likely to say? What would you say if you were going out with someone and somebody else expressed an attraction to you? I've been in that position and it's not easy to say something you know is going to hurt someone you care for, but it's better for both of you that you're not leading them on, or that they're left with the idea there might be a chance "some day".

At least if you put some distance between you, it will allow you to forget about this one girl, for your own sake. So what if she never knows. The fact is she never needs to know, and you'll never have to keep up the pretence while hiding your true feelings.

MadMardegan

Yeah, I see where everyone is coming from.

I think I will try and cut back the interaction with her till I can get her out of my head. It just feels really crap because we get on so well and have a lot in common. I know it's clichéd, but I've really never met a girl like her. She's just so easy going, to the point where I think that even if I told her how I feel and it wasn't reciprocated that it's something that would be forgotten, and we'd continue on like usual with no awkwardness whatsoever.
Anyway, you guys are right. The smart thing to do is just to move on and keep my mouth shut. Am still interested in hearing other opinions, if people have anything else to say.

Stavro Mueller

Well, you could tell her but be aware that there could ring the death knell for your friendship. Not everyone's comfortable with knowing that one of their friends fancies them and it has sent more than one friendship down the swanee. On the other hand, if she's heading off you're probably going to lose touch with her anyway.

whitebriar

MadMardegan wrote: »

Not going to quote everyone individually, but there's some really good points being made.

I really don't know what I expect, but if she did feel the same way of course I would step up.
I can see how it could be an unfair thing to do to someone who considers you just a friend though.

She was never, afaik, going around blurting out that she would go out with me, but when mutual friends have asked her she has said that if she was single she would. I don't see a trust issue there. If anything that, to me, shows she's more trustworthy.

Bottom line is, I really like this girl. And I'm not just pretending to be friends with her to get closer to her because of how I feel about her. I do genuinely care about her. I didnt choose to feel this way but I do and I can't help that. I feel that if I tell her what's going on it'll help me feel better, and maybe that is a little bit selfish.
I'm thinking I should just try and distance myself from her, gradually, and try and forget about the whole thing. I've never had feelings for someone who I thought was just a friend, so this is really new to me and I don't know what to do.
Do I just put up on a happy face from now until she moves and then get over it?

Well I think you should tell her.
Being human we fall for other humans.If you have the courage,you tell her and see what happens.
If she rejects you,you get closure.
Remember just being friends with someone you fancy is very very difficult.It can drag you down with a lead weight.

As regards the notion 'she is with someone so I can't do anything'..That is UTTER nonsense.
If that were the way of the world,we'd all be married to the first boy or girl we ever went out with.
Many many relationships break up because one party has met someone else they would rather be with.
If a bond is strong enough it lasts.
It is a fact of life that the other party (in your example your friends bf) won't like the fact you are the new chosen one if that's the way it pans out.Thats his problem.
Nobody owns anybody else.

It does become complicated when the situation involves a marriage and kids but then that's why we have divorce laws and custody/visitation rights laws.
Even marriage ( and certainly not any relationship ) is not an excuse for lifetime misery or regret.
Best of luck with your decision anyway.

Lou.m

I think it's what you want do it. Just be prepared for consequences either way.

Matteroffact

I really think that this girl knows how you feel and you don't have to tell her. We always know when someone fancies us. She says she would be with you if not for her boyfriend. This means she prefers to be with her boyfriend, because if she preferred you she would break up with her b/f and let you know about it. At the moment she wants to go away for a year and you declaring your feelings will not stop her. If I were you I would say nothing, remain friends and when she comes back see how it goes then, but say nothing now.

December2012

I'm in two minds so I'll give you both of my thoughts:

1. You could tell her how you feel purely so you never regret trying. BUT, no matter how you dress it up - it is still you making a move on somebody in a relationship. You are trying to break up a relationship. Will you regret that?

2. You don't know what she said. If her mate was saying "what about X?" and her response was along the lines of "maybe if I was single but I'm not so it's a moot point", then that doesn't mean that she would be interested in you if she was single.

And if she was interested in you, then it wouldn't work. Because you're not enough for her. She hasn't tried anything with you and is still in a relationship. Her boyfriend isn't enough for her either, if she's going out with him but thinking of you.

I can't see what you can get out of it. Sure you can say you "tried", but you can only try by going after another mans girlfriend.