Where to turn when you cant walk away

LegacyUser

So just so happens there is another post of the same storyline as my own and surprising to see someone in the same boat as me. But recently broken up with an ex and same issue cant understand what the hell happened im actually still in shock almost 2 months later.

So unlike the other op my relationship was short lived 2 months texting and just shy of 4 months together. And again out of the blue i was asked to break up. Weird thing is We mutually broke up. and promised to be friends. what a nightmare this has been since. Im still in love with them. Awkwardly i got a crush on them. Im really really struggling with this. Ive questioned them saying i dont understand but i got a generic answer back saying was for the best. But there is a lot more to the story. you dont falsely lead someone to believe your happy out and suddenly drop a bomb with no explanation. they said they hurt me. i dont know if im hurt, hurting or just so lost but its sadness i let them walk away after having a great time together.

But anyways were still texting. things arent great i think.... i fcked up after first week of breaking up. I got a text from them the other day and when i saw was them i died a little just froze couldnt think but i replied. i dont know what to do. i want to be friends, but im having breakdowns every so often when i get the urge to want to text them ask them a million questions, part of me just wants to put them into an archive box for few month till i get a hold on whats happened and come to terms with this. and another part wants to go out onto the battlefield and fight for their love back. We clicked, i know it , they know it. But im afraid to text them. dunno what to say, dont know what the response will be. or even if i get one. i want to ask again are we ok. because i know we're not. I have a strong sixth sense and i know it.

Just need an outside opinion because there are people who have been here.

Thanks

Jenneke87

Stop texting, it will just give you false hope. Cut contact no matter how painful, otherwise you're in for a long painful post break up process and why put yourself through that? Good chance the other person wasn't as happy as you might have thought and often, that person will have mentally checked out before saying the words......maybe waiting to see if the spark comes back. Cut contact and move on, best of luck.

Stavro Mueller

If you look through this forum you'll see the same advice coming up again and again for people who've broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend. No phone calls, no texts, no social media. Cut contact. Your post demonstrates just why staying "friends" with your ex is such a terrible idea.

Unknownemotion wrote: »

...my relationship was short lived 2 months texting and just shy of 4 months together. And again out of the blue I was asked to break up. Weird thing is We mutually broke up. and promised to be friends. what a nightmare this has been since. I'm still in love with them. Awkwardly I got a crush on them. I'm really really struggling with this. I've questioned them saying I don't understand but I got a generic answer back saying was for the best.

Of course it's a nightmare. Who wants to be friends with a person you're in love with but can't have? Slow torture is a phrase which springs to mind. You really should *listen* to what your ex is telling you. They're telling you it's over but you're refusing to accept this.

...You don't falsely lead someone to believe your happy out and suddenly drop a bomb with no explanation. they said they hurt me. i dont know if im hurt, hurting or just so lost but its sadness i let them walk away after having a great time together.

Relationships and break-ups aren't as black and white as you seem to think they are. People can and do break up seemingly without warning. There doesn't have to be an explanation either. It might be something as simple as your ex realising the pair of you weren't compatible. I'm not sure getting an explanation (if there is one) is a good idea either. Do you really want someone to say to your face that they don't fancy you any more? Or that you've got an annoying laugh/you're a bit boring/the new girl at work is hotter than you are.

What do you mean by letting them walk away? What do you think you should have done? Begged them not to dump you despite this being what they wanted to do. Why try to keep someone in a relationship with you when they've indicated that they want to walk away?

But anyways were still texting. things arent great i think.... i fcked up after first week of breaking up. I got a text from them the other day and when i saw was them i died a little just froze couldnt think but i replied. i dont know what to do. i want to be friends, but im having breakdowns every so often when i get the urge to want to text them ask them a million questions, part of me just wants to put them into an archive box for few month till i get a hold on whats happened and come to terms with this. and another part wants to go out onto the battlefield and fight for their love back. We clicked, i know it , they know it. But im afraid to text them. dunno what to say, dont know what the response will be. or even if i get one. i want to ask again are we ok. because i know we're not. I have a strong sixth sense and i know it.

Again, this is exactly why you shouldn't be in contact with your ex. It's stopping you from moving forward with your life. As long as you think you're in with a chance of getting back with them, you're never going to get over this break-up. You're fooling yourself and giving yourself false hope. You've already wasted two months of your life and you're in turmoil. Why are you even thinking about wasting more months on this fools errand?

I reckon you're projecting your feelings onto your ex. Seeing as you didn't spot this breakup coming, how can you say for certain that things were so blissfully wonderful for them? YOU were the one who was having a great time and are now in denial because it's over.

This isn't what you want to hear of course but I can't see this ending well. Stop thinking that you can change the situation and cut contact immediately.

blatantrereg

The sort of person who dumps someone out of the blue is the worst sort of person to be serious about.

It can leave you wondering if the whole relationship was a sham. The lack of explanation robs you of a sense of closure that would facilitate moving on from it. Instead it plays on your mind which means you think about them a lot and you don't move on easily.

You can't be friends with them. Cutting contact is the only thing that makes sense and gives you any dignity tbh. Rule out any possibility of starting things up with them ever again. Not because it is beyond the realm of possibility; just because they would be a bad choice for anything remotely serious.

Learn from your experience and try not to repeat it. Be a little skeptical of people until they earn your trust. Prioritise things like decency, someone having a sense of themselves, above physical attractiveness in any potential partners.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies guys. Probably not what i wanted to hear but i appreciate the advice. So hard to just sever all ties. Like ive heard of people falling in love and getting back with the same person but never believed it till now. Although i wont be getting back together i think. But i never want to loose them as a friend because i owe them so much for making me a better person.

I havent been doing nothing for last 2 months i have tried to meet new people just havent found the right person. but last 2 days since putting up the post done a lot of thinking. and i feel maybe need to take a step back. get over what happened and let it be. Taken all yer advice and really thought about just cutting everything but dont know if i can do that. think i just need to mentally restrain myself. If i can be friends with all my previous ex's this one should be no different. Just take a lot longer to get over.

Thanks.

Stavro Mueller

My guess is that you're not comparing like with like. It is possible to be friends with an ex but only when the both of you are over the split and don't harbour romantic feelings towards each other. From what you've described, this is far from being the case and you're still wishing that you could get back together again. For that reason alone staying in contact with your ex is an appalling idea. Cutting contact = taking away that hope.

Maybe in the future it might be possible for the pair of you to become friends but you've got a long way to go in the meantime. It doesn't surprise me that you've not found the right person yet. You're emotionally unavailable and will continue to be as long as there's that hope there.